Making Summer Vacation a Positive Experience

For teenagers, summer is the highlight of the year – no responsibilities, sleeping in until noon, a kitchen full of food, and the sweet smell of independence. Many moms and dads work full-time throughout the summer; some go on vacation and leave adolescents with an easygoing relative or friend; and some older adolescents are even left alone when moms and dads are away. All of the structure and scheduling that occurs during the school year turns into unadulterated freedom in the summer.

For moms and dads, the start of summer means the countdown to September is on. As yet another school year comes to a close, mothers/fathers are making last-minute plans to keep their adolescents occupied for three long months. Sure, a few weeks may be spent on a family vacation, some adolescents may attend summer school, and others may take up a new hobby. But that still leaves hours each day and days each week when adolescents are home with nothing to do. How many days can you invent amusing activities and outings that will keep your adolescent out of trouble?

With less structure and adult supervision, the summer is ripe with opportunities for adolescents to fall into a bad crowd, experiment with drugs or alcohol, or get into other forms of mischief. If your adolescent has been struggling during the school year, more trouble may be awaiting you in summer. Adolescents are looking for adventure, risk, and excitement, especially in the summer. Being bored at home is the exact opposite of what they need. They will find a way to take risks and live adventurously with or without your support and guidance.

Kids and teens that are not supervised are more likely to commit crimes, be victims of crimes, do drugs, or hang out with gang members. Young people start committing crimes around noon during the summer, compared to 3 p.m. during the school year. In addition, adolescents tend to commit drug crimes later in the evening during the summer, most likely because they can stay out later without worrying about getting up early for school. This means adolescents need constructive activities to occupy a broader range of time in summer than during the school year. For working moms and dads, it's difficult to be around from noon until late in the evening every day.

More adolescents try marijuana for the first time in summer than at any other time of year. This translates into 6,300 new users each day, a 40 percent increase in first-time youth marijuana use during June and July as compared to the rest of the year. A hike in new underage drinkers and cigarette smokers also occurs during the summer months.

By taking proper precautions and planning ahead, moms and dads can make summer vacation a positive and memorable growth experience for adolescents. Where should parents begin? Two words: Summer camp. Yes, there is cost involved, but for most struggling adolescents, the benefits are well worth the price.

Most adolescents want nothing more than a summer to hang out with their friends. However, for adolescents that are acting out, falling behind in school, disrespecting authority figures, or getting in trouble with the law, a break from negative peer influences may be exactly what they need. Sometimes the best thing for the whole family is to take a break, with a struggling adolescent attending camp to learn new skills and ways of approaching family conflict, and family members doing their own work at home.

There is no better way to make constructive use of free time than learning something new - a new skill, exploring an unfamiliar place, meeting new people. Therapeutic wilderness programs offer a unique opportunity for troubled adolescents to explore the wilderness on foot, learn primitive life skills, and participate in challenging group activities. When stripped of the comforts of home, like television, computers, and video games, adolescents connect with themselves and others on a deeper level.

Wilderness camps emphasize responsibility, self-awareness, teamwork, and communication, and challenge adolescents to achieve their personal best. Adolescents are introduced to a new group of peers and learn to relate to people of all backgrounds. They live in a structured, highly supervised environment, which helps adolescents gain perspective on life at home and build self-confidence and hope for a brighter future.

If summer camps and wilderness programs aren't right for your adolescent, consider getting him or her involved in volunteer work. Animal shelters, halfway houses, nursing homes, churches, homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and other organizations can keep adolescents occupied while developing a sense of purpose, self-confidence, and personal responsibility. In addition to teaching adolescents the joy of giving back, volunteer work looks great on college applications and resumes.

Another activity to keep adolescents busy this summer is a part-time job. Many moms and dads find internships or small tasks for their kids to do at their place of employment, or you can help your adolescent apply to local grocery stores, restaurants, retail stores, local car washes, or pet care facilities. Adolescents can also earn extra money babysitting, doing yard work, house-sitting, and other odd jobs. Part-time work helps adolescents budget, make friends, comply with authority, develop a strong work ethic, and learn the value of a dollar.

Keeping your youngster busy for the sake of being busy can be as disastrous as doing nothing. Your adolescent may rebel against the cluttered schedule and seek out more interesting people and places on his own. Your money would be put to better use in a summer camp with a clear, focused goal, such as a wilderness camp or weight-loss camp.

Moms and dads who are seeing early signs of behavioral or emotional problems in their kids have an excellent opportunity to get their children back on track during summer vacation. Waiting to address these issues until the summer has started or problems become serious would do a disservice to your adolescent. Start talking with your adolescent at least a month before the start of summer vacation to make plans, reserve a place at camp, and coordinate schedules.

More Tips for Making Summer Vacation a Positive Experience:

1. A stagnant economy may make the summer job search a bit more difficult than usual. But if your adolescent is serious about looking for summer work, encourage her to find (or create) a job that she can do during the morning (e.g., if she starts a lawn-mowing business, encourage her to schedule her appointments for the morning, before the hottest part of the day).

2. From volunteer experiences to summer internships to organized sports, summer vacation is an excellent time for adolescents to explore topics that interest them, but that they may not have the opportunity to delve into during the school year. If your adolescent enjoys sports, summer vacation is a great time to participate in a league or take part in a short-term skills camp. For adolescents who are interested in sports but who don't want to play, many youth leagues are always on the lookout for officials, scorekeepers, and coaches. If your family's financial situation is such that paid employment isn't a requirement for your adolescent during summer vacation, think about volunteer work or an unpaid internship. In addition to boosting your adolescent's college resume, these opportunities can also give your adolescent real-world work experience and insights into a career field that she is interested in.

3. Summer camp opportunities today include computer camp, finance camp, theater camp, wilderness camp, space camp, adventure camp, and many more. In addition to topic-centered summer camps, experienced professionals also operate innovative summer camps that are designed to support, motivate, and provide a memorable summer experience for all types of adolescents, including overweight kids and kids with learning disabilities, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and certain types of autism. In addition to providing a nurturing and accepting environment, weight loss summer camps and summer camps for special students can provide long-term educational, emotional, and therapeutic benefits for these kids.

4. If your adolescent has a history of behavior problems, defiance, substance abuse, or related challenges, summer vacation can be a difficult time both for him and for you. In the absence of the structure and support that is provided during the school year, summer vacation can cause significant backsliding in the behaviors of troubled adolescents and at-risk adolescents. To avoid these problems – and to turn summer vacation from a negative experience into a positive educational opportunity – educate yourself about the many therapeutic wilderness programs for troubled adolescents that have been established over the past few decades. In addition to helping your adolescent with issues related to behavior, mental health, and substance abuse, a summer wilderness program for troubled adolescents can also instill leadership values, personal responsibility, and a heightened sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

5. If your adolescent is a swimmer (or wants to learn), sign her up for morning lessons or a community team that practices during the a.m. hours. If your adolescent needs an academic boost, find a morning tutoring program (which serves the dual purpose of getting him out of bed and getting the "painful" part of the day out of the way).

6. If your adolescent wants some freedom during his summer vacation days, trade afternoon hours for morning chores. The benefits: Your adolescent is awake, your household chores are taken care of, and there's no daylong back and forth about what needs to be done. If the chores are done by a pre-determined time, afternoon activities are allowed; if the work isn't done, the afternoon schedule is curtailed or called off.

7. Realistically, handing your adolescent a schedule of morning chores, activities, and work assignments is not going to end your summer vacation stress. But anything you can do to encourage your adolescent to buy into (or take ownership of) the summer plan will make the process go much smoother. Sit down with your adolescent and discuss your hopes and plans for summer vacation. Perhaps you can trade hours (morning chores for afternoon fun), or maybe you can ease some restrictions (for example, an extended curfew) in exchange for desired behaviors (phoning home at predetermined times when out of the house, or completing a certain number of chores). In addition to reducing your adolescent's resistance to the summer vacation schedule, negotiating will make enforcement of punishments a bit more palatable, too, because your adolescent will know the penalty before he violated the rule.

There's a good chance that a significant portion of your adolescent's summer dreams involve, well, dreaming. From post-noon wake-ups to midday naps, extended snooze sessions can be among summer's most enticing opportunities for sleep-deprived, school-stressed adolescents. While there's no reason to insist that your adolescent rise with the sun during summer vacation, there are more than a few justifications for opposing a "wake me for dinner" mentality.

Don't just get by this summer, counting down the days until September. Wasted time is a wasted opportunity. A bold and exciting summer vacation can be a life-changing time of continued learning and personal exploration for adolescents.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting Troubled Teen Girls: 30 Tips for Parents

The teen years for girls are a period of real danger. Girls entering puberty often face a "crisis in confidence" which makes them vulnerable to risky behavior, and these bad choices can have devastating lifelong consequences. They are confronted with drugs, peer pressure, sex, dating, bullying and more.

Teen girls encounter more "stressors" in life, especially in their interpersonal relationships, than teen boys, and they react more strongly to those pressures, accounting in part for their higher levels of depression. The best way to help your troubled teen girl is to intervene as soon as you sense something is wrong.

Here are some important tips for raising teen girls:

1. Aim at building and maintaining strong family relationships, especially between daughters and fathers. While teen girls may rebel against this, a close-knit family is a strong support structure in times of need.

2. Allow teen girls to express themselves within reason and don’t take everything personally. It is not good to repress emotion and by occasionally overstepping boundaries, girls will get a feel for what is appropriate.

3. Ask your daughter's teachers and school staff for an update on her. If they are seeing the same behaviors that you are, it's sign that your teen girl is in trouble. If they tell you her grades are slipping, she's skipping class or becoming aggressive, you should be concerned. This is also important information to gather if you're going to take your daughter to therapy.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Be patient. It is very important not to lose your cool every time your daughter makes a mistake or goes wayward. Remember, patience and perseverance pays. Learn to give your teen girl some time to open up. Spend some quality time with her. Give her the freedom to approach you at anytime of the day. Once this is done, your daughter would discuss with you every time she is in a dilemma.

5. Define the problem. It's important to determine the source of your daughter's behavior. Although the teen years are a time of great flux, a complete behavioral change is not a normal facet of adolescence. If your daughter seems to have done a complete 180-degree personality change, it's important to determine why. There usually is a reason.

6. Discuss sex. This might be a little awkward for you, but it is very important to discuss everything related to sex with your daughter. With virginity not a big thing for the new generation, make sure your daughter realizes the need to be careful with her sexuality and the matters relating to sex. Ensure that she knows what is right and what is wrong, when it comes to sexual intimacy between a boy and a girl. Let her see the advantages of remaining a virgin. If you don’t talk about sex, she will gather information from the Internet and uneducated peers, which may lead to bad choices.

7. Don't feel you have to defend yourself. Your teen daughter may accuse you of things that are not true, say things that are hurtful or exaggerate situations. As the parent, you do not need to help them rationalize these things during an emotional moment. Likely your teen girl is not going to be able to hear what you are even saying, and if she is able to hear it, she will likely not be able to effectively process it. If you feel it is important to explain yourself (and often time it is not) then it is better to wait and do this during a time when emotions are under control.

8. Encourage daughters to set goals in life and as far as possible, model the balance between family and work.

9. Engage in family therapy. If your teenage daughter is abusive, whether you know it or not, it's affecting every member of your household. You'll want to involve everyone in therapy to deal with this issue.

10. Engage teen daughters in discussions about pop culture and advertising. Ask their opinion on the latest trends and whether she thinks they are healthy.

11. Find your teenage daughter a mentor that can help her weather the rocky teen years. Even if you feel as though you have a fairly open relationship with your teen girl, some things she simply cannot communicate to you. Whether it's a relative, a mentor from a non-profit organization or a friend of the family, allowing your teen girl to talk to someone without feeling hurt or jealous can help her talk her feelings and emotions out.

12. Get individual therapy for your daughter and any other family members greatly affected by the abuse. Parents of abusive teens can usually benefit from individual therapy or couples therapy as well, because it's extremely difficult to deal with this type of situation every day.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

13. Give space. Make sure not to be too nosy. Remember, your daughter needs some personal space and that she would not like you to interfere and be intrusive about every small thing in her life. Give her the space she wants, but do not let her totally loose. A little bit of restriction and a little bit of freedom will ensure a balanced lifestyle for her.

14. Help teenage daughters to reach their full potential. This can be done by encouraging interests and providing opportunities and training in those areas. Teach them independence and allow them to make decisions and learn from mistakes. Help her to find a path by asking her what her goals are. Troubled teens are often those that lack direction. Perhaps your teenage daughter hasn't thought about her future and chooses activities with short-sightedness. Help your daughter define the future and register her in activities and classes that will help to get her there and help to keep her out of trouble.

15. If your daughter is using drugs, she's probably not going to admit it. In fact, she'll probably try to hide it at all costs and make excuses to cover it up. If you want to know if your daughter is using, drug test her. Drug-testing kits are available at most local drug stores; you also can take her to her primary care physician to get tested. Drug tests aren't always reliable, because teens have ways of messing with them such as putting water in the test instead of urine. What your daughter and the therapist discuss is going to be confidential, which means the therapist will not be able to tell you anything your daughter has told her. However, if your daughter informs the therapist that she is in danger, then the therapist is mandated to let you know. For example, the therapist will tell you if your daughter is being abused, is suicidal or is using dangerous amounts of drugs.

16. Know what matters. It's important to keep your priorities intact during your daughter's struggles. If your daughter is dealing with larger emotional, social or psychological problems, it's probably not in anyone's best interest to nitpick over a messy room or poor grades. In this case, save your energy for the more important battles.

17. Listen and acknowledge. Make time to talk to your troubled daughter. Arrange a time and a safe, neutral place to draw your daughter out without too much pressure. This could be while driving in the car, watching a show or over dinner. Ask how things have been lately, and listen without lecturing, rebuttals or dismissing concerns. Instead, acknowledge and validate your daughter's concerns and fears. Let her know they are normal, and you want to talk about them. Open the lines of communication between you so you can better understand how she is feeling. Listen to complaints and woes, but don’t try and fix everything. It is more helpful to listen in an understanding manner to allow your daughter to come to her own conclusions.

18. Offer positive feedback so your daughter can count on your for a self-esteem boost. When your daughter acts up, it can be tempting to overreact and blow up at the situation, doling out harsh consequences and even harsher words. But a teen girl will see your reactions as typical and use them to fuel and validate her bad behavior. Before you say anything negative to your daughter, make sure it's prefaced by something positive. You'll likely simultaneously surprise her and let her know that she has worth in your eyes.

19. Open the lines of communication so that your daughter knows that they are available. You may be willing to talk, but your teen daughter doesn't feel comfortable opening up to you. Wait until you're in a casual setting; ask her open-ended questions about her life at school, her social life and her romantic life. She may be generally unreceptive at first, but you're letting her know that talking is OK, and you're available when she needs to vent.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

20. Provide a sounding board for your daughter. Although teens often seek autonomy and independence from their parents, they still need to feel loved, respected and understood. Talk to your teen girl about the things she's dealing with at school, her friends, and the pressures she might encounter. Let her know you're there for her as a safe and unwavering source of support. This will make her less likely to seek out approval and support from questionable sources.

21. Put yourself in your daughter’s position when trying to understand what seems to be an unreasonable request. Find out what motivated her to ask for such a thing.

22. Remain calm. This can be very difficult - especially if your daughter is yelling at your or saying hurtful things. However, if you also become extremely emotional, you will likely not have a productive interaction and you may end up feeling bad that you said things you later regret. Speaking in an even, calm voice often results in the other person lowering their voice and calming down.

23. Say "No". Too often parents sabotage their own efforts by saying "yes" too freely. Whether you don't have the energy for a fight or you simply don't care, saying "yes" too often can give your teenager too much freedom. Even if your daughter rebels, saying "no" lays the ground rules, especially if your daughter is dealing with drug or alcohol abuse. Learn to say "no" to your daughter when she begs you for money, the car or a late curfew. Be consistent and firm so your daughter knows what to expect.

24. Set and maintain boundaries in connection with activities such as drinking, driving, drugs, sex, curfews and computer use. Set clear consequences for breaking the rules and carry these through.

25. Stay involved with your daughter’s education, no matter what her level of ability, and guide her into wise subject choices according to her gifts.

26. Take space. If you feel yourself ready to blow, there is no reason why you cannot take space for yourself. A lot of parents find that going into the bathroom is the best way to do this (although each person should do what works best for them). Whether you go to take a shower or bath or just pretend you need to be in there doing something, often times this gives both the parent and the teenager a "cool off period" and prevents situations from escalating further. Teenagers most often will not bother others when they are in the bathroom with the door closed.

27. Talk to your daughter about what you're seeing and why you're concerned about her. More than likely she'll blow it off and say that you're worrying for nothing and she's fine. Most teenagers don't admit they need help to their parents.

28. Teach your teenage daughter calming techniques during non-emotional times. It is often helpful for parents to talk to their daughters about ways of remaining calmer during times when things are going well. Many parents come up with plans for their teenage daughters where they can ask to be left alone for ten minutes to listen to music and calm down before continuing the conversation. Other parents have worked with their daughters on deep breathing, counting to 10, writing down how they are feeling first before yelling it, etc. These can all be effective if discussed and reviewed during non-emotional times. You know your teen daughter the best and can likely help her find a technique or a couple techniques that will work for her.

29. Use positively discipline. Your troubled daughter expects that you'll yell and discipline when she does something you don't approve of. But positive discipline can be just as effective with teenagers who think they've got you figured out. Parenting experts recommend using positive discipline to teach teens the value of compliments and positive reinforcement. Avoid negative statements, and look for the good in your troubled daughter.

30. Validate. Let your daughter know that you understand she is upset (even if you don't understand why) and that you know it must be difficult for her to be that upset. Sometimes just feeling heard can make a very big difference in how your teenager responds to you. You don't need to agree or fully understand, just acknowledge and validate how she is feeling.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

"Discipline Tips" for Troubled Teens

If you are feeling fed-up with your teen’s behavior, you’re not the only one. Surprisingly, your troubled teen may be feeling just as fed-up with her behavior. A hostile teenager’s violent acts do not empower her, but leaves her feeling like she has little or no control over herself.

The period of adolescence hurtles a number of mental and physical changes at your teenager. If she has a strong foundation, which comes from your set rules and structure at home, then you can expect that she will be able to deal with these changes more easily and possibly never have to enter into a stage of hostility. If you do not provide a set structure for her to latch on to, then it is like she is plunging through fast-paced adolescence without a seat belt.

You may have noticed that as your youngster has grown from a toddler in her terrible twos to a teenager equipped with mood swings, applicable discipline has been more difficult to enforce.

By the time they reach the early teens, they might not care anymore if they get denied dessert after dinner or not. Nonetheless, there are still some applicable consequences, which may prove useful in disciplining your troubled teen. Here are just a few to get you started:

1. Allowance— The power of money can indeed be a useful tool for a mom/dad. Denying allowance as a consequence of defiant behavior can be utilized as well as giving bonuses when good actions are recognized.

2. Clothing— The way your teen dresses is a big part of his/her expression of individuality. By forcing certain types of clothing on them (for example khaki pants instead of grunge leather), you may prompt them to act in a particular way which is to your liking/approval.

3. Freedom— When your teen displays his maturity and responsibility, you may choose to respond with the opposite consequence and reward his positive actions with more freedom. By just making his curfew time an hour later than usual, you can encourage your youngster to keep at it with his display of responsible behavior. By showing them that you recognize that they are a youngster growing into an adult, you will motivate a sense of positive growth.

4. Grounding your Youngster— Taking away some of your teen’s freedom (like not letting them go out with friends on Friday night) may be just what they need to wake up and recognize that their behavior has been unacceptable.

 

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5. Material Things— A teen’s possessions can be of dear importance to her. By taking away certain items of significance, you can attempt to one’s control behavior.

6. Phone Privileges— A teenager’s peers are one of his main priorities. When you deny him phone privileges, you can expect results as this is not just a penalty they can easily ignore.

7. Time Together— Sometimes what a troubled teenager really craves for inside is just some quality time with a mom/dad. The warmth of care from a parent to his youngster has genuine beneficial effects on a teenager’s behavior.

8. Transportation— As soon as your youngster is old enough to have a student permit, his use of wheels is of prime importance to him. By restraining him from using the family car or making him use public transportation instead, you may have a firm hold over his behavior.

9. Trust— You must show your youngster the significance of a bond of trust between mom/dad and teen. When he commits a mistake which leads to a loss of trust on your part, then it would prove beneficial to think up possible ways or deeds he can do in order to gain your trust again.

10. Your Presence—Teens care a lot about their image and a mom/dad’s constant presence can be exactly what can prompt them to shape up.

If your teen’s mood swings control the entire atmosphere of your family, then you may be feeling at your teenager’s mercy. It is definitely difficult to deal with a hostile teenager, but parents must not be off in one corner feeling sorry for themselves because their efforts go by unnoticed. This is the time when your efforts should double, triple even, if your initial efforts do not take effect on your troubled teenager.

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Kids Who Can't Pay Attention

Mothers and fathers are troubled once they get a note from school stating that their youngster won't pay attention to the teacher or causes problems in class. One possible reason behind this sort of behavior is ADHD. 

Even though the youngster with ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER (ADHD) often wants to be a good student, the impulsive behavior and difficulty paying attention in class frequently interferes and causes problems. Educators, parents, and friends know that the youngster is misbehaving or different but they may not be able to tell exactly what is wrong.

Any youngster may show poor attention, distractibility, impulsivity, or hyperactivity sometimes, however the youngster with ATTENTION DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER shows these symptoms and behaviors more frequently and severely than other kids of the same age or developmental level. ADHD occurs in 3-5% of school age kids. ADHD must begin before the age of seven and it can continue into adulthood. ADHD runs in families with about 25% of biological mothers/fathers also having this medical condition.

A youngster with ATTENTION DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER often shows some of the following:

• blurts out answers

• easily distracted

• fidgets or squirms

• impatience

• inattention to details and makes careless mistakes

• interrupts or intrudes on others

• leaves seat and runs about or climbs excessively

• loses school supplies, forgets to turn in homework

• seems "on the go"

• talks too much and has difficulty playing quietly

• trouble finishing class work and homework

• trouble following multiple adult commands

• trouble listening

• trouble paying attention

You will find 3 forms of ATTENTION DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER. Some individuals only have trouble with attention and organization. This is sometimes called Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD. This is ADHD inattentive subtype. Other people have only the hyperactive and impulsive symptoms. This is ADHD-hyperactive subtype. The Third, and most commonly identified group consists of those people who have difficulties with attention and hyperactivity, or the combined type.

A youngster presenting with ATTENTION DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER signs and symptoms needs to have a comprehensive assessment. Moms and dads should ask their pediatrician or family physician to refer them to a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist, who can diagnose and treat this medical condition. A youngster with ADHD may also have other psychiatric disorders such as conduct disorder, anxiety disorder, depressive disorder, or bipolar disorder. These kids may also have learning disabilities.

Without appropriate treatment, the youngster may fall behind in schoolwork, and friendships may suffer. The youngster encounters more failure than achievement and is belittled by educators and family who do not understand a health problem.

Research plainly shows that treatment can help increase attention, focus, goal directed behavior, and organizational skills. Medications most likely to be helpful include the stimulants (various methylphenidate and amphetamine preparations) and the non-stimulant, atomoxetine. Other medications such as guanfacine, clonidine, and some antidepressants may also be helpful.

Other treatment methods may consist of cognitive-behavioral therapy, social skills training, parent education, and modifications to the youngster’s education program. Behavioral therapy can assist a youngster to control aggression, modulate social conduct, and be more successful. Cognitive therapy can help kids build self-esteem, reduce negative thoughts, and improve problem-solving skills. Moms and dads can learn management skills such as issuing instructions one-step at a time rather than issuing multiple requests at once. Education modifications can address ADHD symptoms along with any coexisting learning disabilities.

Moms and dads are often anxious when their youngster has learning difficulties in the school. There are many reasons for school failure, but a typical one is a particular learning disability. Kids with learning disabilities generally have a normal range of intelligence. They try very hard to follow instructions, concentrate, and "be good" at home and in school. Yet, despite this effort, he or she is not mastering school tasks and falls behind. Learning disabilities affect at least 1 in 10 school kids.

It is believed that learning disabilities are triggered by a difficulty with the nervous system that impacts receiving, processing, or communicating information. They may also run in families. Some kids with learning disabilities are also hyperactive; unable to sit still, easily distracted, and have a short attention span.

Psychiatrists point out that learning disabilities are treatable. If not discovered and treated early, however, they can have a destructive "snowballing" effect. For example, a youngster who does not learn addition in elementary school cannot understand algebra in high school. The youngster, trying very hard to learn, becomes more and more frustrated, and develops emotional problems such as low self-esteem in the face of repeated failure. Some learning disabled kids misbehave in school because they would rather be seen as "bad" than "stupid."

Moms and dads should be aware of the most frequent signals of learning disabilities, when a youngster:

• cannot understand the concept of time; is confused by "yesterday, today, tomorrow"
• easily loses or misplaces homework, schoolbooks, or other items
• fails to master reading, spelling, writing, and/or math skills, and thus fails
• has difficulty distinguishing right from left; difficulty identifying words or a tendency to reverse letters, words, or numbers; (for example, confusing 25 with 52, "b" with "d," or "on" with "no")
• has difficulty understanding and following instructions
• has trouble remembering what someone just told him or her
• lacks coordination in walking, sports, or small activities such as holding a pencil or tying a shoelace

Such difficulties should have a comprehensive assessment by a specialist who can evaluate all of the various issues impacting the youngster. A psychiatrist can help coordinate the assessment, and work with school professionals and other people to have the assessment and educational testing done to clarify if a learning disability exists. This involves speaking with the youngster and loved ones, analyzing their circumstances, critiquing the educational testing, and consulting with the school.

The psychiatrist will then make suggestions on suitable school placement, the need for specific help such as special educational services or speech-language therapy and help mothers/fathers assist their youngster in maximizing his or her learning potential. Sometimes individual or family psychotherapy will be recommended. Medication may be prescribed for hyperactivity or distractibility. It is important to strengthen the youngster's self-confidence, so vital for healthy development, and also help parents and other family members better understand and cope with the realities of living with a youngster with learning disabilities.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parents' Troubleshooting Guide for Teen Behavior Issues

Is your adolescent rebelling, defying your curfew, or hanging out with questionable kids? Here's how to nip behavior problems in the bud:

To be fair, no one has ever pretended that parenting an adolescent was going to be easy. Still, until your own kids reach that stage, it's tempting to believe your family will be immune to teen behavior problems. No, you tell yourself, your adolescent will never talk back, stay out too late or pierce her eyebrow. Dream on...

Adolescents are basically hard-wired to butt heads with their moms and dads. Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively. It's the task of the adolescent to fire their moms and dads and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers. But that doesn't mean you have to take it lying down. With the right approach, you can troubleshoot the following teen behavior problems in a relatively civilized fashion.

Behavior Problem 1:

Your Teen Seems To Hate You—

One minute your sweet youngster is begging you to come on the class trip or to lie down with her while she falls asleep. Then, seemingly overnight, she starts treating you like dirt, discounting everything you say and snickering at your suggestions. If you look closely, you'll see that you've been through this before, when she was a toddler -- only instead of shouting "no!" like a two-year-old would, an adolescent simply rolls her eyes in disgust.

It's so hard for moms and dads when this happens. But part of adolescence is about separating and individuating, and many kids need to reject their moms and dads in order to find their own identities. Teens focus on their friends more than on their families, which is normal too.

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Your Solution—

Sometimes moms and dads feel so hurt by their teens' treatment that they respond by returning the rejection -- which is a mistake. Adolescents know that they still need their moms and dads even if they can't admit it. The roller-coaster they put you on is also the one they're feeling internally. As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the time a youngster is 16 or 17.

But no one's saying your teen should be allowed to be truly nasty or to curse at you. When this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior standards. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." By letting your adolescent know that you're here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he'll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a rare treat.

Behavior Problem 2:

Communication Devices Rule Their Lives—

It's ironic that teenage forms of communication like IM-ing, text-messaging and talking on cell phones make them less communicative, at least with the people they live with. In today's world, though, forbidding all use of electronic devices is not only unrealistic, but unkind. Being networked with their friends is critical to most teens.

Your Solution—

Look at the big picture. If your youngster is functioning well in school, doing his chores at home and not completely retreating from family life, it's probably best to "lay off." It's also OK to set reasonable limits, such as no "texting" or cell phone calls during dinner. Some moms and dads prefer not to let teens have computers in their rooms, since it makes it harder to supervise computer usage, and this is perfectly reasonable. Many experts also suggest establishing a rule that the computer has to be off at least one hour before bedtime, as a way to ensure that teens get more sleep.

One good way to limit how many minutes your teen spends talking on his cell and texting: Require him to pay his own cell phone bills. And do your best to monitor what your youngster does when he's online, particularly if he is using networking sites like Facebook. You still own the home and computer -- so check into parental Internet controls and software to monitor use of any questionable web sites.

Behavior Problem 3:

Staying Out Too Late—

It's 10:30 p.m. and you told your daughter to be home by 10 p.m. Why does she ignore your curfew again and again? Part of what teens do is test limits. But the fact is that they actually want limits, so moms and dads need to keep setting them.

Your Solution—

Do some research before insisting that your youngster respect your curfew because it's possible that yours is unreasonable. Call a few parents of your teen's friends and find out when they expect their kids home. I suggest giving kids a 10-minute grace period, and if they defy that, to set consequences -- such as no going out at night for a week.

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If it seems like your youngster is staying out late because she's up to no good, or doesn't feel happy at home, then you need to talk with her and figure out what might be going on. However, if your curfew is in line with what what's typical in your teen's crowd, then it's time to set consequences and then enforce them if your teen continues to break your rules. When you make a rule, you have to mean it. You can't bluff adolescents -- they will always call you on it.

Behavior Problem 4:

Hanging Out with Kids You Don't Like—

You wince every time your son blasts through the front door with his greasy-haired, noisy buddies. Should you suck it up, or say something?

Your Solution—

Kids can wear weird clothes, pierce their lips, act rudely and still be decent kids. Moms and dads should hold off on criticizing something as superficial as fashion in their kids' friends. Adolescents are so attached to their friends that it's like criticizing them directly.

On the other hand, if you know that your youngster has taken up with a group of troubled teens who skip school and do drugs, a talk is in order. Without putting him on the defensive, tell your youngster you're concerned about who he's hanging out with and that you're worried he's doing drugs. While you can't forbid your youngster to hang around with certain kids, you can intervene and try to nip dangerous behaviors in the bud. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help about hanging out with a crowd engaged in negative behavior. Counseling or family therapy can help.

Behavior Problem 5:

Everything's a Drama—

Every little thing seems to set your daughter off lately, and the more you try to help, the more she sobs or shouts or slams the door. Part of being an adolescent is feeling things intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is hugely important to her.

Your Solution—

Moms and dads tend to trivialize the importance of things in adolescents' lives. What happens is that kids feel misunderstood, and eventually they will stop telling you anything. Right now it is the most important thing in the world that her best friend is flirting with her boyfriend, and you need to take it seriously.

Don't offer advice, disparage her friends or try to minimize it by saying that one day she'll see how silly high school romances are. Just listen and sympathize. And put yourself in her position -- because, after all, you were once there yourself.

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Motivating Your Child To Do Well In School

"My son was a excellent student in high school used to have awards in Science, Music, and Arts i was so proud as parent and also got high results at GCSE exams mostly A's & A* but since he start college he is under achieving student to the point he failed subjects last year, notice not doing his college work progress report are disappointing, noticed teachers are feed up as i feel the same and today he told me sorry that he is not doing his work my son said to me i do not want to do my work and said i do not know why? My question why my son is feeling this way?"

As young people today are confronted with new and unfamiliar issues when compared with young people in any recent or long-term past, many moms and dads struggle to identify the catalysts or strategies to stimulate and motivate their young people. Today's young people are faced with choices and circumstances their moms and dads didn't face. They live in a world where it requires a security badge to enter a high school…where they compete scholastically with 4.9 G.P.A.s…where classmates cheat using cell phone technology…where world events and economic issues make it scary to contemplate the future. Is it any wonder young people often lack motivation?

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As many experts reveal, a loss or lack of motivation in young people is often symptomatic of far greater issues, such as a lack of self-confidence, a lack of esteem, and so forth. To boost young people’ feelings of enthusiasm and drive, moms and dads can consider some expert advice and strategies for support.

Most of the problems of education are problems of motivation...When a youngster is self-motivated, the teacher cannot keep him from learning. Students who lack motivation often display a gap between their abilities and their academic output and effort. While this can appear at a very young age, including many elementary grades and ages, the lack of motivation is most strongly evident as students transition from middle and high school.

As students lose motivation at a young age, their inability to perform and their desire to achieve becomes a learned behavior, as students are labeled as “underachievers,” resulting in a student’s loss of self-esteem and confidence. A highly intelligent teen may be denied entrance into honor classes and urged to take either general or vocational classes because of a lackluster middle school performance. Such a situation easily becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If students lose enthusiasm at a young age, it is imperative that school leaders and moms and dads step in to guide these younger students towards more positive performance early on, as early-intervention can help prevent long-term consequences.

When an adolescent lacks motivation, the end result is often a teen lacking self-confidence, a teen with a bad attitude, or perhaps even a teen with behavior problems. When moms and dads are confronted with issues relating to young people’ behavior and motivation, there are a variety of expert-suggested strategies to help boost students’ performance and attitudes.

Many experts assert that young people are most strongly encouraged and supported when they are forced to motivate themselves. Young people can learn how to motivate themselves by engaging in student clubs, groups, or organizations that foster positive peer influence solutions. For example, some clubs focus on interests that may connect with a teen’s desired future career. In this case, students can determine their interests and goals, and then can simultaneously encounter clearer catalysts that drive their motivation and focus. If a student realizes he/she needs to attend college in order to achieve his/her dream, then the teen may encounter a new self-motivation to strive and succeed in school.

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In addition to young people engaging in clubs and activities that stimulate a self-motivation process, there are also many summer camps and teen-based courses (outside of most high school programs) that focus on teaching young people. During such camps, the basics of independent living, such as budgeting, handling a checkbook, obtaining a car loan, finding and maintaining an apartment, using credit wisely, and community participation are taught.

By teaching young people the more important and complex lessons of life after high school, many young people are able to realize how their current choices impact their long-term success. As a result, young people are again able to learn how to self-motivate with the guidance of expert sources and opportunities.

Many public high schools have implemented mentor programs for students, where high-achieving students volunteer to support students who are struggling. Oftentimes these mentors can help fellow young people with homework, or can just serve as a troubled teen’s friend and companion, as a mentor can help a teen to constructively work through problems, discuss issues and pressures that students encounter in and outside of school, and so forth. This avenue is a positive alternative to forcing students to deal with struggles on their own—especially when moms and dads are finding it difficult to connect with their teen.

Moms and dads can also support unmotivated young people by helping their child identify their strengths and abilities. In doing so, moms and dads should simultaneously encourage their teen’s achievements, while supporting their adolescent with enthusiasm and optimism. Adding to this approach, “If we are to motivate adolescents to learn what is in the curriculum, we must honor their learning styles, help them discover their unique abilities, and give them appropriate tools for successful achievement.

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Daughter is Sexually Assaulted

Hello Mark:

This is a strange experience. That is, sending a stranger, albeit we believe, a caring stranger such as you, an e-mail.

My wife and I have used your program with our now 14 year old daughter, but not as fully as we could or should have. Nevertheless, we thought we had used our ‘poker faces’, and given ‘consequences’ lectures effectively, and that a real change (with constant and exhausting monitoring) was taking place. We had a real setback a month or so ago, in terms of inappropriate Facebook activities, and had our daughter cancel her Facebook profile and account.

This was disappointing, but again we thought it was one of a series of setbacks that we thought would diminish in severity and with time.

We were thinking a level of real trust was slowly taking hold. We were wrong! Today is Saturday evening. Yesterday evening we found out that our daughter and her only real friend, (according to her), a 15 year old girlfriend whom she has been very close friends with for the last 2 years, were sexually assaulted in August. The 15 year old girl told an older female friend of her mother’s on Wednesday. The older female friend of the mother left a message with the mother, but the mother only replied to her telephone call yesterday.

The police were called yesterday, and a female police officer took private separate statements from the girls yesterday evening. According to the girls, they were scared about the consequences of their telling anyone what had happened. Apparently the girls had first met 3 older men (mid 20’s?) on the beach. They called our daughter’s girlfriend, who obviously had given them her number. A week or so later, the men called to arrange to meet the girls in the city. They picked them up, stopped at a liquor store, and went to the beach. The girls played on the beach and then drank the liquor that was provided to them by the men. The men then took them to a cabin away from the beach. 3 of the men raped our daughter’s girlfriend, and 2 raped our daughter. The men then drove the girls back to the city.

 

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We have been told that the major crime unit will be interviewing the girls this coming week, and speaking with us. Our daughter’s girlfriend was reluctant to do so, but revealed that she had the men’s telephone numbers and their supposed names. My daughter told me today that she and her girlfriend have concluded that it was not their fault that they put themselves in such a situation. At this point my wife and I have been supportive, and have tried to be careful not to condemn them. The interesting point is that the girls feel it is our fault, and the girlfriend’s single mother’s fault. That is, because of their previous activities, we have (we thought) been monitoring their activities more closely. They feel that if we had allowed them a freer rein to associate with their peer group friends, that they would not have gotten into a car with 3 older men and gone to the beach with them.

My wife and I are traumatized and confused. I started to look at your material again. Earlier last year, before we had your material, we went to family counselling to help our daughter, and realized it was a waste of time, money, emotional energy, and gave our daughter a chance to twist and tell tales. After I decided to look at your site again, I realized that I had not fully read all of the material. I know it seems easy to label someone, and to give a diagnosis, but the ODD and ADHD are uncannily accurate. My wife and I are basically teetotallers, and have not had trouble with the law.

We are in a quandary as to what to do next. We know that our daughter and her girlfriend will be given psychiatric assessments and counselling in the next coming weeks, along with an investigation as to the real identities of the rapists. Presumably a trial and court case will ensue if the rapists are caught. A few hours ago, my daughter, wife and I had another screaming match totally unrelated to the rape incident. Actually, our whole life with our daughter has been tense and stressful. It has been a combination of temper tantrums and screaming matches. The ‘poker face’ and ‘consequences’ suggestion helps but does not work all of the time. Our marriage has suffered greatly. Our daughter speaks rudely to me, but mostly to my wife, and has said many vicious and cruel things to her. Many times when my wife has cried about our daughter and our family situation, our daughter has sneered and derided her.

It seems that our daughter and her girlfriend feel relieved to tell their story about the rape, and now feel that they can go about their lives the way they used to. Today they are laughing and carrying on as though everything is normal. Our daughter told my wife last night that now she and her girlfriend will be more cautious. That was all.

What an e-mail I am sending to you, and what a surreal experience we have had since last night. My wife and I do not know what to do next. The real ramifications of the rapes will probably not manifest themselves until years later. We are concerned about this and know that this will have to be dealt with at a later time, but at present are more concerned about the here and now. We feel we have been loving and supporting with no condemnation, but know that the root of the problem with our daughter is still there.

We believe your program has a lot of merit, and know that each situation is different. My wife and I (even though I am told that there is always one more ounce of energy left in out reservoirs when we need it) are thoroughly exhausted mentally and physically. We also have an 18 year old son who has suffered along with us. My wife has stated that in order to cope with our daughter, she is going to give her notice to quit work at the end of this year. We know you are not God, but you do have a lot of experience in working with troubled teens. What would you suggest our best course of action to take is?

Sincerely,

A confused and traumatized father and mother on behalf of a confused and troubled teen…

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Teenagers and young adults are the age groups at greatest risk for rape -- especially acquaintance rape. About 50% of rape victims are under 18 years of age when they are victimized. Youths 12-17 are two to three times more likely to be sexually assaulted than adults. Most teenagers who are raped or sexually assaulted are victimized by someone they know.

It can be hard to help a child who's keeping a secret from you. Preteens and teenagers often turn to their friends to discuss deeply personal issues — and, unfortunately, something as serious as rape is no exception.

Perhaps your daughter fears you will get angry, thinking she "brought it on" in some way; perhaps you don't openly discuss sexual issues and she would feel uncomfortable telling you.

 

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Whatever the reason, reaching out to your daughter and keeping the lines of communication open is crucial to your relationship. Let your daughter know, often, that you're there to listen and want to know if anyone ever harms her.

Someone who's been raped might feel angered, frightened, numb, degraded, or confused. It's also normal to feel ashamed or embarrassed. Some people withdraw from friends and family. Others don't want to be alone. Some feel depressed, anxious, or nervous.

Sometimes the feelings surrounding rape may show up in physical ways, such as trouble sleeping or eating. It may be hard to concentrate in school or to participate in everyday activities. Experts often refer to these emotions — and their physical side effects — as rape trauma syndrome. The best way to work through them is with professional help.

If your daughter has confided in you that she is the victim of rape, it's important to seek medical care right away. A doctor will need to check for STDs and internal injuries. Even if your daughter doesn't get examined right away, it doesn't mean that she can't get a checkup later. A person can still go to a doctor or local clinic to get checked out for STDs, pregnancy, or injuries any time after being raped. In some cases, doctors can even gather evidence several days after a rape has occurred.

Those who have been raped sometimes avoid seeking help because they're afraid that talking about it will bring back memories or feelings that are too painful. But this can actually do more harm than good. Seeking help and emotional support through a trained professional is the best way to ensure long-term healing. Working through the pain sooner rather than later can help reduce symptoms like nightmares and flashbacks. It can also help someone avoid potentially harmful behaviors and emotions, like major depression or self-injury.

Rape survivors work through feelings differently. Ask your daughter what sort of counseling is preferable: Some people feel most comfortable talking one-on-one with a therapist. Others find that joining a support group where they can be with other survivors helps them to feel better, get their power back, and move on with their lives. In a support group, they can get help and might help others heal by sharing their experiences and ideas.

The emotional trauma caused by a sexual assault can be severe and long-lasting. The victim may be affected in many different ways. Although each person is unique, there are some feelings and reactions that most sexual assault victims experience. It may be helpful for your daughter to know about these responses. 

 

However, always remember that even though many victims experience similar reactions, there are still individual differences in how people respond to the trauma of rape. Your daughter may experience some or all of these symptoms. They may occur immediately, or one may have a delayed reaction weeks or months later. The feelings may be very intense at times. Sometimes the feelings seem to go away for a while and then come back again. Certain situations, such as seeing the assailant or testifying in court, may intensify the symptoms or cause them to reoccur.

 

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Initially, most sexual assault victims react with shock and disbelief. They may feel numb and dazed, withdrawn and distant from other people. They may want to forget about what happened and avoid people or situations that remind them of the assault.

There may be periods when the victim is preoccupied with thoughts and feelings about the assault. She may have unwanted memories or flashbacks and nightmares. When she thinks about what happened, she may re-experience some of the sensations and feelings she had during the assault, such as fear and powerlessness.

Many survivors experience intense emotions in the aftermath of a sexual assault. At times, she may feel angry. She may also feel afraid, anxious or depressed.

Some victims have physical symptoms, such as sleep disturbances, headaches, and stomachaches. They may find that it is very difficult to concentrate on routine activities. They may also experience changes in your sexuality, such as a loss of interest in sex or avoidance of sexual situations.

Fears about personal safety are an almost universal response to a sexual assault. She may become fearful in situations and places where she was never frightened before. During a sexual assault most victims feel powerless and/or terrified of being killed or seriously harmed. Afterwards, she may continue to feel frightened and vulnerable for a while.

Feelings of guilt and shame are common reactions following a sexual assault. Because of misconceptions about rape, some victims blame themselves, doubt their own judgment, or wonder if they were in some way responsible for the assault. Feelings of guilt and self-blame may be reinforced by the reactions of others, who, because of prevalent myths about rape, may blame the victim or criticize his or her behavior.

The victim may also feel ashamed. Some victims describe feeling dirty, devalued, and humiliated as a result of a sexual assault. Feelings of shame are often related to the powerlessness and helplessness victims experience during a sexual assault. Shame may also be a reaction to being forced by the assailant to participate in the crime.

Re: Alcohol Abuse. Please refer to session #4 in the online version of the eBook.

Mark

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Communicating Effectively with Teenagers

Are you finding raising adolescents to be difficult? If so, you are not alone. Raising adolescents in a successful way requires good communication skills. Moms & dads do not automatically posses the skills necessary to communicate with their adolescents in an effective way. Communication skills like any other kind of skill must be learned. The following tips can help you reach your adolescent and make the difficult job of raising adolescents that much easier.

Possessing a loving, evolving, healthy relationship with an adolescent means getting to know him or her as a person; this is especially important when we consider that a primary task of successfully navigating through adolescence is identity formation. Moms & dads, and anyone who works with troubled adolescents, will need to focus on taking intentional steps towards forming a meaningful relationship with the adolescent. A primary mechanism of discerning, learning, and understanding the personality characteristics and identity of a problem child is through effective communication. Effective communication incorporates a variety of skills some of which include attending behaviors, reflective listening, open and closed questions, and observation.

Attending Behaviors—

Attending behaviors, including eye contact, vocal qualities, verbal tracking, and body language, can communicate to adolescents that you truly want to hear and understand what he or she is saying. For a troubled adolescent, it may also communicate that you care and want to connect on a personal and emotional level. Although there are cultural differences in the effective use of attending, generally direct eye contact is considered a sign that the individual being spoken to is fully present and listening. Breaks in eye contact may inform the listener in determining topics that could be uncomfortable or distressing. Vocal qualities, on the part of either the speaker or the listener, such as changes in pitch, volume, and rate of speech, can communicate care, understanding, or a lack thereof.

Verbal tracking is another attending behavior that may assist the adult in receiving the entire content or emotion that is being communicated to the adolescent. If the adolescent tends to shift topics, you, the adult, may want to pull the conversation back to a specific “track” to obtain the full narrative of a situation or concern. In addition, body language, rather than verbal exchange, is a primary means of communicating with adolescents. A person may move towards another when interested and away when uninterested or uncomfortable. To facilitate open communication with an adolescent, body language must remain authentic, relaxed, open, respectful, and convey care and a sense of attentive presence.

Reflective Listening—

Reflective listening, such as through the use of paraphrasing, encouragers (e.g., nodding your head, saying uh-uh, repeating the last word of an adolescent’s sentence in the form of a question to encourage additional elaboration), or restating what you hear in your own words to confirm that you accurately understand the adolescent’s narrative or concern, demonstrates that you empathize and are interested. When a teen feels heard, he or she is more likely to remain open and develop trust with another. Attempt to reflect back to the adolescent not just the content, but also the feelings underneath the content. This aids the adolescent in identifying and labeling feelings, thereby increasing insight and understanding of self.

Open and Closed Questions—

Through the use of open and closed questions, you may assist an adolescent in exploring ideas and experiences from a variety of angles. This also helps in developing insight and self-awareness. Asking questions such as, “What else?”, “What happened before you felt afraid or acted out in anger?”, “Was there something different going on that made you react differently?”, “Could you give me a specific example?” facilitate understanding. Closed questions may be effective in obtaining specific information and generally begin with is, are, or do. Open questions encourage additional dialogue and generally begin with what, how, why, or could. However, when communicating with an adolescent, be particularly careful with the use of questions that begin with “Why?” The use of “why” questions may create a sense of feeling attacked or judged and may place the adolescent on his or her defensive. In addition, it is often a reality that the adolescent may be unclear as to the why of a feeling or reaction. Through open questions, we can assist him or her in increased understanding of who he or she is becoming as a person; it may also inform the adolescent on what could be driving his or her behaviors and emotions.

Observation—

Above all, observe the reactions of the adolescent and yourself when communicating. Are your responses, body language, questions, and/or tone of voice encouraging additional sharing or resulting in the adolescent withdrawing from the exchange? What signals is the adolescent providing through body language, rate of speech, and pitch? By utilizing attending behaviors, reflective listening, open and closed questions, and observation skills, we can increase our accessibility and approachability with the adolescents we care for and work with. This improves the ability to maintain an authentic connection and provides a firm foundation for a healthy and evolving relationship. It also models effective communication skills that the adolescent may carry for the rest of his or her life.

In summary, raising adolescents takes effort in communication. If you want to communicate with your adolescent successfully, treat them as the real people they are. Get to know them through these communication techniques. Show them you are interested in them and what they are saying by using the attending behaviors outlined above. Confirm to them that you do understand what they are saying through reflective listening techniques. Use open and closed questions to help get to the root of the problems being discussed. Finally, always tailor your communication style by careful observation of your adolescent's reactions. You want to engage your adolescent in the open exchange of thoughts and feelings. By using these communication techniques, you can become more effective at raising adolescents.

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5 Teen Behavior Problems & Their Solutions

Is your kid rebelling, defying your curfew, or hanging out with questionable kids? Here's how to nip behavior problems in the bud. To be fair, no one has ever pretended that parenting a kid was going to be easy. Still, until your own kids reach that stage, it's tempting to believe your family will be immune to teen behavior problems. No, you tell yourself, your kid will never talk back, stay out too late or pierce her eyebrow.

Dream on...

Adolescents are basically hard-wired to butt heads with their moms & dads, says Stuart Goldman, MD, director of psychiatric education at Children's Hospital in Boston. "Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively," he explains. "It's the task of the kid to fire their moms & dads and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers."

But that doesn't mean you have to take it lying down. With the right approach, you can troubleshoot the following teen behavior problems in a relatively civilized fashion.

Teen Behavior Problem 1: Your Teen Seems To Hate You

One minute your sweet child is begging you to come on the class trip or to lie down with her while she falls asleep. Then, seemingly overnight, she starts treating you like dirt, discounting everything you say and snickering at your suggestions. If you look closely, you'll see that you've been through this before, when she was a toddler -- only instead of shouting "no!" like a two-year-old would, a kid simply rolls her eyes in disgust.

"It's so hard for moms & dads when this happens," says Nadine Kaslow, PhD, a psychologist specializing in kids and families at Emory University in Atlanta. "But part of adolescence is about separating and individuating, and many kids need to reject their moms & dads in order to find their own identities." Teens focus on their friends more than on their families, which is normal too.

Parent’s solution—

Sometimes moms & dads feel so hurt by their teens' treatment that they respond by returning the rejection -- which is a mistake. "Adolescents know that they still need their moms & dads even if they can't admit it," says Goldman. "The roller-coaster they put you on is also the one they're feeling internally." As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the time a child is 16 or 17.

But no one's saying your teen should be allowed to be truly nasty or to curse at you; when this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior standards. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." By letting your kid know that you're here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he'll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a rare treat.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teen Behavior Problem 2: Communication Devices Rule Their Lives

It's ironic that teenage forms of communication like IM-ing, text-messaging and talking on cell phones make them less communicative, at least with the people they live with. In today's world, though, forbidding all use of electronic devices is not only unrealistic, but unkind. "Being networked with their friends is critical to most teens," says Goldman.

Parent’s solution—

Look at the big picture, advises Susan Bartell, PhD, an adolescent psychologist in New York. If your child is functioning well in school, doing his chores at home and not completely retreating from family life, it's probably best to "lay off." It's also OK to set reasonable limits, such as no "texting" or cell phone calls during dinner. Some moms & dads prefer not to let teens have computers in their rooms, since it makes it harder to supervise computer usage, and this is perfectly reasonable. Many experts also suggest establishing a rule that the computer has to be off at least one hour before bedtime, as a way to ensure that teens get more sleep.

One good way to limit how many minutes your teen spends talking on his cell and texting: Require him to pay his own cell phone bills. And do your best to monitor what your child does when he's online, particularly if he or she is using networking sites like MySpace and Facebook. You still own the home and computer -- so check into parental Internet controls and software to monitor use of any questionable web sites.

Teen Behavior Problem 3: Staying Out Too Late

It's 10:30 p.m. and you told your daughter to be home by 10 p.m. Why does she ignore your curfew again and again?

"Part of what teens do is test limits," explains Goldman. "But the fact is that they actually want limits, so moms & dads need to keep setting them."

Parent’s solution—

Do some research before insisting that your child respect your curfew because it's possible that yours is unreasonable. Call a few of your kids' friends' moms & dads and find out when they expect their kids home. Goldman suggests giving kids a 10-minute grace period, and if they defy that, to set consequences -- such as no going out at night for a week.

If it seems like your child is staying out late because she's up to no good, or doesn't feel happy at home, then you need to talk with her and figure out what might be going on. However, if your curfew is in line with what what's typical in your teen's crowd, then it's time to set consequences and then enforce them if your teen continues to break your rules. When you make a rule, you have to mean it. You can't bluff adolescents -- they will always call you on it.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teen Behavior Problem 4: Hanging Out with Kids You Don't Like

You wince every time your son traipses through the door with his greasy-haired, noisy buddies. Should you suck it up, or say something?

Parent’s solution--

Kids can wear weird clothes, pierce their lips, act rudely and still be decent kids, says Bartell, who advises moms & dads to hold off on criticizing something as superficial as fashion in their kids' friends. "Adolescents are so attached to their friends that it's like criticizing them directly."

On the other hand, if you know that your child has taken up with a group of troubled teens who skip school and do drugs, a talk is in order. "Without putting him on the defensive, tell your child you're concerned about who he's hanging out with and that you're worried he's doing drugs," says Bartell. While you can't forbid your child to hang around with certain kids, you can intervene and try to nip dangerous behaviors in the bud. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help about hanging out with a crowd engaged in negative behavior. Counseling or family therapy can help.

Teen Behavior Problem 5: Everything's a Drama

Every little thing seems to set your daughter off lately, and the more you try to help, the more she sobs or shouts or slams the door.

Part of being a kid is feeling things intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is hugely important to her.

Parent’s solution—

Moms & dads tend to trivialize the importance of things in adolescents' lives, says Bartell: "What happens is that kids feel misunderstood, and eventually they will stop telling you anything. Right now it is the most important thing in the world that her best friend is flirting with her boyfriend, and you need to take it seriously."

Don't offer advice, disparage her friends or try to minimize it by saying that one day she'll see how silly high school romances are. "Just listen and sympathize," says Bartell. And put yourself in her position -- because, after all, you were once there yourself.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents