Stepfather-Stepson Relationship Problems

"I feel I have my son on a better path with his ODD/ADHD. The extreme behavior and fits have calmed down and his grades have improved. I use the material I purchased from you, and he is on a small dosage of Adderall. There is still a problem I am having a hard time dealing with - my husband!

My husband is a stepfather to my son who has had the trouble. I have another son from the previous marriage and one son after getting remarried to my husband. I struggle with my son's father as he doesn't see the problems we do (his father only sees him on the weekends). And, then most concerning I struggle with my husband at home. My ex feels there are only slight problems and I blow things out of proportion (even calling the police on my son after he attacked me twice at the height of the problems) and my current husband feels I am not hard enough and feels I can't see the problems as he can because of the biological tie.

I do not fear my husband leaving and I don't want to think of leaving my husband due to my son, but I am almost at the end of my rope. Finally after months and months of trying to get help for my son, he is feeling better and smiling. He is still a teenager and still gets angry and he still says things he shouldn't (and swearing). However, the progress we have made is tremendous -- in my mind. Grades have improved, suspensions have halted, teachers calling have subsided, and the outbursts are much less intense. My son even does chores -- not happily, and a lot of times not without a struggle -- but not battles! It is considerable progress.

My husband still refuses to accept the progress. He tells me it is only time until another outburst happens and says the only difference is we are giving him his own way. Without a lot of detail, that isn't the case in my mind. I feel I have given him privileges and some room to be trustworthy.

I have given up on trying to convince my husband he is wrong. My son has overheard some of these comments and kids aren't stupid. They sense things just as we do. My husband and son do not get along. I truly believe my son wants my husband to take an interest in him, but my husband acts somewhat like a child himself because he says he isn't just going to forget what has happened! He isn't going to just let H___ talk to people that way whether it is a short amount of time or longer fits. It is so uncomfortable in our household! I am tired of being pulled left and right."

You said it, and you see it – your son is making progress!!! Who would know better than you?

When a man marries a woman with children, it is almost guaranteed that it will take longer for the household to settle down than he thinks it will.

Stepfathers must resist the urge to straighten out the kids' behavior. It takes time for an emotional bond to develop, and it isn't possible to successfully discipline without that bond. Stepfathers who try to discipline too much or too soon end up feeling inadequate, frustrated, and disappointed. The stepfather is active in disciplinary decisions, of course, but works with his wife behind the scenes. The children's mother should be the one to announce the discipline - but she says, "WE have decided..."

Promoting an emotional bond includes the stepfather telling the children how he feels and showing that he recognizes and understands their feelings. It’s important for a stepfather to tell his stepchildren that he’s not their father and is not trying to replace him, but will be there for them.

It is unfortunate that stepfathers may have to deal with a biological father who has no intention of being cooperative or helpful. Fighting back, however, will make things worse.

If the child has a good relationship with the biological dad, competition could turn the child against the stepfather. Thus, it’s important for the stepfather to say good things about the bio-father (e.g., complimenting the stepson on a good pitching arm by adding, "you must get that from your dad"), and if possible, try to work with the other man to set policies that can be used with the child. If there can be a working relationship with the biological father, it will make the stepfather seem less of a threat to both the father and the child.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

He is getting praise from teachers...

Your eBook and website are very thorough and have helped me and my family immensely. My husband and I have a better understanding now!

Since completing the program, my son J___ has brought his grades up 35%, and he is getting praise from teachers. The Assistant Principal wrote a letter describing improvements in J___’s behavior and gave it to me at the parent-teacher conference.

Grateful Mom,

T.S.

Join Online Parent Support

Sometimes I think about committing suicide...

Mark,

My 13 year old son recently shows lots of problems and finally he is under probation with the electric monitoring program. My culture of origin is Korean but I try to understand this culture and raise him in the bi-cultural condition. I've studied counseling education and for the last two decades I've worked on the field of education. It is really heartbroken just watching him to struggle and at the same time I have to support him.

For the last two weeks he was o.k. under that ankle monitor and seemed to change his mind toward the positive direction. But yesterday my older son (19 years old) told me C___ (13 years old one) smoked the day before yesterday when I went to bed and he secretly shared this story with him. I never suspected him at home even though he did some drugs outside when I was gone to Korea to take care of my ill father. How could he smoke in my house under my presence? But last week his kind of bad friend visited him and they smoked together in the bathroom. When I checked the bathroom, they told a lie and just said they burned his friend's F graded math test.

I am not concerned about his smoking habit. He has lied habitually. So I kept on asking him to tell the truth but he burst his anger and broke the closet mirror. I did not respond to him even though I was so upset and even scared. I better call the probation but I couldn't.

Two weeks ago there was a big fight between him and his dad in my house while I was gone to Korea and his dad (my ex-husband) called the police and he was sent to the jail. I believe it is not good to invite the legal system to control my own child. After that anger burst moment suddenly he became calm and childish again to talk nicely to his brother and me. I think he has a mental problem too as well as this conduct disorder.

Sometimes I think about committing suicide for my own luck and his. But I know time matters. Someday he will grow and everything will be fine. But I am not sure he could be a responsible healthy civilian not a criminal.

I cannot share my ugly story with anyone anymore. His probation officer recommended me to take individual counseling and it will start this Friday. But I cannot open wide because they have to report to the court about any progress and any issues during the sessions.

Is there any hope? I really want to give up his custody and go back to my country never seeing him again.

-Y.

`````````````````````````


Hi Y.,

Some kids misbehave because they are experiencing internal distress: anger, frustration, disappointment, anxiety, or sorrow. The younger a child is, the more likely he is to call attention to his distress through his behavior.

When their behavior is extreme and highly disturbed, the temptation is to dismiss these kids as scary, lost, or bad to the core. Increasingly, there is a tendency to relegate them to the criminal or juvenile justice system. Yet, by doing so, we may overlook the fact that some of these kids have serious underlying emotional disorders.

Many of the underlying causes of childhood behavioral problems, including family violence and abuse, can be prevented or successfully managed. It's important to look beyond obvious negative behaviors to identify underlying biological, emotional, or social vulnerabilities that might be present and treatable. Biochemical underpinnings and genetic vulnerabilities interact with environmental forces and individual characteristics to cause conduct disorders.

Because kids with conduct disorders may suffer from myriad biological, psychological, and social vulnerabilities, a combination of treatment methods seems most effective. Frequently this combination of therapy will include liaison with community resources including juvenile court staff or probation officers.

The methods described in My Out-of-Control Teen eBook have been used with considerable success with aggressive kids, particularly when parents themselves can make changes. When parents can participate fully, this method helps parents to encourage appropriate behaviors in their kids and to use discipline in more effective ways. In order to interact with their kids in new ways, parents learn to use positive reinforcement, to link misbehavior to appropriate consequences, and to develop ways of negotiating with their kids. Once the parent child relationship smoothes out, many kids are better able to navigate their social and academic worlds in a more productive manner.

So yes …there is always hope.

Welcome to Online Parent Support,

Mark

BIG Thank You

I just wanted to say a BIG Thank You for your work! I think, I mean I KNOW that your e-books and website are the most informative I have ever seen. And I have looked everywhere, read everything, tried it all! Thank you!

D.G.

She is coming around in a positive way...

Mark-

Update. K___ has been in touch with use several times. We have given her permission to move in with a friend in Port Orchard. She is going to call us every week with updates. We have an address, phone number, her boyfriends first, last name, phone number, license plate, everything we need in case something happens.

We decided to give her this space to show us she is responsible enough. She went to her school to get her make up schoolwork. She is going to complete the work and turn it in for her credit. She is an honor roll student, and at the present time has more credits than necessary to enter the 11th grade. She has promised both P___ and I that she will graduate from high school. She actually wants to go to college and P___ and I assured her we will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

P___ and I both told her she could "push us away all she wants, but we will never give up on her". When we sit down and speak with her, we never yell or scream. We keep our voices down and try out best to "communicate with her", something her mother can't accomplish.

It is apparent that K___ holds a lot of anger toward her mother. I asked her to deal with her anger. She told me she was aware of it and she planned on dealing with it on her own. I told her I wasn't sure she would be able to do it on her own, but to let me know if she needs help. She is coming around in a positive way. We are both optimistic about her adventure this summer. We believe she will see how difficult it is on her own and end up coming back before school starts in the fall.

Thank you for your continued support. It means a lot to me.

A.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Heavy Petting

Dear Mark,

C___ just bought your e-book for him and I to read, and we're currently reading it. At least I'm trying to read it. It's difficult for me to hold my head and neck in one spot for a period of time because of my disability, so I wanted to ask you before moving on, if your e-book comes in a hard or paper bound form? We don't have a printer to print your e-book.

Let me introduce myself. My name is P___ and I'm from Wellsville, PA. I live with my "common-law" husband, C___. Him and I have been together for 16 years now, and we have three daughters. Their ages and names are: M___ 13, K___ 9, and L___ 7. I am a disabled person. C___ is a painter and does painting work when he can.

Right now we are having a big problem with are oldest daughter M___. On Tuesday, May 29, 2007, M___ and a boy named, I__, was in "movie time" at school, with 100 other students and two adults there. Everyone was supposed to be watching the movie, but apparently M___ and I__ was not. A student saw the two of them with her hand down his pants and his hand down her pants.

I reckon that student went and told other students and by Thursday, May 31, 2007, the principal called M___ and I__ up to her office and asked them about this matter. I don't know what I__ said, but the school principal told me after asking M___ if it was true or not, she first said "NO", then the principal got a bit of an loud-toned voice with M___ and asked her again, M___ then said "yeah, it's true, it happened". M___ and I__ both got "out-of-school-suspension" starting May 31, and the rest of the school year, which by the way was about to end. They only had till June 5, 2007 and the school year was out for the summer.

Just so you know, the two adults was watching the movie, they were not going around checking the middle school students to make sure there was no talking, no caring on, no anything going on.

Can you help C___ and I with this matter? Honestly, I don't know what to do about this. Have you ever came across a issue like this before?

M___ acts as if it's no big deal. She said to me: "it happened, it's over, everyone makes mistakes, now lets forget about it and move on!" M___ is sassy-mouth, disrespectful to her dad and I, as well as other adults, mean to her younger sisters, doesn't do what she is told and/or asked of her, blames everything she does on me or someone else, she does that "cutting" stuff to her arms, thinks her friends are the best people on the plant, has tried to run away, and one time we didn't find her until 1 hour and 30 minutes later. We was scared to death.

M___ calls her dad stupid all the time, she tried to stay in her room as much as she can, she is only nice when she wants something from us, she's always mean and hateful, M___ has even been caught shop lifting, with one of her so-called-friends, she gets and has bad grades, she's demanding, she will not clean her room, she has written all over the walls. This list can go on and on.

HELP!! Please help us.

I take M___ to a Counselor ever week and a Psychiatrist every month, but they had no information, help, or anything to offer me when I let them know about this matter with the boy. Things have gotten worse, not better. I thought these people are supposed to help us and help M___!

I'm at the end of the line and can't handle any more problems with M___. I'm begging you to please help us!

Sincerely and awaiting your reply,

P. & C.


```````````````

Re: Does your e-book come in a hard or paper bound form?

No …I’m sorry. For a hard copy, you must print from your own printer.

Re: Have you ever come across a issue like this before?

Yes …petting, more often referred to as making out or rounding the bases (you know, getting to 1st base, 2nd base, 3rd base, and so on), and sometimes called heavy petting is a term covering a broad range of sexual behaviors (e.g., giving/getting a hickey, deep kissing, sexual touching of one's partner). The touching, caressing, massaging and kissing of another person's body can take place through the clothing or under the clothing, and 'heavy petting' usually involves removing some clothing and touching BELOW the waist.

Since heavy petting is progressively more sexual, it carries greater risks and consequences (e.g., risk of pregnancy or infection of a serious STD). In the example of petting below the waist and inside the pants and underwear, the same hand touches both person's genitals (i.e., when touching yourself and then your partner, you can transfer body fluids, including sperm, to your partner's genitals). This same risk is true when two people share the same sex toys in the same way. Even a tiny amount of fluid or sperm is enough to transfer a disease or get a girl pregnant (warning: sperm can live outside the body, though not for very long).

Transferring body fluids, including sperm, from one partner's genitals to the other person's genitals can result in pregnancy (when male to female), or the passing of a serious sexually transmitted disease (e.g., Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Chlamydia, Herpes, AIDS, HPV, Hepatitis, Trichomoniasis, Pubic Lice [crabs], Scabies). Heavy petting with many different partners greatly increases the risk of STD's.

Thus, I think some simple ‘sex-education’ would be better for your daughter at this point than some type of negative consequence.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

How do you get the balance?

How do you get the balance? Great kid – Used to be outstanding in school – has the intelligence to do it – but is totally unmotivated. Can’t get him to do anything – Husband tells me it’s my fault. He has currently lied to be – told me he had movie club after school till 4:30 – got letter from school today – has detention at school till 4:30. I believed him – even offered to bake when he told me – how dumb could I be?

How to I change his attitude?

```````````````

You’ve raised 3 issues here:

1. Poor academic performance – Refer to the recommendations here: “Emails From Exasperated Parents” (Online Version of the eBook)
2. Lying – Refer to the section “When Your Kid Lies” (Online Version)
3. School behavior problems – Use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (Online Version)

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com