Online Parent Support

Greetings Mark-

I am a social worker who delivers programs for parents and teens in conflict within their family. I am interested in your book, however, I would like to know if it would be applicable in a group setting. I work with the parents in one group and female teens in another group. I would like to know whether you have assessment/ evaluation tools for each person in the family. Each person does a personal evaluation at the beginning of the program and again at the end. I am looking for a comprehensive, easily understood tool. I thank you for considering my request and look forward to hearing back from you.

Barbara Thomas
Family Enhancement Program

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Hi Barbara,

Yes. It is applicable to a group setting. That's how I use it every week. My group is called the Parent Support Group. The online version, Online Parent Support (OPS), is the online version of the program.

Re: assessment tool. I only do a post-assessment and would be glad to offer that should you decide to use OPS for your groups.

Mark

Online Parent Support

He pee'd in the tub...

Mr. Hutten,

We purchased your online e-book/course. Initially, my husband and I were concerned that our son, R, who is twelve, did not fit the "profile" of an out-of-control teen. We were motivated to seek outside help and guidance due to the negative attitude we felt we were experiencing with R. This was primarily a talking back issue where R would continually "talk back" to us, mutter under his breath, and be purposely disagreeable. Additionally we saw problems of him thinking that he was smarter then everyone else, not doing schoolwork because he thought it was dumb, then lying to us when confronted by the bad grades.

We've started to review your material, but aren't sure how to incorporate it into our family dynamic.

We are writing this email because a recent incident has led us to believe that he is in jeopardy of becoming an "out-of-control teen." It's a very bizarre incident where R, while having a guest over to play the online game Halo, went into the bathroom we are currently renovating and urinated in the brand new tub. He did not wash it away and my husband discovered it while working in the bathroom. We called both boys out to the hall and asked "who did it?" Both boys denied it and we continued the dialogue with general comments of how inappropriate it was, etc... Later, after R's guest left, I asked him directly if it was him, he denied it, but after several minutes of listening to me, confessed that it was him that pee'd in the tub.

Our initial thinking is that he was just being totally lazy and did not want to miss a second of video game playing time, but we are incredibly disgusted, as well as extremely concerned. Where do we go from here? We don't think this is simply a boy being a boy kind of thing. We are concerned that this is part of the bigger picture of arrogance towards other people who he thinks couldn't possibly be smart enough to catch him.

We have determined that he will have a daily "hard labor" type chore around our house for the next five days, but on a larger scale what are we dealing with? In the past we have tried loss of all electronic games, loss of TV, loss of play dates, requirement to wear a uniform, (nice clothes), to school, all with little or no long term improvement.

Please email back with any suggestions.

Regards,

A. & J.

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Hi A. & J.,

Re: Backtalk—

With a little understanding and self-restraint, parents can put a lid on talking back. The reasons for back talk are as varied as the personalities of the children who use it. The child could be hungry, tired, or in a transitional period. But children who talk back usually do have one thing in common: They're trying to separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives.

Parents need to do some behavior tracking: For three days, make notes about what your child says, what the situation was, and how you responded. See if you notice any patterns. And keep in mind that when kids talk back, something else is going on underneath. The goal is to help them express it constructively.

You won't ever be able to avoid disagreements with your kids, but you can learn how to fight fair:

· Define what the problem is

· Define how to rectify it

· Don't attack

· Don't belittle

· Don't condemn

· Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future

12-year-olds often put parents on the defensive. Say your son borrowed a ring that had sentimental value and then lost it. You might blurt out, "How could you be so irresponsible!" Look out -- he'll most likely turn that response around on you: "Oh and you've never lost anything before? Excuse me for not being perfect!" Instead of attacking, try talking in concrete terms: "You did this, so I feel this." Use the restraint and respect you'd show a guest in your home. The goal is for you to express your feelings in a way that allows your child to take responsibility for them.

Re: Not doing schoolwork/bad grades—

Please refer to the section of the eBook [Online Version] entitled “Emails From Exasperated Parents.” Poor academic performance is addressed there.

Re: Lying—

One of the perpetual problems that many parents face is lying by their children. Parents will often personalize this problem and view it as a sign that their children lack respect for them. Parents may also believe that their parental authority is being undermined when their children distort the truth.

It is important that parents recognize that all behavior is purposeful, even the habit of lying. Some lying is a common feature of the human experience. Rather than focus on the specific lies told by their children and the implications of those lies, parents would be well-served in trying to understand the purposes underlying their children's need to distort the truth.

When parents confront their children about their pattern of lying, they may inadvertently make the problem worse. Parents may unintentionally promote a power-struggle and cause their children to actually become more deceptive about their behavior.

I believe that parents need to rethink their perspective for dealing with their children when they lie. I recommend that parents never use the word lying in front of their kids. Use of the word lie sets up an adversarial dynamic. It is preferable to use phrases such as "you need to be more up-front with me" or "you need to be honest with me". This relaxes the encounter and makes it more likely that you will get to the bottom of the situation.

Often children will lie if they feel intimidated or feel excessive pressure from a parent. For example, a child may be afraid of harsh, punitive treatment as a consequence for poor grades. Talking with your child on an on-going basis about the nature and quality of his work, rather than focusing on assessment is helpful in promoting more truthfulness.

Adolescence may be the most difficult developmental period for dealing with lying. Children, during the teen years, are looking for ways to separate from their parents through experimentation, concealing information, and acting guarded around their parents. Try to keep the lines of communications open. Set appropriate boundaries and limits. Monitor your children closely for substance abuse, and other acting-out behaviors. Never accept excuses for inappropriate behavior. Set logical consequences and stick to them. By setting these parameters, parents can reduce the opportunity for their teenagers to engage in lying.

Some guidelines for parents to cope with children who conceal the truth are:

· All behavior is purposeful, even lying. Lying is not always intentional deceit and may be aimed at getting attention from parents or manipulating a situation.

· All children will lie on occasion. It is inevitable. Remember your childhood?

· As a parent, role-model honest communications and behavior demonstrating integrity with your children. Children may pick up on inconsistencies in parenting and use those patterns as a reason to be untruthful and manipulative.

· Children may be embarrassed or sensitive about telling the truth. Acknowledge those feelings with them, but insist on knowing the truth.

· Monitor your children's behavior (without over-involvement) to see if you notice any red-flags.

· Never make the issue of deception the main focal point of your conversations. Lying is always a byproduct of other more meaningful areas of exploration with your children.

· Never set-up your child by being aware of a lie and then asking him for the truth without discussing that you have information. Acknowledge up-front that you know what's going on.

· Reframe the word lying. Use terminology that means the same, but softens the conflict.

· Stay out of power-struggles with teens over deception. If you know they are being untruthful, merely acknowledge it and set reasonable, logical consequences.

· When children tell the truth, reinforce their positive behavior.

Remember that lying is purposeful behavior that can be minimized with healthy involvement with your children, appropriate monitoring, sensitivity and understanding, and role-modeling of honest, open, and emotionally expressive communications.

Re: Where do we go from here?—

Your son urinated in the tub for one simple reason: He didn’t think he would get caught.

Simply state the house rule and the consequence for violating the rule (e.g., “No urinating anywhere other than in the toilet …if you choose to urinate somewhere other than in the toilet, you’ll choose the consequence, which will be grounding for 3 days with no privileges”). Then issue a consequence if he violates the house rule.

Don’t get too paranoid over this problem. I see it as a one-time event. If it becomes a pattern, then we need to talk again in a future email.

Re: In the past we have tried loss of all electronic games, loss of TV, loss of play dates, requirement to wear a uniform, (nice clothes), to school, all with little or no long term improvement—

How long did the “loss” last. 1 - 3 days hopefully.

If you will discipline as outlined in the eBook (i.e., start with the least restrictive consequence first), then you will see some positive behavior changes occur. Most parents have grounded for too long.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Child

He has obviously worked out what I'm doing & is not happy about it....

Hi,

This afternoon I told my 11y/o son that if he went out without my permission he would be grounded for 3 days. His reply was "why 3 days?" "Is it because of the new site you have in your favourites on the computer?" (We share the one computer.) I told him we would talk about it later. How should I deal with this? Is it OK for him to know that I am getting help from you?

He has obviously worked out what I'm doing & is not happy about it. He has asked several times about it whilst throwing daggers at me with his eyes.

How much should I tell him? I have always been as honest as possible with him, without being stupid of course.

I have just started putting week 2 into practice but already I am seeing a huge difference. I don't think I've yelled once in the last 9 days & I feel much more relaxed.

After not turning off the computer this morning when asked, I turned it off for him, I got yelled at (I stayed calm & quiet).

While calming himself down, he closed & locked doors ready for us to leave without being asked. I AM AMAZED.

Regards,

C.

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Hi C.,

Re: This afternoon I told my 11y/o son that if he went out without my permission he would be grounded for 3 days.

Actually you want to start with the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., grounding for one day without one his most favorite things – like the phone and computer). Then if he refuses to accept the least restrictive consequence, you issue the 3-day-discipline: grounding for 3 days with NO privileges.

Re: Is it OK for him to know that I am getting help from you?

It would be best that he not know what you are up to. Otherwise it's like showing him your poker hand in a game of poker.

Re: How much should I tell him?

If you noticed, I outline in each session assignments {Online Version of the eBook} exactly what to tell the child with respect to "giving him/her a heads-up" on what you plan to do.

Keep up the good work,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child

Teens & Tobacco Use

Hi Mark, 

We’ve been using your e-book strategies and they have been extremely helpful. Thank you. What does one do when your child is smoking cigarettes (tobacco)? 

Regards, S.

__________

Hi S.,

Teens seem to be more abrasive when smoking, or they feel like they are older and wiser when they smoke. We now see a lot of teen smokers giving each other rewards in social aspects such as conversations, companionship, and other common social contacts. 

Research has proven the fact that nicotine has the ability to suppress feelings, suppress appetite for food, is used as stimulation after sex, and is a good way to relax from troubles and feelings of insecurities. 

Teens like to act as if they are someone special or dangerous. By smoking, they can act on those feelings. Because it is so forbidden, it becomes more alluring to teens. The problem is that when they take that first puff, they can become addicted. The idea that they are breaking the law or going against their parents and schools is an addiction within itself. 

Kids like to get attention -- it does not matter if it’s good attention or bad attention. They crave attention, and by smoking they get big attention. The other teens look at them in all kinds of ways, and the adults get upset and don’t know what to do.

Bottom line: You will not be able to stop your child from smoking. Pick your battles carefully - and this is not a battle you should fight. In fact, the more you worry about it or lecture your child, the more she/he will smoke! But you can stop her/him from smoking on YOUR property. Here's what you can say to your child:

"I can't keep you from damaging your health by smoking. But it's your health - not mine! However, I don't want you smoking in my house or anywhere on my property. If you choose to smoke on my property, you'll choose the consequence, which is grounding for 3 days without privileges (e.g., use of phone, T.V., computer, etc.)."

If your child smokes on your property, follow through with the consequence. If YOU smoke, keep your cigarettes with you at all times.

The less you worry about it and the less you focus on it, the less appeal smoking will have for your child.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

I have an out of control 16 year old daughter...

"Hi I'm Yvonne and I have an out of control 16 year old daughter. For the past year and a half we have been having issues on a weekly bases with our daughter. I will fill you in quickly on some of the things that we have been dealing with over this time.....

 

==> Click here for full article.

What do you advise when it comes to school? Do we let him fail?

Hi Mark

I need your advice if this is appropriate.

My son is 17 and should be graduating this year. He has skipped 60% of his classes this year and has done no homework so is failing all subjects. He is now scrambling, although again with the smallest amount of effort required and he continues to take short cuts and do the bare minimum to get on the grad list. We have always “nagged” for a lack of better terms for him to do his homework and of course, he did the opposite.

We are using incentives to get him to go to class (car privileges) and some additional perks for assignments to get done. When he can’t meet the goal, he says we are the worst parents etc… and you know how that goes. I am stupid and an idiot and standing in his way of graduating.

What do you advice when it comes to school? Do we let him fail? He just is not capable of doing this on his own.

One small example: His packsack has been in his friends car for a week. At the same time and he wants a $30 dollar haircut. I said he needs to get this packsack to be able to get a haircut and he makes every excuse as to why he has not yet got it.

Is he rebelling? Why would he do this if there is an incentive? HELP!

We have been working through your program but have not found anything that is related to this where there may be some key messages or examples of what to do in this regard.

Thank-you in advance for any advice you can provide.

S.

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Hi S.,

Actually, I do address this in the eBook. Please go to the page in the online version entitled “Emails From Exasperated Parents” [Session #4] and look for where it reads:

"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.

This will answer your question. If you need further clarification, I’ll be glad to respond.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Thanks Mark

I had not got to this section yet and this does help. Just to confirm though, are we still able to offer incentives and consequences for homework and school or does this negate the objective of leaving them alone. We have two other sons who also are not motivated in school and we want to be able to influence them to do well in this regard. It is Soooo hard not to get involved when you see history begin to repeat itself.

I do not want to fall back into our previous parenting habits as it is clear they were not as successful as we intended them to be.

Thanks so much for any additional adivse you can provide, as appropriate.

S.

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Incentives for getting good grades and punishments for getting bad grades are "traditional" parenting strategies that have little - or no - positive outcome for the unconventional child (i.e., strong-willed, intense child).

I would encourage you to simply follow the recommendation outlined in the page I referenced earlier.

I had a mother in group going through the same thing. When I gave her the recommendation, I could tell that she felt the weight of the world being lifted off her shoulders. She finally had permission to NOT make her son's academic performance HER responsibility.

Oh ...as a side note, her son's grades went from D's and F's to B's and C's. Not perfect, but the parent-child conflict was greatly reduced - and he was at least passing classes.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

He starts pushing me around...

Hi Mark,

The first couple of weeks of trying your strategies seemed to be working. But a couple of days ago my teen started acting out again. He starts pushing me around, kind of his way of looking for a fight. I tried to keep as calm as possible and I left the house for a class. I came back and my son had left the house with a note saying that he went by his dad's (which he hasn't been by for 2 years and refuses to go) and that if that doesn't work out, then he is going to kill himself (which he has been saying for a long time now and even admits that he is just saying that). I called him on his cell the night he took off and he said he was by Grandma's house (where he normally runs to) and said the reason he left is because I took away his freedom (I started taking a class and this was my 2nd week and he has to stay in the house while I am gone).

Please advise.

Thanks,

L.

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Hi Linda,

It is going to be nearly impossible to keep him “in the house” while you are gone. Instead, drive him to his grandma’s house or dad’s house and instruct them that your son is not to leave their house (unless going somewhere in their company) until you return.

Also let him know that the next time he “pushes you around” – which is misdemeanor battery – you will call the police and file charges.

Re: killing himself - This, even by his own admission, is a manipulation.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen