Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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Following the “Fighting Fair” strategies...

Dear Mark,

It has been a very progressive few days. My husband and I are following the “Fighting Fair” strategies and are making headway. It was wonderful to see my daughter go straight to the dishes and do them moments -- not hours, but moments -- after I expressed what I wanted from her in an assertive, loving way. I was in amazement, mostly because I felt I accomplished something I should have been doing for years. I showed her respect in what I asked her to do and she is showing us respect in return. She also opened up about several issues she hadn’t talked about for years. This is truly a small miracle. Thank you, and God Bless you Mark in your service to parents.


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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm only at the end of the first lesson and a lot of what you write/say hits home - we are therapy drunks, etc. I am hoping you can help me phrase the fair fighting 4 points. My 16 year old daughter is getting high (pot) several times a week. It's not new (going on for over a year now), but the intensity and frequency is. She doesn't care that it's illegal, says they're her lungs.

She has spent a night in juvie (attacking me). When I threaten her, she just walks out the door - over the summer she spent two days away and I don't know where she was. When I get her cornered, she just explodes and leaves (or attacks). She has ADD (no hyperactivity) and impulsivity. Is satisfied with C's in school although she's easily a B student. Does not enjoy school.

When she misbehaves, I shut down her phone so only trusted numbers can reach her. Due to her poor behavior - drinking/drugs, disrespect and sometimes physical violence, we have put driving on hold, she received no presents from the immediate family for her birthday and she didn't get much for the holidays either. I refuse to drive her or do anything except give her the bare minimum.

Her illegal behavior is not new. The positive spin is she's trying to fit in with her peers? - but what peers! She is fearless, which scares me! She claims she has resisted smoking cigarettes because my father died from that - a tribute to Pa. She is very strong-willed and I'd like to see her turn that around and be the one friend who doesn't get high but who can still hang out. I'd of course prefer her to find other friends, but she says 'everyone in Mayfield gets high. That's why I want to move to Beachwood.' I cannot afford to move to Beachwood, but even if I could, there are the same types of cliques in every school and additionally, Beachwood is a more affluent city and their drug problems are prescription medications and heroin, so I guess I'd rather deal with pot!

She is home by curfew every time. I rarely permit her to sleep out and she abides by that. We have family dinner most nights (this has always been the case) and she is there (just now starting to miss, but rarely). She doesn't have many chores but getting her to do them is like pulling teeth - every time. She doesn't give up - she'll make a great lawyer? We are for the most part estranged from her father, who I left due to physical violence and pot smoking when she was 4 - odd (or maybe not) that she's following down his path. She did visit him twice last year, for the first time since we left and she no longer wants any relationship with him, but does agree to speak with him on the phone (he hit her, too). My fiance lives with us for the past few years (we are together for almost 10) and his kids and mine are true siblings - they all get along great - they are all college age (twin boys 19, daughter with drug issues, 22) but do not live with us. My son, 13, is also in the house - hates her - is disgusted by her - so their relationship is strained. She walks into the room and there's immediate tension for all 3 of us. My fiance tries his best to steer clear. Will only get involved if it becomes physical - comes to my rescue. She tried to mace me last time. He is shattered because he's really tried to treat my kids as his own - he's really the only father they've ever known.

I apologize for the length of this email, but wanted to give you some background to help me formulate the fair fighting phrases.

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