You Just Got Punked -- Again!

Hi Mark,

Good news (I hope). Just when I resigned myself to not having C___ back home with us in the near foreseeable future, he text messaged my phone requesting birth certificate and bank details because he has found a part time job. (Part time is good because it means he still intends to go to school). His own money is a worry because of his need to drink and smoke it. (And other drugs).

He came around home and visited briefly with his brothers, collected the above requested documents and left. I felt guarded and defensive, (and then guilty because being his mother I should've been more open and "loving"). He didn't know where he was going to be living, but he was clean and looked well, and was polite to myself and his brothers. He wanted to hold the baby and talk with my 9 yr old.

After he left I felt so bad I texted his phone and told him that I love him, even if I have trouble saying it at times. (And after a bit of self-discovery I realised I only have trouble saying it to him, not my other two sons??) He returned the message telling me that even though he hated me at times, and apologised for it, I was still his Mum an he loved me too. Thank God for modern technology because otherwise these sentiments would unsaid. Shame.

Anyway, as I was thinking of him today he texted me again and said he was thinking of coming home, if that was okay. I replied of course it was fine, but decided to leave the logistics until he returns. (The "rules", and if he doesn’t like them that he will have to go). Should I have told him then and there? This is the first time he has asked to come home of his own accord. We have physically dragged him home before.

He later messaged again asking for my help with work/tax related information so I called and he informed me that he would be returning in a few days. I still didn’t say anything about the rules. (Mind you, these rules are no different really to what we tried to enforce before.)

I am STILL afraid of upsetting him.

1. Why do I tread on eggshells around this child for fear of him getting upset?

2. So, why do I treat him differently? (His father died when he as 8 and I put his behaviour down to this earlier on, but then it escalated to the present day.)

3. Why has he managed to dictate the run of the house?

4. Why am I afraid to upset him? I am afraid it is too late for the rules and consequences because he has been away from home, and he has just done whatever he likes in the past. If I told him ‘no’ he would tell me to get f#$% … then go anyway?????

I am feeling some dread at his return... because I am not looking forward to his reaction when we tell him its our way or the highway, (because I don’t want him to leave again).
AGGGGHHH help....

B.

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Hi B.,

I only have one phrase for you: You Just Got Punked! (i.e., fell for a manipulated again).

Here you go again -- round 25.

Expect a honeymoon phase where things go well for a few days or weeks, then you'll be right back to where you started (i.e., major parent-child conflict).

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I am proud of myself -- I did it!

Dear Mark,

In reading your book, I realized that there are others out there that have exactly the same problems as I do, and who are making exactly the same mistakes as I was -- and that there are people like yourself that advocate what I believed in. This has helped me gain the strength I needed to tackle the onslaught. And let me tell you that this is exactly what it has been the last 3 weeks.

I put the expectations and responsibilities with the earning or loss of privileges on paper, and when I handed it to my son and wanted to discuss it with him – well, almighty hell broke loose! And this continued for a whole week – constant swearing and telling me he will not adhere to it and I will not control him.

Although battered and bruised by the emotional experience, I am proud of myself -- I did it! I put my poker face on and stuck to my guns. A week later, although he is still not earning any pocket money (as he refuses to do what I have put on the list), he did come to me and ask what he needed to do to get his computer back.

We are now at the un-grounding point (and the 'get the computer back' point) as he has managed to go a whole week without loosing his temper and swearing. He still does have the attitude that he will not do what is on the list, but I am watching him carefully -- and have been able to keep the discipline in place for the most relevant things I put on the list.

G.D.

Online Parent Support

We've wasted hours in counseling...

Thanks Mark. After reading some of your ebook, it makes me realize areas we have to work on. Not ONE counselor we've ever seen has ever made more sense -- we've wasted hours in counseling. We are going to take some positive steps forward now.

E. & P.

Online Parent Support

How Do I Implement the 3-Day Grounding?

Hi Mark,

I am new to your ebook. I am really hoping that I can follow what you have to say. I will give you a little background.

I have a very difficult 15 year old son. He has always been difficult. He is ADHD, ODD and has anxiety issues. He has been on medication since age 8 and just recently went off of it and refuses to go back on it. Because his behavior has not been much worse since going off medication I haven't made that an issue. My son's father left us 6 years ago and moved to another state. He sees my 2 sons (my other is 12 and well behaved) once or twice a year and might call a couple times a month. My older son, J___, hates his father. He doesn't answer his phone calls and hates to go see him. This has made him a more angry kid.

I got remarried a year ago and things have gotten worse. My husband has a hard time hearing J___ treat me the way he does. He is very disrespectful and explodes when things don't go his way. My husband has tried to stay out of it but a few times has intervened which made things worse.

We are in counseling - and have been forever. My marriage is really on the rocks now. I feel like I have to choose between my husband and my son. I am afraid of my son at times and of his anger. I don't want him to end up doing something he is going to regret. I am actually looking at specialty boarding schools now but financially it will ruin us. Your program is kind of my last hope.

Your email to me about faith was very applicable. I am a Christian. But my faith is so small right now. I feel like I have been praying for my son for 15 years with no changes. And now with the problems in my marriage due to my son, my faith is at an all time low. I do tend to beat myself up and tell myself negative things. My counselor is trying to help me stop that. I will try to read your email often and follow it.

I do have a question. You state in the ebook that you ground your child and take away things for 3 days. I'm not quite sure what that means. Do I take away computer, cell phone and ipod (his 3 favorite) but let him do whatever else, like go outside? Or do I make him stay in his room for 3 days and take away the phone and ipod while he is in there (the computerr is in another room).

Also, I keep trying to watch the videos, but nothing happens when I click on them. What program do I need to view them?

Thanks for your help.

L.

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Hi L.,

First: click here to fix the video problem: Video Problem

Second: BE SURE to listen to ALL the audio files in the Online Version of the eBook. I go into detail about how to implement the 3-day grounding below:

==> Anger Management
==> How Do You Eat An Elephant?
==> Take Everything Away?

Good Luck ...stay in touch,

Mark

In a week's time, I've seen a great change...

Mark,

Today, I spoke to my son's former counselor (whom I was asking for a referral for another counseling, which I did before I found your ebook). I told her, “I think I don't need it for now,” because I found your site. I gave her your site and told her to spread the word about your ebook, since her job deals with parents and kids of similar problems.

In a week's time, I've seen a great change. Now my 2nd son (AJ) asks permission before he goes out of the house and calls me when he can't come home on the agreed time. I can also see some smiles on his face little by little.

Thanks again for all the help!

A.D.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

When One Parent Sabotages the Other

"You mention that it is better to have a weaker discipline strategy from both parents than a stronger strategy from one, but what if one parent will not discipline the child and goes behind your back to replace items you have withdrawn. This parent encourages the child to lie and be deceitful as he practices these traits and encourages the child not to tell Mom. We are close to divorce, but both desire the best for the child, but we see the best very differently. Some of these difficulties are exaggerated by our ages - I am 57 and he is 78; our son is 12."

Click here for the answer...

I am sleeping on a couch...

Mark,

Where do I begin?? Family makeup first:

There is myself and my husband (married now three years). I have three daughters by a previous marriage. My oldest B is 22yrs, M who is 17 and the youngest S who is 16. My 16 and 17 year old live with my husband and me. My husband has one daughter who is 16 (does not live with him).

OK!!! I am currently separated from my husband for the second time in 3 years. I left because I could not take anymore of his screaming, yelling, slamming doors and blaming. He blames myself and my youngest daughter S for his daughter R not coming around anymore.

My daughter S is at times disrespectful, unruly, argumentative, physical sometimes, out of control.

When my husband and I met my daughter was excited. She loved and respected him. When she would behave unruly she would go apologize to him (not me). She has never had a father figure in her life and my husband treated her with great respect. He would say yes maam to her and show interest in her. His daughter was jealous of my daughter S and her dad together. My daughter S would talk about things my husband and her did together (speaking to his daughter); and his daughter would come up with a better story to tell my daughter and the games would begin. One child uping the other child’s story. They both were jealous of each other.

WELL, about a month after we were married my daughter shoved his daughter at school. My husband’s ex-wife turned it into a huge ordeal, filing a complaint with the principle, yelling at my husband for the ABUSE that was given to their daughter ect.

Let me tell you how I handled it. I told his ex-wife on the phone that I was sorry and that I would definitely take care of the situation. I asked my daughter S to come out into the living room (my husband was not at home yet). I asked my daughter what happened at school. She told me school was fine. I asked her if she shoved R at school and she said yes. I asked why and she said it was something R said to her. I let my daughter know that that was not the right thing to do and no matter what someone says to you - you DO NOT SHOVE THEM. Then I spanked her. My husband came home and I told her she needed to tell him. She did and he proceeded to scream yell and call her horrible names. I did not eat for three days after. Our marriage has been on the rocks ever since and he has proceeded to scream, yell, call names and blame throughout time to time. My daughter has behaved horrible at times and unruly out of control etc. It has put some pressure on our marriage.

NOW, that I am separated from him she is doing much better. I had one episode with her the other night concerning my daughter M of putting up and touching her things. It was wrong of S to get mad over such a small thing. I am not blind to her behavior, but she does not want to come back here to live. She does not trust my husband’s newfound realization of his wrongful and destructive actions. He has been reading your site and others on marriage BUT WHAT DO I DO ABOUT MY DAUGHTER’S ATTITUDE WITH MY HUSBAND (IF) I WERE TO CONSIDER COMING BACK??

I have asked her to (Honestly) write out a list of reasons why she would not mind coming back and reasons why she would not.

PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE I AM SLEEPING ON A COUCH AND NEED TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION HERE.

Please answer back.

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It sounds like your husband has realized he made a mistake in the way he handled the “shoving incident” and is seeking other, more constructive parenting strategies.

The marriage is the foundation of the family. Thus, it should come first. The children’s wants and needs come second. Diligently work on your marriage, and the other family problems will take care of themselves eventually.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com