Where do I begin?? Family makeup first:
There is myself and my husband (married now three years). I have three daughters by a previous marriage. My oldest B is 22yrs, M who is 17 and the youngest S who is 16. My 16 and 17 year old live with my husband and me. My husband has one daughter who is 16 (does not live with him).
OK!!! I am currently separated from my husband for the second time in 3 years. I left because I could not take anymore of his screaming, yelling, slamming doors and blaming. He blames myself and my youngest daughter S for his daughter R not coming around anymore.
My daughter S is at times disrespectful, unruly, argumentative, physical sometimes, out of control.
When my husband and I met my daughter was excited. She loved and respected him. When she would behave unruly she would go apologize to him (not me). She has never had a father figure in her life and my husband treated her with great respect. He would say yes maam to her and show interest in her. His daughter was jealous of my daughter S and her dad together. My daughter S would talk about things my husband and her did together (speaking to his daughter); and his daughter would come up with a better story to tell my daughter and the games would begin. One child uping the other child’s story. They both were jealous of each other.
WELL, about a month after we were married my daughter shoved his daughter at school. My husband’s ex-wife turned it into a huge ordeal, filing a complaint with the principle, yelling at my husband for the ABUSE that was given to their daughter ect.
Let me tell you how I handled it. I told his ex-wife on the phone that I was sorry and that I would definitely take care of the situation. I asked my daughter S to come out into the living room (my husband was not at home yet). I asked my daughter what happened at school. She told me school was fine. I asked her if she shoved R at school and she said yes. I asked why and she said it was something R said to her. I let my daughter know that that was not the right thing to do and no matter what someone says to you - you DO NOT SHOVE THEM. Then I spanked her. My husband came home and I told her she needed to tell him. She did and he proceeded to scream yell and call her horrible names. I did not eat for three days after. Our marriage has been on the rocks ever since and he has proceeded to scream, yell, call names and blame throughout time to time. My daughter has behaved horrible at times and unruly out of control etc. It has put some pressure on our marriage.
NOW, that I am separated from him she is doing much better. I had one episode with her the other night concerning my daughter M of putting up and touching her things. It was wrong of S to get mad over such a small thing. I am not blind to her behavior, but she does not want to come back here to live. She does not trust my husband’s newfound realization of his wrongful and destructive actions. He has been reading your site and others on marriage BUT WHAT DO I DO ABOUT MY DAUGHTER’S ATTITUDE WITH MY HUSBAND (IF) I WERE TO CONSIDER COMING BACK??
I have asked her to (Honestly) write out a list of reasons why she would not mind coming back and reasons why she would not.
PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE I AM SLEEPING ON A COUCH AND NEED TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION HERE.
Please answer back.
It sounds like your husband has realized he made a mistake in the way he handled the “shoving incident” and is seeking other, more constructive parenting strategies.
The marriage is the foundation of the family. Thus, it should come first. The children’s wants and needs come second. Diligently work on your marriage, and the other family problems will take care of themselves eventually.
The Strong-Willed Out-of-Control Teen
The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages, self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to control.
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