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How to Help Your Teenager Avoid Alcohol and Drugs

"Any thoughts on how to get a 17 year old to stop using drugs? He's headed for prison if he doesn't change his ways soon! He's already on probation through juvenile court."

Adolescents who experiment with alcohol and drugs put their health and safety at risk. Parents can help prevent adolescent alcohol/drug abuse by talking to their sons and daughters about the consequences of using harmful substances and the importance of making healthy choices.

Various factors can contribute to adolescent alcohol/drug abuse, from insecurity to a desire for social acceptance. Adolescents often feel indestructible and might not consider the consequences of their actions, leading them to take dangerous risks like abusing alcohol and legal/illegal drugs.

Common risk factors for adolescent alcohol/drug abuse include:
  • academic failure
  • alcohol and drug availability
  • belief that alcohol/drug abuse is OK 
  • early aggressive or impulsive behavior 
  • family history of substance abuse 
  • feelings of social rejection 
  • history of traumatic events (e.g., experiencing a car accident, being a victim of abuse)
  • lack of nurturing by mom or dad
  • low self-esteem
  • mental or behavioral health condition (e.g., depression, anxiety, ADHD) 
  • poor social coping skills
  • relationships with peers who drink alcohol or use drugs

Negative consequences of adolescent alcohol/drug abuse might include:
  • Sexual activity. Adolescents who abuse alcohol and drugs are more likely to have poor judgment, which can result in unplanned and unsafe sex.
  • Serious health problems. Abuse of prescription or over-the-counter medications can cause respiratory distress and seizures. Chronic use of inhalants can harm the heart, lungs, liver and kidneys. Ecstasy can cause liver damage and heart failure. High doses of or chronic use of methamphetamine can cause psychotic behavior.
  • Impaired driving. Driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs impairs a driver's motor skills, reaction time and judgment, thus putting the driver, her passengers, and others on the road at risk.
  • Drug dependence. Adolescents who abuse alcohol and drugs are at increased risk of serious dependency later in life. 
  • Concentration problems. Some drugs (e.g., marijuana) affect an adolescent's memory, motivation, and ability to learn.

It may seem difficult to talk to your adolescent about alcohol/drug abuse. Start by choosing a comfortable time and setting when you're unlikely to be interrupted. If you're nervous about discussing the topic, share your feelings with your adolescent. You might also consider sharing the responsibility with another nurturing adult in your adolescent's life.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Here are some tips for talking with your adolescent about alcohol and drugs:
  • Discuss ways to resist peer pressure. Brainstorm with your adolescent about how to turn down offers to drink alcohol or use drugs.
  • Discuss reasons not to abuse alcohol or drugs. Avoid scare tactics. Emphasize how alcohol/drug use can affect things important to your adolescent (e.g., sports, driving, health, appearance, etc.). Explain that even an adolescent can develop an alcohol or drug problem.
  • Consider media messages. Some television programs, movies, websites or songs glamorize or trivialize alcohol/drug use. Talk about what your adolescent has seen or heard. 
  • Be ready to discuss your own alcohol or drug use. Think ahead about how you'll respond if your adolescent asks about your own alcohol or drug use. If you chose not to use alcohol or drugs, explain why. If you did drink alcohol or use drugs, share what the experience taught you.
  • Ask your adolescent's views. Avoid long, boring lectures. Instead, listen to your adolescent's opinions and questions about alcohol/drug use. Observe your adolescent's nonverbal responses to see how he or she feels about the topic. Encourage your adolescent to talk by making statements instead of asking questions. For example, saying, "I'm interested in your opinion" might work better than "What do you think?"

Don't be afraid that talking about alcohol/drug abuse will plant ideas in your adolescent's head. Conversations about alcohol and drugs won't tempt your adolescent to try these chemicals. Instead, talking about it lets your adolescent know your views and understand what you expect of him or her.

In addition to talking to your adolescent, consider other strategies to prevent adolescent alcohol/drug abuse:
  • Set a good example. Don't abuse substances yourself.
  • Provide support. Offer praise and encouragement when your adolescent succeeds, whether at school or at home. A strong bond between you and your adolescent might help prevent him from abusing alcohol and drugs. 
  • Know your adolescent's peers. If your adolescent's friends abuse alcohol or drugs, she might feel pressure to experiment, too. Get to know your adolescent's friends and their moms and dads.
  • Know your adolescent's activities. Pay attention to your adolescent's whereabouts. Find out what adult-supervised activities he is interested in and encourage him to get involved.
  • Keep an eye on prescription drugs. Take an inventory of all prescription and over-the-counter medications in your home and keep them out of easily accessible places (e.g., the medicine cabinet). If your adolescent needs to take prescription medication during school hours, it should be dispensed by the school nurse.
  • Establish rules and consequences. Make it clear that you won't tolerate alcohol or drug abuse. Rules might include leaving a party where alcohol drinking and drug use occurs and not riding in a car with a driver who's been using any substances. Agree on the consequences of breaking the rules ahead of time — and enforce them consistently.

Be aware of possible red flags, such as:
  • An unusual chemical or medicine smell on your adolescent or in her room
  • Drug paraphernalia in your adolescent's room
  • Hostile or uncooperative attitude
  • Loss of interest in hobbies or family activities
  • Medicine containers, despite a lack of illness
  • Secrecy about actions or possessions
  • Stealing money or an unexplained need for money
  • Sudden or extreme change in friends, eating habits, sleeping patterns, physical appearance, coordination or school performance

If you suspect that your adolescent is abusing alcohol or drugs, talk to him. Avoid accusations. Instead, ask your adolescent what's going on in his life and encourage him to be honest. If your adolescent admits to abusing drugs, let him know that you're disappointed. Enforce the consequences you've established and explain to your adolescent ways that he can help regain your lost trust (e.g., being home by curfew, improving grades, etc.). 


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Preventing Alcohol Abuse in Your Teenager

Adolescents are particularly vulnerable to alcohol use. The physical changes of puberty might make your adolescent feel self-conscious and more likely to take risks to fit in or please others. Also, your adolescent might have trouble understanding that his actions can have adverse consequences. Common risk factors for underage drinking include:
  • History of behavior problems or mental health conditions
  • Family problems (e.g., marital conflict, parental alcohol abuse, etc.)
  • Increased stress at home or school
  • Transitions (e.g., the move from middle school to high school, getting a driver's license, etc.)

Whatever causes an adolescent to drink, the consequences may be the same. For example, underage drinking can lead to:
  • Stunted development: Research shows that alcohol use may permanently distort an adolescent's emotional and intellectual development.
  • Sexual activity: Adolescents that drink tend to become sexually active earlier and have sex more often than do adolescents who don't drink. Adolescents that drink are also more likely to have unprotected sex than are adolescents who don't drink.
  • School problems: Adolescents that drink tend to have more academic and conduct problems than do adolescents who don't drink. Also, drinking can lead to temporary or permanent suspension from sports and other extracurricular activities.
  • Being a victim of violent crime: Alcohol-related crimes can include rape, assault and robbery.
  • Alcohol-related fatalities: Alcohol-related accidents are a leading cause of adolescent deaths. Drowning, suicides and murders also have been linked with alcohol use.
  • Alcoholism: Individuals who begin drinking as adolescents are more likely to develop alcohol dependence than are those who wait until they're grown-ups to drink.

To increase your odds of having a meaningful discussion about alcohol abuse, choose a time when you and your adolescent are relaxed. Don't worry about covering everything at once. If you talk often, you might have a greater impact on your adolescent than if you have only a single discussion.  When you talk about underage drinking, you might include the following:

1. Ask your adolescent's views. Find out what your adolescent knows and thinks about alcohol.

2. Be prepared to discuss your own drinking. Your adolescent might ask if you drank alcohol when you were underage. If you chose not to drink, explain why. If you chose to drink, you might share an example of a negative consequence of your drinking. If you drink today, be prepared to talk about why social drinking is OK for you and not for your adolescent.

3. Debunk myths. Adolescents often think that drinking makes them popular or happy. Explain that alcohol can make you feel "high" but it's a depressant that also can cause sadness and anger.

4. Develop a strong relationship with your adolescent. Your support will help your adolescent build the self-esteem she needs to stand up to peer pressure and live up to your expectations.

5. Discuss reasons not to drink alcohol. Avoid scare tactics. Instead, explain the risks and appeal to your adolescent's self-respect. If you have a family history of alcoholism or drinking problems, be honest with your adolescent. Strongly discourage your adolescent from trying alcohol — even as an grown-up — since there's a considerable chance that your adolescent could develop an alcohol problem, too.

6. Encourage healthy friendships. If your adolescent's friends drink alcohol, he is more likely to drink, too. Get to know your adolescent's friends and their moms and dads.

7. Establish rules and consequences. Rules might include no underage drinking, leaving parties where alcohol is served, and not riding in a car with a driver who's been drinking. Agree on the consequences of breaking the rules ahead of time, and enforce them consistently.

8. Watch for signs of alcohol drinking and issue immediate consequences. If you suspect that your adolescent has been drinking (e.g., you've noticed mood changes or behavior problems, your adolescent has red or glazed eyes or unusual health complaints), then talk to her. Enforce the consequences you've established so that your adolescent understands that using alcohol will always result in a loss of privileges.

9. Know your adolescent's activities. Pay attention to your adolescent's plans and whereabouts. Encourage participation in supervised after-school and weekend activities.

10. Plan ways to handle peer pressure. Brainstorm with your adolescent about how to respond to offers of alcohol. It might be as simple as saying, "No thanks" or "Do you have any Mountain Dew?"

11. Set an example. If you drink, do so only in moderation and explain to your adolescent why it's OK for grown-ups to drink responsibly. Describe the rules you follow (e.g., not drinking and driving). Don't serve alcohol to anyone who's underage.

12. Share facts. Explain that alcohol is a powerful drug that slows the body and mind, and that anyone can develop an alcohol problem — even an adolescent without risk factors for alcohol abuse.

If you think your adolescent might have a drinking problem, contact the doctor or a counselor who specializes in alcohol problems. Adolescents that have alcohol problems aren't likely to realize it or seek help on their own.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Help Your Child Make Responsible Choices Regarding Alcohol Use

Mark, As a responsible, caring parent, I want my children to make responsible choices regarding alcohol use that are consistent with my beliefs and values. But it’s not a simple issue. We have alcohol in our home and with meals, but don’t want the kids to drink before they are adults. In the midst of these issues, our children see and hear numerous ads that promote alcohol. They may be curious, and—particularly as they grow older—face pressure from their peers to drink. How do you deal with this issue in a positive, healthy way? T. C.

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By the time they graduate from high school, half of adolescents report consuming alcohol regularly. One-third report binge drinking. The greatest increase in alcohol usage occurs between grades 6 and 10. Good news: many young people do not consume alcohol. Fifty-five percent of middle and high school-aged students say that it is against their values to drink alcohol while they are adolescents.

Helping kids steer clear of alcohol involves more than simply warning them of the dangers (though that is important as well). It involves getting at the heart of asset-building to help them feel safe, supported, and free to talk about anything on their minds. And it involves building a strong relationship with your kids early and nurturing their personal values and skills to help them make smart decisions.

Suggestions:

Stay Involved—

• Have a Plan — As your adolescent gains more independence, negotiate a plan for what you will do if he or she is in a difficult alcohol-related situation. Make safety a top priority. Make sure your youngster knows that you will provide a “no-questions-asked-until-later” ride home from any party at which they feel uncomfortable.

• Keep Your Youngster Involved — Being active in youth clubs, school activities, religious activities and other caring environments with adult role models offers important reinforcements for your positive messages at home.

• Monitor — Keep track of where your adolescents go and who they are with. If they go to a party, check in advance whether an adult will be actively present and whether alcohol will be available.

• Set Consequences — Be clear about any consequences of underage drinking before there is a problem. However, do not make the consequences so serious that your teen will not ask for help if they are in serious trouble or need a safe ride home.

Communicate—

• Be Honest — Be honest about your own alcohol use. If you drank as an adolescent, share why you believe it was a poor choice.

• Be Proactive — Do not just wait for your kids to bring up alcohol or drinking. Use news stories, ads, personal incidents, and other opportunities to raise the issue—before it becomes a crisis.

• Share What You Believe — Be clear about your values and expectations regarding alcohol use and why you hold those values and expectations.

• Talk — Maintain open and honest communication. Help your kids feel comfortable talking with you about important and difficult topics.

Think About Community—

• Connect — Talk with other moms & dads about your values and concerns. Discuss what you expect from your kids and encourage them to set boundaries with your kids when needed. If you are struggling with issues, ask them for advice and support.

• Do Not Be Part of the Problem — Never purchase alcohol for young people or provide alcohol to a party for adolescents, no matter what the occasion.

Teach—

• Maintain Perspective — If your kids try alcohol, address the issue directly, but do not assume that they are “beyond hope.” Use it as an opportunity to help them learn from mistakes. However, if the problems persist or become more serious, seek professional support and help.

• Model — Model restraint in your own life. If you drink, use moderation. If you or your partner struggles with alcohol use, seek professional help.

• Teach — Help your kids develop skills to resist pressure to use alcohol. Do this by giving them opportunities to make decisions and be responsible, starting when they are very young. Role play with your youngster to teach them how they can say no along with other options they have when they’re under pressure.

Children and Alcohol Drinking

Research has shown that nearly 80% of high school children have tried alcohol.

As much as moms and dads may not like to think about it, the truth is that many children and adolescents try alcohol during their high school and college years, long before it's legal for them to drink it. Research has shown that nearly 80% of high school children have tried alcohol.

Although experimentation with alcohol may be common among children, it's not safe or legal. So it's important to start discussing alcohol use and abuse with your children at an early age and keep talking about it as they grow up.

Alcohol interferes with a child's perception of reality and ability to make good decisions. This can be particularly hazardous for children and adolescents who have less problem-solving and decision-making experience.

Short-term effects of drinking include:
  • altered perceptions and emotions
  • bad breath
  • distorted vision, hearing, and coordination
  • hangovers
  • impaired judgment, which can lead to accidents, drowning, and other risky behaviors like unsafe sex and drug use

Long-term effects include:
  • an increased risk of impotence
  • cirrhosis and cancer of the liver
  • heart and central nervous system damage
  • high risk for overdosing
  • loss of appetite
  • memory loss
  • serious vitamin deficiencies
  • stomach ailments

Long before your children are presented with a chance to drink alcohol, you can increase the chances that they'll just say "no." Childhood is a time of learning and discovery, so it's important to encourage children to ask questions, even ones that might be hard to answer. Open, honest, age-appropriate communication now sets the stage for your children to come to you later with other difficult topics or problems.

The later elementary school years are a crucial time in which you can influence your youngster's decisions about alcohol use. Children at this age tend to love to learn facts, especially strange ones, and are eager to learn how things work and what sources of information are available to them. So it's a good time to openly discuss facts about alcohol: its long- and short-term effects and consequences, its physical effects, and why it's especially dangerous for growing bodies.

Children also can be heavily influenced by friends now. Their interests may be determined by what their peers think. So teach your youngster to say "no" to peer-pressure, and discuss the importance of thinking and acting as an individual.

Casual discussions about alcohol and peers can take place at the dinner table as part of your normal conversation: "I've been reading about young children using alcohol. Do you ever hear about children using alcohol or other drugs in your school?"

By the adolescent years, your children should know the facts about alcohol and your attitudes and beliefs about substance abuse. So use this time to reinforce what you've already taught them and focus on keeping the lines of communication open.

Adolescents are more likely to engage in risky behaviors, and their increasing need for independence may make them want to defy their moms and dads' wishes or instructions. But if you make your adolescent feel accepted and respected as an individual, you increase the chances that your youngster will try to be open with you.

Children want to be liked and accepted by their friends, and they need a certain degree of privacy and trust. Avoid excessive preaching and threats, and instead, emphasize your love and concern. Even when they're annoyed by parental interest and questions, adolescents still recognize that it comes with the territory.

Teach children a variety of approaches to deal with offers of alcohol:
  • Encourage them to ask questions. If a drink of any kind is offered, they should ask, "What is it?" and "Where did you get it?"
  • Remind them to leave any uncomfortable situation. Make sure they have money for transportation or a phone number where you or another responsible adult can be reached.
  • Teach children never to accept a ride from someone who has been drinking. Some moms and dads find that offering to pick up their children from an uncomfortable situation — no questions asked — helps encourage children to be honest and call when they need help.
  • Teach them to say "no, thanks" when the drink offered is an alcoholic one.

Times of transition, such as the onset of puberty or a moms and dads' divorce, can lead children to alcohol use. So teach your children that even when life is upsetting or stressful, drinking alcohol as an escape can make a bad situation much worse.

Children who have problems with self-control or low self-esteem are more likely to abuse alcohol. They may not believe that they can handle their problems and frustrations without using something to make them feel better.

Children without a sense of connectedness with their families or who feel different in some way (appearance, economic circumstances, etc.) may also be at risk. Those who find it hard to believe in themselves desperately need the love and support of moms and dads or other family members.

In fact, not wanting to harm the relationships between themselves and the adults who care about them is the most common reason that young people give for not using alcohol and other drugs.

Fortunately, moms and dads can do much to protect their children from using and abusing alcohol:
  • Be a good role model. Consider how your use of alcohol or medications may influence your children. Consider offering only nonalcoholic beverages at parties and other social events to show your children that you don't need to drink to have fun.
  • Educate yourself about alcohol so you can be a better teacher. Read and collect information that you can share with children and other moms and dads.
  • Teach children to manage stress in healthy ways, such as by seeking help from a trusted adult or engaging in a favorite activity.
  • Try to be conscious of how you can help build your youngster's self-esteem. For example, children are more likely to feel good about themselves if you emphasize their strengths and positively reinforce healthy behaviors.

Despite your efforts, your youngster may still use — and abuse — alcohol. How can you tell?

Here are some common warning signs:
  • alcohol disappearing from your home
  • association with a new group of friends and reluctance to introduce them to you
  • change in attendance or performance at school
  • depression and developmental difficulties
  • discipline problems at school
  • loss of interest in school, sports, or other activities
  • secrecy
  • sudden change in mood or attitude
  • the odor of alcohol
  • withdrawal from family and friends

It's important not to jump to conclusions based on only one or two signs. Adolescence is a time of change — physically, socially, emotionally, and intellectually. This can lead to erratic behavior and mood swings as children try to cope with all of these changes.

If your youngster is using alcohol, there will usually be a cluster of these signs, like changes in friends, behavior, dress, attitude, mood, and grades. If you see a number of changes, look for all explanations by talking to your children, but don't overlook substance abuse as a possibility.

Other tips to try:
  • Always make sure you have a phone number where you can reach your youngster.
  • Have children check in regularly when they're away from home.
  • Keep tabs on where your children go.
  • Know the moms and dads of your youngster's friends.
  • When spending an extended length of time away from you, your youngster should check in periodically with a phone call, e-mail, or visit home.

For adolescents, especially those old enough to drive, consider negotiating and signing a behavioral contract. This contract should spell out the way you expect your youngster to behave and state the consequences if your adolescent drives under the influence. Follow through and take the keys away, if necessary.

Make part of the deal with your adolescent that you and the rest of your family also agree never to drink and drive. Also encourage responsible behaviors, such as planning for a designated driver or calling an adult for help rather than driving under the influence.

It's important to keep communication open and expectations reasonable. Tying responsible actions to freedoms such as a later curfew or a driver's license can be a powerful motivator. Teach your children that freedom only comes with responsibility — a lesson that should last a lifetime.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

Teens’ Abuse of Drugs, Alcohol and Tobacco: What Parents Can Do

***Help your adolescent avoid drugs***

Many teenagers experiment with drugs, putting their health and safety at risk — but adolescent drug abuse isn't inevitable. You can help prevent adolescent drug abuse by talking to your adolescent about the consequences of using drugs and the importance of making healthy choices.

Why teenagers abuse drugs—

Various factors may contribute to adolescent drug abuse, from insecurity and self-doubt to a desire for social acceptance. Teenagers often feel indestructible and may not consider the consequences of their actions, leading them to take potentially dangerous risks — such as abusing legal or illegal drugs.

Common risk factors for adolescent drug abuse include:
  • A family history of substance abuse
  • Depression
  • Drug availability
  • Early aggressive behavior
  • Feelings of social rejection
  • Lack of parental supervision
  • Low self-esteem
  • Poverty

Consequences of adolescent drug abuse—

Adolescent drug abuse can have a number of negative consequences, including:
  • Concentration problems. Use of drugs, such as marijuana, may affect the parts of the brain that control memory, motivation, attention and learning — making it more difficult to learn and perform complex tasks.
  • Drug dependence. Teenagers who abuse drugs are at increased risk of serious drug use later in life.
  • Impaired driving. Driving under the influence of any drug can impair a driver's motor skills, reaction time and judgment — putting the driver, his or her passengers, and others on the road at risk.
  • Lack of motivation. Drug use may lead a teen to lose interest in or become indifferent about what happens at school or in other areas of his or her life.
  • Serious health problems. In high doses, Ecstasy can interfere with the body's ability to regulate temperature and cause liver, kidney and heart failure. Use of methamphetamine can cause heart and neurological damage, psychotic behavior and aggression. Chronic use of inhalants can cause brain or nerve damage and harm the heart, lungs, liver and kidneys. In addition, abuse of prescription or over-the-counter medications can cause depression, respiratory distress, cardiac distress and seizures.
  • Sexual activity. Teenagers who abuse drugs are more likely to have poor judgment, which can result in unplanned and unsafe sex.

Talking about adolescent drug abuse—

It can be difficult to talk to your adolescent about drug abuse. Start by choosing a comfortable time and setting. If you're anxious, share your feelings with your adolescent. You might also consider sharing the responsibility with another nurturing adult in your adolescent's life.

When you discuss adolescent drug abuse, you might:
  • Ask your adolescent's views. Listen to your adolescent's opinions — which may differ from your own — and questions about drug use. Encourage your adolescent to talk by asking open-ended questions, such as "Tell me what you think about ______."
  • Be ready to discuss your own drug use. Think ahead about how you'll respond if your adolescent asks about your own drug use. If you chose not to use drugs, explain why. If you did use drugs, share what the experience taught you.
  • Consider media messages. Some television programs, movies, Web sites or songs glamorize or trivialize drug use. Talk about what your adolescent has seen or heard.
  • Discuss reasons not to abuse drugs. Avoid scare tactics. Emphasize how drug use can affect things important to your adolescent — such as sports, driving, health and appearance. Explain that even a teen can develop a drug problem.
  • Plan specific ways to resist peer pressure. Brainstorm with your adolescent about how to respond to offers of drugs. Suggest that your adolescent try saying, "No thanks," or "I don't do drugs because it could get me kicked off the team." Your adolescent also might offer friends a socially acceptable alternative activity, such as watching a movie.

Don't be afraid that talking about adolescent drug abuse will plant ideas in your adolescent's head. Conversations about drug abuse won't tempt your adolescent to try drugs. Instead, talking about drug abuse lets your adolescent know your views and understand what you expect of him or her.

Other preventive strategies—

In addition to talking to your adolescent, consider other strategies to prevent adolescent drug abuse:
  • Establish rules and consequences. Make it clear that you won't tolerate drug abuse. Rules might include leaving a party where drug abuse occurs and not riding in a car with a driver who's been abusing drugs. Agree on the consequences of breaking the rules ahead of time — and enforce them consistently.
  • Keep an eye on prescription drugs. Ask your doctor if any medications prescribed for your family have a potential for abuse. Take an inventory of all prescription and over-the-counter medications in your home and keep them out of easily accessible places — such as the medicine cabinet. If your adolescent needs to take medication during school hours, find out if it can be stored in the school's health office rather than in your adolescent's locker.
  • Know your adolescent's activities. Pay attention to your adolescent's whereabouts. Find out what adult-supervised activities your adolescent is interested in and encourage him or her get involved.
  • Know your adolescent's friends. If your adolescent's friends abuse drugs, your adolescent may feel pressure to experiment, too. Get to know your adolescent's friends and their moms and dads.
  • Provide support. Offer praise and encouragement when your adolescent succeeds, whether at school or at home. A strong bond between you and your adolescent may help prevent your adolescent from abusing drugs.
  • Set a good example. Don't abuse drugs yourself.

Recognizing the warning signs of adolescent drug abuse—

Be aware of possible red flags, such as: 
  • A hostile or uncooperative attitude
  • A sudden or extreme change in friends, eating habits, sleeping patterns, physical appearance or school performance
  • An unexplained disappearance of household money
  • An unusual chemical or medicine smell on your adolescent or in your adolescent's room
  • Empty drug or medicine containers or drug paraphernalia in your adolescent's room
  • Lost interest in favorite activities
  • Secrecy about actions or possessions
  • Visits to pro-drug Web sites

Seeking help for adolescent drug abuse—

If you suspect that your adolescent is abusing drugs, talk to him or her. Avoid accusations. Instead, ask your adolescent what's going on in his or her life and encourage him or her to be honest. If your adolescent admits to abusing drugs, let him or her know that you're disappointed. Be sure to enforce the consequences you've established so that your adolescent understands that using drugs will always result in a loss of privileges. Explain to your adolescent ways that he or she can help regain your lost trust, such as improving grades. If you think your adolescent is involved in significant drug use, contact a doctor, counselor or other health care provider who specializes in drug problems.

Remember, it's never too soon to start talking to your adolescent about drug abuse. The conversations you have today can help your adolescent make healthy choices in the future.


***Talking to your adolescent about drinking***

Moms and dads often underestimate how early adolescent drinking starts, the amount of alcohol teenagers drink and the risks involved. But adolescent drinking isn't inevitable. You can encourage your adolescent to avoid alcohol by talking to him or her about the risks of adolescent drinking and the importance of making good decisions.

Why teenagers drink—

Teenagers are particularly vulnerable to alcohol use. The physical changes of puberty may make your adolescent feel self-conscious and more likely to take risks to fit in or please others — such as experiment with alcohol. Also, your adolescent may have trouble understanding that his or her actions have consequences.

Common risk factors for adolescent drinking include:
  • A history of behavior problems
  • Family problems, such as conflict or parental alcohol abuse
  • Increased stress at home or school
  • Transitions, such as the move from middle school to high school or getting a driver's license

Consequences of adolescent drinking—

Whatever causes a teen to drink, the consequences may be the same. For example, adolescent drinking can lead to:
  • Alcohol dependence. People who begin drinking as young teenagers are four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence than are people who wait until they're adults to drink, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.
  • Alcohol-related traffic accidents. Alcohol-related accidents are a leading cause of adolescent deaths. Adolescent drowning, suicides and murders also have been linked with alcohol use.
  • Being a victim of violent crime. Alcohol-related crimes may include rape, assault and robbery.
  • School problems. Teenagers who drink tend to have more academic and conduct problems than do teenagers who don't drink. Also, drinking can lead to temporary or permanent suspension from sports and other extracurricular activities.
  • Sexual activity. Teenagers who drink tend to become sexually active earlier and have sex more often than do teenagers who don't drink. Teenagers who drink are also more likely to have unprotected sex than are teenagers who don't drink.

Research also shows that adolescent drinking may harm brain development.

Talking about adolescent drinking—

It can be tough to talk about adolescent drinking. You may be unsure of what to say, and your adolescent may try to dodge the conversation. To increase your odds of having a meaningful discussion, choose a time when you and your adolescent are relaxed. Don't worry about covering everything at once. If you talk often, you may have a greater impact on your adolescent than if you have only a single discussion.

When you talk about adolescent drinking, you might:
  • Ask your adolescent's views. Find out what your adolescent knows and thinks about alcohol.
  • Be prepared to discuss your own drinking. Your adolescent may ask if you drank alcohol when you were a teen. If you chose not to drink, explain why. If you chose to drink, you might share an example of a negative consequence of your drinking.
  • Debunk myths. Teenagers often think that drinking makes them popular or happy. Explain that alcohol is a depressant that also may cause sadness and anger.
  • Discuss reasons not to drink. Avoid scare tactics. Instead, explain the risks and appeal to your adolescent's self respect.
  • Plan ways to handle peer pressure. Brainstorm with your adolescent about how to respond to offers of alcohol. It might be as simple as saying, "No thanks," or "Do you have any soda?"
  • Share facts. Explain that alcohol is a powerful drug that slows the body and mind, and that anyone can develop an alcohol problem — even a teen.

The best way to encourage your adolescent to avoid drinking is to develop a strong relationship with him or her. Your support will help your adolescent build the self-esteem he or she needs to stand up to peer pressure — and be an incentive to live up to your expectations.

Other preventive strategies—

In addition to talking to your adolescent, consider other strategies to prevent adolescent drinking:
  • Encourage healthy friendships. If your adolescent's friends drink, your adolescent is more likely to drink, too. Get to know your adolescent's friends and their moms and dads.
  • Establish rules and consequences. Rules might include no underage drinking, leaving parties where alcohol is served and not riding in a car with a driver who has been drinking. Agree on the consequences of breaking the rules ahead of time — and enforce them consistently.
  • Know your adolescent's activities. Pay attention to your adolescent's plans and whereabouts. Encourage participation in supervised after-school and weekend activities.
  • Set an example. If you drink, do so in moderation and explain to your adolescent why it's OK for adults to drink sometimes. Explain some of the rules you follow, such as not drinking and driving. Don't serve alcohol to anyone who's underage.

Seeking help for adolescent drinking—

If you suspect that your adolescent has been drinking, talk to him or her. Enforce the consequences you've established so that your adolescent understands that using alcohol will always result in a loss of privileges. Accepting moderate use of alcohol may send the message that adolescent drinking isn't dangerous. If you think your adolescent may have a drinking problem, consider contacting a health care professional who specializes in alcohol problems.

Remember, it's never too soon to start talking to your adolescent about alcohol use. By broaching the topic, you'll help give your adolescent the guidance and support necessary to make good choices.


***Help teenagers stay smoke-free***

Adolescent smoking might begin innocently enough, but it can become a lifelong habit. In fact, most adult smokers began smoking as teenagers. Your best bet? Help your adolescent resist taking that first puff. These 10 tips can help.

1. Appeal to your adolescent's vanity— Smoking isn't glamorous. Remind your adolescent that smoking is a dirty, smelly habit. Smoking gives you bad breath. Smoking makes your clothes and hair smell, and it turns your teeth yellow. Smoking can leave you with a chronic cough and less energy for sports and other activities you enjoy.

2. Do the math— Smoking is expensive. Help your adolescent calculate the weekly, monthly or yearly cost of a pack-a-day smoking habit. You might compare the cost of smoking with that of electronic gadgets, clothes or other adolescent essentials.

3. Expect peer pressure— Friends who smoke can be convincing, but you can give your adolescent the tools he or she needs to refuse cigarettes. Rehearse how to handle tough social situations. It might be as simple as, "No thanks, I don't smoke." The more your adolescent practices this basic refusal, the more likely he or she will say no at the moment of truth.

4. Get involved— Take an active stance against adolescent smoking. Participate in local and school-sponsored anti-smoking campaigns. Support bans on smoking in public places. If your adolescent has already started smoking, avoid threats and ultimatums. Instead, be supportive. Find out why your adolescent is smoking — and then discuss ways to help your adolescent stop smoking, such as hanging out with friends who don't smoke or getting involved in new activities. Stopping adolescent smoking in its tracks is the best thing your adolescent can do for a lifetime of good health.

5. Predict the future— Teenagers tend to assume that bad things only happen to other people. But the long-term consequences of smoking — such as cancer, heart attack and stroke — may be all too real when your adolescent becomes an adult. Use loved ones, friends or neighbors who've been ill as real-life examples.

6. Say no to adolescent smoking— You may feel as if your adolescent doesn't hear a word you say, but say it anyway. Tell your adolescent that smoking isn't allowed. Your disapproval may have more impact than you think. Teenagers whose moms and dads set the firmest smoking restrictions tend to smoke less than do teenagers whose moms and dads don't set smoking limits. The same goes for teenagers who feel close to their moms and dads.

7. Set a good example— Adolescent smoking is more common among teenagers whose moms and dads smoke. If you don't smoke, keep it up. If you do smoke, quit — now. Ask your doctor about stop-smoking products and other ways to quit smoking. In the meantime, don't smoke in the house, in the car or in front of your adolescent, and don't leave cigarettes where your adolescent might find them. Explain how unhappy you are with your smoking and how difficult it is to quit.

8. Take addiction seriously— Most teenagers believe they can quit smoking anytime they want. But teenagers become just as addicted to nicotine as do adults, often quickly and at relatively low doses of nicotine. And once you're hooked, it's tough to quit.

9. Think beyond cigarettes— Smokeless tobacco, clove cigarettes (kreteks) and candy-flavored cigarettes (bidis) are sometimes mistaken as less harmful or addictive than are traditional cigarettes. Hookah smoking — smoking tobacco through a water pipe — is another alternative sometimes touted as safe. Don't let your adolescent be fooled. Like traditional cigarettes, these products are addictive and can cause cancer and other health problems. Many deliver higher concentrations of nicotine, carbon monoxide and tar than do traditional cigarettes.

10. Understand the attraction— Sometimes adolescent smoking is a form of rebellion or a way to fit in with a particular group of friends. Some teenagers light up in an attempt to lose weight or to feel better about themselves. Others smoke to feel cool or independent. To know what you're dealing with, ask your adolescent how he or she feels about smoking. Ask which of your adolescent's friend’s smoke. Applaud your adolescent's good choices, and talk about the consequences of bad choices. You might also talk with your adolescent about how tobacco companies try to influence ideas about smoking — such as paying actors to smoke in movies to create the perception that smoking is cool.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Son is Suspected of Dealing Drugs

Hello Mark,

When everything I've tried failed, I started digging deeper into your program (about 85% complete but still reiterating). I found the section on ODD & CD, which I believe is present to some degree, especially the CD; probably mild to moderate substance abuse (weed, booze & grandmas prescriptions). I even heard he has been "dealing", but cannot find any proof, like a stash or cash, so I question (but do not reject the possibility of) him dealing. There are a lot of kids here on weekends, which seems normal.

He is popular at school, could do better and has issues with only one teacher that I know of. I met her, and well, I don't care for her either to be honest. We are always on alert, especially when anything is confiscated (old bottle of whiskey) from his room or the smell of smoke under a heavy blanket of cologne. He in no uncertain terms asked for the bottle(s) back. I looked him in the eye and said "And I want my son back". I was positive it would lead to another episode of a wall getting kicked clear through, so I called his cousin (who has semi-recovered from the same issues) and asked if he would come up for a surprise visit (distraction).

It didn't work out, my son took off ...probably suspecting I was behind it. He came home later and went to bed, no damage done. He will not speak to me, let alone listen to anything I have to say. Chores, ha.

I also suspect (but have no proof) that the neighbor (who is about 38 years old) is somehow involved with more than a friendly ear. There is good reason to believe there's "something up", but I don't want to go there or insinuate anything without reasonable/absolute proof. I wouldn't want someone doing that to me. I need an approach.

Hanging in there…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prepare for your son to be angry if he suspects you have searched his room. As paranoia is a common side effect of many drugs popular among teens, your son may already be worrying that you are spying on him or will find out about his problem. It's likely that he may notice that someone has entered his room and moved his belongings, so be ready to deal with a possible confrontation about the search.

Wait until you know that he will be out of the house for an extended period of time. The best time to do so is probably when he will be at school, though if your son happens to skip school, a behavior that tends to accompany drug abuse, be aware of the possibility that he may unsuspectingly come home expecting you to be at work. If possible, wait to perform the search until you are certain he will be away from his room several uninterrupted hours, such as a work shift or a weekend vacation.

Think about hiding places built into the structure of your house. Your son is likely to be familiar with any special spots in his room where there are special compartments or openings, such as crawl spaces, attic doors, loose flooring or drop ceiling panels. These are places in your son's room where drugs or drug paraphernalia might be hidden because he may think no one else in the household knows about them.

Check everywhere in the room where drugs could be hidden, such as under the bed or mattress, behind bookcases and inside desk drawers. Look inside the battery compartments of any electronics in your son's room, such as the TV, remote controls and portable CD players. Also check any pieces of furniture with hollow areas that could provide a hiding place for small stashes of drugs.

Wait to confront your son about your suspicions if you do not find any evidence. Though it may be necessary to bring up the issue regardless of whether or not you find drugs in your son's room, breaking his trust can also be dangerous and can cause him to isolate himself even further from you. Discussing potential drug abuse is a topic that must be handled very delicately.

Next… the “conversation”:

The major reason you have to have a conversation with your youngster about drugs and alcohol is because your kids need to be educated by you. They need to hear from their moms and dads that teen drug and alcohol use is not condoned in your family. They need to learn from their moms and dads about the consequences of drug and alcohol use. Most importantly, they need to be held accountable for their actions with drugs and alcohol use.

What happens if you suspect that your teen is already using alcohol and drugs? What do you say to them? The conversation is the same: moms and dads need to tell their kids that drug and alcohol use by teens is not allowed in your family.

The issue won't go away until you do something. You will get to the point where you can't deny that the problem exists. You'll have a continuous nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach. You will simply have to acknowledge that your youngster has a problem — your youngster is using drugs and that won't get any better until you take action on your youngster's behalf. It is OK to ask for help. In fact, getting help may make it easier for you to have the conversation.

Sometimes the beginning of a conversation is harder than the middle — that dreaded conversation with your spouse or partner during which you acknowledge that you know your youngster has a problem with drugs or alcohol. That is a pretty profound conversation and is often laden with sadness, anger and regret. Denial plays a big part in that first conversation, as does finger-pointing. Neither reaction is helpful. The most important thing you can do is move on and figure out what you both can do to help your youngster.

This is a time for you and your spouse or partner to establish rules and consequences for your youngster if he or she uses drugs or alcohol. The rules should be simple: no drug or alcohol use by teens will be allowed in your family. The consequences should be straightforward and meaningful to the teen. Don’t go to extremes in setting consequences — choose those that you are able to carry out.

Practice the conversation with each other ahead of time. You may have to have a couple of “practice runs.” These conversations are not easy but they are worthwhile. Talking it over with your spouse/partner beforehand will help you keep a level head and speak to the issue.

Tell yourself that you won’t “lose it” with your youngster. Anger and hostility won’t get you anywhere in this conversation. Stay as calm as possible. Remember, you are the parent and you are in charge. Be kind, simple, and direct in your statements to your youngster. Above all, remember to tell your youngster that you love him or her! The conversation will not be perfect — no conversation ever is. Know that you are doing the right thing for your youngster. That’s what matters most!

Here are some suggested things to keep in mind when you talk to your youngster:
  • It makes you FEEL worried and concerned about them when they do drugs.
  • KNOW that you will have this discussion many, many times. Talking to your kid about drugs and alcohol is not a one-time event.
  • Tell your son that you LOVE him, and you are worried that he might be using drugs or alcohol.
  • You are there to LISTEN to them.
  • You KNOW that drugs may seem like the thing to do, but doing drugs can have serious consequences.
  • You tell him what you WILL do to help them.
  • You WANT them to be a part of the solution.

Teens & Alcohol Drinking


Hi Ann,

>>>>>>>>>>>>> I’ve commented below.

Our 15 (almost 16 year old) son went to a friend’s house last night for a party.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Did he “earn” this privilege? If so, how?

The parents were home ...the grandmother was there ...they assured me that they would have a close eye on the kids and when I picked him up this morning them other assured me that they were all good. I know the boy whose house the party was at is wild and know that he bragged about having alcohol there. I picked my son up and he seemed fine.

I have software that allows me to monitor his conversations online. Others are typing him about his "condition" last night and he is bragging about not knowing what he was doing and typed that he was "hoaking" (may be a typo but wondering if this slang word means anything to you?!!?!)

I don’t know now what to do?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Hoaking? Who knows?

* 7.2 million adolescents drank at least once in the past year
* 2.7 million teens drank alcohol about once a month or more in the past year
* 1 million youths drank at least once a week or more in the past year
* Girls were as likely as boys their age to drink alcohol


Short of keeping him in the house 365 days a year, do the following:

Be sure to clearly state your expectations regarding his drinking and establish consequences for breaking rules. Your values and attitudes count, even though he may not always show it.

If one or more members of your immediate or extended family has suffered from alcoholism, your son may be more vulnerable to developing a drinking problem. He needs to know that for him, drinking may carry special risks.

Should he come home under the influence, make sure he is in no immediate danger due to alcohol abuse, but wait until he is sober to address the problem. When he sobers up, do the following:

Say (with your best poker face), "I’m concerned that you consumed alcohol the other night. I feel worried."

Next, Listen. Give your him a chance to speak (although all you're going to hear is a line of bullshit; he will be angry with you for confronting him and will want you to get off his back; he will probably deny that he drank any alcohol; even if he admits to drinking, he will most likely blame someone else for the drinking episode).

Then say, "The house rule is no drinking before the age of 21. If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and you will be charged with minor consumption."

End on a positive note by saying, "To help you be successful with following this house rule, I will provide discipline, structure, added supervision, and spot checks. I know you are more than capable of following this house rule - I have faith in you - I know you can do this!"

If your son has another drinking episode, follow through with the consequence you stated.


1. I have asked him and of course he denies anything went on.

2. Before when we have suspected foul play we have bluffed and he has confessed about being somewhere he should not be or having a SIP of booze...

I know that we have come down VERY hard on him for ANY of these events and as such he has been depressed and house bound ...as virtually all of the parties/houses he gets invited to I KNOW have alcohol and I think he has avoided all contact with kids because of this fear that he will get caught and it's not worth going out at all? That was why we let him go to this SUPERVISED party?! Let me know...

Thanks,

A.M.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Son Drinks Hand Sanitizer


"Mark, Your online support has been a great help to me. I have just begun the program with my 13 year old son. Unfortunately, he is in ACJC a juvenile center in Fort Wayne. He drank hand sanitizer before school and had a blood alcohol level of 1.1. He has a history of sneaking alcohol and many behavior issues for his entire school career. Counselors and therapists, doctors all disagree or do not know how to help. I am thinking he may need residential treatment, but as a single mom this is not feasible financial. I am not sure what the court is going to recommend at this point. My question is : do you know of a treatment program that might fit his profile? I have spent many hours searching and can't find what might fit him. Most alcohol programs are for adults or older teens. I also know that the there are many underlying issues, but don't know what to tackle first.....depression, anger, social behavior, alcohol. They are all tied together. Thank you for any input!"


I can tell you that the 'alcohol-abuse problem' will have to be addressed first. It would be easier - and a lot less painful in the long run - to go beat your head against a brick wall than tackle multiple problems before getting the alcohol issue resolved.

If you haven't done so already, get him in to see a psychiatrist for a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation. I'm guessing that his father abused drugs and/or alcohol as well. If so, there are special 'addiction-risks' for your son (as evidenced by the bizarre sanitizer episode).

Once he gets a few months of 'clean-and-sober' time under his belt, your son can then begin to work on the other issues. And yes, he may very well need 'in-patient' treatment for awhile, but most facilities will work with you on a sliding scale (i.e., payment commensurate with your income).

Mark Hutten, M.A.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens & Alcohol Abuse

I am writing this e-mail hoping that you might be able to shed some light on where it is that I should start your program with our son. I purchased your e-book My Out of Control Teen and found it to be very resourceful and helpful, although I am not quite sure where to start with our son. He will be 17 next month. We recently moved to a new home that we built which is closer to his school and friends. Within 2 days of our move from an acreage to the city he brokeup with his girlfriend of 1 year, quit his job, ranaway to a friends house, pierced his lip against our wishes, threatened suicide in a letter where he wrote that after being gone 5 days he went and pierced his lip and we would have to accept this and his other personal problem being suicidal thoughts. At this point I went at midnight searching for him and found him and brought him home. Since prior to this event things seemed great, he was on the honor role at school, happy, working good to his brother and sister, which is still good. We had to assume he might be on some kind of drugs. I insisted that he be drug tested and hormone testing for depression. I met with school counsellor and explained the situation. One week later he snuck out on a school night through his bedroom window and got drunk. Same thing one week later. After this we nailed his window shut. Which I should say when he returned home the first time his car was parked and phone taken away. He did not care that these privileges were gone. After the third time he ran away, because I confronted him about his report card and marks all in the 60's which is very poor for him.

We decided that this was the last straw and we were going to send him to Turnabout Residential Ranch for three months. He was very terrified of this, after talking and agreeing to see professional counsellors, we opted for a behavior contract and counselling. Things have been better but he is still angry and the counsellor said he is not depressed and that he is closed off at the appts. and as long as things are good at home he can have a break from counselling since he sits there not speaking anyway. He did get a job, but is working with his friends, and not focusing on school work. I feel that according to your e-book that he is at a stage 5. He also came home drunk both nights last weekend. I fear he is drinking way too much. He was not allowed out the next two days of the long weekend for this behavior. Our home life has always been good. We have been blessed with a wonderful family. There has never been any abuse. We are guilty of spoiling our kids to a degree, but have always expected them to work and helpout. I feel if I impose too many restrictions on him he will runaway again, even though that is one of the rules in the behavior contract. He is quiet, but has always been that way. He was never disrespectful until the last two months. He also lying about where he is going sometimes. His drug test was negative and he was tested for everything. He also took the earring out at our insistance, which was appreciated. I have always told him that we have rules because we love him. If you have any suggestions, they would be very much appreciated. I am still seeing the counsellor.

J.

``````````````````````

Hi J.,

You’ve listed numerous problems here. Alcohol abuse seems to be the most pressing issue. Moms & dads often assume that teenagers try alcohol and drugs to rebel or to "fit in" with their peer group. However, teenagers with undiagnosed emotional or behavioral problems often use drugs and alcohol as a way to relieve their frustrations. A depressed teen may self-medicate with alcohol to escape the terrible sense of hopelessness. Unfortunately, alcohol only exacerbates the problem.

Drugs like ecstasy and other club-drug uppers may even make them feel "normal" when for weeks they have felt miserable. The impact of such drugs on serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins, chemicals in the brain that regulate mood, can be devastating for teenagers and adolescents. The damage they do to receptors in the brain can make the road back from depression even harder.

Often moms & dads approach the issue of drug and alcohol use as simply a discipline issue for a teen who is "bad." However, your teen may be sick. They may be unable to express to you exactly how they feel. Therefore, contacting a mental health professional such as a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of adolescents, is your first step in nailing down the source of the problem. If your teen is self-medicating to treat depression, anxiety, or other emotional or behavioral disorders, simply applying more discipline and creating more rules will not impact the underlying problem that led to substance abuse in the first place.

While some teenagers self-medicate to treat depression, other teenagers end up with a serious mental disorder due to abuse of drugs or alcohol. Abusive drinking or drug use can seriously undermine your teen's physical, emotional, and psychological health. Some drugs, such as methampetamines, can seriously affect the neurotransmitters, which are known as the "messengers of the brain." Recent studies suggest this damage can be long-lasting and even permanent. Many teenagers have the mistaken notion that club drugs are benign. In fact, while they might feel "good" while taking them, they can make it difficult for the teen to feel good naturally for a long time to come. The longer teenagers use these drugs, the more difficult treatment and the higher rate of relapse due to their inability to "feel good" or even "normal" because of the damage to their neurotransmitters.

Mark


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Teenagers Get Arrested: 12 Tips for Parents

There are some  areas where seemingly small transgressions can easily become huge legal problems for a teenager. About 15 percent of all adolescent males get arrested, and 24 percent of all minority adolescent males get arrested.

When kids enter the teen years, they will naturally begin to rebel. Some adolescents choose to change their hair color or get a tattoo, but others become more rebellious. This struggle for independence can lead to trouble for the adolescent. This trouble can then lead to an arrest. If this happens with your youngster, follow these steps to learn to deal with the adolescent getting arrested:

1. Be sure your adolescents knows their legal rights. They do not have to talk to a police officer without a lawyer present. They do not have to submit to a search without a warrant. They do not have to answer questions.

2. Determine if your adolescent is alright. Is he in jail? Is he in a safe jail? Some communities have safe jails, other communities have unsafe jails. If it is safe, you might want to leave your adolescent in jail for the night. If he is unsafe, get him out as soon as possible.

3. If it is a minor issue, do not hire your youngster a lawyer. Let your adolescent know that you will find him a lawyer, but he will have to arrange with the lawyer how the lawyer will get paid.

4. Don't yell at - or question - your adolescent. This problem is your adolescent's problem, not yours. Let your adolescent take responsibility for his own mistake, not you. The more the parent yells, the more the parent takes responsibility for the adolescent's behavior. The less the parent yells, the more the adolescent realizes this is between him and the law.

5. If your adolescent is a cooperative, cheerful adolescent, never in trouble, and protests that he is innocent, he might be.

6. Listen intently to the adolescent when he tries to explain the arrest. Moms and dads have a tendency in times of crisis to turn off their listening skills. This is a mistake, and you will miss an opportunity to really listen to your youngster. The mother or father should make note of the body language of the adolescent. If the adolescent is truly remorseful, his body language will be withdrawn and sullen. If the body language is relaxed and nonchalant it, may signal that the adolescent is still having issues realizing that he has a problem.

7. Realize that this is not about you. Too many times moms and dads ignore the cry for help from the adolescent and make the arrest about themselves. This creates a feeling of neglect in the adolescent. They will feel that the parents care more about their reputation than what is going on with their youngster. This increases the chances the adolescent will act out again.

8. Relax. Finally someone else is yelling at your adolescent: a police officer or a judge. Not a parent. This is a good learning experience for a rebellious adolescent.

9. Show the adolescent that you still love and accept him, but that there will be consequences for his actions. This will obviously depend on the severity of the crime but responsibility and love should be your focus after the arrest.

10. Stay away from blaming any other adolescents involved in the arrest. Too many times moms and dads will search for others to blame for their kid's behavior. It is a major mistake to shift the blame to another youngster and not focus on why your youngster chose to do this. The adolescent will also try to blame others for the arrest and you need to make sure he and you take responsibility for the arrest.

11. Help your adolescent stay out of trouble in the future. Find out what went wrong, and allow him to learn from this mistake. This is a “learning opportunity” – not a “failure” on the child’s - or parents’ - part.

12. Try to understand the root cause of the arrest. The root cause is not the criminal offense that resulted in the arrest. It is the underlying emotion the adolescent felt that made him commit the offense. For instance, many adolescents will shoplift in order to fill their emotional needs through the danger and material satisfaction of the crime. Moms and dads often focus on the surface of the crime, totally missing the underlying cause.

A Message To Your Teenager—

In some U.S. states, any adolescent who has attained the age of seventeen years who commits a crime will be charged immediately in adult court – and they will face the adult penalties. Kids of lower ages may be "waived" into adult court depending upon the nature of the offense, the age of the youngster, and the youngster's record. Adolescent behavior that in years past might have been shrugged off as "boys being boys" is now considered to be criminal behavior.

1. Alcohol— In Wisconsin it is against the law for an individual who has not attained the age of twenty-one years to consume alcoholic beverages except in the immediate presence of a parent or guardian. In other words, it is legal for a parent or a guardian to allow a youngster who is not yet twenty-one years old to consume alcohol- as long as the drinking is in the immediate presence of the parent.

When you are not in the presence of your parent or guardian you may not possess or consume alcoholic beverages. As a practical matter, if a police officer finds an adolescent in public with alcohol on his or her breath, even though no alcoholic beverages present, there is going to be a problem. This is primarily because many police officers do not understand that it is legal for an adolescent to drink alcohol in the presence of their moms and dads. The more experienced police officers, though, will first question the adolescent about where he was when he consumed the alcohol. If the answer is anything other than "at home with my moms and dads" a ticket is going to be issued. The penalty for under-aged consumption or possession of alcohol is a forfeiture of money and/or a suspension of driver's license. Repeat offenders will certainly lose their driver's licenses.

2. Cars— Moms and dads may not be able to keep their children away from every party, but they should make every effort to avoid putting their child into a situation where he/she could easily face a serious felony charge. Allowing an adolescent to have his/her own car, to be used at any time, is a recipe for disaster. Lawyers joke that they will never let their adolescents drive with friends. They know that there could be a car-load of young people, all of whom went to the same party, all whom drank the same amount of beer, and all whom chanted for the driver to "go a hundred miles an hour." But when that car hits the tree killing or injuring the occupants, it will be the driver who is charged with a felony and sent to prison while the passengers are all wrapped in the cloak of victim-hood.

There are no adolescent car accidents anymore. There are homicides and recklessly causing injury charges. There are prison sentences and lawsuits. Additionally, it is a fact that the police would be unable to make approximately one-third of the arrests they currently make if it were not for cars. The police may pull over an automobile on a public roadway for almost any reason. If it is a slow night, any cop will tell you that all they need to do is to find a car-load of adolescents and pull them over. It will usually yield some under-aged drinking tickets and a bag of pot or two.

If you are not old enough to drink, you may not drive a motor vehicle with any amount of alcohol in your system. This even includes any alcohol consumed in the presence of your mom or dad. The moral of story is for adolescents to walk to where they are going (and I fully realize that this is advice that will be accepted by exactly no one).

3. Drugs— Of the children who wind up in legal trouble because of drugs, it is usually alcohol and cannabis. It is so obvious that possessing or selling heroin, crack, cocaine, LSD, or ecstasy is such a serious legal matter that it is truly beyond the scope of this article. If you are caught with these drugs, you will most-likely find yourself obtaining your GED in prison.

4. Cannabis (marijuana)— It is a misdemeanor, punishable by up to six months in jail, for an individual to possess cannabis. One may be found to have "possessed" cannabis even if the police officer does not find it in one's pocket. I’ve heard many teenagers complain that they should not be charged with possession of cannabis because the cop found the weed under the passenger seat and "I was sitting behind the driver in the back." Under the law, an individual "possesses" all items that are known to them to be present in an area that is under the person's "dominion and control" (i.e., in an area where the person could go get the item if one so desired). So the fact that is was "dude's weed" and he threw it under the seat is not much of a defense.

It is a felony to deliver cannabis to another person. The law does not require there to be a "sale" in order to charge a felony. All that is required is that the defendant transferred possession of the cannabis from themselves to another person. Therefore, one commits a felony by simply passing the bowl to a friend. Such behavior is not usually charged as a felony; however, the point is that it could be charged as a felony by a zealous prosecutor.

You may have heard of people getting a "ticket" for possessing cannabis. Most municipalities have ordinances prohibiting the possession of cannabis. One cannot be put in jail for a municipal ordinance violation. If a small amount of cannabis is found and if the defendant has no prior record, the police officer may decide to issue a ticket rather than to refer the matter to the district attorney for criminal charges. You do not have a right, though, to be given a ticket. This is in the police officer's discretion. Therefore, if you find yourself in this situation, it will normally be to your advantage to be as courteous and as cooperative with the police officer as you can.

There are two significant consequences of being convicted of a "state charge" of cannabis possession as opposed to a municipal ordinance violation. First, a municipal ordinance violation for possession will not disqualify you for federal financial aid for college, whereas a state charge will disqualify you. Second, a second state conviction for possession of cannabis is a felony. However, a municipal ordinance violation for possession of cannabis does not count as a first offense.

5. Sex— It is remarkable how few moms and dads understand the truly life-shattering consequences of adolescent sexual behavior. It is a fairly common occurrence for a sixteen year-old sophomore boy to be dating a freshman girl who may be as young as fourteen. This is an absolute legal mine-field for the boy and his mom or dad. Whether it seems fair or not, the truth of the matter is that in the case of adolescents having sexual intercourse or sexual contact, it is the boy who will be charged and the girl who will be considered the "victim". The penalties for a boy having sexual contact with a fourteen year-old girl can ruin a young man's life permanently.

The statutory definitions of "sexual intercourse" and "sexual contact" include activity beyond the normal meanings of the phrases. It includes almost any intentional touching of another's sex organ for the purpose of sexual gratification. What moms and dads called "petting" in their day can very easily be a serious felony in this day.

Any person who has sexual intercourse or sexual contact with an individual who has not attained the age of sixteen years is guilty of a Class C felony. The maximum penalty for such a crime is a fine not to exceed $100,000 or imprisonment not to exceed 40 years. This is an offense that will put the boy on the sex offender registry for life. Even when the girl turns sixteen there are still problems. It is a Class A misdemeanor to have sexual intercourse with an individual who has attained the age of sixteen years, but who has not attained the age of eighteen years. The penalty for a Class A misdemeanor is up to nine months in jail and/or a $10,000 fine. It is absolutely critical that moms and dads talk to their adolescents about the legal problems that sex between adolescents will cause. This, of this, of course, is not to mention the family problems of pregnancy, paternity actions, and child support.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Delinquent Teenagers

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...