Son Drinks Hand Sanitizer

"Mark, Your online support has been a great help to me. I have just begun the program with my 13 year old son. Unfortunately, he is in ACJC a juvenile center in Fort Wayne. He drank hand sanitizer before school and had a blood alcohol level of 1.1. He has a history of sneaking alcohol and many behavior issues for his entire school career. Counselors and therapists, doctors all disagree or do not know how to help. I am thinking he may need residential treatment, but as a single mom this is not feasible financial. I am not sure what the court is going to recommend at this point. My question is : do you know of a treatment program that might fit his profile? I have spent many hours searching and can't find what might fit him. Most alcohol programs are for adults or older teens. I also know that the there are many underlying issues, but don't know what to tackle first.....depression, anger, social behavior, alcohol. They are all tied together. Thank you for any input!"

I can tell you that the 'alcohol-abuse problem' will have to be addressed first. It would be easier - and a lot less painful in the long run - to go beat your head against a brick wall than tackle multiple problems before getting the alcohol issue resolved.

If you haven't done so already, get him in to see a psychiatrist for a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation. I'm guessing that his father abused drugs and/or alcohol as well. If so, there are special 'addiction-risks' for your son (as evidenced by the bizarre sanitizer episode).

Once he gets a few months of 'clean-and-sober' time under his belt, your son can then begin to work on the other issues. And yes, he may very well need 'in-patient' treatment for awhile, but most facilities will work with you on a sliding scale (i.e., payment commensurate with your income).

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

We have a challenging teen daughter...

Mark,

We have a challenging teen daughter (17) who has been in plenty of trouble. I will spare you the laundry list. One of the issues we have currently been dealing with is alcohol consumption. My husband and I have always had a no tolerance rule on alcohol consumption for anyone under age. After all, it is the law. Our daughter tells us that most of the kids in her class drink socially at parties. She tells us that she's going to drink since it's the culture of kids her age. She also wants to be honest with us by telling us which nights she might be drinking and have us transport her and be accepting of this behavior. There are a few parents at our school who have adopted this parenting style which makes my job a little more challenging.

My gut tells me not to compromise our no tolerance rule. Can there be a middle ground/gray area on this issue or does it need to be black and white?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated Mark.

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Hi D.,

If you lower your standards (via compromise), you will send a very clear message to your daughter that: (a) if you complain long enough you eventually get your way, (b) if everyone is doing it then it must be the thing to do, and (c) it’s o.k. to break the law depending on the situation. Always follow your gut.

Check out the section in the eBook [online version] entitled “Emails From Exasperated Parents” -- I address alcohol abuse there.

Don’t be fooled: There’s more going on at the party than drinking a couple harmless beers. How would I know? I was a teenager once too, you know.

Mark

Online Parent Support

ODD/Bipolar

I have a 16 year old that was diagnosed in K-5 she had ODD/ADHD. And nothing worked for her. Then 2 years ago I found out she has ODD/Bipolar instead of ADHD/ODD. The medicine has not worked for her. Her Dr. told me yesterday there is no medicine for ODD. But he has put her on a lot and nothing so far has helped her. She does not want to be told no you can not do that and she gets real mad at me and demands why. I don't know what else to do to help her. We have to drive to Amarillo for her Dr. She does not want to away from me. Do you know if there is medicine for her Bipolar/ODD that would help her. She is in 11th grade. She wants to go to collage and go into medical field. I could use all the info I can get. Thank you.

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Re: Meds for Bipolar—

The medication used most often over the years to combat a manic "high" is lithium. It is unusual to find mania without a subsequent or preceding period of depression. Lithium evens out mood swings in both directions, so that it is used not just for acute manic attacks or flare-ups of the illness, but also as an ongoing treatment of bipolar disorder.

Lithium will diminish severe manic symptoms in about 5 to 14 days, but it may be anywhere from days to several months until the condition is fully controlled. Antipsychotic medications are sometimes used in the first several days of treatment to control manic symptoms until the lithium begins to take effect. Likewise, antidepressants may be needed in addition to lithium during the depressive phase of bipolar disorder.

Not all patients with symptoms of mania benefit from lithium. Some have been found to respond to another type of medication, the anticonvulsant medications that are usually used to treat epilepsy. Carbamazepine (Tegretol) is the anticonvulsant that has been most widely used. Individuals with bipolar disorder who cycle rapidly, (changing from mania to depression and back again over the course of hours or days, rather than months) seem to respond particularly well to carbamazepine.

In 1995, the anticonvulsant divalproex sodium (Depakote) was approved by the Food and Drug Administration for manic-depressive illness. Clinical trials have shown it to have an effectiveness in controlling manic symptoms equivalent to that of lithium; it is effective in both rapid-cycling and non-rapid-cycling bipolar.

Re: Meds for ODD—

Medication for ODD is not recommended. Rather, Parent Education Training (PET) is the preferred method for dealing with this disorder. And you will get that education in my eBook: My Out-of-Control Teen.

Where's Brian?

Brian Sullivan, 19, of Chili, NY has been missing since July 8. Has anyone seen him!?



Online Parent Support

My Out-of-Control Teen

Mark-

You have given us so much relief by responding to our questions. Thank you very, very much. Your ebook is great, and we can't tell you how much we appreciate your dedication to teaching parents how to deal with difficult kids, like the one we have!

B. & B.

Will your Online Parent Support be of any assistance?

Dear Mark,

I live in Sydney Australia, and I have teenage grandchildren. Currently one granddaughter is causing great concern with her self-destructive behaviour. She is being secretive, meeting 18-year-old boys, [she is 14] lying to her mother, and showing no remorse regarding defiance, loss of personal standards, flaunting house rules, petty theft, and smoking. Will your Online Parent Support be of any assistance? She comes from a family of high achievers, with a strong Christian background, and a strong community commitment. Will your product help my daughter? She is a beautiful girl, who is always done well at school, but has turned into someone with no conscience, or sense of self-preservation. I would appreciate your feedback, & will willingly purchase your product, as this young girl is precious to us, & refuses counselling.

Regards,

H.

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Hi H.,

I have to ask:

· Do you dread what your child will do next?
· Do you often feel like you are failing as a parent?
· Do you feel helpless to correct your child’s behavior?
· Does his/her attitude make you wish YOU could run away from home?

The problems are not going to get better by themselves, and your child is not going to “grow out of it.” If the behavior problems are bothering you now, what will it be like a year from now?

If your child’s defiant behavior is running you ragged and straining your marriage …if you lie in bed at night dreading tomorrow's fighting and screaming …if your home is like a battlefield, then please don’t wait another minute to get started with my program.

The strategies in my eBook are universal, so it doesn’t matter who you are or where you live, this program will work for you.

Mark
Online Parent Support

P.S. As hard as it is to believe, your teenager actually wants to make you happy …wants your love …needs your guidance …and wants you to be proud of him/her. I’m ready to show you how to regain respect and cooperation, but you will be the one who will have to do the work.

The money wasn’t returned so I cut his cell phone...

Hi Mark,

I would like to ask for some advice. This is just the tip of the iceberg but this is my crisis as of now. My son no.2 took his older brother's money. As a consequence I told him to give back the money by the end of the day or I will cut his cell phone. He did not return the money and denied getting it. His friends told my son no.1 that they went to the mall and son no 2 had money. He doesn't have money because he doesn’t have a job yet.

The money wasn’t returned so I cut his cell phone. Since then he is not talking to me and always give me an angry face whenever I talk to him. He even whisper "shut up" which really infuriates me, but I try to control myself from being angry. But I am sure you know how it feels.

He is 18 years old. His friends tell him that he can leave whenever he wants to. He leaves the house and sometimes comes home at 1AM. I get so worried. I talked to him and told him that if he will continue to come home after 10PM, he'd not rather stay in our house.

I love my son and I want to guide him until he finishes school, because I can see that he can’t make good decision, particularly in choosing the right friends. I know that there's no quick fix... my question is what will I do to slowly make him mellow and take that angry look everytime I look at him and start to talk to me in a respectful way.

I want to tell him that if he will be able to pay back his brother and change his ways he can have his phone back. But I am scared that he might do something wrong again to get money some money. Please help. I am a single mother and my sons have no older man model to look up to right now. BTW, it's been 3 weeks since this started.

Thank you in advance. ~ V.

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Hi V.,

You’ve mentioned 2 issues here: anger and theft. Here are few pointers--

1. Apply consequences. Parents should decide what the specific consequences are for stealing, and apply them every time stealing occurs. Parents should inform their children of these consequences before they are used. Consistency is very important.

2. Apply natural consequences. After correcting the behavior, consequences should be applied. Having to do extra chores around the house to earn the money to pay for a stolen item is an example of a natural consequence. Another example is not allowing the child who stole the candy bar to have sweets for a certain period of time.

3. Confront quickly. Just as it's important for parents not to overreact, it is also important that parents don't under-react. When parents find out that their child is stealing, they should confront and deal with the stealing immediately. The longer stealing is allowed to continue uncorrected, the more difficult it is to correct later on.

 

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4. Correct the behavior. Correcting means making some kind of restitution. For example, if a child takes a candy bar from a store, correcting would involve requiring the child to return to the store and return the candy bar (if it isn't half-eaten), or if the candy bar can't be returned, paying for the candy bar.

5. Develop a close, open relationship with children. Parents should make every effort to communicate effectively with their children. Children who are close to their parents are much more likely to take on their beliefs and values than children who don't have a close relationship with their parents.

6. Discuss and explain why stealing is wrong. Parents should make sure that their children know why stealing is wrong. Parents can point out that stealing means taking something that rightfully belongs to someone else.

7. Don't interrogate children or force them to self-incriminate. Parents should not force their children to admit to stealing. Children often lie to protect themselves. If parents aren't pretty sure that their child has stolen something, they probably should not apply consequences. Instead, they should let their child know that they are skeptical, and express hope that their child will be honest with them.

8. Don't shame children for stealing. Parents should try not to make their children feel guilty for stealing. They should also try not to call their children names, for example a thief or a liar. Such tactics can be very damaging to children's self-esteem. Instead, parents should let their children know that they are disappointed in their children's behavior, but this does not mean that they are bad people.

9. Help children find ways of earning their own money. Parents should make sure that their children have some sort of regular income. If children have money of their own to spend as they wish, they will be more likely to buy what they want instead of stealing it. Children can earn money by doing chores around the house, etc.

10. Label the behavior. It is very important that parents call the behavior exactly what it is. For example, parents shouldn't call taking (without permission) what doesn't belong to one's self as "borrowing." Children who are able to understand the concept of ownership should be told that they are "stealing" when they take something that does not belong to them.

11. Model appropriate behavior. Parents should set a good example for their children by asking before they borrow things, by not taking things that don't belong to them, and by being open and honest.

12. Praise and reward honest behavior. Parents should make every attempt to praise their children for being honest. The more parents praise their children's honesty, the more likely they will continue to be honest in the future.

 

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13. Provide adequate supervision. Parents should make sure that they know what their children are up to. Children who are not monitored closely by their parents tend to be more likely to steal and to engage in other problem behaviors.

14. Remain calm. When parents discover that their child has stolen something it is very important that they don't overreact. Parents should keep in mind that all children take things that don't belong to them at one time or another.

15. Teach appropriate ways of getting what one wants. Parents should teach their children how to get what they want without stealing. For example, parents can suggest that children ask for things they want, save up their money to buy the things they want, etc.

16. Teach ownership. While children are very young it is a good idea for parents to begin teaching their children what ownership means. Parents can explain that people have a right to their own property, and that it is wrong to take something that belongs to someone else.

17. Understand why the behavior occurred. Different children steal for different reasons. Because of this, it is important for parents to try to find out why their children steal. Asking a child why he or she has stolen something will probably not give parents the answers they need.

Hope this helps...

Mark

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