My son made somewhat of an about-face-turn...

Mark,

Thanks for the email. My son made somewhat of an about-face-turn a couple of months ago. Things aren't always perfect everyday, but he seems to have really grown. My being patient & truly listening seemed to make him respect me more. He has made a lot of promises that I intend to help him keep. He promises to do much better in school his last two years. He has some making up to do. But I have no doubt he will pull through.

I allowed the purchase of another vehicle, a 1996 Mustang, as he thought he had a job, through a friend of his, but the job didn't happen. He knows I can't afford another vehicle 100% & his dad doesn't help a whole lot, so I try to keep him positive in continuing in his job search. His part in it will be to repay me half, $2000. I work about 45 minutes from home, so another vehicle really was needed when he does find one. And too, I figured it would give him something to appreciate since he seems to be making wiser choices.

The other night the two of us watched the movie "Life As A House". It is rated R, but at almost 17, I thought he would be able to relate to it quite well. I think it really made him think a bit. I think this movie has a great message.

I think the most difficult thing for me, as somewhat of a co-dependant person, I worked at this for years, was to let him take those risks & chances that he wanted & needed to take on his own. In turn, as he has shown more respect & maturity, he gains more independence.

Thank you for your help & support. Thank you for your continued e-mails. There were days that it did & still does keep me motivated. Thank you for caring about all of our children. They are our Nation’s future.

And with that said, I hope my 13 year old son doesn't give me as much grief. But if he does, maybe I will be all the wiser.

Thank you,

K.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Pick Your Battles Carefully

HI Mark,

Thanks for checking in. Life is okay for now. We booted our oldest daughter out after the party in the house, she is now living in an apartment with a friend, so things have really gotten better at home, not having that stress. She seems to be doing okay. I don’t like her partying, but she is starting college in the fall and will be working, so hopefully that
will tone down.

I do have a question. I have a 12 year old daughter at home now, that is wonderful don’t get me wrong. But I was curious, when I am issuing her a consequence she rolls her eyes and looks away very upset with arms crossed and often storms out of the room and slams her door. Is this something that I should have an issue with? She follows through with the consequences that have been issued, but I just wonder how much I should make of the door slamming and eye rolling. Thanks for your advice.

P.

```````````````````````

Hi P.,

I would put the “eye-rolling/door slamming” in a file named Don’t Fight That Battle. If she’s following through with the consequence, then you win.

However, if she’s damaging the door or door frame, or if she slams so hard that things fall off the shelves and break, then issue a warning: “If you choose to slam the door, you’ll choose the consequence. The door will be removed.” …or “If you choose to slam the door, you’ll choose the consequence – you will be grounded FROM your room (except to sleep, of course).”

If she slams again after the warning, follow through with the consequence. Then, while on discipline, if she doesn’t do any door slamming for 3 days, she gets her door put back on the hinges. (Doors are fairly easy to remove and re-install.)

In any event, do not – DO NOT – let her know that this is irritating to you.

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

"My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook on CD.

I would like to say how useful your [audio] CDs are. I was wondering if you had ever considered producing some for the kids??? I am thinking that hearing you talk would link them into information that they need to hear about themselves, about behaviours, about the effects of conditions and the possibilities of how different strategies can bring about alteration and change. My idea is that you educated them, as well as parents. What do you think? I am really hopeful about this idea. Maybe it wouldn't work for some, depending on their nature, but it could work for others.

Thanks for all your support. I really do think that it is time all teachers, social workers, youth workers, mental health doctors, began to further their education with your direction! Go safely.

"My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook on CD.

I JUST HAVE TO DO IT...

MARK-

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE GREAT ADVICE. I DO UNDERSTAND AND AGREE WITH YOUR POINTS. I JUST HAVE TO DO IT WITH MY TEENS. I WILL PRINT OUT YOUR EMAIL-CONSULTATION AND RE-READ IT MANY TIMES.

HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND AND I WILL TRY MY BEST. THANKS AGAIN. I AM VERY HAPPY AND COMFORTED THAT I JOINED YOUR CLASS.

T.S.

Join Online Parent Support

We don't have boot camps here...

Hi Mark –

I've now had a chance to review your parenting strategies. Living in the UK, there are some limitations on the effectiveness of those strategies, simply due to your natural focus on the USA. We don't have boot camps here, and there is sadly very little "preventative" work done or actual "practical" support for young people and families. My role is to provide mediation and one-to-one support for challenging young people aged 10-16 years. I have a huge geographic area to cover and a gigantic waiting list!

Do you know of anyone in the UK who is actively putting your ideas into practice? I will be discussing your work with some of my colleagues who work in Social Services, and pass on their responses, to you.

Regards

P.S. - Gravesend (near London), Kent. United Kingdom

```````````````````````````````

Hi P.,

Re: Do you know of anyone in the UK who is actively putting your ideas into practice?

Unfortunately 'no' ...this is why we spent the time/energy/money to put the program 'online' ...so that non-U.S. families can have access to the material.

If I can be of any help whatsoever, please let me know!

Mark

P.S. Boot camp is not part of my method. If you read carefully, I recommend against boot camp because, even though it has a great positive impact on the teen's behavior, the 'behavior change' has no longevity (i.e., once the kids comes home, most begin to act out - again - with a few short weeks).

Online Parent Support

Join Online Parent Support

Dear Brother,

Greetings in Jesus Name From India.

I am Manoj from Kerala (South India) working as an Evangelist for 12 years in Northern Part of India properly called Greater Noida. I am working among the children in a school. I am married recently and doing the ministry.

I am greatly in need of some help …then I have seen your site. I could know that you help the family too. Can I have more details about it?

Looking forward hopefully to hear from you.

Manoj

``````````````````

Hi Manoj,

When parents have finally had enough disrespect and behavior problems with their child, they come to my office to file an incorrigibility charge (i.e., a legal complaint due to the child being unruly and delinquent in the home).

At this point, I ask the parent, "Would you be willing to try something else first before we consider filing the charge." And most parents agree they would rather not involve their child in the "juvenile justice system" unless they absolutely have to.

So I get the parent involved in my parent-program called Parent-Teen Support Group. In this group, which meets 90 minutes each session for 4 sessions, we look at a set of highly effective unconventional parenting strategies to use with their strong-willed, out-of-control unconventional child.

I follow up with these parents weeks and months after they complete programming, and 85% to 95% of parents:

(a) are able to avoid involving their child in the court system

(b) report that problems in the home and school have reduced in frequency and severity

(c) report that the few remaining problems are manageable

Now the Parent-Teen Support Group is available to the public. And they don't even have to leave their homes to participate.

The online version of this group is called Online Parent Support. You can access all 4 sessions at anytime ...you can go at your own pace ...and there is no time limit. (We recommend you only do one session per week.)

Online Parent Support (OPS) is a program designed specifically for parents of strong-willed or out-of-control adolescent children. OPS provides the practical and emotional support parents need to change destructive adolescent behavior.

The straightforward, step-by-step action plans presented in the curriculum allow parents to take immediate steps toward preventing or intervening in their children’s negative choices. Parents involved with OPS have the opportunity to experience success at home within the first week.

The curriculum teaches concrete prevention, identification, and intervention strategies for the most destructive of adolescent behaviors. Parents cycle through programming quickly, thus reducing the length of time that (a) effective solutions in parenting are implemented and (b) resultant positive change in adolescent behavior is experienced.

Join OPS

Undiagnosed ADHD & CD?

HI Mark,

I'm sure you must be sick of me by now but believe me when I say, you are the only person I have found in nearly 7 years who knows how to handle CD and ODD. Your advice is practical and sound, and it WORKS. I can’t thank you enough for your advice and guidance …it has changed the whole dynamic of our home.

Yes, I know what your answer would be and I am proud to say we stuck to our guns, and C___ chose to go. Well, the door is open if he changes his mind. Yes, he chose to leave rather than face the rather lenient (compared to previous restrictions), 3 day discipline. And it is a lot easier to let him go now. I know this sounds cold, but my younger boys need a peaceful, stable home and I know that C___ is resourceful. He will never starve or go dirty. He has been raised with the finer things, believe me, if he wasn’t able to wash/condition his lovely hair he would be home quick smart.

I have been reading the other posts and I thought you may be interested that my younger son, 9 yrs, has been diagnosed with ADHD but we went through a rather long process of ruling out autism and aspergers syndrome. With a few years of intensive therapy, both occupational and speech, he has finally begun to catch up with his reading etc. His behaviour is no problem, (although around 3-4 yrs he was very difficult). His ADHD is inattentive type ...Might I say we have fought several pediatricians and refused medication, and with a lot of effort and therapy he has caught up with his age in reading.

Would I be right in assuming that C___ may have undiagnosed ADHD, as well as CD? I have thought this a lot over the past year at least …he just never had the learning difficulties that alerted everyone to my younger son's condition. His education is now severely behind due to the CD. His behaviour however has been of major concern since 8-9 yr old. I just put this down to his dad dying at the time. Thinking back, he was always a challenge, from toddler on. Is it genetic, biological? (I was a VERY difficult child/teenager, despite my current occupation and beliefs).

I apologise for sounding like a nut, but as with most parents who have luckily found this site, I have been struggling for years with questions etc.

CLICK HERE for a free report on ADHD, ODD & CD.