My daughter stole my car! What to do?

Recently I became the recipient of a $720 phone bill, courtesy of my 15 year old daughter, A___. After confronting A___ about her phone usage I asked her to give me her phone. She refused and a short while later left the house, presumably to gather her wits. A short while later my wife noticed my car was missing. My daughter had taken my car! My daughter does not have a driver's permit or insurance. A short time later my daughter called us from her friend's house, about 5 miles away. She was safe, and so was the car. In the meantime we had called the police. We knew she had to face consequences for her actions. The police officer explained that we had several choices on how to proceed with a juvenile (after bringing her home):

1. Do nothing (leaving the consequences up to us as parents)

2. Write her tickets for Driving Without a License, Driving without Insurance, Car Theft, and Breech of Trust. I would have to pay those tickets.

3. Write her tickets and set a court date in the Family Court. I would pay for the tickets and court costs.

4. Declare her an Incorrigible Child and give up our rights as parents.

5. Have the officers talk to A___ and then leave the consequences up to us as parents.

Click here for my response...

Son Returns From "Juvie"

Mark,

First of all, thank you for the phone conversation last week, regarding our son J___ coming home this Friday from "Juvie".

One question I meant to ask you was, do we implement one session per week or all at once? My thought is there needs to be strong expectations (which we did do with him last week in person) right from the start. How would be the best way to do this? We have let him know how consequences will work.

I am somewhat nervous or anxious about him coming home since it has been 4 months. Part of my anxiousness is that if he messes up and doesn't follow his conditions, there is no going to court and waiting - he would have a warrant and would go back immediately and then they would decide if he gets a second chance or serve out the rest of his time or more depending on what the breach of his condition is. (I know I need to separate myself somewhat emotionally and it’s hard.)

We have told him our home cannot be the way it was before and he doesn't want the "war zone" either. As I said to you last week, he's telling us he does want to make changes. We also have told him that we are making changes as well. However, he still wants to hang with some of the peers he had before - however not all of them. Still these ones are into pot smoking - how much control do I put on him.

[On another note:]

I'm not entirely sure how to handle this situation. I was talking to my son tonight by phone (he's only allowed a 10 minute phone call) and he's looking forward to coming home. In our conversation, he told me he has about $45 in his account (at the young offenders centre). We once in awhile would put money in his account for toiletries, snacks, haircut. When my husband and I visited him the weekend prior to this past weekend, we asked him if he had any money left in his account and he said no, he spent it on some toiletries and snacks. (Now I feel like an idiot… I guess we should have checked if he had any money left before we put more money in.)

At that time we offered to put in $15 to last the next 2 weeks. Now, he tells me he has $45 that's HIS when he gets out on Friday. I said to him "you told me you had nothing left and now you have $45". First he said - "if I would have told you, you wouldn't have left anymore money. I've been saving $5 a week from what you gave me". At first I thought - good job you were able to save $5 a week. And then I thought, I've been deceived and duped.

I said to him, "you never said anything about saving $5 a week". He insisted not so nicely that he did tell us. My husband and I both agree we don't ever recall him saying this to us, and if he had, we WOULDN"T have left anymore. I said to Jordan, "I feel you only told me half the truth and I'm disappointed you weren't honest." Of course, he started to get upset, but this time I never engaged, and repeated I'm disappointed you weren't honest with me. I said to him, "I don't know how to handle this right now, but I'll let you know what I'm going to do about it - I have to think about it." His reply to me was, "if you take my money, I'm taking something from you!" I replied to him "I'm not arguing about this, I'll let you know what I'm going to do". He then had to get off the phone, and told me "thanks, now I have to go to bed mad and you've made me mad for the whole night and I can't talk to you until I can call you tomorrow." (he did say "I love you").

To be honest, I'm not sure what to do about it. At least now I know not to let him suck me into an argument, although it almost worked, and I kept my calm! My first thought is, this was our money we put in, no you shouldn't have it, especially by being dishonest about it! My thinking is, this would be the best consequence?

So, my question to you is, when I do talk to him tomorrow night, how would be the best way to respond so that he starts to learn we can't be manipulated or lied to. I feel we've been manipulated.


E.

````````````````

Hi E.,

Keep it simple for now. Just implement Session #1 assignments this week …Session #2 next week …and so on.

Re: lying.

He clearly cannot keep the money because he did nothing to EARN it. Having said this, I would strongly suggest that you simply start with a clean slate. I think it will be a big mistake to start his arrival home with a consequence. You’ve told him all you needed to over the phone.

So does he get off the hook for lying? Yes, for now. But you have the tools to deal with this should it happen again.

Put this issue to bed. Start fresh when he gets home. You’ll have bigger fish to fry – I’m sure.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

How to Enforce Grounding as a Working Parent

"I've been following your program for a couple months, seeing steady improvement. But here are my problems we can't seem to get by ...my husband and I both work full time and there is about 3-4 hrs of time our 15 yo son is by himself, so if a grounding punishment is needed, how do we enforce it? Also do we punish for bad behavior at school when he is monitored already through the truancy system?"

Click here for the answer...

Should I believe him...

My son lives with me in Illinois …he is 16 yrs old. His dad lives in Indiana. T__ sees his dad about 4 times per year, but talks regularly on the phone with him. T__ recently saw his dad and has become depressed about not seeing him often and admitted to drinking alcohol and smoking pot to relieve his anxiety about school tests and missing his dad. I made an appt. for a counselor, but in the meantime his dad called the parents of T__'s friends and told them that T__ and probably their children were also abusing drugs and alcohol. Now those parents want to know if T__ is a drug dealer and don't want T__ around their kids. My question is, was this a reasonable course of action to take? And if T__ says he will not drink or smoke until he is 21 yrs. old, should I believe him and monitor his behavior closely?

```````````````````

Hi G.,

Re: ...was this a reasonable course of action to take?

Since T__ admitted to marijuana and alcohol abuse, I would say yes.

Re: ...should I believe him and monitor his behavior closely?

This may sound harsh, but you should NOT believe him. I’m sure he’s pulled the wool over your eyes more than you’ll ever know (or would care to know). And yes, you should monitor his behavior very closely.

Please refer to “Emails From Exasperated Parents” [Session #4]. I address drug and alcohol abuse in more detail there.

Stay in touch,

Mark

Online Parent Support

Do these same principles apply to a 4 year old...

hi mark,

i came across your info online and purchased the ebook.

my question is this...do these same principles apply to a 4 year old (i am assuming yes, and they would ward off any potential poor parenting and child behavior as we grow/learn together)... And if so, then, here's my next question.

after finishing session one and reviewing the assignments, i am confused as to what to do w/ the poker face and fair fighting strategies. What i understood was that i am to implement the poker face immediately and not respond (feed) his intensity seeking and look for times when he is behaving great and turn on the intensity then w/ praise. Also, the fair fighting...."when xyz....i have a problem w/...etc. - crime /pos reframe, problem solve together" - is that also to go into effect now?

i did begin both this week (as soon as i read them) and now tonight i see only the "nurturing" assignments offered. Am i to do all the ones i stated above? Am i on the right track?

thanks kindly and God bless

d.

````````````

Hi D.,

Re: ...do these principles apply to a 4 year old.

Yes. It is sort of a myth that parents are suppose to parent one way when a child is 4 ...then a different way when he is 10 ...then yet another way when he is 16 ...and so on.

Re: ...am I on the right track.

Yes. Begin using the "Fair Fighting" strategy as needed. Also, you may want to draft a parent-child contract (this is discussed in Session #1 assignments as well).

You're on a roll. Keep up the momentum.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child

I cannot get her up, dressed and fed without a huge fight...

Hi Mark,

It's good to be online with parent support. We are currently working our way through Week#1 and there is a lot to digest. I have a question already-I work on a Fri in a hospital and I have to drop my daughter at school by 0800hrs (before-school care) or I'm late for work. I cannot get her up, dressed and fed without a huge fight and find it hard to keep a Poker Face on these Fri mornings. Any other morning when she refuses to co-operate I can leave it up to the school to enforce their "Late Consequences" but I cannot be late for work. Some mornings if I let her she wouldn't go to school at all... I can see how I've become part of the Dependency Cycle as I will offer to help her dress as it's so much quicker.

Thanks,

L.

``````````````````````````

Hi L.,

You need to be firm with her. Don't count on the problem going away if you ignore it. However, don't be angry with her as her anxiety and distress are real.

You need to find out what is troubling her. It could be school phobia (a fear of school), separation anxiety (fear of leaving you or the home) or agoraphobia (fear of crowds and public places). These are all very real disorders.

If someone is bullying, teasing, embarrassing, or abusing her, then it could be the first diagnosis. Talk to her teachers to find out what they know and to inform them of your experiences with your daughter.

Assume that your child is physically well and needs to go to school. Keep assuring her firmly and confidently that she'll be fine (and so will you) once she arrives. If she still claims of physical ailments, you have two options:

First, get her to school unless you determine that she truly is sick. In that case she would be running a fever, or have nausea and/ or diarrhea, etc. If she just tells you she doesn't feel well, that isn't enough to let her stay home. Adults often go to work with uncomfortable symptoms.

The second option is to believe her. Since she says she is too unwell to go to school, then clearly she is too unwell to be up and about the house. If she is sick then she is sick, and so she goes to bed: lights off, curtains closed, no TV, no special snacks. Ignore her and go about your normal daily routine. Make sure that the option of staying home is boring. If she is not sleeping then, ideally she should be doing some schoolwork. Certainly there should be no friends or visitors to entertain her.

You can also establish some rewards for going to school.

Be firm and remain calm. Let her know that you expect her to go to school, but don't argue with her if she resists. The goal her is for her to want to go back to school. Once she goes and finds out that she's fine, her previous symptoms should disappear.

Sleep Tips For Children 5-12—

· Prepare the room for sleep -- remove or put away toys that are associated with daytime activities, little or no light is ideal and be sure the room is cool and quiet.

· Let your child have a transitional object to go to sleep with like a doll or stuffed toy -- his association with this object will aid sleep.

· Avoid late night activities that can increase your child's adrenalin.

· Avoid frightening movies and video games close to bedtime.

· Avoid excessive drinking before bed so that your child is not tempted to wake up to go to the bathroom.

· A light nighttime snack can be helpful like cheese or milk -- both contain tryptophan, an amino acid that aids sleep.

· A bedtime routine should be very regimented -- the body likes consistency and the brain does too.

Sleep Tips For Teens 13-18—

· Physical activity should be avoided close to bedtime -- exercise five hours before sleep can be helpful but exercise too close to bedtime can be a stimulant and inhibit a good night's sleep.

· Bedtime should be consistent -- read something 10-15 minutes before bed, or take a bath/shower.

· Avoid stimulating activity like video games, computers and television in the bedroom.

· Avoid caffeine in the afternoon -- caffeine is a stimulant that can inhibit a healthy sleep night.

Stay in touch,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

JOIN Online Parent Support

J___ is being released from youth custody...

Mark,

J___ is being released from youth custody on May 30 (he's been gone for 4 months) into our custody for a 2 month community supervision order. I have read your e-book for the last 3 months probably reviewed it completely twice and reviewed certain sections a few times. Myself and my husband have listened to the CD's twice and keep on replaying them while we're driving. I am determined to do things differently when he comes home. We have made a detailed "Expectations and Respect" rules for our home that we went over with J___ this past Friday at the centre with a staff present. J___'s comment was its not really any different just clearer. I have said to J___ that I've made mistakes and am committed to changing some parenting strategies, and have actually used some - my husband too. Of course, he hasn't been at home for us to practice a lot and that will all change next Friday ...and I'm looking forward to doing things differently, and I have to admit am a little anxious about him coming home.

E.W.

My Out-of-Control Teen