Boyfriend Problem is a Romeo and Juliet Phenomenon

Hi Mark, Here's the big question (at least for now). What to do about the boyfriend? I thought that, after the prom night fiasco, this relationship should end, but I offered the compromise of letting her see him with my supervision. Daughter says she won't accept that. If she goes off with him without my permission, should I call the police immediately, or is there any other consequence I could impose?

>>>>>>>>>>Calling the police would only be a temporary fix …but it will drive them closer together in the long run too.

I've thought of telling her that she cannot take JROTC next year if she goes off - I was against it this year because I don't think it belongs in schools and I don't want to feed her military obsession, but let her have her choice. I think that would fit the crime because she met the boyfriend and this older group that drinks and smokes pot through JROTC.

Right now our worst fights are over the boyfriend. Before she met him, the main "battles" were over the internet. I've had the pregnancy/ STD talks with her, but of course she thinks she's immune. Yesterday we had the worst one yet when I wouldn't let her go out. Ironically enough, he didn't even ask her out! (I'm praying that, like so many teenage romances, this one will die a natural death).

There will be another fight over the boyfriend today, I'm sure. One of the house rules is no dating on school nights (today would be the first day off the two weeks grounding, but if I let her date on a school night once, then she will expect that all the time).

>>>>>>>>>>> Two weeks is about 11 days too long.

>>>>>>>> You have a Romeo & Juliet phenomenon on your hands that will need to be diffused (if not, they will continue to work harder at sneaking their rendezvous behind your back).

Unfortunately, if your daughter wants to be with someone -- she'll find a way, no matter what you say or do. Parents can only guide their children in the right direction and hope for the best. If they do a good job, their daughter will make the right decision all on her own. Since you will not be successful at keeping those two apart, you must adopt a philosophy of if you can’t beat ‘em - join ‘em. In other words, they should be able to see one another within reasonable limits. For example:

· They can be together at your house only during those times that you are home and can monitor their behavior (if not, he has to leave)

· You could schedule some activity for them in which you would be a distant chaperon (e.g., take them to a shopping plaza and tell them to meet you back at the coffee shop in exactly one hour)

· Your daughter is allowed to go over to her boyfriend’s house for a designated time period (if she violates the time limit, there is a consequence that is commensurate with the “crime”)

You will not win this battle. Figure out a way for your daughter to see her boyfriend in a way that will keep her safe. This is the best you will be able to do.

I've let her go to a friend's on a school night, but these are friends I know, not this older group she wants to associate with. She doesn't see that going to a friend's on a school night is different from dating.

Re: the internet: So far all she's done to earn computer privileges is to make honor roll.

I take computer privileges for one day if she stays on it too long. The problem now is that she often has homework (and now has two research projects) for which she needs the computer, and I've given in and let her use it to get her homework done.

>>>>>>>>>>> Computer use is still a privilege, not a right. Out of control kids often use the excuse of needing to do research or homework in order to get the parent to reinstate computer privileges. You’ve just been punked – again!

What she's been doing is multitasking, doing some homework but mostly IM'ing her friends or wasting time on MySpace. So I guess I should keep her off the internet, homework or not. Should I use the 3 day grounding rather than just taking the computer for one day?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> This is covered in the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

She says she doesn't care about school, but it did bother her last time when she missed honor roll for the first time (all A's and a C in Algebra II).

Re: suicide threats: Thanks for your answer; it relieves many of my worries. Next time she does it, I'll put on the "poker face" and as you said, keep an eye on it. I'm just worried about her if the boyfriend breaks up with her, as she's quite impulsive.

Re: living situation: There's a maximum one-year time frame for staying here. I'm due to finish my PhD dissertation by May (passed all exams and have most of the research done), and I'm going on the academic job market, which will mean moving to wherever I can find a tenure-track job. My mother's health is getting worse, but she says she'd rather move to a retirement home than come with me.

Actually, although my mother owns the house, she is dependent on me because she cannot maintain it or even do her own grocery shopping. For now, after daughter had the worst tantrum yet when I wouldn't let her see the boyfriend (she's still on the two weeks grounding for prom night), Grandma has agreed not to interfere when I discipline daughter. There's something of a Catch 22 - total self-reliance with a low paying full time job now could also give her the message of quitting the degree when things get difficult (full time work would mean no time for the
diss; I've tried).

>>>>>>>>>>> I agree …it is a catch 22. You have to weigh everything together and pick the lesser of the two “evils” so to speak (i.e., which course of action will be less problematic).

I used the statement you suggested - admitting I made mistakes parenting, apologizing, making amends, letting her know there will be some changes. And I also admitted I was wrong to yell back at her. Reading the ebook, I think the biggest mistake I've been making is to let the arguing escalate. I'm ashamed to admit this, but all too often I yell back at her and get extremely angry at her. For example, a few days ago when she screamed "I hate it here" I yelled back "OK, if you want to go to foster care, you can" and she cried "my family doesn't want me." We both have said very hurtful things to one another. I've apologized and own my part, but she continues to blame me for everything.

I see my major task for Week 1 as practicing the "poker face", breathing deeply, and saying "I'm not going to argue with you" no matter what she says, and enforcing the rules re: the boyfriend and internet. Does this sound about right to you?

>>>>>>>>> Here’s the bottom line: If those two want to see each other, nothing will be able to stop it. The more attention you give it, and the more intensity you provide when “things are going wrong” (i.e., the two of you fighting over this boyfriend), the more those two will bond.

Mark Hutten, M.A.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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Detective Mom


Mark, Thanks for the previous advice. Your methods do seem to be working. We had a beautiful FSS (thanks!). My husband thinks I'm crazy for how "lenient" he feels I'm being, but he has not interfered for 1 week! My 16 yr old son is in a relationship with a 16 yr old girl (~1 1/2 yrs now) that I feel is not good. I have not said anything negative about her in ~1 month. I have let them see each other in supervised settings. Her parents have no rules whatsoever and tell him we're wrong, but I do try to deal with this.

I would like your advice on the following: My son went out after Lacrosse practice last night (I do feel this is part of school and a GOOD thing for him as it helps keep him busy and I know where he is at) which I was OK with since he has been earning this right by following all of our rules. I did get a "bad vibe" later that he was not where he said--can't prove it. He would not answer his phone, ended up at his girlfriends (this was not OK'd, but probably would have been if I knew beforehand and parents were home), and when he called was 15 minutes late and I ended up picking him up. He still swears he went where he said.

I did tell him he was to stay home tonight after his game (lost privilege of going out) and he would not get his phone back until this evening. This was because he did not answer his phone, was late, and was not where we agreed upon. He was NOT happy, but did not argue much, only threatening me he can't call me if to pick him up earlier (game may be canceled because of predicted storm heading our way) since I took his phone. I let this pass, "not arguing".

I did check his phone text-messaging today while he is at school, and it appears he may have intended/or did have a fight with a boy over his girlfriend. He was accusing this girl of "cheating" on him and "F*****" someone else. He did end up at her house later in the evening), don't know if they made up or not, and he says he did not get there until 8:30 but his text to her indicates he was arriving at 7pm. He did have some calls to a boy whose name I don't know.

Another friend text him today with "did you fight or not?" He also did speak with another girl last night, which he has not done before (could be starting to break-up with current girlfriend?).

My husband and I would LOVE for this relationship to end. How would you handle this? Confront him about the calls/text? He would know I check his phone and I am trying to build back trust. It can't be proven (where he was or if the fight did happen). If you could guide me in what step(s) to take with this, and what the consequences should be, I would very much appreciate it!!! Thanks again!

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Re: How would you handle this? You already handled it the way you should (i.e., ground with no cell privileges).

Re: Confront him about the calls/text? If it can’t be proven (i.e., where he was or if the fight did happen), then you have nothing to gain by confronting him on this. He’ll just deny that anything happened, and you’ll go fishing for an argument.

Also, you have nothing to gain by telling him you checked his calls/text. If you do tell him, he will just find other ways to communicate with friends (or make sure everything is erased before you confiscate it again).

I’d let this be your secret. Thus, when you take away the cell in future disciplines, you’ll have a potential investigation tool (i.e., cell). Depending on the seriousness of future texts/calls, you may or may not decide to confront at that time. In the meantime, I would keep my ear to the ground regarding tension between your son and that other kid.

Great ‘undercover’ work,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Mom Refuses To Allow Her 'Education Buttons' To Get Pushed

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Dear parent: I’ve responded where you see these arrows.

Just as you predicted, we are having some good days as well as bad. My 16 yr old sophomore just got caught skipping a class (chemistry) 2 days in a row this week--his girlfriend turned him in as they were arguing/breaking up (I think they are back together now). He was in the lunchroom. He was given 2 detentions. He now is saying he "may not serve" them. I kept my composure but it is really hard.

We also got his progress report in the mail yesterday and as he has been telling us (for several weeks) his grades are lower. I truly thought he was doing this to get a response out of me, and he didn't. He is getting a C- in chemistry (was a B+) and a D in advanced algebra (was a C). I did tell him (as I have been for the several weeks now) that it is his responsibility/future etc. and I cannot MAKE him get better grades. I did try to engage him in a non-biased discussion about how did he feel about it, why did he feel his grades were dropping, what he could do to improve them. He said he felt they were ok, he didn't care anymore, school is boring, etc. Is the correct action to do NOTHING?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Close to nothing.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> I would ask to see his report card. And I would reassure him periodically that he is “more than capable of making all A’s and B’s.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Remember, we provide intensity (i.e., acknowledgment and praise) when things are going right (i.e., kid making C’s, B’s, A’s), and provide no intensity (i.e., getting angry, arguing, lecturing, threatening, allowing our ‘education buttons’ to get pushed) when things are going wrong (i.e., kid making bad grades). School is your kid’s job. Bad grades do NOT fall into the “chore” category -- nor the “behavioral problem” category.

This is harder for me to accept than I thought it would be. I did tell him to bring his books home for the next few days and spend some time with them open and I would still take him to part 2 of driver's training, as he has not been violent, misusing his phone, etc. This would only be a piece of paper getting closer to obtaining his license, but I'm not ready to let him get it yet.

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>>>>>>>>>>> To allow a kid to get his driver’s license is to “foster the development of self-reliance.” This is what we, as parents, are always shooting for.

I should also mention that our 19yr old son has been a poor student since the 8th grade. He has been tested and was found to be perfectly capable of doing the work. We forced him to go to summer school twice and to a tutor (all of which he paid for) but his grades never improved.

>>>>>>>>>> More evidence that when parents allow their ‘education buttons’ to get pushed, they ultimately ‘lose the war’ on ‘bad grades’.

He would scan his report card into our computer and then change the grades/comments. He would try this over and over again. I had to go get them directly from the school myself. We waited until the last week before he graduated to know for sure whether he would or not.

He did attend college this year and we just found out he is not academically eligible to come back. I found this letter in the outside trash. He once again was trying to change the grade for us (his parents) to see. This was in the trash also. He was paying for college on his own with the understanding that we would reimburse a % based on the grade he received.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> I REALLY like this idea …now you’re thinkin’.

Since he is of age, he does have some choices to make (attend community college, work full-time and pay all of his own bills in his name and live at home and pay rent, or move out and pay all of his own bills). We have given him until the weekend to tell us of his plans. He also will hardly talk to us about this. I now know we handled it wrong, but this occurred long ago.

>>>>>>>>>> I think the “living at home” arrangement (pays rent) will work for a while, but remember – “self-reliance is key.” He really should be OUT by age 20 if you want to be consistent with this model.

My husband is having a terrible time with this method, but he is at least listening to me most of the time and trying to just not be part of it and letting me handle the behaviours/consequences.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Good. I’m glad he stays out of your way.

I feel I am an emotional wreck as my boys (especially 16 yr old) test me over and over. I just need clarification to simply let the grades go down with no action/consequence/discipline. I did read the book (over and over) and listen to the on-line (over and over), but still feel so much better when you respond with your e-mail. I do feel this is the way you intend us parents to handle it.

>>>>>>>>>> You are on track! Now …stay on that track.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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You Are Not Your Teenager's "Buddy"

Mark …I have a simple question: I try to be my daughter’s friend, because her father is not involved at all in her life. Is this good or bad? Signed, Single Mom
_________________

I regularly see a lot of evidence that today’s teens are trying to act older while today’s parents are trying to act younger. So you've got kids trying to be adults, and adults trying to be kids. It makes for a weird dynamic – and confuses the teenager as to who's the role model.

In those cases where the parent is a ‘buddy,’ the parent-child relationship tends to be a love-hate relationship.

I understand that the family unit itself has changed (e.g., more single parents, gay parents, parents who are dating, etc.). And I also know it’s hard for the single parent to be both a “friend” and a “disciplinarian.” But you have to pick one or the other – and your pick should be the one who employs “tough love.”

“Tough love” has 2 components though: (1) the tough part and (2) the nurturing part. It’s very possible to provide a steady diet of ‘tough’ and still have plenty of moments for ‘love’ (i.e., moments where you and your teenager are emotionally close, united and bonded).

In any event, you are not a buddy! She has other buddies, but she has only one parent – you. If she really needs an “adult” buddy, hook her up with an aunt, a Big Sister (from Big Brothers/Big Sisters Org.), or one of your trusted female adult friends.



 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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Daughter Refuses to Take Meds for Depression

"How do you get a teen to go back to the dr and stay on meds for depression? She is 18 and we went to the psychiatrist one time and she refuses to go back. He won't prescribe without seeing her again. All she does is cry and then tell me she hates me. I am her punching bag. I get called every name in the book. Her dad used to abuse her so I know she has baggage but I can't live this way anymore :(   ...I took away her car last night because she blew curfew by 3 hours. Then she tells me she won't be able to get to school. I almost made my life worse by punishing her!"


Unfortunately, you can't get her to take her meds! Do yourself a big favor and get out of the business of playing psychiatrist. The more you take responsibility for your daughter's mental health, the less responsibility she will take.

The problem is an ownership problem. Let go of ownership of your daughter's mental health. No more nagging about taking meds. No more asking her to make and keep a doctor’s appointment. This problem belongs to your daughter.

When you give up ownership, your daughter will have to make a choice - she'll have to decide if she will or will not accept ownership of her treatment for depression. And she'll lose the power of pushing your mental health buttons, to frustrate and worry you.

Out-of-control teens intentionally refuse to take their meds (for ADHD, Bipolar, depression, etc.) to push their parents’ buttons. Often parents are in a never-ending cycle of their teen’s sabotage. Since parents are continuously telling their kids how important it is to get to the doctor, to get on some form of medication, and take it regularly - their teens use this information to anger them.

The more parents try, the less out-of-control teens comply. When you take less responsibility for this issue, you put the ball back in her court.

Get rid of the fear that your daughter is going to end up killing herself due to depression. I’m not saying you should take ‘threats of suicide’ with a grain of salt however.

==> Is your teenager chronically angry, depressed, and moody? Then here are a bunch of parenting strategies to assist you, the parent...


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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"Machiavellian" Behavior in Out-of-Control Teens

My 14 year-old son has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ADD, sensory integration dysfunction, other processing disorders and is a genius. Things have been manageable until recently when I began to date an old college boyfriend. I am a 47 year old single parent twice divorced with 1 son from each marriage. My 14 year old lives with me 365 days of the year and his 10 year old half-brother lives with us about 40% of the time. I am a full time trial lawyer for a local government agency and help with my aging parents.

Recently my 14 year old has ramped up the rude and disrespectful behavior, like calling me a bitch and being rude to his brother. My boyfriend will not come to my home- which pleases my son greatly. Implementing consequences for the name-calling has been met with intense response--like stating he will turn his brother against me and convince him to never come to our home. Mean, horrible things like that. He rages and his incredibly intense, always has been. His psychiatrist thinks he may need residential treatment--I hate to think it has come to that. Any suggestions to eliminate the threats and Machiavellian behavior? Thank you for any input, M.H.

-----------------------------------

Hi M.,

A couple points:

1. Clearly he doesn’t want to share you with a boyfriend. But (a) you should be able to have a social life and (b) your son needs to learn the lesson that you are not his slave (i.e., not someone who pours all her time and energy into one person). Don’t let him manipulate you out of a relationship with a boyfriend.

2. A kid’s emotional and behavioral problems happen for a variety of reasons. There’s never just one simple cause. The current problems could be due to something at home or school, something that happened in the past, bio-chemical changes that occur as the child develops, etc. (you did mention that he is 14-years-old now …kids usually fire their caretakers as managers around this age and say, ”I take it from here”). In any event, it wouldn’t be a good use of time and energy to speculate about the cause. All we can do is address issues today.


You mentioned “things have been manageable until recently.” I find that when parents were experiencing an improvement in their child’s behavior, and then things got worse again, it is nearly always the case that the parent has neglected some of her strategies. The method discussed in my ebook consists of a ‘set of strategies’ that must be used ‘in combination’ with one another. If any part of the method is overlooked, the entire system fails.

Consider all the individual components in the transmission of your car. If just one tiny part (e.g., a check ball or a little spring) is lose or broken, the entire transmission stops working. The same is true with these parenting strategies.

Let me provide you with a check-list. If you answer “no” to any of these statements, you may have discovered a potential problem in your parenting transmission:

1. After issuing a consequence, I never retract it.

2. I allow my out-of-control kid to make wrong choices, which gives him wisdom; experience is a great teacher.

3. I am able to differentiate between my kid’s wants and her/his needs.

4. I don’t nag – I simply follow through with the consequence.

5. I don’t try to save my kid from negative consequences and painful emotions associated with poor choices.

6. I expect my out-of-control kid to resist my new parenting strategies.

7. I give equal love to all my kids, but parent them differently.

8. I give only one warning -- then I follow through with the consequence.

9. I give my kid at least five chores to do each week.

10. When I slip into a rage against my kid, I apologize, but I don’t try to compensate by over-indulging him/her.

11. I keep an eye out for my kid’s guilt-trips.

12. I know that a weaker parenting-strategy supported by both parents is better than a stronger strategy supported by only one, and I adjust accordingly.

13. I have learned to say “no”-- and to stick with “no” when it is my answer.

14. I only give my kid gifts on birthdays, Christmas and graduation.

15. I understand that over-indulged kids are too comfortable and that they need some discomfort before they will change.

16. I understand that parenting is not a popularity contest – I am not a "buddy"!

17. I respond to my kid’s anger with a poker face.


18. When taking away privileges, I take away the privilege for a short period (3 days works best; if it lasts too long, resentment builds, my kid forgets the infraction, and the lesson is lost).

19. When I catch myself feeling sorry for my kid, I know it is a sign that I am – once again – taking on too much responsibility.

20. When my kid needs to be cheered-up, I do so with active listening, empathy, paraphrasing, validation, and hugs rather than giving her/him stuff or freedom (e.g., unearned privileges, food, gifts, fun activities, etc.).

21. I do not dabble with these non-traditional parenting strategies – I am consistent!

22. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying Yes” when my answer is yes (covered in the ebook).

23. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying No” when my answer is no (covered in the ebook).

24. I regularly use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” whenever I want my kid to do as requested (covered in the ebook).

25. I avoid power struggles at all cost.

26. I have the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and I have the wisdom to know the difference.

Do a quick tune-up on your parenting transmission, and things should become manageable again. And of course, let your son know that you have plenty of love to go around; you won’t love him any less or spend any less time with him just because you have a boyfriend.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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The Marriage First - Kids Second

My husband and I have been in a battle about priorities with children, we set guidelines and I end up having to be the one to follow up and he usually wears out in the middle of it and 'wants to have some fun with the kids' resulting in him stating I am too tough with the kids. We took his daughter in 5 years ago, split up over her playing him which ended up with him having to verify EVERYTHING I stated with his 9 year old daughter at that time, before it could be valid, meaning I was not valid unless his daughter stated it. We split up and I went back, yes, it was my choice but I thought he made changes and he did but we are at the same point again. His daughter and I have a wonderful relationship now and mainly because we all made changes.

We had a disagreement about the kids again, I was too tough on them, and I told him in hurt and anger that he has the wrong priorities, he needed to put me first and the way he treats me is wrong. Of course he disagreed on that and I told him he needed to start asking others around us, after asking who, I told him he could start with his daughter. He was silent and then angry stating he will take it up with her, making remarks about how her father handles anything. I told him she would tell him the same I do, which he replied to that he would ask her, if she stated he had an issue, he would have to review his actions and make changes, this was a repeat of what he used to do to me before. I asked him if he meant that he would validate her statement but not mine and he replied that was exactly it, since all I wanted to do was to control things and if she would see his actions as an issue, then there would be something to work on.

Needless to say, that felt like a knife in my back and I told him that he needed to handle the children as he felt correct. I called his daughter and told her about the conversation and told her that if she did not want to be confronted, I did not expect her to admit making that statement before, which is what she did. Everyone fears my husband's wrath and since it was me that opened my mouth, I did not want her to have to reap the consequences.

My question is, do we put our child's statement before our spouse? Is following up on responsibilities and consequences with children a control issue?

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Re: My question is, do we put our child's statement before our spouse?

No. I regularly tell parents not to believe anything their kids say (as in 0%), because strong-willed, out-of-control kids rarely speak the truth. They routinely try to convince the father that the mother is mistreating them …try to convince the mother that the father is unfair …try convince the parents that the teachers are cruel and unjust …try to convince the teachers that the parents are abusive …and so on.

The marriage is the foundation of the entire family, and if the foundation is weak, the entire structure fails.

Analogy: Think of the marriage as the foundation of a house, and the children as the roof. If the foundation is cracked and sagging, it’s not long before the roof begins to buckle. Eventually, it’s not even safe to be in the house at all due to the impending collapse of the roof, which could result in and death or injury. Because the foundation problems were not repaired at the first sign of trouble, the entire house must be demolished for safety reasons.

Similarly, if the marital-foundation is weak and goes without repair for several months (i.e., parents choosing not to be united an bonded on most issues), the family-unit will fail, and family members will have to find a safer environment to live in.

Re: Is following up on responsibilities and consequences with children a control issue?

No. It’s called assertive parenting (as opposed to passive, over-indulgent, or authoritarian parenting).

Mark Hutten,M.A.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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