Prodigal Son Is Returning Home

I have however printed out the age appropriate behaviour/chore charts from the e-book and we are in the process of tailoring them to our household. I have one for our 9 yr old as well for fairness. I wanted to wait until C___ was home so that both S___ (his step dad) and I could talk to him together. I didn’t want to do it on the phone because C___ can, does and will play me at any given opportunity.

Before he left we told him that we would be changing the house around to accommodate for our growing family. C___ was previously staying in our sunroom, a huge room with access to the balcony. I know, I know.....he used it to full advantage....smoking outside....friends coming in the backdoor etc. We needed his old room for the baby because of its proximity to our room....anyway he will be going back to his old room.(and losing his teenage retreat!). In his absence we have converted the sunroom to a kids play/media room, with C___’s bed in there as a spare. We packed his things and they are in storage in the garage. I know that may sound harsh but we have been through this many times. It was cathartic for me to get in there and CLEAN IT OUT.

I guess what I'm asking is, was I wrong to store his things and convert his room? And do you think we are doomed to failure because I didn’t tell him immediately about our expectations of him, and wanted to show him a united front with his step dad. He has been very successful in the last 7 years at playing us off against each other, (well, playing me off against anyone that gets in his way really). Our plan was to tell him (together!) he is more than welcome to stay in the "spare" room initially and if he is willing to play by the rules, as setout in the above mentioned behaviour/chore chart, we will make up his old room for him.

I also am not allowing tv/games in bedrooms anymore, for the fact that he feels it is his right for the girlfriend to watch movies in there and they just happen to fall asleep. YEAH RIGHT. That will go down a treat. I am expecting loud vocal resistance to this, and many other things but as I said before, we are adamant to retain the peace in our home that has come about since he has gone, and I am prepared to tell him to go if he won’t tow the line.

I should have confidence in my decisions but I have never raised a teenager before, and especially one with Conduct Disorder. I guess I just need to know that our above decisions are ok? Or do you still think we will get punked?

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Re: ...was I wrong to store his things and convert his room, and do you think we are doomed to failure because I didn’t tell him immediately about our expectations of him, and wanted to show him a united front with his step dad?

>>>>> No, you were not wrong ...and no, you are not doomed.

Re: ...do you still think we will get punked?

>>>>> I predict that, if you stick to your guns, things will get worse for a short period of time (10 - 30 days), then you will begin to see some significant and positive behavioral changes in your son.

I'm glad you have a united front ...this is terribly important.

State the expectations and the consequences for violating the expectations. If he chooses to violate a house rule, follow through with the consequence. If he refuses to accept the consequence and is adamant about operating under his own rules, then you should remove him from the home.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

You Just Got Punked -- Again!

Hi Mark,

Good news (I hope). Just when I resigned myself to not having C___ back home with us in the near foreseeable future, he text messaged my phone requesting birth certificate and bank details because he has found a part time job. (Part time is good because it means he still intends to go to school). His own money is a worry because of his need to drink and smoke it. (And other drugs).

He came around home and visited briefly with his brothers, collected the above requested documents and left. I felt guarded and defensive, (and then guilty because being his mother I should've been more open and "loving"). He didn't know where he was going to be living, but he was clean and looked well, and was polite to myself and his brothers. He wanted to hold the baby and talk with my 9 yr old.

After he left I felt so bad I texted his phone and told him that I love him, even if I have trouble saying it at times. (And after a bit of self-discovery I realised I only have trouble saying it to him, not my other two sons??) He returned the message telling me that even though he hated me at times, and apologised for it, I was still his Mum an he loved me too. Thank God for modern technology because otherwise these sentiments would unsaid. Shame.

Anyway, as I was thinking of him today he texted me again and said he was thinking of coming home, if that was okay. I replied of course it was fine, but decided to leave the logistics until he returns. (The "rules", and if he doesn’t like them that he will have to go). Should I have told him then and there? This is the first time he has asked to come home of his own accord. We have physically dragged him home before.

He later messaged again asking for my help with work/tax related information so I called and he informed me that he would be returning in a few days. I still didn’t say anything about the rules. (Mind you, these rules are no different really to what we tried to enforce before.)

I am STILL afraid of upsetting him.

1. Why do I tread on eggshells around this child for fear of him getting upset?

2. So, why do I treat him differently? (His father died when he as 8 and I put his behaviour down to this earlier on, but then it escalated to the present day.)

3. Why has he managed to dictate the run of the house?

4. Why am I afraid to upset him? I am afraid it is too late for the rules and consequences because he has been away from home, and he has just done whatever he likes in the past. If I told him ‘no’ he would tell me to get f#$% … then go anyway?????

I am feeling some dread at his return... because I am not looking forward to his reaction when we tell him its our way or the highway, (because I don’t want him to leave again).
AGGGGHHH help....

B.

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Hi B.,

I only have one phrase for you: You Just Got Punked! (i.e., fell for a manipulated again).

Here you go again -- round 25.

Expect a honeymoon phase where things go well for a few days or weeks, then you'll be right back to where you started (i.e., major parent-child conflict).

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I am proud of myself -- I did it!

Dear Mark,

In reading your book, I realized that there are others out there that have exactly the same problems as I do, and who are making exactly the same mistakes as I was -- and that there are people like yourself that advocate what I believed in. This has helped me gain the strength I needed to tackle the onslaught. And let me tell you that this is exactly what it has been the last 3 weeks.

I put the expectations and responsibilities with the earning or loss of privileges on paper, and when I handed it to my son and wanted to discuss it with him – well, almighty hell broke loose! And this continued for a whole week – constant swearing and telling me he will not adhere to it and I will not control him.

Although battered and bruised by the emotional experience, I am proud of myself -- I did it! I put my poker face on and stuck to my guns. A week later, although he is still not earning any pocket money (as he refuses to do what I have put on the list), he did come to me and ask what he needed to do to get his computer back.

We are now at the un-grounding point (and the 'get the computer back' point) as he has managed to go a whole week without loosing his temper and swearing. He still does have the attitude that he will not do what is on the list, but I am watching him carefully -- and have been able to keep the discipline in place for the most relevant things I put on the list.

G.D.

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