My son refuses to go to school...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your good advise. It’s really helping. We have hit a stumbling block as my son refuses to go to school and this keeps happening. We have taken away all privileges (phone computer TV, etc) He then went and punched his younger brother and hurt him for no reason whilst he was sitting peacefully to bait a reaction from me. When I asked why his answer was that he just did. I then extended the discipline saying that it would start again tomorrow. Today again he refused to go to school. However the issue that worries me at the moment is that I see that he has been taking some sleeping pills as he says that he can’t sleep at night. I am really worried and do not Know what to do. He is very angry at us and explosive all the time. The first two weeks have been going really well and then It started all other again.

Please help,

I.D.

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Emotional distress about attending school may include anxiety, temper tantrums, depression, or somatic symptoms. Parents are aware of absence, but the child often tries to persuade parents to allow him or her to stay home.

During school hours, the child usually stays home because it is considered a safe and secure environment. The child is unreasonably scared of going to school, might pretend to be sick or say he or she doesn't want to go to school, and usually wants to stay home because he or she feels safe there.

Children with school refusal are scared to go to school. They may be so scared that they won't leave the house. School refusal is most common in 5- and 6-year-olds and in 10- and 11-year-olds, but it can start at any age.

The problem might start after a child has been home for awhile, such as after a holiday, summer vacation, or brief illness. It also might happen after a stressful event, such as moving to a new house or the death of a pet or relative.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Children who won't go to school often say they feel sick. They might wake up and say they have a headache, stomachache, or sore throat. If they stay home from school, the "illness" might go away, but it comes back the next morning before school.

Children who refuse to go to school may worry about the safety of their parents or themselves. They may not want to be in a room by themselves, and they may be scared of the dark. They also may have trouble falling asleep by themselves and might have nightmares.

Parents can do several things to control school refusal before it becomes a routine, troublesome behavior.

Firmly getting the child to school regularly and on time will help. Not prolonging the goodbyes can help as well. Sometimes it works best if someone else can take the child to school after the parent or caregiver says goodbye at home.

It truly helps to believe that the child will get over this problem; discuss this with the child (the parent or caregiver needs to convince himself or herself of this before trying to convince the child).

Listening to the child's actual concerns and fears of going to school is important. Some of the reasons for refusing to attend school may include another child at school who is a bully, problems on the bus or carpool ride to school, or fears of inability to keep up with the other students in the classroom; these issues can be addressed if they are known. On the other hand, making too big a deal of school refusal may promote the child's behavior to continue.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Supportive counseling is often made available at school in these circumstances so as to minimize reinforcement of school avoidant behaviors and to prevent secondary gain from school refusal and should be encouraged for any student who wishes to have it. If the child simply refuses to go to school, some parents have found that decreasing the reward for staying home helps, for example, do not allow video games or television, or find out what work is being done in the school and provide similar education at home, when possible. This is especially if the "illness" seems to disappear once the child is allowed to stay at home.

The parent or caregiver should reassure the child that he or she will be there upon the child's return from school; this should be repeated over and over, if necessary. Let the child know that the parent or caregiver will be doing "boring stuff" at home during the school day. Always be on time to pick the child up from school if you provide transportation rather than a school bus.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

My husband wants to forbid her from seeing him...

Thank you for getting back to me. As a matter of fact, I have been doing just as you stated. She does see him [boyfriend] under certain conditions and supervision. I'll continue to keep practicing your suggestions and hope for the best.

I have been working with your program and I have to say, it is giving me confidence and I find myself looking forward to sitting down and reading the material. I keep repeating those things like "let go and let God". I'm beginning to believe that it is me who has to change my parenting role, now that I am dealing with a budding young adult.

Question: Should I sit down with her and just tell her that I acknowledge her feelings for this boy and that it is time for me to trust her, but that she and I need to agree on some parameters for seeing him? My husband wants to forbid her from seeing him, so now I have two problems. I can handle my husband, but I want to keep peace with everyone.

Thank you again,

T.

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Hi T.,

Re: ...should I sit down with her and just tell her that I acknowledge her feelings for this boy and that it is time for me to trust her, but that she and I need to agree on some parameters for seeing him?

Yes, most definitely.

Re: My husband wants to forbid her from seeing him...

This will create more problems than it solves. I guarantee it! Wanna take a bet?

Mark

Online Parent Support

This is just as much about my "self discovery" as a person and as a parent as it is about my daughter...

Hi Mark,

I just signed up for the Online Parent Support and have just completed Week #1.

After years of misbehaviour and conflict I took my daughter (just turned 11) to see a Pediatrician, on the recommendation of my family physician. After my first visit and interview with the Pediatrician, I was told that "if you look up ODD in the dictionary, you would likely see a picture of your daughter". We talked a little about this disorder and when I left his office I actually felt some relief that there was a reason my daughter behaves the way she does.

When I got home I went onto the internet wanting to find out as much as possible about this disorder so I could have a better understanding what was going on with her. During my research, I found your Online Parent Support website. As I read through some of the information, I thought this was exacting what I was looking for. When I signed up for the course I was desperate for answers as to why my daughter behaves and responds they way she does.

Since completing Week #1, I have found that this is just as much about my "self discovery" as a person and as a parent as it is about my daughter. How I react and interact with her is key. I have implemented many of the suggestions and techniques, and they have worked beautifully in defusing many situations that would have, otherwise, ended up in huge explosions, tantrums and hurt feelings.

Also, understanding this oppositional, defiant behaviour has given me so much more insight and compassion and, as a result, has given me the strength to stay calm, not react and to let go of the small things.

Thank you for providing this online parent support, I'm truly looking forward to Weeks 2-4.

Sincerely,

G.W.
Victoria, British Columbia

JOIN Online Parent Support

I am already seeing an amazing and positive difference...

Mark-

I am only on the second week of your program, but I am already seeing an amazing and positive difference in my daughter. We have struggled with her behavior since she was 9 months old. I was humbled and astounded to learn that I was a big part of the problem in the way that I was reacting to her. We actually have some peace in our home and she even hugs us and says “I love you” on a regular basis. She has even begun apologizing for getting angry and being unreasonable.

The next step is to help her bring her grades up and stay out of trouble at school. I have every confidence that we have turned a corner and I’m referring everyone I know to your program.

Thank you!

T.E.

Online Parent Support

Greetings Mark-

I am a social worker who delivers programs for parents and teens in conflict within their family. I am interested in your book, however, I would like to know if it would be applicable in a group setting. I work with the parents in one group and female teens in another group. I would like to know whether you have assessment/ evaluation tools for each person in the family. Each person does a personal evaluation at the beginning of the program and again at the end. I am looking for a comprehensive, easily understood tool. I thank you for considering my request and look forward to hearing back from you.

Barbara Thomas
Family Enhancement Program

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Hi Barbara,

Yes. It is applicable to a group setting. That's how I use it every week. My group is called the Parent Support Group. The online version, Online Parent Support (OPS), is the online version of the program.

Re: assessment tool. I only do a post-assessment and would be glad to offer that should you decide to use OPS for your groups.

Mark

Online Parent Support

He pee'd in the tub...

Mr. Hutten,

We purchased your online e-book/course. Initially, my husband and I were concerned that our son, R, who is twelve, did not fit the "profile" of an out-of-control teen. We were motivated to seek outside help and guidance due to the negative attitude we felt we were experiencing with R. This was primarily a talking back issue where R would continually "talk back" to us, mutter under his breath, and be purposely disagreeable. Additionally we saw problems of him thinking that he was smarter then everyone else, not doing schoolwork because he thought it was dumb, then lying to us when confronted by the bad grades.

We've started to review your material, but aren't sure how to incorporate it into our family dynamic.

We are writing this email because a recent incident has led us to believe that he is in jeopardy of becoming an "out-of-control teen." It's a very bizarre incident where R, while having a guest over to play the online game Halo, went into the bathroom we are currently renovating and urinated in the brand new tub. He did not wash it away and my husband discovered it while working in the bathroom. We called both boys out to the hall and asked "who did it?" Both boys denied it and we continued the dialogue with general comments of how inappropriate it was, etc... Later, after R's guest left, I asked him directly if it was him, he denied it, but after several minutes of listening to me, confessed that it was him that pee'd in the tub.

Our initial thinking is that he was just being totally lazy and did not want to miss a second of video game playing time, but we are incredibly disgusted, as well as extremely concerned. Where do we go from here? We don't think this is simply a boy being a boy kind of thing. We are concerned that this is part of the bigger picture of arrogance towards other people who he thinks couldn't possibly be smart enough to catch him.

We have determined that he will have a daily "hard labor" type chore around our house for the next five days, but on a larger scale what are we dealing with? In the past we have tried loss of all electronic games, loss of TV, loss of play dates, requirement to wear a uniform, (nice clothes), to school, all with little or no long term improvement.

Please email back with any suggestions.

Regards,

A. & J.

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Hi A. & J.,

Re: Backtalk—

With a little understanding and self-restraint, parents can put a lid on talking back. The reasons for back talk are as varied as the personalities of the children who use it. The child could be hungry, tired, or in a transitional period. But children who talk back usually do have one thing in common: They're trying to separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives.

Parents need to do some behavior tracking: For three days, make notes about what your child says, what the situation was, and how you responded. See if you notice any patterns. And keep in mind that when kids talk back, something else is going on underneath. The goal is to help them express it constructively.

You won't ever be able to avoid disagreements with your kids, but you can learn how to fight fair:

· Define what the problem is

· Define how to rectify it

· Don't attack

· Don't belittle

· Don't condemn

· Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future

12-year-olds often put parents on the defensive. Say your son borrowed a ring that had sentimental value and then lost it. You might blurt out, "How could you be so irresponsible!" Look out -- he'll most likely turn that response around on you: "Oh and you've never lost anything before? Excuse me for not being perfect!" Instead of attacking, try talking in concrete terms: "You did this, so I feel this." Use the restraint and respect you'd show a guest in your home. The goal is for you to express your feelings in a way that allows your child to take responsibility for them.

Re: Not doing schoolwork/bad grades—

Please refer to the section of the eBook [Online Version] entitled “Emails From Exasperated Parents.” Poor academic performance is addressed there.

Re: Lying—

One of the perpetual problems that many parents face is lying by their children. Parents will often personalize this problem and view it as a sign that their children lack respect for them. Parents may also believe that their parental authority is being undermined when their children distort the truth.

It is important that parents recognize that all behavior is purposeful, even the habit of lying. Some lying is a common feature of the human experience. Rather than focus on the specific lies told by their children and the implications of those lies, parents would be well-served in trying to understand the purposes underlying their children's need to distort the truth.

When parents confront their children about their pattern of lying, they may inadvertently make the problem worse. Parents may unintentionally promote a power-struggle and cause their children to actually become more deceptive about their behavior.

I believe that parents need to rethink their perspective for dealing with their children when they lie. I recommend that parents never use the word lying in front of their kids. Use of the word lie sets up an adversarial dynamic. It is preferable to use phrases such as "you need to be more up-front with me" or "you need to be honest with me". This relaxes the encounter and makes it more likely that you will get to the bottom of the situation.

Often children will lie if they feel intimidated or feel excessive pressure from a parent. For example, a child may be afraid of harsh, punitive treatment as a consequence for poor grades. Talking with your child on an on-going basis about the nature and quality of his work, rather than focusing on assessment is helpful in promoting more truthfulness.

Adolescence may be the most difficult developmental period for dealing with lying. Children, during the teen years, are looking for ways to separate from their parents through experimentation, concealing information, and acting guarded around their parents. Try to keep the lines of communications open. Set appropriate boundaries and limits. Monitor your children closely for substance abuse, and other acting-out behaviors. Never accept excuses for inappropriate behavior. Set logical consequences and stick to them. By setting these parameters, parents can reduce the opportunity for their teenagers to engage in lying.

Some guidelines for parents to cope with children who conceal the truth are:

· All behavior is purposeful, even lying. Lying is not always intentional deceit and may be aimed at getting attention from parents or manipulating a situation.

· All children will lie on occasion. It is inevitable. Remember your childhood?

· As a parent, role-model honest communications and behavior demonstrating integrity with your children. Children may pick up on inconsistencies in parenting and use those patterns as a reason to be untruthful and manipulative.

· Children may be embarrassed or sensitive about telling the truth. Acknowledge those feelings with them, but insist on knowing the truth.

· Monitor your children's behavior (without over-involvement) to see if you notice any red-flags.

· Never make the issue of deception the main focal point of your conversations. Lying is always a byproduct of other more meaningful areas of exploration with your children.

· Never set-up your child by being aware of a lie and then asking him for the truth without discussing that you have information. Acknowledge up-front that you know what's going on.

· Reframe the word lying. Use terminology that means the same, but softens the conflict.

· Stay out of power-struggles with teens over deception. If you know they are being untruthful, merely acknowledge it and set reasonable, logical consequences.

· When children tell the truth, reinforce their positive behavior.

Remember that lying is purposeful behavior that can be minimized with healthy involvement with your children, appropriate monitoring, sensitivity and understanding, and role-modeling of honest, open, and emotionally expressive communications.

Re: Where do we go from here?—

Your son urinated in the tub for one simple reason: He didn’t think he would get caught.

Simply state the house rule and the consequence for violating the rule (e.g., “No urinating anywhere other than in the toilet …if you choose to urinate somewhere other than in the toilet, you’ll choose the consequence, which will be grounding for 3 days with no privileges”). Then issue a consequence if he violates the house rule.

Don’t get too paranoid over this problem. I see it as a one-time event. If it becomes a pattern, then we need to talk again in a future email.

Re: In the past we have tried loss of all electronic games, loss of TV, loss of play dates, requirement to wear a uniform, (nice clothes), to school, all with little or no long term improvement—

How long did the “loss” last. 1 - 3 days hopefully.

If you will discipline as outlined in the eBook (i.e., start with the least restrictive consequence first), then you will see some positive behavior changes occur. Most parents have grounded for too long.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Child

He has obviously worked out what I'm doing & is not happy about it....

Hi,

This afternoon I told my 11y/o son that if he went out without my permission he would be grounded for 3 days. His reply was "why 3 days?" "Is it because of the new site you have in your favourites on the computer?" (We share the one computer.) I told him we would talk about it later. How should I deal with this? Is it OK for him to know that I am getting help from you?

He has obviously worked out what I'm doing & is not happy about it. He has asked several times about it whilst throwing daggers at me with his eyes.

How much should I tell him? I have always been as honest as possible with him, without being stupid of course.

I have just started putting week 2 into practice but already I am seeing a huge difference. I don't think I've yelled once in the last 9 days & I feel much more relaxed.

After not turning off the computer this morning when asked, I turned it off for him, I got yelled at (I stayed calm & quiet).

While calming himself down, he closed & locked doors ready for us to leave without being asked. I AM AMAZED.

Regards,

C.

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Hi C.,

Re: This afternoon I told my 11y/o son that if he went out without my permission he would be grounded for 3 days.

Actually you want to start with the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., grounding for one day without one his most favorite things – like the phone and computer). Then if he refuses to accept the least restrictive consequence, you issue the 3-day-discipline: grounding for 3 days with NO privileges.

Re: Is it OK for him to know that I am getting help from you?

It would be best that he not know what you are up to. Otherwise it's like showing him your poker hand in a game of poker.

Re: How much should I tell him?

If you noticed, I outline in each session assignments {Online Version of the eBook} exactly what to tell the child with respect to "giving him/her a heads-up" on what you plan to do.

Keep up the good work,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child