Problems with 11-year-old son...

Hello Mark

I'm having a lot of problems with my 11-year-old son A___. Not so much at home but at school. We find that he is unable to take it when he is in trouble and it is always someone else who started the fight. A___'s biggest problem is, he doesn’t know when to keep quite, and he is disrespectful to all the teachers, lazy both at home and at school. He does come from a broken family but has a great stepfather whom he gets on great with. A___ will be attending High School next year and this scares me because I think if he doesn’t get control of his problem he will be worst when it comes to High School. So I suppose I’m asking if we fit the part for the need of other source of help. As we have tried all that we know as parents and we want to make A___’s live better more so then worse.

Regards,

R.

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Hi R.,

Well, first of all, I’m glad you have the eBook. Most of what you’ll need will be in there. If you haven’t done so already - and if you want to go the extra mile – have a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation done on your son to test for ADHD, ODD, etc. If you begin to have a lot of trouble out of him in high school, you may want to consider an alternative school setting. My juvenile clients do very well in alternative school because the classroom is smaller/less noisy, they get a lot of one-on-one attention, and they work mostly of the computer when doing lessons.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

16-year-old dates 19-year-old...

Hi Mark-

My problem is my 16 yr. old son. A few weeks before his birthday, he ran away with a 19 yr. old girl. He was gone for 2 months. he is at Sycamore place right now, picked up for minor consumption as well as being a runaway. He insists that he is going to be with this 19 yr. old, regardless of what I say, do or think. He goes to court on Nov. 13th. My husband (has raised him since he was 2) says my son is not going to come back home. I don't know what I can or should do. Any suggestions?

Thanks for any help,

S.

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Is your husband saying 'he doesn't believe your son will come back home' or is he saying 'he insists that your son live elsewhere'. If it's the later, you don't have a choice. If you are the legal guardian, you have to take him back.

You will NOT be able to keep your son from seeing his g-friend. The only way that is going to happen is if he's locked up - which can't last forever. Fortunately, you have some support from probation. You can go to them and file other charges in the event he returns home and starts violating house rules again. At this point, I would let probation take the lead.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Two ADHD kids...

Dear Mark,
I am a mother of two ADHD kids, 14 and 9. There are a lot of different conflicts that we have to deal with of course, but the main problem we have is with the nine year old who we are on the point of deciding to have examined to see if something else (ODD, CD) that might be the problem, or just that we are not being consequent enough with our parenting strategy.
I have seen your pages in the internet and like the sound of the commonsense advice, but since my husband has been unemployed for the last two years, we are really tight on money and I am reluctant to invest on something that I am unsure of. There are so many parenting tips and tricks and in the end no one is sure of anything anymore. If you think that your book would help up, I would be grateful for a return e-mail with some information how I can pay for the Your On-Line Parent Support and book, I have no credit cards.
My youngest son has ADHD with hyperactivity. He has been the black sheep of the village we live in for the last five years. There has always been trouble with him whenever he is in a social situation, i.e., bullying, hitting, smart mouth etc. In Kindergarten, the situation was under control, however, in the first grade he was unfortunate enough to get a teacher who doesn’t understand the symptoms and doesn’t know how to deal with ADHD kids and in the end L was banned to the cellar for most of the time he spent in school in the first half of the year. Because I already had experience with this teacher, (she pulled a few really fast ones on my older son in the third grade, i.e., wrong books to do homework, or homework incorrectly corrected) I was able, with the help of our Psychologist and Family Doctor to push the school into transferring him to another class after the X-mas break and things improved immediately. He was able to stay with this new teacher for the second grade also, and although there were always problems on the playground, in class everything was fine and he made marked improvement.
L has been playing hockey since is 4 years old. His older brother is also an ice hockey player (in the team for 7 years) and L grew up next to the ice rink. He is the real talent in the family and has been playing 1 to 2 levels above due to this talent. However, this fall, L moved to the third grade, new school building, new teacher, and new kids on the playground and to top it all off, a new head trainer. This is all too much for an ADHD kid to deal with and despite the Concerta) 36mg. + 5 mg. Ritalin in the morning, we are having a phase where I freak when I hear the phone ring because I know that it’s either the teacher or one of the mothers calling to tell me that they had problems with L again. Since the beginning of the hockey season, he has been suspended from training for one week and was not allowed to play any matches for two weeks. Then things settled down until one day we had a match where he checked a kid, and the trainer from the opposing team grabbed him, pretty roughly on the arm, and yelled at him. Three weeks later, we had a match against this team again, and L flipped this trainer the bird right in the middle of the match. Now he is suspended, indefinitely. No training, no matches. This was his life, he thought of nothing but hockey and now he can’t play. And now he’s driving us nuts at home and at school.
His major problems are: he can’t lose, at anything, football, hockey, card game etc. He flips out or “blocks” and then no one can touch him or talk to him. This makes things hard for the trainers who are coaching the matches and have 12 other players to worry about needless to say the teacher. When he is in this state, he refuses to listen to anyone, including me, until I give him a homeopathic medicine, after about 10 minutes, he is back to “normal”. This blocking can happen in the school and then I receive the phone call that I have to come and get him. Mostly happens when he thinks he is being treated unfairly, by fellow students or the teacher. At other times, he will swear at other kids, throw stones, or hit or push them when things don’t go his way.
He gets frustrated easily, allows himself to be provoked at the slightest, he always has to have his way, will yell, scream and even lie to get his way. He will steal when he sees something that he wants from his brother or other students in his class. This week he stole another kid’s homework and wrote his own name on it and when he was caught he lied and said that the other kid’s handwriting is the same as his and he couldn’t tell the difference. Then he stated that the other kid needs to change his handwriting. This morning he ruined my two best, newest, most expensive knives, and lied about it. In the end the story came out that he was playing with them as swords (I don’t believe it) and that’s how it happened. (It’s Sunday and he was up and about before the rest of the family, this is normal for him.) I imagine he thought he was going to get into big trouble and that’s why he lied, but the lying was worse than what he did, in my eyes.
I don’t have one piece of furniture or a wall in the house that isn’t marked up, scratched or gouged. And I have a lot of problems with the older son, who is also ADHD, because I have to spend so much energy dealing with the problems from the little one. My husband is on the point of breakdown, and wants to send him away; because he can’t deal with it (he doesn’t know the half of it, because I don’t always tell him everything). My husband is the type of person who thinks if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist (i.e. ADHD) and grew up with an authoritarian father so that’s how he would like to raise our kids. Despite talks with the doctor and the therapist, he doesn’t really understand ADHD and is always looking for a reason, or someone to blame it on, like myself, or my parenting etc.
My childhood wasn’t exactly rosy either, but my strategy is more like I wouldn’t want to do to the kids what my parents did to me. I am not exactly lenient but don’t want to hit the kids (this has happened, to my shame, in a backlash when the nerves are overstretched) but punishment in the form of chores or house arrest, no TV or Playstation are the only things I can think of. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
I am constantly using my energy to think up new strategies or surfing the internet to find tips and tricks. As I said, the insurance doesn’t cover all the therapy possibilities (we are thinking about Neurofeedback) and so I have to find something that doesn’t cost money. The whole family is suffering under these circumstances and my marriage in really on the rocks because I don’t have any energy left over for anything, not even myself.
Please write back and tell me what you think. I hope you have a good suggestion. I live in Switzerland so you can’t really help from that distance, but any leads would be a great help. I tried to send you this mail over your link, but somehow the link got broken and I don’t think you received this. If you did, then sorry for the duplication.
Thanks for listening.
Regards,
J.
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Hi J.,

==> HERE ON THIS PAGE, I stated that I guarantee this eBook will be a big help to you. In the unlikely event that it’s not, just email me and I’ll give an immediate a prompt refund – you’ve got nothing to lose. We don’t scam people here at Online Parent Support. We wouldn’t be in business very long if we did (we’ve been online since March of 2004).

The parents I work with have tried very hard to address their child’s emotional and behavioral problems on their own, but with little or no success. And it seems the harder they try, the worse it gets.

Every Monday night at Madison Superior Court [Div. 2], I meet with a group of parents who are at a loss on what to do or how to help. We meet for 1 hour each session for 4 Mondays.

During our brief time together, I show the parent how to use some highly effective “unconventional” parenting strategies to use with their out-of-control, “unconventional” child.

I follow up with these parents weeks and months after they complete the program to track their success, and 80% - 90% of them report back to me that problems in the home have reduced in frequency and severity, and that the parent-child conflict is finally manageable.

Now I want to show YOU what I show them. I want to teach YOU how to approach your child -- in spite of all the emotional and behavioral problems.

There is no need for you to continue living as a frustrated, stressed-out parent. I will help you resolve most of the behavioral problems, but I can’t do it for you!

If you will read my eBook, listen to my talks, view my videos and power point presentations, and email me with specific questions as you go along – you WILL get the problems turned around, and you WILL experience the same success that thousands of other parents are now enjoying.

After years of dealing with strong-willed, defiant children, many parents feel so defeated that they believe nothing and nobody will be able to help them – they think it’s simply “too late.” But I promise you – it is NOT too late!!

If you’re tired of disrespect, dishonesty, arguments, hot tempers, etc., and if things are steadily getting worse as time goes by, then you may want to get started with these parenting strategies without any more delay.

I'm not a “miracle worker,” but you don't need a miracle to get your kid on a good track behaviorally and emotionally -- you just need the right combination of parenting strategies to use with out-of-control kids.

Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent SupportEmail: mbhutten@gmail.com

==> CLICK HERE to join Online Parent Support.

==> CLICK HERE if you don't have a credit card.

Mom is on-track...

It's been a while since I last e-mailed you. M______ has been to court. They dropped the DV charge but kept the incorrigible which is in his best interest if he decides to follow the rules since they can be dropped when he turns of age. He did get 6 mos of probation and must still meet with his counselor. It seems that things at home have been better since he has motivation over the use of a car. We made him sign a driving contract and when he messes up, we just pull it out and their is no argument (well he tries but it is fruitless). He has been checking in when he is supposed to also. Mind you, this is MOST of the time. He still "forgets" and has consequences. Husband has come around to a degree. What is working for us (again still some arguments over your program and we had to compromise somewhat but like you preach, 2 parents in agreement are better than 2 divided) is that Dad still blows up when something goes wrong, but we hold out on consequence until he is calm and rational. M______ is told that we will decide consequence when Dad and I have a chance to calmly discuss it. We also are saying something like "I may not totally agree with XYZ, but it is Dad's decision and I am supporting him on it." 

==> Read full question and my response...

Sleepy Son

Mark-
My 13-year-old son seems tired all the time. He doesn’t sleep well at night for one thing. Any suggestions?
T.Y.
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Hi T.,

If you have a tired teen, have them read about teens and sleep on a page just for teens.

Print out Awake at the Wheel-it's an interactive brochure for teens-and discuss it with them.

Take a look at these pointers for parents on teens and sleep from the National Sleep Foundation.

The National Sleep Foundation Teens and Sleep homepage has many more great resources.

Here are some "Do’s and Don’ts":
DO:

Keep to a regular daily routine—the same waking time, meal times, etc.

Make sure your kids have interesting and varied activities during the day, including physical activity and fresh air.

Use a simple, regular bedtime routine. It should not last too long and should take place primarily in the room where the child will sleep. It may include a few simple, quiet activities, such as a light snack, shower, saying goodnight, etc. The kinds of activities in the routine will depend on the child’s age.

Use light to your advantage. Keep lights dim in the evening as bedtime approaches. In the morning, get your child into bright light, and, if possible, take them outside. Light helps signal the brain into the right sleep-wake cycle.

DON’T:

Don’t fill up your child’s room with video games, computers, toys, etc. It’s probably best to keep your child’s bedroom a place to sleep, rather than a place to play.

Don’t give your child foods and drinks with caffeine in them, like hot chocolate, tea, cola, chocolate, etc. Even caffeine earlier in the day could disrupt your child’s sleep cycle.

Don't let your child watch more than one to two hours of TV during the day, and don't let them watch TV at bedtime at all. TV viewing at bedtime has been linked to poor sleep.

If your child has a TV set in their bedroom, remove it. Research shows watching TV is linked to sleep problems, especially if the TV set is in the child’s bedroom. The presence of other media, such as a computer, video games or Internet in a kid’s bedroom is also associated with worse sleep.

Never use sending your child to bed as a threat. Bedtime needs to be a secure, loving time, not a punishment. Your goal is to teach your kids that bedtime is enjoyable, just as it is for us adults. If the feeling around bedtime is a good feeling, your child will fall asleep easier.

Mark

Online Parent Support

We are on the right track finally...

Mark,

The situation with my daughter became critical Sunday/Monday, so instead of waiting for the CD's to listen to in the car, I took the day off and read up to the first assignment in the e-book. I listened to all the audio too... I read it a few times.
I realized that the problem is from my being an uninvolved parent. I did all the assignments the first night (except make a contract) and lo and behold, about 4 hours after telling her I had made mistakes as a parent, she came downstairs and announced she was ready to talk and spilled her guts about stuff she has been lying to me about for quite awhile. No hostility (she had been physically aggressive with me just that morning.)

I feel like we are on the right track finally. Thank you. Your info is pretty commonsense (should be, anyway), but I was handling it all in the opposite way (getting mad at her, withdrawing further, etc.)

THANK YOU.

D.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Puppy Love Problems

Dear Mark,

Having read this very interesting info from your website, I am truly interested in attending the OPS you offer, although I’m wondering if you think it will help me in my situation with my 16 year old son D___, he has just started going out with an 18 year old girl he met at work as he works part time, we have had a lot of attitude and behavior problems over the last 6 months or so with him just taking off when things don't always go his way and not coming home. Now he's wanting to have this girl sleep over in his room in his bed and I totally don't agree with it and have made it very clear, he swears at me all the time, takes off to her house for days at a time without my permission, only coming home of a morning, then goes straight to his room to sleep half the day, hasn't been going to school hardly at all since he has been seeing her, and said I am ruining his life and he won't have anything to do with us and will keep doing what he's doing until I let him do what he wants to do, and this girls mother sees no harm and lets them sleep in the girls room together, as I see it as not the right thing to do as he has only just turned 16 last month and has only been seeing this girl for about 2 weeks, since then he has only slept at home for 3 nights during that whole period, two of those nights he has brought her to my home and had her sleep in his room totally against my rules and judgment, and he has warned me that if that's what he wants to do he will do so no matter what I think, using profane language at me, could you please give me some advice on whether I am doing the right thing by trying to make him see my rules must matter in our home and if this programme can help me at all.

Kindest Regards,

M.P.

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Hi M.,

I believe you’re doing the right thing by not condoning their sleeping together – it’s all a bit weird, don’t you think? I mean how many other 16-year-old males are sleeping with 18-year-old females – in the female’s home! His girlfriend’s mother seems to be a very poor role model.

You will profit from the strategies discussed in my eBook. In the unlikely event that you find nothing of benefit, just email me and ask for a refund. I don’t want you paying for something that doesn’t live up to its claims.

Mark @ www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

mbhutten@gmail.com

mbhutten@yahoo.com