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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query stepparent. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query stepparent. Sort by date Show all posts

The Challenges of Step-Parenting

Aside from juggling households and visitation, the one thing that seems to cause a stepson or stepdaughter the most difficulty is the stepparent’s attempts to “act as” a biological parent. However, since step relationships (especially new ones) are usually complicated and fraught with conflict, it can be almost impossible for a stepparent to refrain from disciplining the stepson or stepdaughter.

After all, most stepkids test the stepparent’s limits to the max, trying to see how far they can push until the stepparent breaks. The question is how to deal with it?

Here are some crucial tips for stepparents:

1. Your stepkids are dealing with their own feelings of loss, anger, confusion, and resentment about the divorce or remarriage. It may be easy to see their misbehavior as a direct attack on you, but remember that they need space and time to process the changes that have happened in their life. Even biological kids are known to lash out at their moms and dads with an "I hate you!" every now and then.

2. At first, the direct assigning of limits and consequences should probably be left up to the biological mother or father. So, avoid taking a direct role. Experts say it takes at least 2 years for children to begin to accept discipline from a stepparent. Two years is also about the time it takes to grow a strong, trusting  relationship.

3. Biological moms and dads must explain to their kids that the stepparent can also “remind” them of rules, whether or not he or she “enforces” the rules.

4. Bite your tongue. At times, this is going to be very difficult. Keep biting. Drag your spouse into the bedroom to whisper disciplinary suggestions—that's o.k. You have the right to voice your opinions, but let your spouse be the final decision-maker and the enforcer.

5. Remember that discipline is the entire process of raising a youngster. You can - and should - model good behavior, treat the stepchildren with respect, and encourage and reward them for things they are doing well. Leave the biological mother or father in charge of dealing with any major problems until you've gained their trust. Then you'll be able to assert yourself in a way they won't resent.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


6. Stepparents should focus on encouraging desired behaviors, attitudes, and interactions rather than focusing on bad ones. Biological moms and dads generally have had all that time from infancy through the present to generate attachment and all those positive, loving feelings between themselves and their youngster. Stepparents are usually getting involved once the youngster is old enough to misbehave, but in most cases missed the opportunity to fall in love with the child.

7. Find time to spend one-to-one time with your stepson or stepdaughter to do shoulder-to-shoulder, low-key activities (e.g., a run around the lake, shooting hoops, watching a favorite show, shopping, etc.). Most stepchildren (especially teens), don’t want to be forced into a sit-down, face-to-face, "let's talk" conversation. Instead, you want to build the relationship through shared experiences that will naturally give you opportunities to learn about each other. Try to choose an activity that neither biological parent does with the youngster to limit any sense of competition. For example, if the stepson loves football, but his biological father likes basketball, and his mother isn't interested in sports at all – then this could be a great way for a new stepparent to connect with the child.

8. You are a legitimate participant in the family process. Although it may be best for you to play a backseat role in regard to discipline, this doesn't mean that you have to be a non-participant. The biological mother or father has the final say, but the stepparent still can have input. If your spouse is not supportive of your needs or is practicing permissive parenting, you can still decide what you will and won't do. When the stepchildren are being disrespectful to you, it's okay to let them know that you're happy to take them for driving practice, make them a tasty dessert, or make their favorite meal for dinner WHEN they can treat you respectfully. Being a stepparent does not mean being a doormat.

9. Take the time to talk with your partner about what's working and what's not. You and your partner are from two different family cultures, and you have very different positions in your family. Your job is not to agree with each other right away. It is to stay caring and open to each other despite your differences. Staying connected takes a lot of time and talking. Check in often, and comfort each other when things are difficult.

10. Expect your stepchildren to “act out.” They will test the waters and push the boundaries when there is someone new in the family. Kids are feeling their way through how much control they have, and they will try to play the mom and dad off each other. Don't take this as a sign that your stepkids will hate you forever or that you'll never be happy together as a family. Instead, keep having honest communication with your partner about parenting issues, and continue to find ways to have positive interactions with your stepkids to build a bond.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


11. Once you've lived together for quite a while and are comfortable, then you can begin to make independent decisions about discipline without deferring to your spouse. It's appropriate to make spontaneous disciplinary choices when the biological parent is not available, or when there are no established consequences for the misbehavior; however, any decisions you make should be based on family values, rules, and limits.

12. Don't come into the stepfamily with a list of ways to "fix" things. If you do, your stepchildren may see you as trying to erase all evidence of their life before you entered it. Instead, give your partner and stepchildren time to settle in and get used to the new living arrangement. Then try to tackle one change at a time while remembering that all members will need to compromise. Research shows that it can take four to seven years for a stepfamily to function like a “normal” family, so give everyone time to adjust.

13. Never argue with your partner about the youngster’s behavior in front of him or her.  Always discuss it behind closed doors. 

14. You can't force your stepkids to like or love you, but you can require a standard level of respect. The biological mother or father should convey to the kids that “when you disrespect my spouse, you disrespect me.” The biological mother or father should clearly explain the difference between love and respect, and the expectation for how the youngster needs to treat the new stepparent (e.g., “You don't have to love your stepfather, but you need to be decent to him”).

15. As time goes by, and you begin to move into more of an authority role, you can begin to issue consequences when your stepchild violates established rules and regulations. You can also make use of reminders (e.g., "In this house, we all clean up on Saturdays," or "Michael, you know your mom insists you eat some vegetables before you eat dessert").


   

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Trials of Being a Stepmother

There's no doubt that being a stepmother is one of the most difficult roles any adult will ever assume. So much pain can be avoided if you can agree on some very basic definitions of that role, and be alert to sensitivities with it.

To handle this situation with the utmost efficiency, both the biological parent and the stepmother should begin with an open and candid discussion about the fears and expectations regarding the relationship with the kids. Each should know what the other expects concerning the stepmother's involvement in guiding, supervising and disciplining the kids. Once you understand what each other's expectations are, you have a place to start shaping what the stepmother role will be. I always think it's important to first identify what you can agree on and thereby narrow your differences. How you ultimately define the stepmother role will, of course, be up to you. The following are my recommendations based on what I've seen work, what I've seen fail and how I think it's best to set up and define the stepmother role:

1. If you as a biological parent are having frustrations with the stepparent and what they're doing in relation to your kids, I encourage you at a very early point to stop complaining and start specifically asking for what you want and need. If, for example, you feel they're spending more time playing games with their kids, ask them specifically, for example, to play three board games per week with your youngster. Specifically ask for what you specifically want.

2. If you're the stepmother in a truly blended family, where both you and your spouse have kids being merged into a "yours, mine and ours" scenario, you must take great care not to be perceived as playing favorites through a double standard in which your kids enjoy a better standard of treatment than your step children. The truth is, however unpopular or politically incorrect it may be to say, you'll very likely have decidedly stronger positive emotional feelings for your biological kids than for your step children, at least in the beginning. You'll need to cloak this difference in emotional intensity. As time goes on and you share life experiences with your step children, there will be a leveling of emotions toward all of the kids. In the meantime, you should be hypersensitive to the need to deal with each in a like fashion. It can be very helpful in the early stages to actually quantify and balance the time, activities and money spent on biological and non-biological kids.

3. In relating to all the kids, the stepparent should seek to define her relationship as that of an ally and supporter. Whether the stepparent is the same or opposite-sexed parent, their presence can play an important balancing role in terms of modeling and information-giving about life from the male or female point of view. The role of ally and supporter is in no way to be construed as an attempt to replace the biological parent.

4. It's important that the stepmother not have unrealistic expectations about their level of closeness or intimacy with the step children. Relationships are built, and it takes time and shared experiences to create a meaningful one. The stepmother should also be aware that the youngster may be experiencing a fair amount of emotional confusion — and may in fact feel guilty that they're betraying their biological mother by having a close and caring relationship with their stepmother. Great care and patience should be taken to allow the youngster an opportunity to work through those feelings.

5. It's my strong belief that unless you as the stepmother are added to the family when the kids are very young, it will most likely be very difficult for you to discipline your spouse's kids. Every situation is different, but in most situations, disciplining your non-biological kids is fraught with danger, since it's likely to create resentment on the part of your spouse. Again, this isn't always the case, and if that's not the circumstance in your family, that's great, because it can give the biological parent an additional resource for handling discipline issues. While I don't believe it's very likely a workable situation for a stepmother to be a direct disciplinarian, it's extremely important that the stepmother be an active supporter of the biological parent's disciplinary efforts. Both biological parents and stepparents should discuss the rules of the house and negotiate an agreement for what standards the kids will be held to. This element of family life should be subject to the same negotiation and joint ownership as any other family situation.

6. The stepmother should actively support the youngster's relationship with the biological mother no longer in the home. If you are in the role of stepmother, you should make it a priority to nurture a relationship between you and the biological mother and to find every possible way you can to support a relationship between her and her kids. By taking the high road of facilitation, you'll find it easier to overcome feelings of resentment both on the part of the biological mother and the kids she no longer has daily access to. This may require some real internal commitment on your part, because supporting your step children's relationship with their biological but absent parent may seem tantamount to also supporting that parent's relationship with your spouse. Don't let jealousy or envy of the bond they share with their kids or the working relationship and history with your current mate because you to be less than supportive of that relationship.

7. The stepmother, although not actively initiating direct discipline, should certainly work to maintain the normal boundaries that exist between an adult and a youngster. Although it may be the biological parent who delivers an initial consequence for misbehavior, it's important that the stepmother be active in support of that decision, and care should be taken that proper respect and acknowledgment of the stepmother be given. In other words, a stepfather is not simply one's mother's husband. He is in fact an adult and an authority figure in the home.

In summary, let me say it's true that it's difficult to see things through someone else's eyes if you haven't walked in their shoes. Whether you're the stepparent or it's your spouse who's in that role, talk frequently about how it's going and what the experience is from the other's point of view. If both of you have good intentions and a loving heart, this can be worked out. The key is to remember that the kids are passengers on this train. They didn't get an opportunity to choose whether they wanted a new family member, so great care and patience should be taken to help them adapt to the situation.

Being a Stepfather: How to Make it Work

This article will show men how to be good stepfathers...

Becoming a stepfather by blending families or marrying someone with children can be a rewarding and fulfilling experience. If you've never had children, you'll get the opportunity to share your life with a child and help to shape his/her character. If you have children, you'll offer them more opportunities to build relationships and establish a special bond that only siblings can have.

In some cases, your new family members may get along without a hitch, but other times you can expect difficulties along the way. Figuring out your role as a stepfather — aside from the day-to-day responsibilities that come with it — also may lead to confusion or even conflict between you and your spouse, your spouse's ex-husband, and their children.

While there is no foolproof formula for creating the "perfect" family, it's important to approach this new situation with patience and understanding for the feelings of those involved.

Here's how to make things easier as you adapt to your new role:

Start Slow—

The initial role of a stepfather is that of another caring adult in a youngster's life, similar to a loving mentor. You may desire a closer bond right away, and might wonder what you're doing wrong if your new stepchild doesn't warm up to you or your children as quickly as you'd like — but relationships need time to grow.

Start out slow and try not to rush into things. Let things develop naturally — children can tell when grow-ups are being fake or insincere. Over time, you can develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your stepchildren, which doesn't necessarily have to resemble the one they share with their birth parents.

Stepfamily Stages—

1. Fantasy Stage-- Family members are on their best behavior. This is the "Brady Bunch" period. Everyone imagines they will love one another. Everyone envisions one big happy family living happily ever after.

2. Confusion Stage-- Tension grows. Happiness begins to slip away. Differences begin to emerge. The romance seems to disappear.

3. Conflict Stage-- Anger starts to erupt. Family members realize their needs are not being met. Arguments begin. Feelings start to come out. Hopefully, negotiations and honest communication also can begin.

4. Comfort Stage-- Family members start to relax. Members begin to feel hope for their future together. Communication is deeper and bonds solidify.

Factors That Affect Your Relationship—

Kids who are mourning the loss of a deceased parent or the separation or divorce of their birth parents may need time to heal before they can fully accept you as a new parent.

For those whose birth parents are still alive, remarriage may mean the end of hope that their parents will reunite. Even if it has been several years since the separation, children often hang onto that hope for a long time. From the children' perspective this reality can make them feel angry, hurt, and confused.

Other factors that may affect the transition into step-parenting:

• How long you dated your partner before marriage. Again, there are exceptions but typically if you don't rush into the relationship with your partner, children have a good sense that you are in this for the long haul.

• How long you've known them. Usually, the longer you know the children, the better the relationship. There are exceptions (e.g., if you were friends with the parents before they separated and are blamed for the break-up), but in most cases having a history together makes the transition a little smoother.

• How much time the children spend with you. Trying to bond with children every other weekend — when they want quality time with a birth parent they don't see as often as they'd like — can be a difficult way to make friends with your new stepchildren. Remember to put their needs first. If children want time with their birth parent, they should get it. So sometimes making yourself scarce can help smooth the path to a better relationship in the long run.

• How old the children are. When it comes to adjusting and forming new relationships, younger children generally have an easier time than older children.

• How well the person you marry gets along with her ex-spouse. This is a critical factor. Minimal conflict and open communication between ex-spouses can make a big difference regarding how easily children accept you as their stepfather. It's much easier for children to transition to new living arrangements when adults keep negative comments out of earshot.

Knowing ahead of time what situations may become problematic as you bring new family members together can help you prepare so that, if complications arise, you can handle them with an extra dose of patience and grace.

Emotions Commonly Experienced by Stepchildren—

• Jealousy— It is very hard for kids to share a parent with a newcomer. It is hard to share their space, their house, and their possessions. The remarried parent is often distracted and energized by a new spouse. The child may not generate this sort of energy and knows it.

• Guilt— Many kids of all ages blame themselves for their parents' divorce. They do not have an adult perspective. They have to try to understand the cause of a divorce with very limited insight and information. So they turn to what they do know - that their parents used to argue, often about parenting the kids. Saddled with this knowledge, kids feel guilty and responsible. Also, if a child likes a new stepmother or stepfather, the child may experience guilt at feeling "disloyal" to an absent biological mother or father.

• Grief— Remarriage only happens after a loss. The kids have lost one of the parents in their household through divorce or death. It is natural for them to be grieving. Their grief may not look like the grief of an adult. It may look more like irritating or distracted behavior.

• Fear— Kids have already suffered a major loss - the loss of a parent, of family stability - over which they've had no control. They may fear losing another parent. They may fear they will not fit into this new family.

Steps to Great Step-parenting—

All moms and dads face difficulties now and then. But when you're a stepfather, those obstacles are compounded by the fact that you are not the birth parent — this can open up power struggles within the family, whether it's from the children, your spouse's ex, or even your spouse.

When times get tough, however, putting children' needs first can help you make good decisions. Here's how:

• Be solid. Stepkids can be real arrow-throwers. They look for a chink in the armor of the new stepparent's integrity. Keep yours intact, and little by little, they'll most likely come to respect you. Being on good behavior doesn't mean you can't have fun or joke around, but paying attention to your actions can help you avoid getting improperly tagged by your young critics.

• Create new family traditions. Find special activities to do with your stepchildren, but be sure to get their feedback. Some new family traditions could include board game nights, bike riding together, cooking, doing crafts, or even playing quick word games in the car. The key is to have fun together, not to try to win their love — children are smart and will quickly figure out if you're trying to force a relationship.

• Don't try to be bio-dad. One huge complaint by stepkids is ambiguity about the status of a stepparent. Trying to get them to call you "dad" right off the bat is in bad form. Instead, try actually treating them normally for a while, like anyone else you might happen to share a roof with, and see how things develop.

• Don't use children as messengers or go-betweens. Try not to question children about what's happening in the other household — they'll resent it when they feel that they're being asked to "spy" on another parent. Wherever possible, communicate directly with your spouse about relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues, or school problems. Online custody calendars make this process a little easier because moms and dads can note visitation days and share this information with each other via the Internet.

• Give it time. As people live together, they learn to relate. It's not that you should be distant, but take the progress in increments. Give the children breathing room; they do a lot of their adaptation by "figuring things out" which they can't do with a stepdad "in their business." Let them alone for their own bedroom-introspection time (even if it coincides with meals), and wait for them to adjust themselves to new realities.

• House rules matter. Keep your house rules as consistent as possible for all children, whether they're your children from a previous relationship, your spouse's children from a previous relationship, or new kids you have had together. Kids and adolescents will have different rules, but they should be consistently applied at all times. This helps children adjust to transitions, like moving to a new house or welcoming a new baby, and helps them feel that all children in your home are treated equally. If children are dealing with two very different sets of rules in each home, it may be time for an adults-only family meeting — otherwise children can learn to "work the system" for short-term gain but long-term problems.

• Love their mom. Maybe the overall measurement used by stepkids is your care and support for their previously single mother. She took care of them all by herself, and showing respect for that goes a long way. Being good to mom can mean the difference between a sound family structure and an all-out war at home.

• Make compromises. A good part of stepparent/stepchild relations is obviously territorial. Any attempt to "come into" the house and enforce ultimatums will probably be met with absolute scorn by anyone between the ages of 13 to 21. Even if you do pay the bills, it was their roof first. Be sensitive in your dealing; suggest and encourage rather than drawing lines in the sand.

• Put needs, not wants, first. Children need love, affection, and consistent rules above all else. Giving them toys or treats, especially if they're not earned with good grades or behavior, can lead to a situation where you feel like you're trading gifts for love. Similarly, if you feel guilty for treating your biological children differently from your stepchildren, don't buy gifts to make up for it. Do you best to figure out how to treat them more equally.

• Respect all parents. When a spouse's ex is deceased, it's important to be sensitive to and honor that person. If you and your spouse share custody with the birth parent, try to be courteous and compassionate in your interactions with each other. Never say negative things about the birth parent in front of the children. Doing so often backfires and children get angry with the parent making the remarks. No youngster likes to hear their moms and dads criticized, even if he or she is complaining about them to you.

• Talk to your spouse. Communication between you and your spouse is important so that you can make parenting decisions together. This is especially crucial if you each have different notions on parenting and discipline. If you're new to parenting as a stepfather, ask your spouse what would be the best way to get to know the children. Use resources to find out what children of different ages are interested in — and don't forget to ask them.

No matter what the circumstances of your new family, chances are there'll be some bumps along the way. But don't give up trying to make things work — even if things started off a little rocky, they still can improve as you and your new family members get to know each other better.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents and Step-Parents

Creating An Effective Behavioral Agreement With Your Teen

Having problems getting through to your defiant adolescent about needed behavior changes? A behavioral agreement may be the way to go. Behavioral agreements are contracts between parent and youngster intended to produce desired outcomes. It may be higher grades, doing more chores, developing a better attitude, or making new friends. Regardless, the process to create a behavioral agreement is the same.

All moms and dads have a wish list for their kids. College preparation may be on the list. Doing more work around the house, or at least keep their bedroom clean makes most lists. Improved attitudes and more respect for moms and dads and other adult authority figures can be big. Pick the changes and plan an agreement that will lead to what you want.

Points to consider before drafting a behavioral agreement:

1. You are unlikely to turn an extremely poor student into the class academic leader with one quick agreement. Pick your battles and put them in writing. Avoid making the agreement sound like an ultimatum if possible. This is a contract reached by something resembling mutual consent. If both of you do not agree on it, it will not work very well.

2. Reducing unwanted behavior should have a reward attached. Likewise, when positive behavior is observed, it needs to be rewarded, too. The trick here is to find out how much change is enough to receive a reward. If you make it too little change, you will see very little progress. If you make it too much change, your adolescent may lose the incentive to try. This can be a little trial and error until you find what works best for your youngster. Your adolescent will probably tell you if it is too hard. It is not likely to be said if it is too easy. Find a system of rewards that excite your adolescent enough to keep her working for it. The reward may be something that you have on your list of dislikes which is really not terrible in the big scheme of things (e.g., a body piercing).

3. Failing to come home on time needs to be part of an agreement if it is a problem. Playing too many video games for too long and too often may need to be considered. For most adolescents, you need to include sexual activity as something to be eliminated. You will have your own list of behaviors to eliminate.

4. Lack of quality communication is what leads to most situations between adolescents and their moms and dads. Use the development of this agreement to establish some lines of communication. Make sure that the changes are not to just make you happy, but are intended to cause long-term benefits for the adolescent.

5. Be flexible when opening the negotiations. Listen to your adolescent as much as you talk. Make sure that it is not just you lecturing your adolescent. Be willing to delay some of your wants to get your adolescent on board with the agreement. Once it is working and your youngster sees the upside, making a new and more extensive agreement will be much easier. Keep this one simple. A mutual agreement that will work is your goal.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Creating the behavioral agreement:

1. First, arrange a time to meet with all the grown-ups who are responsible for enforcing rules and disciplining your adolescent (e.g., biological parent who lives outside the home, stepparent).

2. Discuss the problems that you are having with your adolescent. Allow everyone involved to offer input as different issues may arise with different caregivers. Behaviors that may be addressed include:
  • treatment of parents
  • school performance
  • dating
  • curfew
  • car use
  • cell phone use
  • alcohol and drug abuse

3.  Note ideas on paper as you brainstorm together. Finalize a list of pertinent matters and number the matters in order of importance (e.g., potentially dangerous issues like drug and alcohol use require more urgent attention than the amount of time your adolescent spends on her cell phone).

4. Narrow the list down to no more than 5 behaviors that you want the adolescent to focus on improving. Include these behaviors in the initial agreement and add others at a later date as he progresses.

5. Write a sentence for each behavior that states how your adolescent is expected to behave in a given situation. Format the sentence in first person perspective from your adolescent’s point of view. Utilize positive words and phrases.

6. Decide on a positive consequence that will result when your adolescent fulfills the expectation (e.g., a special privilege). You may also choose to simply list the natural consequences of good behavior (e.g., trust, respect, more freedom).

7. Determine what the consequence will be if your adolescent fails to behave in the desired manner. Consider consequences that are effective with your youngster and appropriate to the behavior, as well as your ability to enforce the chosen discipline.

8. List both the positive and negative consequences underneath each expectation. Establish the period of time for which the agreement will be valid and note the date at the bottom.

9. Create a chart with each expectation listed on the side and the days of the week across the top. Track your adolescent’s behavior throughout the length of the agreement by filling in the chart accordingly.

10. Meet with all the parties who are involved in the agreement. Review the terms of the agreement and clarify any questions that are presented. Allow your adolescent an opportunity to offer constructive feedback.

11. Include revisions as required to the agreement. Have everyone sign and date the final draft. Make a copy of it for each party.

12. Use the behavior chart to monitor your adolescent’s behavior on a daily basis. Enforce the terms of the agreement consistently to achieve positive results.

13. Revise the behavioral contract accordingly upon its expiration date. New expectations can be added as your adolescent displays a consistent ability to make positive choices in situations addressed within the original agreement.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing With A Chronic "Running Away" Daughter

Hi Mark, My 16-year old granddaughter (who lives with her father) runs away from home fairly regularly ...usually 3-4 days at a time. And we never know where she stays during these stints. This is a critical problem for us now with the coronavirus because we don't know who she has been hanging out with or if they are contagious.. What can her father do to prevent this? What should he do if she does take off again? It's starting to become a real problem. And I worry about her safety - and ours. Thanks, A.

Too many teenagers run away 'from' something, rather 'to' something. Many teenage runaways leave home in search of safety and freedom from what they “consider” or “perceive to be” abusive treatment. Running away from home is usually a quick decision.

Each year, an estimated 1 million children, usually between the ages of 13 and 17, run away from home. The National Runaway Switchboard estimates that the average age has dropped from 16 years to 15 years, with 38% under the age of 14. While many children think about running away or may threaten to run away at some point during their childhood, for most children it never goes beyond a threat.

Increasingly, younger runaways appear to be from well-meaning families, and parents are taken by surprise at their child's actions. However, 41% of the runaways who call the National Runaway Switchboard indicate that "family dynamics" is the main reason for running.

Other concerns may be abuse, poor grades, social issues, and stress from conflicts at home or at school. Also, the breakdown in extended communities may be a factor. In previous generations, when family tensions flared, the parents and adolescent might get some respite care from a grandparent or relative who lived in the neighborhood. It wasn't unusual for the teen to stay with grandmother for a while. Unfortunately, few families today have those options available within their community.

Try to get at the heart of why she is wanting to run away!

There are several reasons children run away from home. Some do so because of an unstable family situation (divorce, a death in the family, sexual or physical abuse, or drug or alcohol problems in the parents). Some run away as a response to over-control, neglect, or conditional love. Some seek to wield power over, get undue attention from, manipulate, or punish their parents. Some suffer acute personal crises like pregnancy, substance abuse, or trouble with the law. Some are depressed, and some just seek adventure or are influenced to run away by their peers.

It may be helpful for parents to understand some of the warning signs that may appear in a preadolescent or adolescent who is considering running away. The three main causes for running away:
  • Frequent family fights. Some of the most common issues are about the teen's behavior, grades, friends, clothes, or staying out late.
  • Situations at home where the child feels unable to cope. Running away is usually a cry for help and may be the child's way of escaping abuse, a stepparent, or dealing with the breakup of the parents' marriage. These problems may be the most difficult for the parent to deal with because the parent may not acknowledge the seriousness of the situation.
  • Worries that the child is afraid to tell you. Troubles at school—including bullying, suspension or poor grades, anxiousness about peer issues, sexual orientation or pregnancy, and alcohol or drug problems—are not unusual concerns for students.

Other reasons for running away include the following:
  • For some it is fear of consequences for something they have done (bad grades, taking something that didn't belong to them, breaking up with a boy- or girl-friend, even deciding they are gay or lesbian is often a reason to run away.
  • For some reason, running away makes them feel free, unsupervised, no curfew hours, homework, dress code, eating habits.
  • For some teens, running away is a rebellion against adults and against authority.
  • One problem teenagers have at home these days is that both parents may be working. Mom and Dad aren't around much. They spend little time as a family. Absence of a parent does not make the heart grow fonder. Oftentimes a runaway will complain that he or she is not loved any more.
  • Some young people at risk of running away or becoming homeless are experiencing violence. When talking about their families, they describe being shouted at, sworn at, blamed for everything, scapegoated, hit, pushed, shoved and threatened by their parents or stepparents.
  • Sometimes the problem has to do with money. They can't wear expensive clothes like some of their friends. They can't buy tickets to concerts, or go on dates. For many teens economic obstacles are hard to deal with. They feel they are victims. They believe the outside world is better.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Transition times, such as moving to a new community or school, are high-risk times for students, and they may fantasize about their previous community or have romantic ideas about life on the streets. Other warning signs might include increased tension and decreased communication between the parent and child or the teen's withdrawal. These and other indicators of depression should be noted in the child.

For some parents, the first realization that there is a problem is when the adolescent runs away; for others, the child may threaten in anger to leave. The typical runaway will likely not stay away for long, typically 48 hours to 14 days. Also, very few leave their immediate community; they will usually stay with friends. Most runaways come home of their own accord. However, it is important that a threat to run away is not ignored.

What can parents do to make their children stay at home? One simple 'win over' gesture is to communicate, listen, help, understand and try to solve the problems patiently.

You can protect your child by providing a better quality of life at home. A loving and happy home atmosphere with good communication will help your child to feel secure, which will make them think twice before running away from home. Parents who care will also weigh their decision in the light of what is in the best interest of the children. Parents do not want there children to become neurotic and paranoid. Just take the time to show your child the love and affection that they deserve and need. By doing this you will not have to worry about your child being among the number of runaways in the world today.

Parents might respond to the child by listening to the child's concern and helping the child develop some strategies to cope with the problem. It may also be helpful to suggest talking with an empathetic third party such as a family friend, relative, or counselor. Reassuring the child that he is loved, and able to work through his concerns rather than running away, may help. If the child does leave, take the following actions:
  • Check with friends and relatives who are close to the child.
  • Don't be afraid to seek outside help from people who are not directly involved if it is easier for the child to talk to them.
  • If you are unable to contact your child, call the local police.
  • Make them feel it was worth coming home by listening and trying to understand their concerns, then seeing what can be done to change things.
  • When your child does come home, you may react with relief and then anger. However, let your children know that you are upset because you love them and are worried about their safety.

Working together to build communication and to improve the quality of the relationship between the parent and teen may be the most effective prevention for running away.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

"Should I tell him that I'm not his biological father?"

Hello Mr. Hutten,

I have a question for you. I have a 14 year old step son who does not know that I am not his biological father. His mother and I have been separated for 9 years. I get him and his brother, who is my biological son, three times a week. I have had this visitation arrangement with their mother for the entire 9 years.

I met the boy when he was 8 months old, and he really has no idea I am not his biological father.

That said, the boy treats me with no respect, gets into trouble and generally makes the time I have with him and his brother a nightmare. I could go on, but I am sure you can imagine what I have been going through.

My question-- Should I tell him that I am not his biological father? I really want to tell him because I do not think he appreciates exactly how good I have been to him. I spend a lot of time being angry at him and I think if he knew the real situation he might have a little more gratitude.

Please let me know what your professional opinion is.

Thank you so much for your help and your program.

Sincerely,

B.

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Yes! You should definitely tell him, but out of a sense of keeping the relationship on an honest level – not out of a need to apply your own hidden agenda (e.g., to lay a guilt-trip on him for how he has been treating you). Also, break the news to him at a time when things are calm – not after a heated argument or during conflict.

For all intents and purposes, he is your son – and as such, you should use all the disciplinary strategies in the eBook exactly as they are outlined. Some stepparents try to deal with the daunting task of being stepdad by taking the approach of "I won't interfere with your life." Unfortunately, this approach says to the stepchild: "I don't care that much about what happens to you." Stepchildren may resist involvement, but they will benefit far more -- and form a better relationship -- with an involved stepparent who applies both nurturing and discipline.

Give your stepson the gift of limits. Children need limits for healthy development. If they don't learn in the home that there are limits on their behavior, they'll have a harder time functioning in the outside world. If they resist limits -- and they will -- it will be easier for you to deal with it if you remind yourself that children do the same thing with their biological parents.

Use clear and explicit rules to establish limits. "You never told me that" may be a legitimate objection when you try to punish a child for breaking a limit. Limits should be clear, consistent, and invariably enforced. And there should be clearly understood consequences for following or disobeying them. Don't overwhelm your stepchildren with rules, but have enough of them to create a moral order in your home.

Let stepchildren participate in making the rules. Have regular family meetings. Use them for sharing positive experiences, openly airing grievances and concerns, and formulating rules. Children should not have the final say in establishing each rule. But they should know that they have been heard. It's a basic principle that people are much more likely to conform when they have participated in the decision-making process.

Encourage openness about feelings. "I hate you. You're not my father." It's tempting to reprove the child and forbid such language. But that teaches stepchildren to suppress their feelings. Instead, tell the child why this kind of statement hurts and how it makes you feel. Then explore with the child why he feels this way, reminding him that you still want to be his father. Be honest with your stepchildren about your own feelings, and encourage them to be honest about theirs.

Plan special times and experiences with your stepson. Shared experiences build intimacy. Spend time alone with him. Do something that the child considers special (e.g., going hunting or fishing).

Maintain your sense of humor. Humor helps keep matters in perspective. It helps relieve tension. It builds intimacy when you laugh with someone else. Sometimes you can use humor to resolve a problem with a stepchild. Humor won't cure all problems, but a lack of humor can kill the relationship.

Other than these items above, use the techniques outlined in the eBook.

Good luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

Have you ever heard of a case like mine...

hi mark,
i was wondering if you have ever heard of a case like mine. I divorced my bi-polar husband 9 years ago. our youngest son was 8 at the time with 12 and 13 year old sisters. i didn't have problems for several years with my ex interfering. he basically didn't want the kids when they were younger. he couldn't handle the responsibility and often forgot to pick them up on his weekends. when my middle wild child was 15, she was caught drinking at the county fair, i grounded her from the next night of the fair, and told her she would be on a very short leash until further notice. she ran away and was missing for a week. she made it appear that she jumped out of a window high enough to break her ankles or whatever. this was a ploy, i found out later.
anyway, needless to say i was frantic, and spent days calling around until i found out where she was. i asked her father to go with me to get her, he said to just let her go and she’d call me. he called to say she was with him and was too afraid to come home (i have never hit my children by the way). he used this situation to let her live with him. she loved it because there are no rules at his house, he lets her openly sleep with her boyfriend at his house.
I would make "sweeps" of the house and find a bag of pot or multiple bottles of cough syrup in her drawers etc. i tried to talk to her dad about it and he said she needed that cough syrup for her allergies or other ridiculous comments or he would say i was "making things up."
Her grades declined, the whole 9 yards. My ex cooperated loosely with the terms of our divorce initially because he thought we would reunite. he acted like he had made many of the changes i requested, but i found out he didn't and that he didn't want ME back, but his assets (didn't think me or the kids were assets). He started going out with a woman right after i told him there was no chance for us to get back together.
She had a daughter the same age as my middle girl, and a 13 year old boy who was immature enough to hang with my 9 or 10 year old son. this woman told my kids they could choose who to live with once they were 13. my oldest didn't want to live there because of the chaos but mostly because she and her younger sister hate each other. He stopped returning my youngest around this time. i tried everything to get him to cooperate. his doorbell didn't work, he didn't have an answering machine and this make communication with him and my children difficult.
i started going over to check on them every day and make sure they were okay. my ex was rarely there and didn't care if i did this at first. i kept requesting that he return them and he said it was "their choice and they preferred to be with me." i didn't want to get the courts involved so i visited my lawyer and just asked that he send my ex a nasty letter telling him to follow the visitation schedule or we would take him to court. He didn't, so i waited another 6 months and he filed a petition to change custody. he lost, appealed, lost, appealed to the appellate court in springfield and lost again. i requested that he pay some or all of the legal expenses, but the judge said i appeared to be capable of paying them even though he was (these are my words) using the courts to harass me.
I still owe money and have spent $10,000 on attorneys fees to find out that they couldn't MAKE him follow the visitation schedule, only put my children in a foster placement if they wouldn't come home. they would come home if he told them they had to. in the meantime, the court never made him abide by the visitation schedule and all this dragged on until my daughter turned 18 and then the court said she could stay with her dad (even though i pay for all her medical, dental, and eye) which means she is not an emancipated minor.
the judge actually said he couldn't really make an 18 year old live where she didn't want to live. do you believe that, i followed all the court orders and my kids and ex don't have to! anyway, that daughter and I get along well now and she has admitted that the lack of rules coupled with her dad buying her whatever she wanted was all she was thinking about when she was younger, and she regretted how she treated me.
i requested sanctions (punishment) against my ex. i didn't want my children's father jailed, so asked that he be fined for each day he violates visitation or that they let my son live with me until he is 18 as this would amount to about how much time was taken from me. instead the court said we all had to see a counselor separately and i would have to pay for half of that. i didn't think my ex would do it, but he did. the counselor's conclusion was that my son was a "pig" who had a narcissistic personality and would do or say anything to get his way. this might be because he has been living with his dad who fits this description perfectly.
do you have any suggestions for me? i feel like if i let him go, he will become more and more like his dad who doesn't respect anyone or anything, doesn't appreciate all he has since he's been given too much, doesn't know how to love and is the most unhappy man i have ever met! i'm quite worried about how he will feel about and treat women in his life. finally, are all family courts designed like the one here, to make money for the attorneys?
K.
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Hi K.,
I’m sorry you got the short end of the stick in the courts. What you described seems terribly unjust.
A child’s preference to live with the noncustodial parent can be a basis for modifying custody, but the child’s reasons must be well based and NOT appear to be the result of coaching or bribery. In one case, a father who was trying to gain custody of his 13-year-old had given his son a horse, two TVs, a minibike, a shotgun, and a private phone line the week before going to court. The father did not gain custody.
In addition to showing a change in circumstances, the parent seeking a change of custody must show that he or she can provide a better environment for the child than the child’s current environment.
A parent seeking to change custody through the court usually must show that the conditions have changed substantially since the last custody order. The change of circumstance usually involves something negative in the child’s current environment—such as improper supervision or harmful conflicts with the custodial parent or stepparent.
In order to discourage parents from constantly litigating custody, some states apply a special standard for custody modifications sought within the first year or two after a prior custody order. In those states, the parent must show not only a change of circumstances, but also that the child is endangered by the child’s current environment. After expiration of the one- or two-year period, the courts apply normal standards for modification (without having to show endangerment).
The most common standard for modification of child support is a substantial change in circumstances, which usually refers to a change in income of the parent who is paying support. If the parent suffers a loss of income, that could be a basis for reducing support; conversely, if the parent’s income increases, that could be a basis for increasing support.
Changes in the child’s circumstances can be a reason for modifying support. If the child has significant new expenses such as orthodonture, special classes, or health needs that are not covered by insurance, that too can be a reason for increasing support.
Significant changes in the income of the parent seeking support also can be a basis for modification. If the custodial parent’s income drops (particularly through no fault of the custodial parent), that might be a basis for increasing support. If the custodial parent’s income increases, that might be basis for reducing support from the noncustodial parent.
When a parent experiences a financial setback, one of the last things the parent may want to do is incur more expenses by hiring an attorney to try to reduce support. But if the parent has a good reason to reduce support, the money is well spent. If the local court is user-friendly, the parent seeking to change support might try to represent himself or herself.
If parents voluntarily wish to change custody, they may do so without having to prove special factors such as endangerment or a change in circumstances. Parents may change custody without obtaining a court order, but if the parent receiving custody wants to make the modification “official”—thus making it more difficult for the other parent to regain custody—it is best to obtain a court order modifying custody.
In addition, an informal change of custody will not necessarily stop a parent’s support obligation—only a court order can provide certainty of that.
In any event, it sounds like the court did not really do its job.
You asked if I had any suggestions: I would strongly encourage you to move on with your life. Time is ticking away …your kids are getting older. As they become more mature by virtue of time, you and they will have a greatly improved relationship. The best is yet to come. Put all the legal wrangling to rest. You take care of you. Be good to yourself. Start today!
Mark

Preventing Teenagers From Running Away: 15 Tips For Parents

The teenage years can be a tumultuous time, and as many moms and dads know, it is also a time when teens begin to flex their mental muscles, testing boundaries, and turning to peers rather than parents for advice. Sometimes emotions and arguments can become so intense that things get out of hand and the teen runs away.

Reasons Teens Run Away—

It may be hard for a mother or father to understand why adolescent’s runaway, so here are a few reasons that may help you to understand:

1. The adolescent may feel like she has to escape and get away from home to avoid something bad from happening (e.g., maybe you have been fighting a lot and she feels she just can’t go through it again …or she may be afraid you will be mad at her for something she did wrong or rules she disobeyed …or she may feel like you won’t forgive her so she has to leave).

2. An adolescent may be afraid that something bad might happen if she doesn’t leave home (e.g., living with a step-parent that she fights with a lot, the step-parent may make her feel like everyone would be happier without her).

3. The adolescent may feel that you “don’t understand,” and she may runaway to be with others that will let her just “be herself” (whether it is right or wrong).

4. An adolescent may runway to meet someone you told her to stay away from.

5. Sometimes just plain being lonely and begging for attention will cause an adolescent to runaway.

Other reasons teens run away include:

• abuse (violence in the family)
• arrival of a new stepparent
• birth of a new baby in the family
• teenagerren or parents drinking alcohol or taking drugs
• death in the family
• failing or dropping out of school
• family financial worries
• parents separating or divorcing
• peer pressure
• problems at school

Periodic vs. Persistent Running Away—

It’s important to distinguish between teens who run away periodically, and those who are persistent runners. The reasons behind the actions are quite different, and it’s critical to know what they are:
  • Periodic Running: When your teenager runs away after something has happened, it can be viewed as periodic running away. It’s not a consistent pattern, and your teenager is not using it as a problem-solving strategy all the time. It's also not something she uses to gain power. Rather, she might be trying to avoid some consequence, humiliation or embarrassment. Some teens leave home because they were caught cheating in school or because they became pregnant and were afraid of their parents’ disapproval.
  • Persistent Running: A teenager who consistently uses running away to gain power in the family has a persistent problem. Know that persistent running away is just another form of power struggle, manipulation, or “acting out” (a very high risk “acting out”). She may threaten her parents by saying, “If you make me do that, I'll run away.” She knows parents worry, and for many, it’s one of their greatest fears. Some moms and dads may engage in bargaining and over-negotiating with their teenagers just to keep them from running away. But understand that teens who threaten to run away are using it for power. This not only gives them power over themselves, but power over their mother and/or father. When parents give in to threats of running away, their teen starts using it to train them (e.g., a mother will learn to stop sending her teen to her room if she threatens to run away each time it happens). A teen who persistently threatens to run away is not running away to solve one problem – she is running away because that is her main problem-solving skill – she’s trying to avoid any type of accountability.

Red Flags—

Even though you can never really know for sure what an adolescent may be thinking, there are signs that you can look for that can help alert you to possible problems:
  • Does she avoid spending time with the rest of the family?
  • Do you ever agree on anything, or does it seem you only argue and fuss all the time?
  • Does your adolescent act strange, or have extremely emotional feelings that are out of control?
  • Has your adolescent been hanging out with bad company (e.g., peers who drink alcohol, use drugs, or other adolescents that just go out to look for trouble)?
  • Is your adolescent acting withdrawn and completely unsociable?

If you notice these signs, it would be wise to try and communicate with your adolescent, even if you have to get outside help to do so.

Prevention—

Unfortunately we can’t completely prevent adolescents from running away, but here are a few suggestions that may help:

1. Always approach something as a problem that needs to be solved, and reward your teen when he’s able to do it successfully. Be sure to say things like, “I liked the way you solved that problem. The teacher was mad at you, but you went up and apologized.” Praise your teenager when he does something positive.

2. Don’t scream and yell, or threaten your adolescent, this will only make him want to leave more.

3. Give a warning by saying, “Listen, if you run away, I can't stop you, but it's dangerous out there. I won't be able to protect you. So not only will you not solve your problems, you'll also be putting yourself at risk.”

4. Have a system where you check in with your teenager frequently. Just stop and ask, “How's it going?” …or “Is your day going O.K.?” You can say this two or three times in one day; go by their room and knock on the door. That way you're constantly giving her interest and affection. You’re saying in a roundabout way, “I'm interested in you, I care.”

5. If you don’t agree with your teenager, at least listen to her side, then calmly give your side. If things start to get out of control, take a break

6. If you feel your teenager may runaway, you can seek professional help with counseling.

7. If you think your teenager is at risk of running away or you know that her friends have done so, you want to sit down and have a talk. You could say, “If you become upset and run away, don't hesitate to come back and we'll talk about it.” If your teenager says, “Talk about what?” …say, “Talk about how to solve the problem differently.”

8. If your teen is very upset about something, you could say, “So what's so bad about this that you can't handle it?” After she tells you, you might say, “You've handled situations like this before. I’m sure you can do it again.” As a parent, you're not “giving in,” rather you're trying to persuade your teenager that she is O.K.

9. It's also good for moms and dads to say, “It's okay to make mistakes around here.” Make it clear to your teen that “the way we handle mistakes in our home is by facing up to them and dealing with them.”

10. Teach your teens “problem solving” skills. Ask them, “What can you do differently about this problem? What are some ways we can deal with this problem?”

11. Try not to interrupt your adolescent when she does come to you to talk …sometimes it helps the most to just listen. Show your adolescent respect and keep communication open by listening to what she has to say. Explain how much you love her, and that you will always be there for her.

12. When you talk to your teenager, don't ask her how she's feeling – ask her what's going on. All teens want to argue about how they're feeling—or they want to deny that they’re feeling anything at all. Often parents get stuck there. So instead of, “Why are you so upset?” try asking, “What’s going on? What happened that made you want to leave?”

13. When your teen threatens to run away, respond by saying, “Running away is not going to solve your problems. You're going to have to take responsibility for this. And if you do run away, you're still going to have to face this problem when you come home.” Then tell her what will solve her problems.

14. Don’t get tossed into panic-mode that your teenager will run away and you will never – ever – see her again. Most homeless teens return home soon after they leave. The keys seem to be (a) maintaining relationships with pro-social or mainstream peers (non-runaways), (b) staying in school, and (c) the support of parents – especially a teenager's mother. All of these factors influence teenagers to return home. More than two-thirds of newly homeless teens leave the streets, resolve their family differences, and go home.

15. Most important of all, though, is early intervention before family relationships deteriorate and negative peer influences take hold.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

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