I am an over-indulgent parent with both things and freedom...

Hi Mark,

I just want to write you a quick note to vent (a little, since you are an understanding audience) and let you know that you have already opened my eyes to the dependent relationship with myself and my daughter. Wow, the part about wanting to fight with me and that actually gives her a sort of distorted acknowledgment is sort of disturbing and relieving at the same time. I have often felt that she deliberately picks fights with me to get me going but I thought I was making it up in my mind because I was becoming resentful. I want my daughter to be happy but I understand now that the relationship I've created is causing her to be act they way she acts.

By the way...I am an over-indulgent parent with both things and freedom.

I will let you know how things go.
Best regards,
S.

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Hi S.,

I'm glad you are getting some insight into what is going on. Thanks for being open to new ways of thinking.

Stay in touch,

Mark

Online Parent Support

Our biggest mistake was grounding him for too long...

Hi K.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

My husband and I have been taking your online seminar and found it to be very helpful. Our son will be 18 in October. He's never cared about school and has become more and more defiant in the past few years. I would describe his behavior as passive aggressive. He'll say what you want to hear but then do something totally different. He says he will continue high school when he's 18 but I doubt it very much. He wants, wants, wants, but has not motivation behind any of it. He's had a little trouble with drugs but I don't think he is abusing drugs.

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After taking your seminar, we found our biggest mistake was grounding him for too long. He kept screwing up so we just kept adding to his grounding. After awhile, he just ignored anything we said. The 3-day grounding rule helped a little bit, but basically he would get off grounding for a day or so then screw up again.

==> He only "screws up" if he repeats the original offense. Please refer to Session #3 and have another peak at the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid."

That's the cycle we're in right now. But our relationship still has improved because of your recommendations for daily positive affirmations, etc.

I would like your advice in how to handle our latest problem. We discovered over the weekend that our son had stolen $60 from my purse and we have seen some indications that he may be buying and selling marijuana with a group of friends. I've told him that he must pay back every penny of what he took (by doing chores, which will take him sometime to do because he only does chores when he wants something.) I'm not sure if I should go to the police. I can't prove any of this although I believe he has taken money before but can't be absolutely sure. He's had a few minor run-ins with the police already – trespassing on schools grounds at night and possession of marijuana. We have an appt with a juvenile probation office this week regarding these problems.

==> If you don't have any hard evidence that he stole money from you, then you really cannot do anything other than take extra precautions in the future (hide your money). Regarding selling/smoking pot: Get some home drug kits. Test him randomly. Involve authorities if he tests positive (otherwise you will inadvertently be grooming him to become a pusher). (It's good that you will be having a talk with Juvenile Probation Officer.)

Mark

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Thanks for the advice. We had been drug testing B____ randomly but not very regularly. You gave me an idea of tying in the probation offices consequences with the drug testing. If they don’t ask for it, I will “volunteer” to drug test him. That will make both of us accountable.

Thanks for all of your online recommendations. It has been very helpful and I review it all the time. I’ll take another look at the section “When you want something from your kid”.

Low-Frustration Tolerance in Defiant Teens

Hi Mark, I was wanting to ask you how we best handle A___'s outbursts of rage and verbal abuse when she is frustrated. She asks for help with a problem (i.e., wrapping a parcel to set up a shop for a game this morning, then refuses to listen to the help to get the parcel wrapped, then starts to scream and abuse us for offering "stupid" help then rips up the paper, throws the sticky tape on the floor and storms off screaming and slamming the doors as she goes). She is then not able to calm herself down for ages and sulks like a 2 year old and this scenario goes on almost every time she can't do something and asks for help. We encourage her and try to get her to do it herself and praise her (on the extremely rare occasion she listens and succeeds) but this just goes on and on and can ruin a whole weekend as it has done yesterday and today.

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I feel I am always nagging...

I would like some guidelines on setting up clear rules.

My 15 year old son constantly yells, belittles his younger brother and basically tries to defy or argue when I ask him to anything. He certainly sets the mood for the house. I found it harder to stay in control and feel I am at wits end.

He doesnt worry about his appearance and I constantly remind him of basic hygiene. He lacks motivation at school, football relationships at school always seem to be a drama. He seems to be closer to girls and does not seem to be able to form close relationships with boys.

Has quit his part time job. Doesnt seem to be passionate about anything. He often tells me how he wants to leave and live with anyone but me.

My husband has been ill with Leukaemia and suffers with the complications of the treatment. It has impacted our life for the past three years.

Upsets me that he is so angry and not happy.

I would like him be responsible for the cleanliness of his room, his appearance and speak nicely and want him to contribute to the family in a loving way.

I feel I am always nagging but where is the fine line between letting him just do what he wants. I seem to feed off his anger.

I just want to understand R___ and my behaviour and what I can do to help to make this situation better?

Appreciate any feed back? If anything, writing helps to clarify my thoughts.

kind regards

J.

==> Click here for my response...

Should I keep rules / expectations the same for both?

Dear Mr. Hutton, Well I finally took the plunge and started your program! I am now working my homework for week one. My humble statement was more difficult to deliver than I thought, but I somehow managed to get through it- Family dinner night for week one was minus M___, but I am hopeful he will eventually show as you say. My questions to you are: I have two teenagers- M___ 17 and M_____ 16. I actually delivered the mission statement to both even though M___ 17 is the one with all of the symptoms of overindulged child. Should I keep rules / expectations the same for both?

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"Attention-Seeking" Behavior in Defiant Children

"We had issues with A___ at home last night that I wanted to talk to you about, and what we could have done. She had been to her Nana's for the day and I picked her up at about 5pm. Normally she is really hyped up 'cause they make cakes and she has more sugar than I'd like. Nana said she only ate one cake but she was behaving as if she'd had 50... She wasn't being abusive (for a change) but she was being incredibly annoying. She wouldn't eat any dinner (that's ok so go hungry), she wouldn't have a shower, she kept grabbing hold of me and laughing (my sore arm and my legs) and wouldn't let go, was swinging off a wooden beam in the kitchen, wouldn't let us eat our dinner (dancing around in front of the TV when we tried to ignore her and put the news on), annoying the cat (she got scratched having not learnt from heaps of previous scratches over the years), wouldn't do any homework etc. etc....

SO after trying to ignore her for a while, we gave her a warning that if she continued she would lose all her soft toys for 3 days (they were packed in a suitcase and locked away) but she continued so the next warning/consequence was the loss of her dvd player (locked away) and no TV for 3 days and she continued and lost some books etc. but then after doing this for 6 hours (it was 11pm by this stage and she wasn't in bed) Martin lost his temper with her (I had been really trying so hard to not get angry) so she then went to bed crying and screaming abuse at us.

What could we have done differently? She didn't start off actually behaving badly per se but she was being unbelievably annoying and it went on for 6 hours!!! Martin lost his appetite and didn't eat anything for dinner and although he congratulated me for not losing MY temper, he still got cross at me when I suggested he go back and read your e-book again so then WE were arguing..... You know the story!"

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He did not get his credits required...

Hello Mark

Well his grade 12 graduation is this week-end. He is not able to “walk the stage” as he did not get his credits required. Natural consequence of not attending school and not getting his work done.

He is still planning to go in a limo with his friends and attend the banquet with his girlfriend. My husband says we should not attend any of the grad events, however, will our son ever forgive us for being the only parents not there? We have tried to talk him out of going but is insisting he wants to.

Please advise whether we, as the parents, should be “celebrating” a grad event when he is not technically graduating.

Thank-you Mark

 

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