I intend to make a fresh start for us...

Hi Mark,

My out of control teen is staying with family over the summer and won't be back till three days before the start of school. He stays with a disciplinarian uncle who has a 15-year old son who is close to Daniel. His uncle's observation of him is that he is a very smart kid who will manipulate anyone he can. He is a very good kid there, listens very well, and follows the rules well. According to family, he gained some weight, well-groomed and his looks is so improved. I don't talk to him much because I want him to absorb all the discipline there.

When he gets back, I intend to make a fresh start for us. He will be in 8th grade. I will spell in much more clear terms the rules, expectations and the consequences. His being disrespectful, poor grades and bad attitude is what gets to me. I intend to address these with him. Any suggestions?

Thank you,

L.

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Please refer to the Q & A page: Emails From Parents

JUST THANK YOU

THIS IS ABOUT MY 10 YEAR OLD GRANDSON WHOM I HAVE BEEN WITH ALMOST EVERY DAY SINCE HE AND HIS TWIN SISTER WERE BORN. FOR B_____, THERE HAVE BEEN MANY PSYCHIATRIC VISITS AND ONE RECENT HOSPITALIZATION AT A PROMINENT CHILD PSYCH FACILITY, YET NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN GIVEN TO HELP THOSE CAREGIVERS WHO ARE WITH B____ MOST OF THE WAKING DAY.

YOUR BOOK WAS THE FIRST. I PERUSED IT THIS WEEK AND GOT:

1ST - HAVE A POKER FACE WHEN DEALING WITH THIS CHILD BECAUSE "CONVENTIONAL METHODS DO NOT WORK."

2ND - DON'T ARGUE - LET IT BE A "TEMPER TANTRUM" NOT A 2-WAY FIGHT …AND, OF COURSE, I MARKED MANY, MANY PAGES.

THERE IS, THANKFULLY, ATTENTION NOW BEING GIVEN TO RESEARCH IN YOUTH PSYCHIATRY.

WELL, NO QUESTION NOW, JUST THANK YOU.

J.B.

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have some hope...

Mark,

I just found your website and am very interested. I received your eBook last night and started reading it. You have written it for me!

My 13 year old son and I have a meeting with his probation officer this afternoon, between him and your online support I have some hope.

K___ has been seeing counselors for the past 4 years. He has never done well in a school setting. He does not get along well with other kids and has real issues with authority. All of his behaviors I either thought could be managed or he would outgrow. Instead things have escalated. He is an angry young guy and I just don't understand him most of the time. He lies most of the time and when we do talk I don't know what is real and what isn't.

At the same time that I am so frustrated with him, I also know that there is a very sensitive and caring person in him. He is very talented artistically and has a very creative mind. Pointed in the right direction, he will do awesome things. I just need to help him see that.

Anyway, thank you for e-mailing. I look forward to seeing better days with K___.

J.

Online Parent Support

Parenting Program for Troubled Teens

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Anything to get a response...

"Hi Mark, I was quite impressed with what I read [in your eBook] and realize that I need to get more consistent with my kids (aged 11 and 7). My 11 yo daughter is the strong-willed one. One question I have is how to deal with their fighting. My daughter likes to have constant interaction and even when my son (7) wants to be by himself, she walks by and tries to provoke him, or bully him into playing - anything to get a response. He finally blows up and throws something at her and she claims she did nothing. Often they do play well together, but just as often they bicker, hurl insults, and physically hurt each other. We have gone through phases of ignoring it, sitting them down and trying to get them to work things out (never worked) …now we just send both of them to their rooms for a half an hour or an hour. What is the best tactic? Thanks, L."

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Hi L.,

This may not be true in your case, but what I find most often with parents who say "they tried ignoring the conflict" is this: They "ignored" for a short period of time, but then got feed-up, intervened to protect the younger one, and poured on a bunch of intensity while "things were going wrong."

Result:The older sib gets a payoff because she received the parent's intensity by pushing her "anger" button, and the younger one gets a payoff because he received the parent's intensity by pushing her "protection" button. Because of the 'payoff', the "problem" is reinforced ( i.e., behavior is rewarded and therefore repeated).

Ignoring behavior is an over-rated parenting strategy, but in this case it is the recommended strategy -- unless physical violence enters the picture (e.g., throwing things at one another, hitting, pushing, etc.). When the kids become violent, the parent will do best by using the strategy "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [in the Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].

I hope this answers your question adequately. If you need any clarification regarding the strategy listed above, don't hesitate to email again.

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

It Was Just A "Mistake"

Initially I signed on as a teacher looking for signs and strategies to deal with high school-age students. I am now seeing some of the behaviours I was afraid of in my own son, now 13.

This weekend we were invited to a family friend's cottage. They gave him several gifts, but when we returned home, it appears as if he may have stolen from them. Specifically, the boys (adults and children) went out fishing. My son borrowed a fishing lure from our host and caught a nice fish with it. The next day the lure was in his tackle box. When confronted he denied stealing it and claimed it must have been a mix-up. Maybe he put his in our host's tackle box and kept the host's.

We made him call the owner a report the "mistake" and make arrangements to make the exchange the next time we were in town. Despite all opportunities to confess his wrongdoing he maintains that he is innocent. I don't believe it. What do I do next?

K.

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You've done all you need to do (i.e., had your son call the owner with plans to return the item). I doubt that you will get a confession out of your son. He's probably embarrassed about getting caught and wants to save face at this point.

You're probably right - he took the lure - but if you have no evidence that he did this on purpose, then you should not issue a consequence for "stealing" - or "lying."

I think he learned something from the experience.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Abort or Adopt?

Teen Pregnancy: The Pros & Cons of Abortion

In the U.S., ‘teen’ abortion accounts for nearly 20% of all procedures of this nature. The average age of those receiving abortions is dropping from 19 to 17. Although the teen pregnancy rate has declined in the United States over the last ten years, the percentages have actually increased.

Teens are more likely to: (a) make a snap judgment and try to cover up their pregnancy from their parents by having an abortion; (b) to report having wanted to keep the baby, higher levels of feeling misinformed in pre-abortion counseling, less satisfaction with abortion services and greater post-abortion stress; and (c) use immature coping strategies such as projection of their problems on to others, denial, or "acting out."

Teens who abort are: (a) 2 to 4 times more likely to commit suicide than adults who abort (a history of abortion is likely to be associated with adolescent suicidal thinking); (b) more likely to develop psychological problems; and (c) nearly three times more likely to be admitted to mental health hospitals than teens in general.