Too Much T.V.!?

Mark,

Thanks for your time. I have another questions. What can you do when your son is addicted to t.v. Do I take that privilege away, limit it...? He doesn't do homework or chores becasue he is always glued to the T.V. It's becoming a real problem. It's like the more t.v. he watches, the more problems we are having. Can T.V affect a child's behavior?

J.C.

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Hi J.,

American children watch an average of three to fours hours of television daily. Television can be a powerful influence in developing value systems and shaping behavior. Unfortunately, much of today's television programming is violent. Hundreds of studies of the effects of TV violence on children and teenagers have found that children may:

· become "immune" or numb to the horror of violence
· gradually accept violence as a way to solve problems
· identify with certain characters, victims and/or victimizers
· imitate the violence they observe on television; and

Children with emotional, behavioral, learning or impulse control problems may be more easily influenced by TV violence. The impact of TV violence may be immediately evident in the child's behavior or may surface years later. Young people can even be affected when the family atmosphere shows no tendency toward violence.

Extensive viewing of television violence by children causes greater aggressiveness. Sometimes, watching a single violent program can increase aggressiveness. Children who view shows in which violence is very realistic, frequently repeated or unpunished, are more likely to imitate what they see.

While TV violence is not the only cause of aggressive or violent behavior, it is clearly a significant factor. Parents can protect children from excessive TV violence in the following ways:

·disapprove of the violent episodes in front of the children, stressing the belief that such behavior is not the best way to resolve a problem
·pay attention to the programs their children are watching and watch some with them
·point out that although the actor has not actually been hurt or killed, such violence in real life results in pain or death
·refuse to let the children see shows known to be violent, and change the channel or turn off the TV set when offensive material comes on, with an explanation of what is wrong with the program
·set limits on the amount of time they spend with the television; consider removing the TV set from the child=s bedroom
·to offset peer pressure among friends and classmates, contact other parents and agree to enforce similar rules about the length of time and type of program the children may watch

Parents can also use these measures to prevent harmful effects from television in other areas such as racial or sexual stereotyping. The amount of time children watch TV, regardless of content, should be moderated because it decreases time spent on more beneficial activities such as reading, playing with friends, and developing hobbies.

More tips…

Be conscious of what your teen is watching away from home.

1.Casually ask them what they did at a friend's house and use open-ended questions. This will give you some insight into what they may be watching away from home.
2.Encourage your teen not to watch inappropriate shows away from home.
3.Talk to your teen's friends and their parents about your beliefs on TV viewing.

Cut down the amount of time your teen watches TV - Involve your teen in other activities he enjoys.

1.Designate certain evenings for special family activities, like a family bike ride or a game.
2.Encourage your teen take part in sports, games, hobbies, and music.
3.Put books, magazines, and board games in the family room to provide your teen the opportunity to do something other than watch television.

Want your teen to rethink his TV viewing habits? Go without TV for a week.

1.Be creative in finding alternatives to TV like scavenger hunts around the house.
2.Get the whole family involved and find activities you can do together.

Tips to keeping your teen from watching violence on TV:

1.Be aware of what your teen is seeing on the news. Often the news can include graphic violence and other adult material that may not be suitable for children.
2.Do not allow your teen to watch violence on television. To help monitor his viewing habits when you are gone, consider installing parental controls.
3.Share your beliefs and values when it comes to watching TV, and set a good example.

Tips to Encouraging Your Teen to Watch Less TV:

1.Keep the TV off during family mealtimes.
2.Limit your children's daily and weekend TV viewing time. For instance, no TV before school, during homework, or late at night.
3.Limit your teen's ability to watch shows that contain adult content or violence by using parental controls available on most televisions.

Set a good example for your teen's TV viewing habits. Be a role model.

1.Spend your free time reading, exercising, or interacting with your family.
2.Turn off the TV when a particular show is over.
3.Watch adult programs when your teen is not present.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I am making a presentation to my class on ODD...

Thanks Mark,

I am a student studying Masters in Counselling at Wesley Institute, Sydney, Australia. I am making a presentation to my class on ODD - assessments etc., and my opinions and their downfalls. I also have at least one client that has been labelled ODD so far and find it greatly challenging with him. Your site is great and encouraging to a beginner in this field.

J.W.

MyOutOfControlTeen.com

The last straw...

hi mark,

I am contacting you with the hope that you can maybe put me in the right direction to help my teen. Firstly i need some advice. don't know what to do. He is not conforming at all …he struggles to maintain any education program. There always seems to be a problem with the teacher. lack of organization, motivation. Its always somebody elses fault. He lacks motivation always late has no idea of time. He refuses to take any responsibility for his actions and does not see that he has any problems or how his behaviour affects his family members. He is lazy It is always a battle to get him to clean up after himself to be honest he is utterly disgusting i never thought that anybody can be so nasty and uncaring. his bedroom floor is a dustbin he has constant mood swings. He only seems happy when he is left alone to do what ever he wants. I am completely worried for him and for his future.

He has had brushes with the law and it is the grace of god that he has not ended up in prison. He is only 17. I often felt he had a form of aspergers. He attended a few consultations but the consultant does not want to label him. Also my son does not want to attend any more sessions. He finds it very hard to open up and talk about what is happening inside his head. I have got to a stage where i cannot take any more of his behaviour it has caused so many problems in the household. he thinks completely different and has an answer to everything but never straight answers. the last straw came when i found some cannabis in his room he completely denied any knowledge of it but we know that he does smoke it. He says he was looking after it for a friend, but he could not see that he was disrespecting our family values and home. I think this seems to be a big issue that he does not see the consequences of things or think about other peoples feelings. Does not sleep much always restless at nighttime will often spend up to 3 to 4 hours on the phone.

Sorry to have to write you a negative letter. But I need help to try and help this teen to be a good person in society and to get some kind of education. I am probably one of many that has said I have tried everything!!!!! He is very talented in music and sport but he cant even be bothered to get him self ready or turn up on time.


help !!!

B.

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Hi B.,

You’ve mentioned quite a few problems here:

· poor academic performance
· time management difficulties
· lacks motivation
· mood swings
· brushes w/law
· possible cannabis abuse
· sleep problems

Not that this will be any consolation to you, but you just described all the other teens I work with.

Going on what you’ve told me, his behavior doesn’t seem to be reminiscent of Aspergers, rather ADHD.

Please review THIS PAGE re: poor academic performance and drug abuse. Also, I think the power point presentation FOUND HERE will be of some benefit.

In addition, CLICK HERE for a complete rundown on ADHD symptoms and treatment.

I trust that the above will shed some light on things,

Mark

Things are running more smoothly...

Hi Mark,

It has been a couple of months since I have emailed you. I went back over the e-book and got some clarification. I must admit, though, I feel some things are still not presented clearly. However, in genera, things are running more smoothly. The kids have more jobs to do (nothing for free) and don't complain when I ask them to help out (well, most of the time!). They actually offer to help more now, which I find amazing. For the most part, we have pleasant dinners and car rides now. A couple of weeks ago the kids got a 3 day grounding for a major fight in the car. It took 7 days to work through it, but finally they managed to spend 3 days being pleasant to each other and everyone else. It was the most peaceful, consecutive 3 days we have ever had with our kids! Truly wonderful!

However, my daughter B___ (11) is complaining that we are being grossly unfair when her 3 day groundings start over, so I would like to run this by you. Maybe we are being too harsh. This is the latest scenario. 5 days ago B___ was angry at me regarding something I was going to do with her brother (7 yo) and came into his room while I was there and gave him a full force kick and punch. I sent her to her room to calm down and told her that she was grounded for 3 days. (If the kids just get into a little physical fight they only get 1 day. But this was an unprovoked and brutal attack, I felt). She felt this was grossly unfair, screamed/yelled, clawed/scratched her neck, choked herself, threw something at me etc. I stayed calm, she eventually calmed down but accused me of not caring about her because I let her hurt herself. We didn't give her very much sympathy, just said it must really hurt.

(To get off grounding for physical violence my kids have to 1. get their jobs done on time; 2. no physical/verbal violence to each other; 3. no physical/verbal violence or disrespectful talk to parents and 4. do what they are told. Any infringement is cause for restarting the 3 day grounding. For 2 and 3, I do not give warnings, the grounding just starts over. )

For the past 5 days they have had some small fights which have resulted in Eric getting a couple of one day groundings and B___ having to restart her 3 day grounding. Tonight she had one day left of the 3. Eric was playing on the floor. She walked over and picked up a piece of what he was playing with; he told her to put it back, she did nothing, he started yelling at her and tried to grab it; she still said/did nothing but did not give it to him. He finally started punching her. He got a one day grounding and she started her 3 days over. (I did not give them a warning to stop) B___ said she was doing 'nothing'. They were sent to their rooms to cool off for a few minutes until supper time. 15 minutes later I went to get B for supper, and she told me that to restart her 3 days was very unfair. She said she did nothing wrong. I told her that I understood that she felt that way, but that I disagreed. I asked her if she could think of something that she could have done differently to prevent the blow up. She couldn't. I said that it was a matter of timing. She could have chosen to give the toy back right when Eric first asked for it. I agreed that he did overreact. I said, calmly, that that was the way the rule worked. B___ got very upset, started yelling, pulling her hair out and scratching at her neck. I said I was going to eat and she could come up later and eat after we were done. She accused me of not caring b/c I was leaving her when she was hurt.

I am concerned about this self-mutilation she has started to do. She often threatens to cut herself with scissors but has not. But to be honest, I am wondering if I am being too hard with this grounding. I would appreciate it if you could tell me if any part of the above is unreasonable or unfair, or if I should handle it a different way.

Thanks,

L.

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Hi L.,

Re: things are not presented clearly.

If parents read the entire eBook and listen to all the audio files, the strategies are usually fairly clear. If you haven't viewed all the power points and listened to all the audio, you may benefit from doing so.

Please read this page re: cutting ==> click here.

Re: 3-day-discipline. I think these emails from parents with similar questions will help clarify:

How Do They Earn Their Way Off Discipline?

How do you eat an elephant?

I hope this helps. Stay in touch.

Mark

I feel like we're leading a secret life...

Hi Mark,

My husband and I have been reading your info online and find it very helpful and educational.

Our son, has been out of school for 2 weeks. We kept him home for one week before he was hospitalized. He was in a depression and had hit his low. This week he checked in to a very nice facility in Pasadena and has been out. He has a teacher, nurse, doctors, support groups etc.

My problem is talking to people to ask where he is or the attendance office at school. My husband and I usually say, "He was under some stress and needed some time off." Last night my husband and I went to our first session with him with his psychologist (Who he likes and listens to). It was a tough but good session.

Tonight is back to school night. My husband will stay home with our 9 year old and I will go and meet his teachers whom we have been in contact with. He is a bright student in the honors program. They move very fast in class. He is a Junior. I have asked for another homework packet for the week for our son to work on while he is not at school. What do I say tonight at the "Back to School Night"?

I did send a letter to his teachers saying: upon his return to school if the teachers would ease him into the schoolwork, so as not to stress or overwhelm him. His water polo coach is the one we will have the most trouble with. We have left 2 messages for him and he has not returned either one. He is going to ride our son upon his return.

They are trying our son on Depacote 250mg. twice a day. With this we need him to exercise. Our son is very good water polo player and need to return for exercise so as not to have a weight gain. He can tend to get a little overweight w/o exercise.
I feel like we're leading a secret life in what to tell people and not to be too honest, for they will judge him or label him later.

AAAhhhhhhhh.....

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

D. and C.

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This is easier said than done, but don’t try to cover-up anything. I’m concerned that will create more problems than it prevents. And do NOT attempt to get teachers to pamper your son. This too may cause more problems than it solves.

Are you taking on too much responsibility for your son, and are you trying to save him from uncomfortable emotions? If so, this goes against the grain of the parenting program you are currently working.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Dealing with Violent Behavior in Kids & Teens

"My son sucker punched me. I'm not violent, and to say the least, it really surprised and hurt me (emotionally, he didn't hit hard enough to hurt) ...he is 13." 

 

==> Click here for help with violent behavior in your child...

Now we find ourselves in another prediciment...

Mark, I am not sure if you remember me but my name is D___ and my husband and I build Target Stores across the country and currently we are building one in Michigan. I talked to you last year about my then 15 year old step-daughter who had called CPS on us, NUMEROUS TIMES, and you were beyond helpful. We did get and read your wonderful E-book. Did we DO it??? Well, we tried to, meant to, wanted to... but no we did not. Now we find ourselves in another prediciment with L__ and I am literally ready to pack my bags and walk out of here and I need some back-up desperately.

I do not want to leave but I need my husband on-board here and helping with L__, who is now 16. Due to his lack of involvement over the past 9 HORRID years of marriage and MY raising L__ alone, he does not get it! I am very strict! DO I think too strict? No. L__ is out to kill us, at least me, mentally. She does the most subversive things and I cannot believe he does not see it! He then will see her fake tears, that FLOW ALL THE TIME, and he then shows some sign of "poor thing" and I swear I want to SCREAM! And Do!

L__ is horrible, uncontrollable, I cannot do my job because she cannot be trusted anywhere in the house! So my job suffers and his flourishes! I protect him from her like I am the posterchild for co-dependency and then hate myself. It appears to be a no-win. Maybe it is. She does not care about anyone but her! Period. My other children...She could care less!

Last night she walked to Burger King and decided to stop at a creek and sit in the middle of it and take glass and barely carve her wrist (ex nursing background) and then comes back home, wet, crying and saying "I did something really bad". Hell, I thought she stole something, AGAIN. I was working at my home office but she proceed to throw a "attention-cide" fit like the ones we have seen MANY times before. When we asked her why, she says "because she cannot take her consquences".

Her wrist was nothing. I have scratched myself on worse while walking the dogs! It was the WHOLE earlier part of the day where she had decided she must have some mental dis-order because she cannot do what is right and demanded to go a shrink. When we said we had NO mental health coverage and that she had tapped us out last time, she was furious! Also, C___ and I know her pattern. She was playing us with her wrist (and admitted it later) to "get" to a shrink" to get her FIX of plundering US!

Now here we are! Today. Ruined! Another day of MY work lost! I am losing it! Please, what can we do? We would gladly pay for your time on a phone call if possible. Anyhow... I am sorry to write and unload. I have just had it. Take Care, D.

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Hi D.,

Yes, I remember you well.

I think you'll have to detach emotionally. It seems to me that you are (a) taking on too much responsibility, (b) taking your daughter's behavior too personally, and (c) taking life too seriously [the life of a co-dependent].

I would suggest that you get busy taking care of YOU, and put other people's problems in God's hands. The less responsibility you take for others, the more responsibility they will take for themselves. The more you can lighten-up, the more others will lighten-up.

Co-dependence is a condition of lost self-hood. It is defined as any suffering that is associated with, or results from, focusing on the needs and behavior of others. It can mimic, be associated with, aggravate, and even lead to many of the physical, mental, emotional or spiritual conditions that befall us in daily life.

We become co-dependent when we turn our responsibility for our life and happiness over to other people. Co-dependents become so pre-occupied with others that they neglect their true self - who they really are.

When we focus so much outside of ourselves, we lose touch with what is inside of us: our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, experiences, wants, needs, sensations, intuitions, unconscious experiences, and even indicators of our physical functioning, such as heart rate and respiratory rate.

Co-dependence is the most common of all addictions: the addiction to looking elsewhere. We believe that something outside of ourselves - that is, outside of our true self - can give us happiness and fulfillment. The "elsewhere" may be people, places, things, behaviors, or experiences. Whatever it is, we may neglect our own selves for it.

Self-neglect alone is no fun, so we must get a payoff of some sort from focusing outward. The payoff is usually a reduction in painful feelings or a temporary increase in joyful feelings. This feeling or mood alteration is predicated principally upon something or someone else, and not on our own authentic desires and requirements.

One of our reasons for ‘being’ is to get to know ourselves in a deeper, richer, and more profound way. We can do that only if we are truly in relationship with ourselves.

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents