Show No Emotion When Your Teenager Is Acting-Out: Tips for Parents

GOOD EVENING, I AM ON PAGE 25 of "My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook. I UNDERSTAND WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG AND THAT HAS PUT ME IN THE PLACE I AM NOW. BOTH MY TEENS KNOW HOW TO BREAK ME AND GET WHAT THEY WANT. I CANNOT KEEP A POKER FACE AND GET VERY, VERY UPSET. NOT SURE IF I AM ABLE TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE DIRECTIONS. WILL BE VERY HARD. ALSO BOTH MY TEENS WILL GO IN A RAGE ATTACK, WHICH I WOULD LIKE MORE INFO ON HOW TO HANDLE THEM. DO YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ON RAGE? IT REALLY SCARES ME. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING. ~ T.

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Hi T.,

I respectfully disagree with you when you say you cannot keep a "poker face" (i.e., showing no expressions of being upset or angry, because if you do, you are showing a sign of weakness to your teenager - and then he will know he has you in the palm of his hand).

But you are not alone with this belief. Many people believe that wearing a poker face is impossible (i.e., showing no emotion when things are going wrong). But those same people have already done it!

For example:

Many people have received terrible service at a restaurant. But when the waiter asked, “How was your dinner,” they put on a poker face and said “fine.”

Many people have been pulled over by a police officer and received a speeding ticket even though they knew they were not speeding. But instead of cussing out the cop and telling him to “go to hell,” they put on their poker face, said “yes sir,” signed their signature on the ticket and went on about their business.

You get the idea. It’s not a question of whether or not you can wear a poker face – you’ve already done it more times than you realize.

So, you too can wear a poker face – and you MUST wear a poker face for these strategies to work for you -- especially if your teens have a propensity for slipping into rage.

Try very hard not to show any emotion when reacting to the behaviors of your teens. The worst thing to do is to react strongly and emotionally. This will just make them push you that same way again.

Also, you do not want them to figure out what really bugs you. You want to try to remain as cool as possible while they are trying to drive you over the edge. This is not easy. But once you know what you are going to ignore and what will be addressed, it will be far easier not to let your feelings get the best of you.

I’m NOT asking you to NOT be afraid. I’m NOT asking you to NOT get angry. But I am asking you to "act as if" you are not afraid -- "act as if" you are not angry. This is a “fake it until you make it” approach.

Practice doing it -- then practice some more -- then practice doing it again.

Eventually, wearing a poker face will come as easily as “getting very, very upset.”

Hope this helps ...stay in touch,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter Problems

Question:

My daughter is 16 years old. I have had a lot of problems with her. She thinks she's her own boss. She goes in and out of the house without permission. Finally, after a lot of things that I have tried with her, I told her that if she was going to do whatever she wants, do not ask me for nothing. She kept on doing the same behavior.

Last night, I called her at 2:30 am, first she told me she was on her way to the house. I called again around 3:00 and she said she was going at a friend's house that she will be home in 30 more minutes.

I got so mad, I told her that I was going to close the doors. She said, “fine I’ll sleep at one of my friend's house.” I said ok but it will be forever. When she asked why, I said “because you don't listen to me,” and I hung up the phone.

This morning I disconnected her cell. When I came back from work, she was here grabbing her clothes. This is not the first time that she leaves the house. I am so tired of her attitude. So, she left the house.

What do you think I should do next? This has been going on for almost 6 months now. I think I had tried everything, but she won't listen to nobody.

Answer:

It sounds like you and your daughter are in a power struggle. Power struggles can create frustration, anger and resentment on the part of the parent and the child. Resentment can cause a further breakdown of communication until it seems as if all you do is argue.

In order to end such arguments, it must be the parent that begins to take charge in a positive way. However, the most effective step, to simply stop arguing, can also be the most difficult. It sounds quite simple, just stop arguing, but in reality, it takes discipline and effort to change the pattern of behavior. By refusing to participate in the argument, the power of the out-of-control child disappears. She only continues to have power over you if you allow her to.

To stop the power struggle, prepare yourself ahead of time. Sit down, after your daughter is in bed for the night and it is quiet, and make a list of the times that you most often argue. Is it getting ready for school, doing homework, completing chores, getting home on time, etc? For each situation, determine a few choices that you can give your kid.

When preparing the choices, make sure to list only those that you are willing to carry out. If you are not willing to pick up your daughter and bring her to school in her pajamas, don’t threaten to or she will know that she still has control of the situation.

Once you have decided on the choices you will give your out-of-control daughter, stick to them and practice your self-control to not yell. Walk away, leave the room, and wait outside if you have to. But an argument can only happen if there is more than one person. With just one person, it is simply a temper tantrum.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens