"Discipline Tips" for Troubled Teens

If you are feeling fed-up with your teen’s behavior, you’re not the only one. Surprisingly, your troubled teen may be feeling just as fed-up with her behavior. A hostile teenager’s violent acts do not empower her, but leaves her feeling like she has little or no control over herself.

The period of adolescence hurtles a number of mental and physical changes at your teenager. If she has a strong foundation, which comes from your set rules and structure at home, then you can expect that she will be able to deal with these changes more easily and possibly never have to enter into a stage of hostility. If you do not provide a set structure for her to latch on to, then it is like she is plunging through fast-paced adolescence without a seat belt.

You may have noticed that as your youngster has grown from a toddler in her terrible twos to a teenager equipped with mood swings, applicable discipline has been more difficult to enforce.

By the time they reach the early teens, they might not care anymore if they get denied dessert after dinner or not. Nonetheless, there are still some applicable consequences, which may prove useful in disciplining your troubled teen. Here are just a few to get you started:

1. Allowance— The power of money can indeed be a useful tool for a mom/dad. Denying allowance as a consequence of defiant behavior can be utilized as well as giving bonuses when good actions are recognized.

2. Clothing— The way your teen dresses is a big part of his/her expression of individuality. By forcing certain types of clothing on them (for example khaki pants instead of grunge leather), you may prompt them to act in a particular way which is to your liking/approval.

3. Freedom— When your teen displays his maturity and responsibility, you may choose to respond with the opposite consequence and reward his positive actions with more freedom. By just making his curfew time an hour later than usual, you can encourage your youngster to keep at it with his display of responsible behavior. By showing them that you recognize that they are a youngster growing into an adult, you will motivate a sense of positive growth.

4. Grounding your Youngster— Taking away some of your teen’s freedom (like not letting them go out with friends on Friday night) may be just what they need to wake up and recognize that their behavior has been unacceptable.

 

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5. Material Things— A teen’s possessions can be of dear importance to her. By taking away certain items of significance, you can attempt to one’s control behavior.

6. Phone Privileges— A teenager’s peers are one of his main priorities. When you deny him phone privileges, you can expect results as this is not just a penalty they can easily ignore.

7. Time Together— Sometimes what a troubled teenager really craves for inside is just some quality time with a mom/dad. The warmth of care from a parent to his youngster has genuine beneficial effects on a teenager’s behavior.

8. Transportation— As soon as your youngster is old enough to have a student permit, his use of wheels is of prime importance to him. By restraining him from using the family car or making him use public transportation instead, you may have a firm hold over his behavior.

9. Trust— You must show your youngster the significance of a bond of trust between mom/dad and teen. When he commits a mistake which leads to a loss of trust on your part, then it would prove beneficial to think up possible ways or deeds he can do in order to gain your trust again.

10. Your Presence—Teens care a lot about their image and a mom/dad’s constant presence can be exactly what can prompt them to shape up.

If your teen’s mood swings control the entire atmosphere of your family, then you may be feeling at your teenager’s mercy. It is definitely difficult to deal with a hostile teenager, but parents must not be off in one corner feeling sorry for themselves because their efforts go by unnoticed. This is the time when your efforts should double, triple even, if your initial efforts do not take effect on your troubled teenager.

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Parenting Troubled Teen Girls: 30 Tips for Parents

The teen years for girls are a period of real danger. Girls entering puberty often face a "crisis in confidence" which makes them vulnerable to risky behavior, and these bad choices can have devastating lifelong consequences. They are confronted with drugs, peer pressure, sex, dating, bullying and more.

Teen girls encounter more "stressors" in life, especially in their interpersonal relationships, than teen boys, and they react more strongly to those pressures, accounting in part for their higher levels of depression. The best way to help your troubled teen girl is to intervene as soon as you sense something is wrong.

Here are some important tips for raising teen girls:

1. Aim at building and maintaining strong family relationships, especially between daughters and fathers. While teen girls may rebel against this, a close-knit family is a strong support structure in times of need.

2. Allow teen girls to express themselves within reason and don’t take everything personally. It is not good to repress emotion and by occasionally overstepping boundaries, girls will get a feel for what is appropriate.

3. Ask your daughter's teachers and school staff for an update on her. If they are seeing the same behaviors that you are, it's sign that your teen girl is in trouble. If they tell you her grades are slipping, she's skipping class or becoming aggressive, you should be concerned. This is also important information to gather if you're going to take your daughter to therapy.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Be patient. It is very important not to lose your cool every time your daughter makes a mistake or goes wayward. Remember, patience and perseverance pays. Learn to give your teen girl some time to open up. Spend some quality time with her. Give her the freedom to approach you at anytime of the day. Once this is done, your daughter would discuss with you every time she is in a dilemma.

5. Define the problem. It's important to determine the source of your daughter's behavior. Although the teen years are a time of great flux, a complete behavioral change is not a normal facet of adolescence. If your daughter seems to have done a complete 180-degree personality change, it's important to determine why. There usually is a reason.

6. Discuss sex. This might be a little awkward for you, but it is very important to discuss everything related to sex with your daughter. With virginity not a big thing for the new generation, make sure your daughter realizes the need to be careful with her sexuality and the matters relating to sex. Ensure that she knows what is right and what is wrong, when it comes to sexual intimacy between a boy and a girl. Let her see the advantages of remaining a virgin. If you don’t talk about sex, she will gather information from the Internet and uneducated peers, which may lead to bad choices.

7. Don't feel you have to defend yourself. Your teen daughter may accuse you of things that are not true, say things that are hurtful or exaggerate situations. As the parent, you do not need to help them rationalize these things during an emotional moment. Likely your teen girl is not going to be able to hear what you are even saying, and if she is able to hear it, she will likely not be able to effectively process it. If you feel it is important to explain yourself (and often time it is not) then it is better to wait and do this during a time when emotions are under control.

8. Encourage daughters to set goals in life and as far as possible, model the balance between family and work.

9. Engage in family therapy. If your teenage daughter is abusive, whether you know it or not, it's affecting every member of your household. You'll want to involve everyone in therapy to deal with this issue.

10. Engage teen daughters in discussions about pop culture and advertising. Ask their opinion on the latest trends and whether she thinks they are healthy.

11. Find your teenage daughter a mentor that can help her weather the rocky teen years. Even if you feel as though you have a fairly open relationship with your teen girl, some things she simply cannot communicate to you. Whether it's a relative, a mentor from a non-profit organization or a friend of the family, allowing your teen girl to talk to someone without feeling hurt or jealous can help her talk her feelings and emotions out.

12. Get individual therapy for your daughter and any other family members greatly affected by the abuse. Parents of abusive teens can usually benefit from individual therapy or couples therapy as well, because it's extremely difficult to deal with this type of situation every day.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

13. Give space. Make sure not to be too nosy. Remember, your daughter needs some personal space and that she would not like you to interfere and be intrusive about every small thing in her life. Give her the space she wants, but do not let her totally loose. A little bit of restriction and a little bit of freedom will ensure a balanced lifestyle for her.

14. Help teenage daughters to reach their full potential. This can be done by encouraging interests and providing opportunities and training in those areas. Teach them independence and allow them to make decisions and learn from mistakes. Help her to find a path by asking her what her goals are. Troubled teens are often those that lack direction. Perhaps your teenage daughter hasn't thought about her future and chooses activities with short-sightedness. Help your daughter define the future and register her in activities and classes that will help to get her there and help to keep her out of trouble.

15. If your daughter is using drugs, she's probably not going to admit it. In fact, she'll probably try to hide it at all costs and make excuses to cover it up. If you want to know if your daughter is using, drug test her. Drug-testing kits are available at most local drug stores; you also can take her to her primary care physician to get tested. Drug tests aren't always reliable, because teens have ways of messing with them such as putting water in the test instead of urine. What your daughter and the therapist discuss is going to be confidential, which means the therapist will not be able to tell you anything your daughter has told her. However, if your daughter informs the therapist that she is in danger, then the therapist is mandated to let you know. For example, the therapist will tell you if your daughter is being abused, is suicidal or is using dangerous amounts of drugs.

16. Know what matters. It's important to keep your priorities intact during your daughter's struggles. If your daughter is dealing with larger emotional, social or psychological problems, it's probably not in anyone's best interest to nitpick over a messy room or poor grades. In this case, save your energy for the more important battles.

17. Listen and acknowledge. Make time to talk to your troubled daughter. Arrange a time and a safe, neutral place to draw your daughter out without too much pressure. This could be while driving in the car, watching a show or over dinner. Ask how things have been lately, and listen without lecturing, rebuttals or dismissing concerns. Instead, acknowledge and validate your daughter's concerns and fears. Let her know they are normal, and you want to talk about them. Open the lines of communication between you so you can better understand how she is feeling. Listen to complaints and woes, but don’t try and fix everything. It is more helpful to listen in an understanding manner to allow your daughter to come to her own conclusions.

18. Offer positive feedback so your daughter can count on your for a self-esteem boost. When your daughter acts up, it can be tempting to overreact and blow up at the situation, doling out harsh consequences and even harsher words. But a teen girl will see your reactions as typical and use them to fuel and validate her bad behavior. Before you say anything negative to your daughter, make sure it's prefaced by something positive. You'll likely simultaneously surprise her and let her know that she has worth in your eyes.

19. Open the lines of communication so that your daughter knows that they are available. You may be willing to talk, but your teen daughter doesn't feel comfortable opening up to you. Wait until you're in a casual setting; ask her open-ended questions about her life at school, her social life and her romantic life. She may be generally unreceptive at first, but you're letting her know that talking is OK, and you're available when she needs to vent.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

20. Provide a sounding board for your daughter. Although teens often seek autonomy and independence from their parents, they still need to feel loved, respected and understood. Talk to your teen girl about the things she's dealing with at school, her friends, and the pressures she might encounter. Let her know you're there for her as a safe and unwavering source of support. This will make her less likely to seek out approval and support from questionable sources.

21. Put yourself in your daughter’s position when trying to understand what seems to be an unreasonable request. Find out what motivated her to ask for such a thing.

22. Remain calm. This can be very difficult - especially if your daughter is yelling at your or saying hurtful things. However, if you also become extremely emotional, you will likely not have a productive interaction and you may end up feeling bad that you said things you later regret. Speaking in an even, calm voice often results in the other person lowering their voice and calming down.

23. Say "No". Too often parents sabotage their own efforts by saying "yes" too freely. Whether you don't have the energy for a fight or you simply don't care, saying "yes" too often can give your teenager too much freedom. Even if your daughter rebels, saying "no" lays the ground rules, especially if your daughter is dealing with drug or alcohol abuse. Learn to say "no" to your daughter when she begs you for money, the car or a late curfew. Be consistent and firm so your daughter knows what to expect.

24. Set and maintain boundaries in connection with activities such as drinking, driving, drugs, sex, curfews and computer use. Set clear consequences for breaking the rules and carry these through.

25. Stay involved with your daughter’s education, no matter what her level of ability, and guide her into wise subject choices according to her gifts.

26. Take space. If you feel yourself ready to blow, there is no reason why you cannot take space for yourself. A lot of parents find that going into the bathroom is the best way to do this (although each person should do what works best for them). Whether you go to take a shower or bath or just pretend you need to be in there doing something, often times this gives both the parent and the teenager a "cool off period" and prevents situations from escalating further. Teenagers most often will not bother others when they are in the bathroom with the door closed.

27. Talk to your daughter about what you're seeing and why you're concerned about her. More than likely she'll blow it off and say that you're worrying for nothing and she's fine. Most teenagers don't admit they need help to their parents.

28. Teach your teenage daughter calming techniques during non-emotional times. It is often helpful for parents to talk to their daughters about ways of remaining calmer during times when things are going well. Many parents come up with plans for their teenage daughters where they can ask to be left alone for ten minutes to listen to music and calm down before continuing the conversation. Other parents have worked with their daughters on deep breathing, counting to 10, writing down how they are feeling first before yelling it, etc. These can all be effective if discussed and reviewed during non-emotional times. You know your teen daughter the best and can likely help her find a technique or a couple techniques that will work for her.

29. Use positively discipline. Your troubled daughter expects that you'll yell and discipline when she does something you don't approve of. But positive discipline can be just as effective with teenagers who think they've got you figured out. Parenting experts recommend using positive discipline to teach teens the value of compliments and positive reinforcement. Avoid negative statements, and look for the good in your troubled daughter.

30. Validate. Let your daughter know that you understand she is upset (even if you don't understand why) and that you know it must be difficult for her to be that upset. Sometimes just feeling heard can make a very big difference in how your teenager responds to you. You don't need to agree or fully understand, just acknowledge and validate how she is feeling.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Uncontrollable Anger in Your Teenager

Anger in teens takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of anger (i.e., the behavior) that parents see. Some adolescents may repress their anger and withdraw, while others may be more defiant and destroy property.

Anger is an emotion – not a behavior, and it is usually caused by something going on in the adolescent's life. Treating uncontrollable anger in teens generally involves several types of psychotherapy and training for your teen – as well as for you. Treatment often lasts several months or longer. If your son or daughter has co-existing conditions (e.g., ADHD), medications may help significantly improve symptoms. However, medications alone generally aren't used for anger-related issues unless another disorder co-exists.

Here are 17 crucial tips for dealing with uncontrollable anger in your teenager:

1. At first, your teen probably won't be cooperative or appreciate your changed response to his or her behavior. Expect that you'll have setbacks and relapses, and be prepared with a plan to manage those times. In fact, behavior can temporarily worsen when new limits and expectations are set. However, with perseverance and consistency, the initial hard work often pays off with improved behavior and relationships.

2. Be forgiving. Let go of things that you or your teen did in the past. Start each day with a fresh outlook and a clean slate.

3. Build in time together. Develop a consistent weekly schedule that involves you and your teen spending time together.

4. Assign your teen a household chore that's essential and that won't get done unless the teen does it. Initially, it's important to set your teen up for success with tasks that are relatively easy to achieve and gradually blend in more important and challenging expectations. Give clear, easy-to-follow instructions.

5. Consider individual and family therapy. Individual counseling for your teen may help him or her learn to manage anger and express his or her feelings more healthfully. Family counseling may help improve your communication and relationships, and help members of your family learn how to work together.

6. Employ social skills training. Your teen might benefit from therapy that will help him or her learn how to interact more positively and effectively with peers.

7. Learn ways to calm yourself. Keeping your own cool models the behavior you want from your teen.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

8. Model the behavior you want your teen to have.

9. Pick your battles. Avoid power struggles. Almost everything can turn into a power struggle — if you let it.

10. Recognize and praise your teen's positive behaviors. Be as specific as possible, such as, "I really liked the way you helped wash dishes."

11. Set up a routine. Develop a consistent daily schedule for your teen. Asking your teen to help develop that routine may be beneficial.

12. Set limits and enforce consistent reasonable consequences.

13. Research parent-teen interaction therapy (PCIT). During PCIT, therapists coach moms and dads while they interact with their teenagers. In one approach, the therapist sits behind a one-way mirror and, using an "ear bug" audio device, guides moms and dads through strategies that reinforce their teenager's positive behavior. As a result, parents learn more-effective parenting techniques, the quality of the parent-teen relationship improves, and problem behaviors decrease.

14. Take time for yourself. Develop outside interests, get some exercise and spend some time away from your teen to restore your energy.

15. Try cognitive problem-solving training. This type of therapy is aimed at helping your teen identify and change through patterns that are leading to behavior problems. Collaborative problem-solving — in which you and your teen work together to come up with solutions that work for both of you — can help improve anger-related problems.

16. Work with your spouse or others in your household to ensure consistent and appropriate discipline procedures.

17. Get involved in parent training. A mental health provider with experience treating uncontrollable anger in teens may help you develop skills that will allow you to parent in a way that's more positive and less frustrating for you and your teen. In some cases, your teen may participate in this type of training with you, so that everyone in your family develops shared goals for how to handle problems. As part of parent training, you may learn how to: 

• avoid power struggles;
• establish a schedule for the family that includes specific meals that will be eaten at home together, and specific activities that mom and/or dad will do with the teen;
• give effective timeouts;
• limit consequences to those that can be consistently reinforced and if possible, last for a limited amount of time;
• offer acceptable choices to your teen, giving him or her a certain amount of control;
• recognize and praise your teen's good behaviors and positive characteristics; 
• remain calm and unemotional in the face of opposition, or take your own timeout, if necessary.

Moms and dads must be aware of signs to look for in an angry and aggressive adolescent. It's common for adolescents to fight with their moms and dads, peers and siblings, but certain signs and symptoms are indicative of a bigger problem. When an adolescent appears isolated, spends a lot of time in his or her room, or does not want to participate in typical activities, you may have a reason for concern.

A drop in grades, lack of appetite, sleeplessness or too much sleep is also a sign that an adolescent is troubled. Crying often or constantly finding a reason to argue is also a common trait in an angry adolescent. When an adolescent feels very angry or out of control, aggression can take over. Physical contact, such as pushing or smacking a parent, sibling or peer, is a clear indication that the adolescent needs help.

Although some parent management techniques may seem like common sense, learning to use them in the face of opposition isn't easy, especially if there are other stressors at home. Learning these skills will require consistent practice and patience. Most important in treatment is for you to show consistent, unconditional love and acceptance of your teen — even during difficult and disruptive situations. Don't be too hard on yourself. This process can be tough for even the most patient mother or father.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Tell the Difference Between Normal Rebellion Versus a Psychological Problem

"My seventeen year old daughter is so very angry. She is involved with drugs and has gotten in some legal trouble as well. She is verbally abusive to me and to my husband who is her stepfather. The problem is that other times she is a joy to be around. She is funny, and very bright and creative. I wonder if she may have a psychological problem or may be an opposition defiant child. Not sure what to think right now."

How can a parent tell the difference between normal rebellion and the signal that an adolescent is troubled? Ask yourself these two questions:

1. Is this behavior change drastic for my adolescent? Normal rebellious behavior develops over time, beginning with an adolescent wanting to be with friends more and disagreeing with moms and dads more frequently. Problem rebellion is sudden and drastically out of character. For example, a normally rebellious "A" student may get a few "Bs" and cut a class or two, but if he suddenly starts failing or refuses to go to school, this can be a sign that your adolescent is experiencing an emotional crisis.

2. How frequent and intense is the rebellion? Normal rebellion is sporadic. There are moments of sweetness, calm and cooperation between outbursts. If on the other hand, rebellion is constant and intense, this can be a sign of underlying emotional problems.

Dealing with Normal Rebellion—

The main task of adolescents in our culture is to become psychologically emancipated from their moms and dads. The teenager must cast aside the dependent relationship of childhood. Before she can develop an adult relationship with her moms and dads, the adolescent must first distance herself from the way she related to them in the past. This process is characterized by a certain amount of intermittent normal rebellion, defiance, discontent, turmoil, restlessness, and ambivalence. Emotions usually run high. Mood swings are common. Under the best of circumstances, this adolescent rebellion continues for approximately 2 years; not uncommonly it lasts for 4 to 6 years.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How do I deal with my teenager's rebellion?

The following guidelines may help you and your teenager through this difficult period:

1. Treat your teenager as an adult friend— By the time your youngster is 12 years old, start working on developing the kind of relationship you would like to have with your youngster when she is an adult. Treat your youngster the way you would like her to treat you when she is an adult. Your goal is mutual respect, support, and the ability to have fun together.

Strive for relaxed, casual conversations during bicycling, hiking, shopping, playing catch, driving, cooking, mealtime, working, and other times together. Use praise and trust to help build her self-esteem. Recognize and validate your youngster's feelings by listening sympathetically and making nonjudgmental comments. Remember that listening doesn't mean you have to solve your adolescent's problems. The friendship model is the best basis for family functioning.

2. Avoid criticism about "no-win" topics— Most negative parent-adolescent relationships develop because the moms and dads criticize their teenager too much. Much of the adolescent's objectionable behavior merely reflects conformity with the current tastes of her peer group. Peer-group immersion is one of the essential stages of adolescent development. Dressing, talking, and acting differently than adults helps your youngster feel independent from you. Try not to attack your teen's clothing, hairstyle, makeup, music, dance steps, friends, recreational interests, and room decorations, use of free time, use of money, speech, posture, religion, or philosophy.

This doesn't mean withholding your personal views about these subjects. But allowing your adolescent to rebel in these harmless areas often prevents testing in major areas, such as experimentation with drugs, truancy, or stealing. Intervene and try to make a change only if your teen's behavior is harmful, illegal, or infringes on your rights (see the sections on house rules). Another common error is to criticize your adolescent's mood or attitude. A negative or lazy attitude can only be changed through good example and praise. The more you dwell on nontraditional (even strange) behaviors, the longer they will last.

3. Let society's rules and consequences teach responsibility outside the home— Your teen must learn from trial and error. As she experiments, she will learn to take responsibility for her decisions and actions. Speak up only if the adolescent is going to do something dangerous or illegal. Otherwise, you must rely on the adolescent's own self-discipline, pressure from her peers to behave responsibly, and the lessons learned from the consequences of her actions. A school's requirement for punctual school attendance will influence when your adolescent goes to bed at night. School grades will hold your teen accountable for homework and other aspects of school performance. If your adolescent has bad work habits, she will lose her job.

If your teen makes a poor choice of friends, she may find her confidences broken or that she gets into trouble. If she doesn't practice hard for a sport, she will be pressured by the team and coach to do better. If she misspends her allowance or earnings, she will run out of money before the end of the month. If by chance your teen asks you for advice about these problem areas, try to describe the pros and cons in a brief, impartial way. Ask some questions to help her think about the main risks. Then conclude your remarks with a comment such as, "Do what you think is best." Teens need plenty of opportunity to learn from their own mistakes before they leave home and have to solve problems without an ever-present support system.

4. Clarify the house rules and consequences— You have the right and the responsibility to make rules regarding your house and other possessions. A teen's preferences can be tolerated within her own room, but they need not be imposed on the rest of the house. You can forbid loud music that interferes with other people's activities or incoming telephone calls after 10 p.m.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

While you should make your adolescent's friends feel welcome in your home, clarify the ground rules about parties or where snacks can be eaten. Your adolescent can be placed in charge of cleaning her room, washing his clothes, and ironing his clothes. You can insist upon clean clothes and enough showers to prevent or overcome body odor. You must decide whether you will loan her your car, bicycle, camera, radio, TV, clothes, and so forth. Reasonable consequences for breaking house rules include loss of telephone, TV, stereo, and car privileges. (Time-out is rarely useful in this age group, and physical punishment can escalate to a serious breakdown in your relationship.)

If your teen breaks something, she should repair it or pay for its repair or replacement. If she makes a mess, she should clean it up. If your adolescent is doing poorly in school, you can restrict TV time. You can also put a limit on telephone privileges and weeknights out. If your adolescent stays out too late or doesn't call you when she's delayed, you can ground her for a day or a weekend. In general, grounding for more than a few days is looked upon as unfair and is hard to enforce.

5. Use family conferences for negotiating house rules— Some families find it helpful to have a brief meeting after dinner once a week. At this time your teen can ask for changes in the house rules or bring up family issues that are causing problems. You can also bring up issues (such as your adolescent's demand to drive her to too many places and your need for her help in arranging carpools). The family unit often functions better if the decision-making is democratic. The objective of negotiation should be that both parties win. The atmosphere can be one of: "Nobody is at fault, but we have a problem. How can we solve it?"

6. Give space to a teen who is in a bad mood— Generally when your teen is in a bad mood, she won't want to talk about it with you. If teens want to discuss a problem with anybody, it is usually with a close friend. In general, it is advisable at such times to give your adolescent lots of space and privacy. This is a poor time to talk to your teen about anything, pleasant or otherwise.

7. Use "I" messages for rudeness— Some talking back is normal. We want our teens to express their anger through talking and to challenge our opinions in a logical way. We need to listen. Expect your teen to present her case passionately, even unreasonably. Let the small stuff go — it's only words. But don't accept disrespectful remarks such as calling you a "jerk." Unlike a negative attitude, these mean remarks should not be ignored. You can respond with a comment like, "It really hurts me when you put me down or don't answer my question."

Make your statement without anger if possible. If your adolescent continues to make angry, unpleasant remarks, leave the room. Don't get into a shouting match with your teen because this is not a type of behavior that is acceptable in outside relationships. What you are trying to teach is that everyone has the right to disagree and even to express anger, but that screaming and rude conversation are not allowed in your house. You can prevent some rude behavior by being a role model of politeness, constructive disagreement, and the willingness to apologize.

When should you seek outside assistance?

Get help if:

• you feel your teen's rebellion is excessive
• you find yourself escalating the criticism and punishment
• you have other questions or concerns
• you think your teen is depressed, suicidal, drinking or using drugs, or going to run away
• your family life is seriously disrupted by your teen
• your relationship with your teen does not improve within 3 months after you begin using these approaches
• your teen has no close friends
• your teen is skipping school frequently
• your teen is taking undue risks (for example, reckless driving)
• your teen's outbursts of temper are destructive or violent
• your teen's school performance is declining markedly

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Runaway & Pregnant Daughter

Dear Mark Hutten,

I don't want to alienate my runaway daughter; I don't want to enable her. I haven't seen her since Wednesday morning. She does text me. I can't practice your principles because she's not here to practice them on. I want her to come home at night. When she has the baby, around Thanksgiving, I want to help her raise her and not have her dragging the baby around as she hangs out with whomever. I know where she works, I know approximately where her new lover lives. We own the title on her car. I need specific strategies and approaches, please.

Thank you,

A.

```````````````````

Hi A.,

Runaway teens, seemingly unmanageable, desperate, desolate, lonely AND alone… they run, in one of two directions:

1. Away from something, someone, a bad situation, perceived threat, disciplined unloving and/or abusive, or in more complex cases of troubled teen run-aways a loving home environment where there are for them, in their minds no real future; or maybe in the other direction.

2. Towards something, the unknown, safety, a life where they can live according to their own rules, not answering to anyone else, where they can be independent, make the rules, be their own boss, independence and freedom to do as they please and answer to no-one… the list could go on and on hypothetically speaking.

Teens who run away from home are often crying for attention. Some teens will attempt to run away just once, after an unusually heated argument or situation in the household, and return shortly after. More serious cases, however, happen with teens in extreme emotional turmoil.

Parents also need to be extremely aware of the symptoms, warning signs and dangers of teenage depression. Far too many teens are suffering from this disease and going untreated. Often, runaways feel they have no other choice but to leave their home, and this is in many cases related to their feelings of sadness, anger and frustration due to depression.

Teens who become runaways will have shown symptoms and warning signs prior to running away. Knowing these signs is the first step to prevention; the second is learning how to prevent symptoms all together. Communication is KEY!
Here are concrete prevention tips:

• Always use direct eye contact when speaking.

• Anger is difficult to subside. However, it is important to never raise your voice or yell/scream at your teen, especially when they are already doing so. A battle of strength doesn't get anyone anywhere.

• If both parents are involved in the conversation, it is very important to take turns, rather than gang up on your teen together. Make sure each parent allows time for your teen to speak in between.

• If your teen is demanding or threatening you, be sure to get professional advice or help from a qualified mental health professional.

• Keep a calm demeanor and insist that your teen does as well. Do not respond to their anger, but instead, wait until they are calm.

• Keep in mind that it is possible to agree with your teen, without doing whatever they want you to. For example, you might agree that there are little differences between 17 year-olds and 21 year-olds, but that doesn't mean you agree with having a party serving alcohol at your house.

• Let's say you are sure you understand your teen's point of view and they understand you understand. If you still don't agree with their statement, tell your teen "I think I understand, but I do not agree. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."

• Make sure that you comprehend what your teen is saying, and when you do, let them know. Simply stating "I understand" can go a long way to making your teen feel as though you are respecting their feelings and thoughts, as well as taking them in to consideration.

• NEVER interrupt your teenager when they are speaking or trying to explain their feelings or thoughts. Even if you completely disagree, it is important to wait until they have finished. Keep in mind that just listening and using the words "I understand" does not mean that you agree or will do what they want.

• Never use threats or dare your teen to run away, even if you think they wouldn't do it.

• Refrain from using sarcasm or negativity that may come off as disrespect for your teen.

• Take a break if you get too overwhelmed or upset to continue the conversation with a calm attitude.

• Talk less, slower, and use fewer words than your teen.

• Under no circumstances should you use derogatory names, labels or titles such as liar, childish, immature, untrustworthy, cruel, stupid, ignorant, punk, thief or brat. Continue to be respectful of your teen, even if they have been disrespectful to you.

• When your teen has finished speaking, ask politely if they have anything else they'd like to talk about or share with you.

If your teen runs away—

• Call every one of your teenagers friends. Talk to their parents first, not the friend. Teenagers tend to stick together and will not always tell you the truth. The parents will tell you if they've heard their child talking to yours on the phone and it will also alert them to watch for what their child is doing.

• Call your local Juvenile Detention Officer and ask for their help in finding out your rights concerning what you may or may not do if you find your child yourself.

• Call your local television stations. Many today are more than willing to run stories on missing teens since so many have been lured from home by 'friends' they met online.

• Check any local weeklies and online community papers; they are usually more than willing to help.

• Contact your teenager's friends, their parents, and school staff. Express concern and clearly state your willingness to work out any problems that might exist.

• Do not "storm" a relatively safe place that your child might be staying. If they run out the back door you'll have no idea where they are. They might also run to a less safe harbor.

• Do not threaten the school, friends, or parents. These people may be potential allies. They are the most likely to help if they understand, that you are willing to listen to your child and be open to other perspectives. Even though you're very worried, remain calm. Threatening statements or making accusations only reinforces the notion that you are an unreasonable person. If you have reason to believe that specific individuals are harming your child, pass that information onto the police.

• Go straight to the local authorities, be it police station or sheriff's office. Take with you the flyers you have made up, a copy of the id, color pictures and digital pictures on a floppy. Get in their faces. Do not just make phone calls, be there in person. Drive them nuts until they do something. Make them understand that you are a concerned parent and that you will not let them ignore the fact that YOUR child is missing.

• If your teenager is gone for over 24 hours, or if you have reason to suspect foul play, call the police.

• Make sure they list your runaway in the national database.

• Make sure you follow up and stay in touch with parents and the police. They are your best bet in finding your child and bringing them home.

• Make up one-page flyers that have a clear picture of your child's face and all information you have. Height, weight, age, last seen, etc.

• Post your flyers everywhere kids meet. Phone booths, soda machines, local hangouts, grocery stores, anywhere and everywhere that will let you.

• Put out the word asking that your teenager check in, just to let you know they are safe. You may want to offer an alternative contact of an adult you both know and trust.

• When you get home, call your local paper and ask if they will run a description and picture of your child. Tell them you will either bring them a flyer or email the information. Whichever option they prefer. Beg if you have to.

Regarding teen runaways, know that:

· 40% of runaways return home at their own initiative

· 50% stay within 1-10 miles of home

· 60% percent of runaway episodes last 1-3 days

· Forcing a child to come home without resolving the problem is likely to result in another runaway incident.

· The majority of teenagers who run do so because of a problem they perceive to be unsolvable

I hope this helps,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Motivating Your Child To Do Well In School

"My son was a excellent student in high school used to have awards in Science, Music, and Arts i was so proud as parent and also got high results at GCSE exams mostly A's & A* but since he start college he is under achieving student to the point he failed subjects last year, notice not doing his college work progress report are disappointing, noticed teachers are feed up as i feel the same and today he told me sorry that he is not doing his work my son said to me i do not want to do my work and said i do not know why? My question why my son is feeling this way?"

As young people today are confronted with new and unfamiliar issues when compared with young people in any recent or long-term past, many moms and dads struggle to identify the catalysts or strategies to stimulate and motivate their young people. Today's young people are faced with choices and circumstances their moms and dads didn't face. They live in a world where it requires a security badge to enter a high school…where they compete scholastically with 4.9 G.P.A.s…where classmates cheat using cell phone technology…where world events and economic issues make it scary to contemplate the future. Is it any wonder young people often lack motivation?

==> Join Online Parent Support

As many experts reveal, a loss or lack of motivation in young people is often symptomatic of far greater issues, such as a lack of self-confidence, a lack of esteem, and so forth. To boost young people’ feelings of enthusiasm and drive, moms and dads can consider some expert advice and strategies for support.

Most of the problems of education are problems of motivation...When a youngster is self-motivated, the teacher cannot keep him from learning. Students who lack motivation often display a gap between their abilities and their academic output and effort. While this can appear at a very young age, including many elementary grades and ages, the lack of motivation is most strongly evident as students transition from middle and high school.

As students lose motivation at a young age, their inability to perform and their desire to achieve becomes a learned behavior, as students are labeled as “underachievers,” resulting in a student’s loss of self-esteem and confidence. A highly intelligent teen may be denied entrance into honor classes and urged to take either general or vocational classes because of a lackluster middle school performance. Such a situation easily becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If students lose enthusiasm at a young age, it is imperative that school leaders and moms and dads step in to guide these younger students towards more positive performance early on, as early-intervention can help prevent long-term consequences.

When an adolescent lacks motivation, the end result is often a teen lacking self-confidence, a teen with a bad attitude, or perhaps even a teen with behavior problems. When moms and dads are confronted with issues relating to young people’ behavior and motivation, there are a variety of expert-suggested strategies to help boost students’ performance and attitudes.

Many experts assert that young people are most strongly encouraged and supported when they are forced to motivate themselves. Young people can learn how to motivate themselves by engaging in student clubs, groups, or organizations that foster positive peer influence solutions. For example, some clubs focus on interests that may connect with a teen’s desired future career. In this case, students can determine their interests and goals, and then can simultaneously encounter clearer catalysts that drive their motivation and focus. If a student realizes he/she needs to attend college in order to achieve his/her dream, then the teen may encounter a new self-motivation to strive and succeed in school.

==> Join Online Parent Support

In addition to young people engaging in clubs and activities that stimulate a self-motivation process, there are also many summer camps and teen-based courses (outside of most high school programs) that focus on teaching young people. During such camps, the basics of independent living, such as budgeting, handling a checkbook, obtaining a car loan, finding and maintaining an apartment, using credit wisely, and community participation are taught.

By teaching young people the more important and complex lessons of life after high school, many young people are able to realize how their current choices impact their long-term success. As a result, young people are again able to learn how to self-motivate with the guidance of expert sources and opportunities.

Many public high schools have implemented mentor programs for students, where high-achieving students volunteer to support students who are struggling. Oftentimes these mentors can help fellow young people with homework, or can just serve as a troubled teen’s friend and companion, as a mentor can help a teen to constructively work through problems, discuss issues and pressures that students encounter in and outside of school, and so forth. This avenue is a positive alternative to forcing students to deal with struggles on their own—especially when moms and dads are finding it difficult to connect with their teen.

Moms and dads can also support unmotivated young people by helping their child identify their strengths and abilities. In doing so, moms and dads should simultaneously encourage their teen’s achievements, while supporting their adolescent with enthusiasm and optimism. Adding to this approach, “If we are to motivate adolescents to learn what is in the curriculum, we must honor their learning styles, help them discover their unique abilities, and give them appropriate tools for successful achievement.

==> Join Online Parent Support

5 Teen Behavior Problems & Their Solutions

Is your kid rebelling, defying your curfew, or hanging out with questionable kids? Here's how to nip behavior problems in the bud. To be fair, no one has ever pretended that parenting a kid was going to be easy. Still, until your own kids reach that stage, it's tempting to believe your family will be immune to teen behavior problems. No, you tell yourself, your kid will never talk back, stay out too late or pierce her eyebrow.

Dream on...

Adolescents are basically hard-wired to butt heads with their moms & dads, says Stuart Goldman, MD, director of psychiatric education at Children's Hospital in Boston. "Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively," he explains. "It's the task of the kid to fire their moms & dads and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers."

But that doesn't mean you have to take it lying down. With the right approach, you can troubleshoot the following teen behavior problems in a relatively civilized fashion.

Teen Behavior Problem 1: Your Teen Seems To Hate You

One minute your sweet child is begging you to come on the class trip or to lie down with her while she falls asleep. Then, seemingly overnight, she starts treating you like dirt, discounting everything you say and snickering at your suggestions. If you look closely, you'll see that you've been through this before, when she was a toddler -- only instead of shouting "no!" like a two-year-old would, a kid simply rolls her eyes in disgust.

"It's so hard for moms & dads when this happens," says Nadine Kaslow, PhD, a psychologist specializing in kids and families at Emory University in Atlanta. "But part of adolescence is about separating and individuating, and many kids need to reject their moms & dads in order to find their own identities." Teens focus on their friends more than on their families, which is normal too.

Parent’s solution—

Sometimes moms & dads feel so hurt by their teens' treatment that they respond by returning the rejection -- which is a mistake. "Adolescents know that they still need their moms & dads even if they can't admit it," says Goldman. "The roller-coaster they put you on is also the one they're feeling internally." As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the time a child is 16 or 17.

But no one's saying your teen should be allowed to be truly nasty or to curse at you; when this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior standards. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." By letting your kid know that you're here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he'll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a rare treat.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teen Behavior Problem 2: Communication Devices Rule Their Lives

It's ironic that teenage forms of communication like IM-ing, text-messaging and talking on cell phones make them less communicative, at least with the people they live with. In today's world, though, forbidding all use of electronic devices is not only unrealistic, but unkind. "Being networked with their friends is critical to most teens," says Goldman.

Parent’s solution—

Look at the big picture, advises Susan Bartell, PhD, an adolescent psychologist in New York. If your child is functioning well in school, doing his chores at home and not completely retreating from family life, it's probably best to "lay off." It's also OK to set reasonable limits, such as no "texting" or cell phone calls during dinner. Some moms & dads prefer not to let teens have computers in their rooms, since it makes it harder to supervise computer usage, and this is perfectly reasonable. Many experts also suggest establishing a rule that the computer has to be off at least one hour before bedtime, as a way to ensure that teens get more sleep.

One good way to limit how many minutes your teen spends talking on his cell and texting: Require him to pay his own cell phone bills. And do your best to monitor what your child does when he's online, particularly if he or she is using networking sites like MySpace and Facebook. You still own the home and computer -- so check into parental Internet controls and software to monitor use of any questionable web sites.

Teen Behavior Problem 3: Staying Out Too Late

It's 10:30 p.m. and you told your daughter to be home by 10 p.m. Why does she ignore your curfew again and again?

"Part of what teens do is test limits," explains Goldman. "But the fact is that they actually want limits, so moms & dads need to keep setting them."

Parent’s solution—

Do some research before insisting that your child respect your curfew because it's possible that yours is unreasonable. Call a few of your kids' friends' moms & dads and find out when they expect their kids home. Goldman suggests giving kids a 10-minute grace period, and if they defy that, to set consequences -- such as no going out at night for a week.

If it seems like your child is staying out late because she's up to no good, or doesn't feel happy at home, then you need to talk with her and figure out what might be going on. However, if your curfew is in line with what what's typical in your teen's crowd, then it's time to set consequences and then enforce them if your teen continues to break your rules. When you make a rule, you have to mean it. You can't bluff adolescents -- they will always call you on it.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teen Behavior Problem 4: Hanging Out with Kids You Don't Like

You wince every time your son traipses through the door with his greasy-haired, noisy buddies. Should you suck it up, or say something?

Parent’s solution--

Kids can wear weird clothes, pierce their lips, act rudely and still be decent kids, says Bartell, who advises moms & dads to hold off on criticizing something as superficial as fashion in their kids' friends. "Adolescents are so attached to their friends that it's like criticizing them directly."

On the other hand, if you know that your child has taken up with a group of troubled teens who skip school and do drugs, a talk is in order. "Without putting him on the defensive, tell your child you're concerned about who he's hanging out with and that you're worried he's doing drugs," says Bartell. While you can't forbid your child to hang around with certain kids, you can intervene and try to nip dangerous behaviors in the bud. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help about hanging out with a crowd engaged in negative behavior. Counseling or family therapy can help.

Teen Behavior Problem 5: Everything's a Drama

Every little thing seems to set your daughter off lately, and the more you try to help, the more she sobs or shouts or slams the door.

Part of being a kid is feeling things intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is hugely important to her.

Parent’s solution—

Moms & dads tend to trivialize the importance of things in adolescents' lives, says Bartell: "What happens is that kids feel misunderstood, and eventually they will stop telling you anything. Right now it is the most important thing in the world that her best friend is flirting with her boyfriend, and you need to take it seriously."

Don't offer advice, disparage her friends or try to minimize it by saying that one day she'll see how silly high school romances are. "Just listen and sympathize," says Bartell. And put yourself in her position -- because, after all, you were once there yourself.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Defiant Behavior versus Normal Teenage Rebellion

Many families of defiant teens live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur because teens are naturally rebellious, to a degree. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. 

 

We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our teenager. But what does it cost us?

There is a significant difference between normal teenage rebellion versus defiance:

• Defiant teens are destructive and disagreeable by nature
• They like to push their parents' anger-buttons
• Every request results in a power struggle
• Lying is a daily habit, and stealing is a favorite hobby
• Getting others to react strongly pleases and amuses them
• They blame others for their mistakes and misbehavior
• And they have no remorse for the hurtful things they say and do

The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a defiant child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent -- are the one with the problem. Parents of defiant teens are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive. Where does that leave a parent?

Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of her/his teenager.

Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of the defiant teen -- he/she sees YOU, the parent, as the enemy. Small expectations on the parent's part can set the defiant teen off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.

Your home becomes a war-zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities -- and your own sanity. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your troubled teen. You want him/her to have a fulfilling life and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.

In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous effects on our well-being, literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.

In parenting a defiant teenager, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope.

The strains a defiant teen puts on your family can be enormous.

Effects on the family:

• A defiant teen will play one parent off the other, which could result in  a rift between parents.
• Dreams of the perfect, loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a family with a defiant child can become quite dysfunctional.
• Due to the child’s disruptive behavior, parents often withdraw from social functions.
• Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration.
• Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with defiant children.
• Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened.
• Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the defiant child takes up so much of the parent’s time.

Defiant teens are not bad -- but they are very intense.  And they seek intensity from others as well -- especially their parents!

Unfortunately, they have discovered that their parents are the most intense and exciting when things are going wrong.  What parents may have viewed as punishment for their defiant child was actually a reward (i.e., he/she received a bigger payoff for misbehavior).

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Quick Tips for Regaining Control of Your Out-of-Control Teenager

The adolescent years are notoriously difficult to navigate, which can create a nightmare for moms and dads whose teenagers are out-of-control. Whether your son or daughter is lying, stealing, doing drugs, or acting defiantly – you CAN resolve these issues with the proper strategies. 

Here are some quick tips on how to regain control:

1. First of all, YOU have to take care of YOU. Dealing with out-of-control teenage behaviors is very stressful. Build in some time for social support and recreation each week so that you can recharge your batteries and feel refreshed and motivated to continue on.

2. Come up with a plan on how you will hold your teenager accountable. What will you do if he does not meet your expectations?  How will you respond? In the heat of the moment, it’s most effective to state your expectations – and then walk away. Then after things have calmed down, do some “problem solving” and give a consequence if the situation calls for it.

3. Don’t over-negotiate. If you over-negotiate with an adolescent that is trying to be the boss, you're giving her the message that she's your equal. Soon she’ll start bargaining with you in order to behave appropriately.

4. Expect setbacks. Change is a slow process. Be patient and take one day at a time. Things will get better, but your teenager will still make mistakes along the way – it’s the way he learns. Start with a fresh slate each day and stay positive.

5. Expect your adolescent to react strongly to the new structure you impose as soon as you establish it. Adolescents do not give up power easily.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Find a support group for moms and dads of troubled adolescents. Listening to the struggles and solutions of other parents will make you feel less alone and will give you strength to face challenging situations at home.

7. Find out everything you can about your adolescent. Adolescents are experts at hiding what they don't want you to know about, and many times moms and dads are experts at turning the other way and ignoring unacceptable behaviors in hopes that they will get better on their own. Although checking up on your adolescent may feel like spying, and snooping through his backpack may feel like an invasion of his privacy, it is your job as a mother or father to know what your adolescent is up to so that you can protect him. Talk to his teachers, friends and siblings to get another perspective on your teen. Have regular discussions with him about his life. Listen carefully – without interruption – to what he says, and try to understand what he is feeling. Remember that adolescents feel things much more intensely than grown-ups. Don't discount strong feelings simply because they don't make sense to you.

8. If everyone understands what the rules are, the chances of your teenager following those rules increase. Thus, write up a behavior contract with your adolescent. If something is written down on paper, it becomes more real. The contract should clearly define what she has to do in certain key areas. If she complies with the contract, she will be rewarded (be sure to outline what those rewards will be). If she does NOT comply with the contract, she will receive appropriate consequences (be sure to outline what those consequences will be).

9. If the problems seem too big for you to handle, seek support elsewhere. This is not a sign of weakness, rather it is a sign of resourcefulness, commitment to change, and a good way to add another tool to your parenting toolbox.

10. If you have more than one teenager in the house and want to regain control over ALL of them, you will need to first regain control of the “dominant” teen. Even though his siblings may be acting out as well, your “alpha teen” is causing the imbalance in authority; thus, he is the one you have to manage initially. Of course, you have to hold your other teens accountable for their poor choices, but your main priority should be to address the behavior of the dominant teen (e.g., give him consequences that he can't undermine, then be firm and follow through with them).

11. If your teen is severely out-of-control, consider making an appointment with a mental health professional to rule out disorders such as ADHD, depression or anxiety. These disorders and others like them can prevent your adolescent from reaching his full potential and leave him feeling frustrated, stressed-out and unable to live a happy life. Medication to control these disorders can make an enormous difference in your adolescent's attitude and general well-being, and may put an end to any related behavioral problems.

12. Know that lectures and speeches aren’t effective. Instead, have conversations that are focused on what your teenager’s responsibilities are, and how she can meet them.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

13. Know the difference between motivating your adolescent with a “reward system” versus “bargaining.” When you’re bargaining with her, she’s often wearing you down until you give in (e.g., you may end up saying, “Okay, as long as you don’t drink any alcohol, you can go to that party”). On the other hand, when you're rewarding her, it's clear that you're the one with the authority giving out the reward.

14. Know what your expectations are and write them down for future reference. Also, make sure you are able to communicate your expectations in clear terms. 

15. Moms and dads need to partner together and come up with a game plan that outlines how they will deal with their adolescent as a team. Develop a plan that you are both comfortable with. Have a “parent’s-meeting” and get clear about your unified message before presenting it to your teenager. The mother and father that can't get on the same page about how to hold their adolescent accountable will end up creating a vacuum in power (which their out-of-control adolescent will only be too happy to fill).

16. Parenting classes and therapists in your local area can be a big help if you are struggling to regain control of your teen’s behavior.

17. Refrain from making excuses for your teen’s attitude and be honest with yourself regarding her behavior. It's easier to overlook a few lies or turn the other way when you know your adolescent is engaging in risky behavior than it is to confront her and meet challenges head on. But without your strict guidance and intervention, these behaviors will only get worse.

18. Remember that your journey toward more effective parenting will start with just one step.

19. Reward positive behavior in your teenager whenever you see it (e.g., “Hey, I noticed you put your dirty laundry in the clothes hamper – great job!”).

20. Lastly, when attempting to address behavioral issues, simply focus on your top 3 concerns. What behavioral problems are causing the most chaos in your home? Choose the 3 most problematic concerns and write them down. Your list might look something like this: “(1) refuses to do homework, (2) picks on his younger brother, and (3) slams his bedroom door really hard when he’s mad.” Then rank your top 3 concerns in order of priority. The top issue on the list is where you put your main focus for now. The other 2 issues can wait until you have more time and energy. Working on just one thing is enough for now. Keep it simple.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parents' Troubleshooting Guide for Teen Behavior Issues

Is your adolescent rebelling, defying your curfew, or hanging out with questionable kids? Here's how to nip behavior problems in the bud:

To be fair, no one has ever pretended that parenting an adolescent was going to be easy. Still, until your own kids reach that stage, it's tempting to believe your family will be immune to teen behavior problems. No, you tell yourself, your adolescent will never talk back, stay out too late or pierce her eyebrow. Dream on...

Adolescents are basically hard-wired to butt heads with their moms and dads. Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively. It's the task of the adolescent to fire their moms and dads and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers. But that doesn't mean you have to take it lying down. With the right approach, you can troubleshoot the following teen behavior problems in a relatively civilized fashion.

Behavior Problem 1:

Your Teen Seems To Hate You—

One minute your sweet youngster is begging you to come on the class trip or to lie down with her while she falls asleep. Then, seemingly overnight, she starts treating you like dirt, discounting everything you say and snickering at your suggestions. If you look closely, you'll see that you've been through this before, when she was a toddler -- only instead of shouting "no!" like a two-year-old would, an adolescent simply rolls her eyes in disgust.

It's so hard for moms and dads when this happens. But part of adolescence is about separating and individuating, and many kids need to reject their moms and dads in order to find their own identities. Teens focus on their friends more than on their families, which is normal too.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

Your Solution—

Sometimes moms and dads feel so hurt by their teens' treatment that they respond by returning the rejection -- which is a mistake. Adolescents know that they still need their moms and dads even if they can't admit it. The roller-coaster they put you on is also the one they're feeling internally. As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the time a youngster is 16 or 17.

But no one's saying your teen should be allowed to be truly nasty or to curse at you. When this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior standards. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." By letting your adolescent know that you're here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he'll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a rare treat.

Behavior Problem 2:

Communication Devices Rule Their Lives—

It's ironic that teenage forms of communication like IM-ing, text-messaging and talking on cell phones make them less communicative, at least with the people they live with. In today's world, though, forbidding all use of electronic devices is not only unrealistic, but unkind. Being networked with their friends is critical to most teens.

Your Solution—

Look at the big picture. If your youngster is functioning well in school, doing his chores at home and not completely retreating from family life, it's probably best to "lay off." It's also OK to set reasonable limits, such as no "texting" or cell phone calls during dinner. Some moms and dads prefer not to let teens have computers in their rooms, since it makes it harder to supervise computer usage, and this is perfectly reasonable. Many experts also suggest establishing a rule that the computer has to be off at least one hour before bedtime, as a way to ensure that teens get more sleep.

One good way to limit how many minutes your teen spends talking on his cell and texting: Require him to pay his own cell phone bills. And do your best to monitor what your youngster does when he's online, particularly if he is using networking sites like Facebook. You still own the home and computer -- so check into parental Internet controls and software to monitor use of any questionable web sites.

Behavior Problem 3:

Staying Out Too Late—

It's 10:30 p.m. and you told your daughter to be home by 10 p.m. Why does she ignore your curfew again and again? Part of what teens do is test limits. But the fact is that they actually want limits, so moms and dads need to keep setting them.

Your Solution—

Do some research before insisting that your youngster respect your curfew because it's possible that yours is unreasonable. Call a few parents of your teen's friends and find out when they expect their kids home. I suggest giving kids a 10-minute grace period, and if they defy that, to set consequences -- such as no going out at night for a week.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

If it seems like your youngster is staying out late because she's up to no good, or doesn't feel happy at home, then you need to talk with her and figure out what might be going on. However, if your curfew is in line with what what's typical in your teen's crowd, then it's time to set consequences and then enforce them if your teen continues to break your rules. When you make a rule, you have to mean it. You can't bluff adolescents -- they will always call you on it.

Behavior Problem 4:

Hanging Out with Kids You Don't Like—

You wince every time your son blasts through the front door with his greasy-haired, noisy buddies. Should you suck it up, or say something?

Your Solution—

Kids can wear weird clothes, pierce their lips, act rudely and still be decent kids. Moms and dads should hold off on criticizing something as superficial as fashion in their kids' friends. Adolescents are so attached to their friends that it's like criticizing them directly.

On the other hand, if you know that your youngster has taken up with a group of troubled teens who skip school and do drugs, a talk is in order. Without putting him on the defensive, tell your youngster you're concerned about who he's hanging out with and that you're worried he's doing drugs. While you can't forbid your youngster to hang around with certain kids, you can intervene and try to nip dangerous behaviors in the bud. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help about hanging out with a crowd engaged in negative behavior. Counseling or family therapy can help.

Behavior Problem 5:

Everything's a Drama—

Every little thing seems to set your daughter off lately, and the more you try to help, the more she sobs or shouts or slams the door. Part of being an adolescent is feeling things intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is hugely important to her.

Your Solution—

Moms and dads tend to trivialize the importance of things in adolescents' lives. What happens is that kids feel misunderstood, and eventually they will stop telling you anything. Right now it is the most important thing in the world that her best friend is flirting with her boyfriend, and you need to take it seriously.

Don't offer advice, disparage her friends or try to minimize it by saying that one day she'll see how silly high school romances are. Just listen and sympathize. And put yourself in her position -- because, after all, you were once there yourself.

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