I am finally reaching a place ...

Mark,

The info you have e-mailed me has been very helpful. What a difference it has made just to have someone putting into words what I have been going through. Of course, everyone blames the parents. This is incredibly frustrating and angering, if you let it be this way. I am finally reaching a place where I am not nearly as embarrassed and angry. My child goes out of her way to make sure she embarrasses me publicly at every outing. Her father abused her mentally, and in all other ways. I stayed with him too long and blame myself for a lot of her problems.

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Hi B.,

I’m glad you are letting go of some issues and simply taking care of yourself. Good for you. I wish more parents had the insight that you now have.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I’m so sick and tired of all these fights...

Hello Mark,

I was on the chat site and with our time difference here in Australia, it’s hard to be there I guess when you’re on. Like I mentioned in chat, I have a 22 year old & an 18-year-old daughter and a 44-year-old husband, am 43. My 22 year old daughter for the last four months has been giving me grief, disrespecting me, showing me no respect in the way she speaks to me, she yells at me and uses foul language with me. We just don’t seem to get on at all, if we sit down and have a conversation, it all ends up in argument with her telling me its none of my business in what she does and where she goes. She has started hanging around with this girl from work, and since she, has my daughter has changed dramatically in her mood swings, she says I irritate her and she cant stand to be around me. She is always going away with this girl on weekends, and since she has met her, she has even now broken up with her boyfriend of just over a year, where they were talking bout getting married earlier on.

I have even accused my daughter if she is taking drugs, and we have gone to the doctors together to get a blood test, and it came up as negative. When she was young, my husband and I had a lot of problems, and we tried not to fight in front of the kids, but my husband can be a verbally abusive man and at one point was quite physically abusive towards me and sometimes not often to the older daughter, which I tried to stop and would hit him back. We have gone passed that stage a lot time ago and we got help for it, but now my older daughter says it has caught up with her and I guess in a way maybe she is punishing me for it.

Am so worried about her at the moment and feel that this girl that she is hanging around with has some kind of hold on her and I get this bad gut feeling, that maybe its just more then a friendship thing more of a relationship between the two of them. Usually she brings her other girlfriends at home but cause I told her earlier on, that there is something I don’t like about this girl, she is constantly hanging around with her, (she is 23) I’ve asked my daughter if this girl is a lesbian and she doesn’t say much she goes quiet, and I’ve asked my daughter if there is something going on between the two, she says what do you mean.

My husband in a heat of an argument accused my daughter that this girl is now her lover, she went absolutely spastic, and started calling my husband a pervert and a weirdo. I’m so sick and tired of all these fights and the disrespect that she is showing me for the last 4 months, am at the end of my rope at the moment, our house is a constant battle field every time we try to speak to my daughter and question her.

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Hi B.,

With all due respect dear mom, your daughter is an adult now and is capable of making her own decisions. I get the feeling that you are over-protecting her (which is the opposite of fostering the development of self-reliance). 

Is she still living at home?! If so, how much rent does she pay per month, and when will she be moving out? Is she attending college and working at least part-time?

You and your husband may have inadvertently set-up a Romeo & Juliette phenomenon (i.e., you’ve tried hard to discourage that relationship, and as a result the two have bonded more tightly).

I would let her spend time with her girlfriend, however let her know that she could still contact a sexually transmitted disease if she has unprotected sex. 

I am not condoning sexual activity at her age, but I am saying that your best efforts will not pull those two apart – in fact it may have the opposite effect of strengthening the relationship.

Also one thing that strikes me with this situation is the lack of openness your daughter has with you to come out and talk to you on this sensitive issue. Sounds like trust is broken and resentment is setting in.

Please review the Anger Management section of the online version of the ebook.

Time to (a) let go and (b) promote the development of self-reliance in your daughter.

Don’t let your daughter steal your joy. You did a great job of raising her in spite of her opinion about it.

Mark

Click here for more help ==> www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Daughter lies, skips school, and uses drugs...

My daughter continually lies to us, skips schools, refuses to follow rules, she's already been in drug rehab and I recently found out she was smoking pot, she doesn't want to live at home, she thinks she can live out on her own and she's 16 1/2. Any suggestions?

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Hi A.,

It’s O.K. for your daughter to seek independence, but you still need to know where she’s going and whom she’ll be with. Don’t assume every “teen” activity is properly supervised or safe unless you have chaperoned it or have otherwise satisfied yourself. All kids want a little fun, adventure and to “hang out” with their peers. You are probably going to have to work with other like-minded parents to provide safe supervised outlets for them.

Strictly from the standpoint of keeping your daughter out of trouble, help her pick a core group of friends who you are comfortable with. You should know them and their parents. Undoubtedly, next to properly supervising your child, her friends will have the greatest impact on her actions and what she is exposed to.

You don’t have the time -- and she doesn’t have the attention span -- to teach her what to do in every possible situation. She should trust her conscience -- if it feels or seems wrong, dangerous or unfair -- it probably is.

You have the absolute right and responsibility to set the rules. Where she goes, who she goes with, how late she stays out, what she wears, etc.. These are all examples of boundaries. We have all seen the no and low boundary kids. They are the ones who skip school, stay out as late as they like, drink, and experiment with drugs and sex. These kids also have that strong adolescent need for the company of friends. Since most parents have boundaries that prohibit their children from joining them, they are constantly on the look out to make new friends that can join them. Don’t let your child be one of them.

Talking alone is not going to solve all the conflicts that are inevitably going to occur between you and your daughter. But communication is at the base of the parenting pyramid. You can’t set clear boundaries, educate, counsel or coach with out it. There are times and situations were active listening and exploring feelings are appropriate. There are also times were a more directive approach is needed. Remember “out-of-control teens” are experts at verbal judo. Don’t expect them to thank you for your wisdom or see your logic when you have to make an unpopular decision.

Finally, look for appropriate opportunities for your adolescent to start solving her problems on her own. Begin to talk about college, her getting married, finding a job, eventually living on her own, etc. Encourage her independence-seeking.

Much more on this in my ebook: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl

Here’s to a better home environment, 

Mark