In a week's time, I've seen a great change...

Mark,

Today, I spoke to my son's former counselor (whom I was asking for a referral for another counseling, which I did before I found your ebook). I told her, “I think I don't need it for now,” because I found your site. I gave her your site and told her to spread the word about your ebook, since her job deals with parents and kids of similar problems.

In a week's time, I've seen a great change. Now my 2nd son (AJ) asks permission before he goes out of the house and calls me when he can't come home on the agreed time. I can also see some smiles on his face little by little.

Thanks again for all the help!

A.D.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

When One Parent Sabotages the Other

"You mention that it is better to have a weaker discipline strategy from both parents than a stronger strategy from one, but what if one parent will not discipline the child and goes behind your back to replace items you have withdrawn. This parent encourages the child to lie and be deceitful as he practices these traits and encourages the child not to tell Mom. We are close to divorce, but both desire the best for the child, but we see the best very differently. Some of these difficulties are exaggerated by our ages - I am 57 and he is 78; our son is 12."

Click here for the answer...

I am sleeping on a couch...

Mark,

Where do I begin?? Family makeup first:

There is myself and my husband (married now three years). I have three daughters by a previous marriage. My oldest B is 22yrs, M who is 17 and the youngest S who is 16. My 16 and 17 year old live with my husband and me. My husband has one daughter who is 16 (does not live with him).

OK!!! I am currently separated from my husband for the second time in 3 years. I left because I could not take anymore of his screaming, yelling, slamming doors and blaming. He blames myself and my youngest daughter S for his daughter R not coming around anymore.

My daughter S is at times disrespectful, unruly, argumentative, physical sometimes, out of control.

When my husband and I met my daughter was excited. She loved and respected him. When she would behave unruly she would go apologize to him (not me). She has never had a father figure in her life and my husband treated her with great respect. He would say yes maam to her and show interest in her. His daughter was jealous of my daughter S and her dad together. My daughter S would talk about things my husband and her did together (speaking to his daughter); and his daughter would come up with a better story to tell my daughter and the games would begin. One child uping the other child’s story. They both were jealous of each other.

WELL, about a month after we were married my daughter shoved his daughter at school. My husband’s ex-wife turned it into a huge ordeal, filing a complaint with the principle, yelling at my husband for the ABUSE that was given to their daughter ect.

Let me tell you how I handled it. I told his ex-wife on the phone that I was sorry and that I would definitely take care of the situation. I asked my daughter S to come out into the living room (my husband was not at home yet). I asked my daughter what happened at school. She told me school was fine. I asked her if she shoved R at school and she said yes. I asked why and she said it was something R said to her. I let my daughter know that that was not the right thing to do and no matter what someone says to you - you DO NOT SHOVE THEM. Then I spanked her. My husband came home and I told her she needed to tell him. She did and he proceeded to scream yell and call her horrible names. I did not eat for three days after. Our marriage has been on the rocks ever since and he has proceeded to scream, yell, call names and blame throughout time to time. My daughter has behaved horrible at times and unruly out of control etc. It has put some pressure on our marriage.

NOW, that I am separated from him she is doing much better. I had one episode with her the other night concerning my daughter M of putting up and touching her things. It was wrong of S to get mad over such a small thing. I am not blind to her behavior, but she does not want to come back here to live. She does not trust my husband’s newfound realization of his wrongful and destructive actions. He has been reading your site and others on marriage BUT WHAT DO I DO ABOUT MY DAUGHTER’S ATTITUDE WITH MY HUSBAND (IF) I WERE TO CONSIDER COMING BACK??

I have asked her to (Honestly) write out a list of reasons why she would not mind coming back and reasons why she would not.

PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE I AM SLEEPING ON A COUCH AND NEED TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION HERE.

Please answer back.

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It sounds like your husband has realized he made a mistake in the way he handled the “shoving incident” and is seeking other, more constructive parenting strategies.

The marriage is the foundation of the family. Thus, it should come first. The children’s wants and needs come second. Diligently work on your marriage, and the other family problems will take care of themselves eventually.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He has run away from home...

Hello Mark,

I emailed you several weeks ago regarding my 15 year old son, C___, who has run away from home. As I said in my last email, the police returned him, but due to his age told him they could not make him stay.

As you can imagine, that sort of information to a 15 yr old with ODD/CD is gold and I haven’t seen him since. He is staying at his girlfriend's house with her family. She also is 15. This is unbelievable to me as I know they are involved in a sexual relationship.

I believe the parents are now "encouraging" him to return home, persuading him to call home and "discuss" it with us. How lovely of them! (As yet, no phone call from him). I have learned from his school (specific purposes school for behaviour) that he has attended 3 days in the last 3 weeks, although the family where he is staying believe he is attending far more frequently, as the mother drives him there!

The parents are a separate issue. I can’t deal with both and keep my sanity! What I need to ask you is, what do I do if he does ask to come home? Before he left, the "Rules" were extremely lenient. He was out after school every day, and out all weekend (away from the home) from Fri night to Sun evening. This is not acceptable to me, but I didn't know how to stop it. If I told him ‘no’ he just went anyway, with a mouth full of filth. Same with the total disrespect and foul language directed at his step father and myself, and the name calling and bullying of his younger brother (9). We also have a 7 month old son who, along with my 9 yr old, I am desperate to protect from C___'s behaviour.

I have been advised, by school and police, to tell him he is welcome back, but if he does not wish to follow the rules to ask him to leave again. (At 15!)

I don’t believe I am asking too much for civil behaviour, regular attendance at school, sessions with his counsellor, 3 afternoons at home for study and 2 with mates, and one weekend night out. The problem is that after all the freedom he has bullied us into giving him, and that he has acquired since being away from home, it is unlikely he will agree.

I am second guessing myself, I have anxiety about him returning to our now peaceful home, and I feel that I have no confidence in my own decision making.

Please advise....

B.

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Hi B.,

I agree with the police and school officials. If the Juvenile Laws in your area are such that you cannot file what we call in the U.S. "run away charges," then do as they say: If he returns home and violates house rules, he needs to find another place to live again.

In the meantime, enjoy some peace and quiet. And thank God he has somewhere else to live.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He really loses it...

Hi,

I’m finding the printable version of your book very helpful in realising i'm not the only parent with this problem. My son is a really nice kid 60% of the time, but when something doesn't go his way, he really loses it, trashing his room, throwing anything he can get his hands on. As you predicted, this has got worse to the point where he was very physical towards me. My main problem is how to get a 13yr old to stay in his room etc. I've taken his t.v. away at the moment, but he just goes to his brothers room to watch it. If i ask him to leave he just says no. How do you get a child to leave a room without encouraging physical aggravation?

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I would use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Online Version of the eBook].

Also, you may want to consider putting a lock on his brother’s bedroom door so that he is essentially locked-out of that room [brother can lock him out when he goes in there to watch t.v.].

If he is physically violent, he should be on some kind of psychiatric med. If he attacks anyone, you really should call the police.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

We are doing better than before...

Mark,

My husband and I have been going over your book and we have found it to be incredibly helpful. I am still losing control over myself and getting into screaming matches with my ODD kid, but we are still doing better than before we found your book.

C.K.

My Out of Control Teen

Pack her suitcase for her...

Hi Mark:

After receiving your email, I did go through some of the points in your book, etc. I know most of it is a “tough love” method, etc. and I do understand that. Well in follow up to my last email to you, our daughter went camping with friends last Saturday and lied about where she would be. She was in the same vicinity, but we did not know where. When she called me on Sunday morning (father’s day) and she told me she’d be doing this a lot, camping every weekend with friends, etc., I told her this wasn’t going to fly, I don’t know where she is and I can’t trust her and that possibly I would allow it here and there and on exceptions, but not every weekend. Well, of course, she freaked out and then I heard the old phrase “all the other parents don’t care”, to which I always reply “they don’t care as much as me, I do care about you” and no one’s mother would be checking on them, etc.

She didn’t come home Sunday night, basically because she didn’t like what I said, and she didn’t come home Monday night. My husband called and left messages on her voicemail, because she didn’t pick up her phone, and told her to come home, that this was unacceptable, all the same stuff we’ve said, and the next morning he called her again and told her he’d shut her phone off if she didn’t call, and THEN she called, of course.

She was gone that night too, he told her to be in early evening to talk to us. Well she came home and was here a little while after she worked, talked to her sister about how she was off “dirt biking”, etc., with no remorse, nothing said to me, etc. and I couldn’t believe this, I just stood there and started saying, you have to leave, you have to live somewhere else, you have no respect or consideration for us, any of us, I will not take this abuse any more, I’m stressed out to the max, I have three other kids and a husband to take care of, you HAVE to go, I was very clear. This was a turning point for me.

Well, she left to go to work and, so, I put her suitcase on the front porch so she would realize we were done and she had to wake up and stop acting like this. So her father waited up for her until 1:30 a.m. and she did not come home. The next day, my husband told her that we had had it, she had to go, but if she changed her ways, she was always welcome home. We had to do this, because she has nowhere to go, except stay with friends, and it is scary throwing your child out on the street.

Well, she came and got her suitcase that day around 4:30. I just saw her leave in her car, no words were exchanged and it was very emotional. Well, by Friday, she had called a friend of ours saying she wanted to come home and that if he’d call her father (never me) and see if we’d let her come home, etc. Her father called her and told her it had to be under totally different circumstances, that she had to be respectful, etc., yada yada yada, the same old stuff, and he said she seemed to be truly upset and moved.

When she came home, she came into the kitchen and said “Sean (this friend) and dad wanted me to come home.” I said, “Do you want to be here?” And she said, “Well, yeah, and I don’t have any money or anywhere to live”. Not the “hat in your hand” attitude I was expecting. Well, we talked a few minutes, she was the same, she was still blaming me for the first time she ran away on her eighteenth birthday, and I told her the second time she pulled this stunt, I would pack her a suitcase, and that’s what we, I said “WE” had done. So it just starts all over again.

She showered, put her suitcase in her bedroom, watched t.v. with us for a little while (which was a token thrown at us) and then went out with her friends until curfew. Yesterday was the same thing, she got up, left with friends, and came in to shower and left again until curfew. Today she got up, didn’t eat with the family when we called the kids for breakfast, instead, left with friends, when I told her to unpack her suitcase, she flung me a nasty stare and said she’d do it later, etc. like always, with her mean looks and no respect attitude. She came home around 6:00 p.m. to wash her car (her best friend) and then when she went to leave again at 9:00 p.m., she said she was going to meet Joe and then Greg, etc. and out to curfew.

I have to tell you, I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do with this kid. I did tell her Friday that one of the conditions that her father and I have decided is that she has to seek counseling because of her ADHD or possible BiPolar disorder. I’m going to find her a new doctor (the old one doesn’t do kids over 18) and she has got to try another medication so she has a normal thinking pattern and has a normal life. This is so difficult for me at this point. I was fine with her gone, yes, I worried, but I knew she’d have friends to stay with for a while, I thought it was too soon, she hadn’t reached a turning point, she hadn’t reached the bottom yet, I thought another week might have made a different, maybe sleeping in her car a few nights, etc. So, here we are, back to square one. My husband thinks this is going to happen a few times before she gets it, but what he has to realize is that I can’t take the stress any more. Any input? I definitely need input.

P.

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Hi P.,

Yes ...I’ve got input. You were on the right track when you made her leave. You got off track again when you let her back in. She should be able to visit, but she needs to be out on her own. She will not change otherwise. How much longer will you tolerate her disrespect? Haven’t you wasted enough time and energy trying to change her?

If you want to see significant, long-term change, pack her suitcase for her.

My favorite statement from a mother (and member of Online Parent Support) who was going through a similar deal with her daughter was when she said, “Turn in your house key …you’re washed-up as a ‘live-at-home’ daughter.”

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com