I see this sad, lonely alone young man...

Hi Mark,

I bought the book some time ago, and it has helped tremendously. However, I still don't know what else to do.

2 years now, and my 18 year old son refuses to socialise, refuses to get a job (we are now in a foreign country, so he has a point), refuses any kind of help, refuses to get involved in any activities, whether they are lone activities or not,....his anger problem is a bit better, but still out of control.........better because of your book and my different re-action........

I see this sad, lonely alone young man, and it breaks my heart. 2 years now, and I'm his only contact. His Dad doesn't bother, and all our family have passed away. I just don't know what else to do. Over the years I've tried everything, and I mean everything, and everyone. Including giving him his own time and space, but nothing different happens. I get off his back. He is happy watching tv. using the computer and playing video games.

How can I help him, if he doesn't want to be helped? But I don't want to live like this anymore.

Please help me,

Anne Jackson


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You are living with a young adult who is emotionally/socially under-developed. Many factors have contributed to this, but to look at causes will be of little benefit.

I think it's possible that you feel sorry for him, and as such, are not implementing the "tough love" concept to it's fullest intent. Until you truly get on board with the program (i.e., follow the recommendations in the Online Version of the eBook, specifically the section in the Anger Management Chapter entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid"), then you will be living with a 28-year-old man ten years from now.

I would suggest "getting ON his back" rather than off. Give him a deadline in which he will either have to be working full time or attending school full time - or some combination thereof.

Mark
Online Parent Support

I feel I am heading in a new direction...

Hello Mark,

Thank you for your email. I believe things happen for a reason.

I have been looking for the guidance on how to handle my oldest son for a few years now. I was actually on line looking for a website for information on boot camps etc...when I came across your website just last night. This of course was in the midst of him refusing to come home and telling me he will come home when he wanted to....maybe 1,2,3:00 in the morning whatever he dediced and on top of that not knowing where my other son even was! Ugggh!

I have tried so many things and he has just got worse. Now...my youngest son 14 is riding on his brothers coat tails and beginning the same behavior. I so want to harness their behavior so it doesn't continue and wasn't only looking at them, but also at me and what could I change. Just this week I was looking at my parenting (single parent) and what I was doing to fuel the fire and not sure how/what to change. I did recognize a few things and made a start with those but when I read your website I realized I had found the right tools to guide me in my parenting. Your website described me & my teens to the "T"!! It was incredible to read what I have so far! I couldn't wait to get up this morning and start reading some more!

One of the things I learned so far from your website is...I have been doing some things right but still have a lot of work to do to change the way I parent my two boys. Also, what I have learned so far about why teens act/re-act they way they do has given me a better understanding of them and that they/we are not alone.

Thank you for creating your website and proving the guidance and information to help me through! In less than 24 hours I feel I am heading in a new direction. I am ready to face what comes our way.

Warmest Regards,

B.

Online Parent Support

Tackle Only One Problem At A Time

Mark, Exactly right about the punishments, as I have read, re-read your program over and over! My problem though is M______ is refusing most things.

1) Right now he is supposed to be doing his on laundry (as a consequence) and actually has done some of it, but won't fold it or put it away. I even offered to help fold while we watched a baseball game last night, but he refused.

2) He recently got back his "designer" clothes (dad gave back, did not "earn" back). I asked him to put them away (they are in a big hockey bag), again they are still in the bag in the middle of the bedroom floor.

3) He made a grilled cheese sandwich, burned the pan, left it on the stove, directed to clean it, he made a half-hearted attempt said he would "clean it when I get home from work", then never did (I needed it for dinner last night, so I ended up cleaning it).

4) was refusing to go see his counselor Friday, eventually did go, but ended up sitting in the waiting room.

5) is refusing to mow the lawn (which had been a paid job to help work off some of his debt)

6) said he was going "tanning" yesterday afternoon (at the end of our block), but part of his bond is to stay at home, was told no, he started walking, I went with him, he did return home, I did drive him and waited in the car.

7) he has missed his bus every morning for school, inconveniencing me and his little brother.

8) trying to talk on the phone EVERY chance he can possibly find. We have told him if he went to school on the bus every day, stayed off the phone, kept up with his laundry, kept his room tidy, did his other chores, did not swear at us, he could earn back the privilege of driving to/from school (to start). He has done none of these things.

SO WHAT CAN WE OFFER? I am finding things positive, having open conversations and saying "I love you" daily. This is what I'm struggling with. Thanks, J___
 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents 

 

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 Re: SO WHAT CAN WE OFFER? I am finding things positive, having open conversations and saying "I love you" daily. This is what I'm struggling with. 

O.K. Great question! Earning things back simply entails not repeating the offense in question. For example, your son violates curfew after he was given a warning that he will be grounded for 3 days without computer privileges. Two days go by and he returns home late again. So you restart the 3 days. If he makes it through the 3 days without missing his curfew, then he gets off ground and can get on the computer.

Notice in this example he didn't have to "earn" his way off discipline by doing laundry or mowing the grass. Also, in this example, you only tackled one problem rather than multiple problems. 

Judy, check out this blog entry ==> click here. I think this may be helpful in ironing out some minor details for you. Do not get discouraged, because you are greatly on track.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents