41-Year-Old Mother Has Sex With 16-Year-Old

Mark-

Well as I told you before K___, our now 16 year old ran away and was on probation. He is now in custody and we go back to court on the 2nd of August, for sentencing. We informed probation where he was for 3 months before they finally found him right where we said he was the whole time. Just a few blocks away. The problem is and was that he was at a friend’s house and he was having a relationship with his friend’s 41 year old mother …she has 4 children in her household all from different fathers. The 3 year olds father just turned 22 years old and he has no parents.

She took our son to the emergency room and used her son C___'s med-i-cal card to have K___ treated for an abscess tooth. She also drove 100 miles to steal K___ in the middle of the night from our relatives whom we were visiting to keep K___ safe until court. Five days was all it was. Obviously that didn't work either.

We are very concerned about what has happened to him in the last 3months. She was letting him do anything and everything that he wanted and also brainwashed him against his own family. The lawyer is telling us that they will probably release him into our custody on the 2nd of August just 2 days away. We know that we will not be able to keep him from running right back over to her. Since she knows that it is against his probation and she just doesn't seem to care. It seems as though from the way we see it she has committed a number of offenses and crimes, included rape of a minor. Please give me some input. I am really going crazy and do not know who to turn to for help on this matter.

L.

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Hi L.,

See if you can get a restraining order against the lady in question (so she’s not allowed to be around your son without legal ramifications). I’d also file a report with Child Protective Services. If your son returns to her house, file a runaway complaint.

Online Parent Support

I kept my poker face...

Thanks Mark,

Yes the tough reality... I have made lots of mistakes.... But today is a new day and a fresh start.

My son came home last night at 7.35pm after I made it clear that he needs to be home no later than 7pm for dinner...

He tried arguing with me but I kept my poker face and explained that I had said 7pm and that the grounding would start again from now.

With the support of my husband and lots of patience we got through a tough morning.

My son tried everything to get me to give his shoes back, real temper tantrums...he chopped up his old shoes, burnt another pair, carried on, broke a mirror, but I didn't budge. He found another old pair to put on and I told him after the 3 day grounding he could have his shoes back...

Thanks for your support.

Kind regards,

S.

Online Parent Support

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Mark,

I wanted to thank you for such a wonderful program. My wife and I have been utilizing the steps with our 18 year old son and have achieved remarkable results.

Recently, a friend of mine told me of his 18 year old daughter who was giving them problems similar to what we experienced with our son. I shared some of your steps and techniques. He had his first "encounter" with his daughter last night. He "put on his poker face" and dealt with the issue unemotionally and factually.

He came in this morning and reported that to his amazement it worked. His daughter returned home with him and they are now working on moving to the next phase of their relationship.

Again, thank you. I tell everyone I know about www.myoutofcontrolteen.com and how well the program works.

Keep up the good work!

Best Regards,

G.W.

The Program is called FAMILY...

I have four children ranging between the ages of 10 and 13. My two oldest are 13 year old girls. I got your program because I was needing help, help to stop screaming and having an awful day everyday because I couldn't get my kids to do anything that was expected of them. I learned a lot of our Parenting Newsletters, I read them every time the come into my inbox. I do not miss an issue! However, with my kids I needed more. My mother accuses me of being a liberal parent. Which I am sure that most of the parents from my generation are, I'm 33 years old. My father was impossibly hard and my mother was the typical housewife, "Listen to your father and you'll be ok." I swore I would give more to my children, more freedom, more understanding but through it all, I realized that you don't love them more if you give them MORE room to breathe. At times, you are actually hurting them.

The seem to be less confident, wanting to push the rules more because they already get so much. So, I have had to find a new way of parenting. I've gone to therapist after therapist that works with troubled kids and parents that are so lost in parenting. I finally found one that gave me a great idea that helps the children still feel like they have some control over what happens to them, but forces them to have consequences to their chosen actions.

The Program is called FAMILY. The way it works is this:

1. As a family you devise a set of rules that cannot be broken. We came up with about 20 of them. You can have as many as you want. Also a list of chores and due dates/times.

a. do as you are asked immediately

b. no cussing

c. curfew rules

2. Decide on how many cards each violation will cost

a. do as you are asked immediately costs (2)

b. no cussing costs (5)

3. Make 40 Good Habits Cards, 5 Wild Cards and 5 Grace Cards

a. Good habit cards - are things that have to be done around the house but are not normal chores

b. Wild Cards - are whatever you want them to be at the time of drawing them

c. Grace Cards - are get out of jail free cards, they get no extra jobs

4. When the child breaks a specific rule, the already know how many cards they are going to draw

a. the child can do the good habit card immediately or wait

b. if the child chooses to wait, they must wait in their room with NO tv, video games, phone etc (the self ground until the cards are completed)

c. once the card is completed, the punishment is over

5. Three Strikes Rule - these are for serious offenses and are not used lightly (ie running away from home etc)

a. Strike One - 1 week grounding, cannot leave room for any reason other than family meetings, bathroom, eating or school. Cannot play, watch tv, etc but can read a book or sleep for one week.

b. Strike Two - Same as above with 1 additional week of grounding and drawing all 50 good habit cards

c. Strike Three - Goes to a treatment facility

d. Pop-fly - the action is so bad (got caught with drugs or having sex, or running away from home for more than a day) they go directly to treatment facility

e. Bad-hair day - having a bad day and received a warning about to receive a strike

6. Devise a list of rewards

a. give a list of rewards with points required to receive them (such as going to the movies with friends)

7. Handipoints

a. use this website to calculate points received for doing their chores. It's a great site and they can enter their points themselves and then the parents approve them. They can also "purchase" their rewards here.... this is a GREAT site.

8. Finally, make sure that you have 2 additional people to help you. I have my husband (who is away at work but can call him) and if he's unreachable, I have my brother-in-law. They help clarify rules, they help support my parenting. This is a VERY necessary step! Make sure to have at least 1 other person that you trust to help you with this program.

I started this program about 2 month ago and am totally amazed at how much more respect, love and acceptance I've gotten from my children. The first week was terrible, they broke every rule and everyone was drawing cards, but we adjusted and now, the household chores get down without fighting or screaming because they know what will happen if the do not complete the chores. They don't fight as much, we have a family meeting every Sunday. My two oldest that are the same age, they even get along better because they don't want a strike. Which my son has already received and as he will tell you, "That totally sucks and I won't be doing that again!" This program has been a life-saver, have questions? Feel free to contact me.

Sincerely

Autumn

Online Parent Support

Behavior Contracts

The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University reported in their sixth annual national teen substance abuse survey that parents who are "'hands-on' – parents who have established a household culture of rules and expectations for their teens' behavior – raise children who are less at risk of smoking, drinking and using drugs." In addition, they said "Contrary to conventional wisdom, teens in 'hands-on' households are more likely to have an excellent relationship with their parents than teens with 'hands-off' parents." The survey concluded that, "parents should be parents to their teenagers, not pals."

Behavior contracts are one of the simplest but most overlooked techniques available to help parents through the difficult preteen and teenage years. When used properly, written contracts can be incredibly successful in preventing or stopping unwanted behavior.

Behavior contracts work because all children want and need structure in their lives. Written agreements will bring a calming effect to them because they know the rules and their consequences and find that very reassuring. In addition, written contracts will reduce the number of disagreements between parents and their kids because the rules were previously discussed and agreed upon in advance.

Out-of-Control 14-Year-Old

Hi Mark

I need help...

My son is 14 and I am finding it extremely difficult to live with him...a lot of the time he is disrespectful and rude, he has told me in the past that he can do what he wants and a lot of the time he does...When he is getting something or things are going his way he is nice as pie but if not... who knows??? We do have some good times, but it feels like most of the time there are problems...When he was on a curfew he was home a lot in the evenings we enjoyed cooking together and sometimes he helps around the house especially if he wants money.

He has stolen money from me, stolen bottles of alcohol, he has been taken to the hospital twice for being inebriated. He has been out for days an end without letting me know where he is...He even stole my car one night... One time along time ago he pulled a knife on me, he has smashed in our front door...he has scratched graffiti into lots of doors windows, etc... around our apartment. He has torn up photos of my husband and I and personal photos of my husbands.... and it goes on and on...

Is it wrong to ask him to leave home at 14? Part of me wishes he would go to live somewhere else and then I feel sorry for him as I am all is has... sometimes I want to run away from home....He has been to the refuge a couple of times.

It is Sunday night and he has just come home for the first time since Friday morning. I reported him missing to the police & the Department of Community Services on Saturday morning. I have taken his new shoes away and there will be no TV, Telephone or Computer for 3 days...

I find it difficult to know what to do re: discipline as I would like to say no money for 3 days but then what does he eat for lunch? And how does he get to school? I recently bought him a bike and he has been riding it to school, is it appropriate to take this off him as well during this grounding?

Only 10 days ago he was out late in the night against my wishes …he was followed and sexually assaulted by a man...we reported this incident to the police, etc...This doesn't seem to have affected him as far as going out is concerned.

In the last year he has had over 100 incidents with the police. He is currently on a suspended sentence and probation for some recent charges of malicious damage and breaking into a car, etc....As I am sure you can imagine it causes a lot of tension in the home, my husband who is not his father he gets angry with me because he thinks I am too soft...My son tells me he doesn't want my husband to have anything to do with him, he says he is not his family...they have had problems with aggression and fighting in the past...I want peace and harmony in our home...

An example that happened this evening is my son arrived home as I mentioned earlier I asked him to come into the kitchen to talk to me he said no you come here...I asked him again he said the same thing...My husband got angry with me because he said I need to pull my son into line. I understand were my husband is coming from but when he gets angry with me it just causes more friction and it's too much...

My son's relationship with his biological father is fraught and conflictual. We don't have any other family in the same state...

Please help...

S.

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Hi S.,

Your husband is clearly sending you the proper message. I’m going to be a bit tough on you here, so please do not get upset with me. To cut to the chase: You’ve obviously spoiled your son rotten – and now you’re paying the price. But it’s not too late.

Please go through the Online Version of the eBook – and listen to ALL the audio (if you’ve already gone through it once, then do it again, because the eBook has most of the solutions to the numerous problems you’ve listed in your email). Do session #1 this week (along with session #1 assignments), do session 2 next week, and so on.

Re: your husband’s involvement. I’m going to be tough on him now: You, S., have to be the sole disciplinarian. Your husband needs to (a) stay out of your way and (b) keep his mouth shut. He’s not helping matters - in fact - he’s making a bad problem worse (I’m sure he would agree). If you will toughen up a bit, then he will not feel as frustrated, helpless and angry about the whole situation.

Bottom line: I’m on the same page with your husband here. You must get serious with these strategies or you may end up losing more than your son.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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How Do They Earn Their Way Off Discipline?

I understand what you are saying and I agree with your analysis. This is what we did for many years when E___ was very small. I never felt safe leaving the 2 kids alone. The last few days I have been successful in keeping my 'poker face' although i see that I have to work on being consistent and keeping to the said consequence. Here is a scenario that just played out. My kids say I am being unfair. Could you please give me some feedback and any advice? This afternoon I was taking my kids B___ 11 yo (the intense one) and E___ 7 yo to the grocery store and said we would get an ice cream. As I stopped for gas they got into an argument and started hitting and punching each other. I have recently put into place a consequence of a half hour in their room for any throwing or physical violence. So I said that we would have to go home so they could have their time out. After I finished paying I came back and they were calm and had 'made up' as they called it. (This is where I would usually back down and continue on our way.) I said that was nice but we were still going home which didn't go over well. They both started in on the verbal abuse (mostly B___) telling me how stupid and unreasonable I was, how they wished I was dead etc. I said if the disrespectful talk did not end they would be choosing to loose their privileges for the evening (computer time/movie night, boom box, trampoline and sprinkler). They did not stop so I said they had chosen to loose their privileges. They continued all the way home but I gave them no more consequences. They asked why I was being so strict, and I said things weren't working well before, I had not been consistent. When we got home they started hitting each other again so they got another half hour in their rooms. Should I have ignored that and left it at one half hour? Should I have just ignored the disrespectful talk (at home I could walk away or send Beckie for her time out but in the car I couldn't see how to do that) or just taken away one privilege? 

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