18-year-old scared before signing record deal...

Mark,

It was a pleasure speaking with you this afternoon. My name is F___. I am a record producer/recording engineer based out of the San Francisco Bay Area. I have been in the music business since I was a 19-year-old sophomore at U.C. Berkeley in 1978. I am presently 49, so I have been part of the music scene for a very long time. Several months ago, I purchased the MOOCT program because my 18-year-old daughter, A___, is in crisis (for lack of a better term).

A___ was born August 17, 1990. She has always lived with her mother, D___, in Texas. I was never married to A___’s mother. Musically speaking, A___ is far ahead of where my musical abilities were at age 18. She is a gifted singer and I have trained her well. At the age of 15, A___ stated that it was her ambition to be a pop star and asked me to work with her. She had excelled at every level, winning many scholastic vocal competitions and singing in churches. I agreed to work with her. The process started in June 2006.

Under my direction A___’s music career thrived. By January of this year she was established internationally and had proved that if she had a record deal she could generate substantial revenues. Malia Obama was one of A___’s fans and we had discussions with the Obama people about A___ performing for the Obama girls. In January, everything went haywire. I was negotiating a record deal for A___ with Universal Music Group. I thought everything was going well but then neither A___ or her mother would talk to me for almost 3 weeks. D___ finally contacted me on February 9 and informed me that she had enrolled A___ in a 9 month pharmacy technician training program at some cheesy Texas technical school. She said the reason she did it was so A___ would have something to fall back on if her music career was a bust. That reasoning made no sense because A___ and I had made an agreement long ago that in the unlikely event her music career was short lived she would go to a four year collage and I would pay for it. Her mother has always been in a state of financial hardship and constantly borrows money from anyone who will let her have it; me included. When I asked D___ why she had enrolled A___ in the tech school without discussing it with me first, she had two responses: “I don’t know” and “I told A___ many times that she needed to call you.” They didn’t discuss it with me because they knew I would have stopped them in their tracks.

D___ took substantial grief from people associated with A___’s career for doing something so stupid. A___ knew her mom was catching major hell so when I finally got to speak with A___ she said she didn’t want to be a pop star anymore even though she knew she had the talent to be successful. She went on to say she just wanted to lead a quiet life and she thought she could get by on a $10/hour pharmacy tech salary. This did not sound like my daughter in any way, shape or form. She sounded very confused. My position was she had no business in the tech school and I wanted her out of there immediately. She refused to quit. As a result, she lost her record deal with Universal, production team, songs written for her, $500/month allowance I gave her and the new sports car she wanted me to buy her. Approximately 2 weeks after this bombshell was dropped on me A___ told me she never wanted to work with me again. I was confused by this because I was under the impression she was done with music. She also stated that I was “too possessive.”

Several days after that conversation, A___ announced on the internet that she was done with pop music and planned to pursue a career as a Contemporary Christian Music recording artist. She also announced that she had a new manager, her mother, D___. D___’s management experience is limited to watching me work with A___. D___ is not qualified to manage any artist and readily admits it but she’s doing it anyway. The executives at the Christian record companies laughed their asses off when they heard A___ wants to be a Christian recording artist. After what has transpired they want no part of A___ or D___. Furthermore, the quality of A___’s recordings have tanked since I stopped working with her. A Christian record label executive described A___’s recent work to me as “unlistenable.” I agree with his assessment.

I have tried numerous times to talk with A___; she refuses to speak with me. She did send me a text message a few weeks ago in which she stated that she was really happy. It was a dig at me. My daughter is headed down a path that will not serve her well in the future. I feel like I’ve lost my daughter and that there is nothing I can do for her. Your statement in the program that kids won’t change until they’re ready reinforced my feeling that I should just let her go. It breaks my heart to see my precious daughter abandon her lifelong dreams to work in a low paying job and pursue a record deal in Christian music that can never materialize (for business reasons which are irrelevant to this correspondence). I have tried to help A___ to become an independent young lady who can take care of herself someday and be financially self sufficient. She was on her way until something happened down in Texas that derailed her. It is only natural that an 18-year-old would be scared before signing a major record deal with a company like Universal. I think that is where this mess started and then A___’s mother played on her fears. I could be wrong but that’s what I believe happened.

Any insights that you can provide would greatly be appreciated. Thank you.

F.

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Hi F.,

Based on what you've said, a few comments seemed to jump out at me:

"They didn’t discuss it with me because they knew I would have stopped them in their tracks."

"She also stated that I was “too possessive.”

"It breaks my heart to see my precious daughter abandon her lifelong dreams to work in a low paying job and pursue a record deal in Christian music that can never materialize."

I'm guessing that you (a) have been a bit too controlling in the past and (b) viewed your daughter as an extension of yourself (i.e, you had YOUR goals for her that are clearly not in alignment with HER goals for her).

She probably was a bit apprehensive with the idea of becoming a "big star" -- that's true -- but the larger issue may be her wanting to assert her will rather than follow your will.

Hope this makes sense. I feel like I am at least in the ball park on this one.

I would drop her a line and simply say, "I will support you in whatever you want to do with your life. You know what's best for you. I love you for who you are."

Then in future conversations, inquire as to what she is doing without providing your opinion about it -- just listen!

You can do that,

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teens & Peer Pressure

Hi Mark,

I read your book about a year ago and have been referring back to it when I have needed it. My communication with my daughter has improved greatly. Unfortunately, she is still making bad choices. As far as I know, it is only occasionally, but could be more and I am just not aware of it. A few months ago we pulled her out of traditional school and enrolled her in Independent Studies. She goes to school (which is a class at her regular school) once a week, receives work, checks in her homework and takes her tests. Her grades and homework have improved significantly. When I took her to school on Monday, I was supposed to pick her up around 10-11, she was supposed to call (she had her cell phone taken away at the time.) I called the teacher around 12 and she informed me she had checked out at 11:30. To make a long story short, she finally called me at 3:00 (I was at the school looking for her) and was there. I did not talk to her because I was too angry. She proceeded to come home, eat one thing after another for over an hour then went up stairs to bed. I told her Dad he needed to drug test her (we are divorced.) He called last night and said when he told her she needed to take the test, she admitted to smoking pot a few weeks ago. My problem is her low self esteem and wanting to fit in. She was on the school volleyball team until she got kicked off for bad grades. I have offered for her to do ANY other activity and she refuses. It seems she only wants to fit in doing bad things, which I assume makes her feel “cool.” How do I get her to do things that are positive when she only WANTS to do destructive things?

Thanks!

W.

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Hi W.,

Peer pressure is more than just a phase that adolescents go through. Whether it leads to extreme hair and clothing, tattoos, or body piercing, peer pressure is a powerful reality and many adults do not realize its effects. It can be a negative force in the lives of kids and adolescents, often resulting in their experimenting with tobacco, alcohol, and illegal drugs.

Adolescents want to be with people their own age. Kids, especially during adolescence, begin to spend a lot more time with their friends, and less time with their family. This makes them more susceptible to the influences of their peers. It is important to remember that teenage friends can have a positive influence on a youth. During teenage years, adolescents are more accepting of their peers feelings and thoughts. Peers can and do act as positive role models.

Parents, teachers, and other adults should encourage adolescents to find friends that have similar interests and views as you a parent, educator, religious and community leader are trying to develop in the teen. The critical adult views including doing well in school, having respect for others, avoiding drug use, smoking, drinking and other risky behaviors.

Adolescents put into practice risk-taking behaviors as they are trying to find their own identity and become more independent. This makes them very vulnerable to experimenting or becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol, sexual activity, and defiance of authority, especially if there is peer pressure to do so. Adolescents who use drugs are also more likely to become involved in gang activity, have low self-esteem, behavior problems, school performance problems, and depression.

Parents, teachers, religious and community leaders want to promote positive peer pressure among teens. Parents and other adults often believe that adolescents do not value their opinions. In reality, studies suggest that parents have tremendous influence over their kids, especially adolescents. No matter the age of their kids, parents, caregivers and other adult role models should never feel helpless about countering the negative effects of peer pressure.

What parents can do:

• Ask questions and enjoy listening to adolescents as he or she talks
• Avoid attacking the teen’s friends- criticizing an adolescents choice of friend can be perceived by a teen as a personal attack
• Avoid criticism that takes the form of ridicule or shame
• Be an involved parent
• Establish and maintain good communications
• Get adolescents involved in youth groups, community activities and peer monitoring programs
• Help the teen understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he or she is)
• Monitor your teen’s activities
• Nurture strong self-esteem
• Role-play peer pressure situations
• Talk openly and honestly about stealing, alcohol, illegal drugs, and sex

Peer pressure during childhood and adolescence equips adolescents to develop healthy friendships, self-identity, self-esteem, and self-reliance. It is healthy for everyone to talk about how they feel what they need, desire and want. Parents mistakenly assume that their teen does not want to talk to them, but it may just be that the teenager does not want to talk about his or her bad grades, their bad behavior and how much trouble they are in. Usually adolescents are more willing to talk about something they are interested in or something positive that is about them.

Develop a habit of talking with your teen every day. Building a strong close open relationship with him or her while they are young will make it easier for your teen to discuss problems, concerns and other sensitive issues associated with school, relationships, and other life stressors.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens & Alcohol

As a responsible, caring parent, I want my children to make responsible choices regarding alcohol use that are consistent with my beliefs and values. But it’s not a simple issue. We have alcohol in our home and with meals, but don’t want the kids to drink before they are adults. In the midst of these issues, our children see and hear numerous ads that promote alcohol. They may be curious, and—particularly as they grow older—face pressure from their peers to drink. How do you deal with this issue in a positive, healthy way?

Click here for my response...

Teens & Curfew Violation

My daughter is having great difficulty getting in by curfew. She always says things like, “It’s so unfair! All my friends get to stay out later than I do. I don’t need a curfew. Just call me on the cell when I need to come home. Don’t you trust me?” Any advice?

Click here for my response...

Following the “Fighting Fair” strategies...

Dear Mark,

It has been a very progressive few days. My husband and I are following the “Fighting Fair” strategies and are making headway. It was wonderful to see my daughter go straight to the dishes and do them moments -- not hours, but moments -- after I expressed what I wanted from her in an assertive, loving way. I was in amazement, mostly because I felt I accomplished something I should have been doing for years. I showed her respect in what I asked her to do and she is showing us respect in return. She also opened up about several issues she hadn’t talked about for years. This is truly a small miracle. Thank you, and God Bless you Mark in your service to parents.

K.N.

Online Parent Support

Assertive Parenting

Hi Mark, In your article about Permissive Parenting under the conditional permissiveness I am confused---as you have said to make the kids EARN EVERYTHING---yet in this article it sounds like that is Conditional permissiveness and that is supposed to be a bad thing? Can you help me clear that up please? Thanks.

Click here for my response...

The Worst Mistake That Parents Make

Don't try to resolve a dozen child-behavior problems at once. Here's a great example of what I'm talking about (email from parent):

"Our out of control daughter that is 16 years of age has been grounded for numerous reasons over the past two years. There have been periods of time in the two years that she has not been grounded although these times are not for very long. Some of the things that we have been dealing with are as follows:

Sex (suspect once in 07) ( now, since September 08) still seeing boyfriend at school. HAVING PROBLEMS COMING UP WITH CONSEQUENCES

Drug use (Marijuana)( first time not sure, but first time found “potato head” pipe in room April 09) HAVING PROBLEMS HERE TO

Retail Theft (Jan 09) (she paid fines and is attending theft class this weekend for it. We added an additional com service for church until end of school.)

Theft at her place of work ( Dec 08) she paid for it(her $), made amends and did 24 hours community service. (She seems sorry but still don’t trust her

Back talk (getting worse in 08 - 09) HAVEN’T ADRESSED THIS YET, well we have, but very badly apparently

Cutting (1st time with boy friend may of 07) got counseling and body checks thereafter, seemed to go away) she seemed healthier after break up with boy friend may of 07)caution

Attempted running away (twice in 07 )let go of this one too

Talk of suicide ( mostly in 07 – 08) let go with caution

Alcohol use (dabbled since 07) spot checks started and continue now and then ever since but let go with caution

Failing grades in school (since 07) WE ARE LETTING GO

Skipping school (once in 07) WILL BE TRUENT NEXT TIME, DON’T THINK SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN

Cigarette smoking (started in 07, got worse) WE LET GO OF THIS ONE

Lying (since she turned 12 and has gotten worse over time) HAVING PROBLEMS HERE TO

Trust is a big issue!!!

Present boyfriend is also doing drugs.

HELP!!! What can we do?"

When parents chase their tails trying to find solutions to multiple problems at once, they become so scattered and confused that their ability to problem solve is greatly reduced.

==> PICK YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY -- but perhaps more importantly -- PICK THEM ONE AT A TIME !

Here's the good news:

Let's say you have 10 behavior problems that your child is exhibiting. If you will tackle the most pressing issue first (first things first - and keep it simple), then you can move onto the second issue with a lighter load on your back. And by the time you get to issue number 3 or 4...

...you will find that issues 5 through 10 have taken care of themselves !!!

HELLO... Did you get it?!

Let me say it again:

By the time you get to issue number 3 or 4, issues 5 through 10 will have taken care of themselves.

So you see, when you try to fight 10 battles at once, you (a) fight all 10 and (b) run a huge risk of not solving even one of them.

On the other hand, when you only fight 1 battle at a time, you end up only fighting 3 to 4 total -- not 10.

Here's to working smarter rather than harder,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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