RE: "My oldest daughter was arrested today..."

I need major help. I prayed to God, read the bible and have been even studying the bible with a Jehovah witness (not that I understand the religion at all). My point is my oldest daughter, N___ was arrested today for shoplifting a sports store. Come to find out this wasn't the first time. She went to Winco (grocery store) and was caught stealing with a girlfriend top roman and gum. They were let go to someone posing as their mother. I am going to file charges against this women when I find her. Also her friend gave them my last as hers.

This friend and my daughter are bad news together and the girl already has had problems with the law as well is mother of a 11 month old at age 17. Her mother keeps threatening her that is going to file custody of her grandson. Sorry, back to my daughter, N___ - She tells my husband and I that we are to strict on her and that is part of why she keeps doing what she has been doing.

We let her go into Independent studies and start cosmetology school through an ROP program. I wonder if this was my first mistake. I had a hard but was convinced with the support of the counselor and psychologist at her high school that it would work for her to transfer to Independence high school where she would go to school once a week, then go to cosmetology the rest of the week plus work and make time for getting home work packets done. This also meant my husband and getting another car so N___ could drive back and forth to beauty college in another town. She was given a lot of trust and I thought this would be good for her since she is a natural at doing hair already and she doesn't want to go to college after high school. We made a deal that she would work hard since she wanted to become a cosmetologist sooner than later. I thought it would give her something she would work hard at and make good. I was wrong, she got mixed up with the wrong person and is on a destruction path.

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My husband said he knew and worried that her going to Cosmo school and all would be trouble. He wasn't trusting of her. But here we are now. I don't know what to do. Do I take everything away from her? Going to Cosmo school, the car. She is going to have go to Reach program through the police department which we had put her in before on a voluntary basis about three years ago and who knows what else will happen after going to court.... Her friend let her in dust at the store. We think she was the in on it but didn't get caught with anything on her. I feel my daughter has destructive illness and she is just 17 this last April. In another year she will be 18. What do I do? I am so scared for her and the toll it takes on everyone else in the family. Thank you for you time and sorry I feel I have written so much. But I don't know where to turn and going back into regular counseling, well I just can't see that working. She just keeps defying everyone and everything, but then can be so loving and caring. What is happening to this world and the people on it? Please help. Thank you, L.

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Hi L.,

Re: shoplifting—

Here are a few tips to help you get through this trying time:

· Avoid confronting your teenager at the scene or facility. It just will not help and could go against both of you if charges are filed.

· Find out who is in charge and treat this person with respect. Find out if charges are being filed. Write these things down; do not rely on your memory.

· Lay out the consequences in an Action Plan for your teenager.

· Talk with your spouse about consequences. Try and do this a day or two later, so that you know you are over the shock and have calmed down.

· When you first get the call, write down where you need to go to get your teenager and the phone number of the facility. Many parents do not do this and try to figure it out after they have hung up the phone. Avoid this added stress by writing it all down.

· When you get home with your teenager, take a time out. You will both need it. There is nothing wrong with letting your teenager know that you are not prepared to discuss this with them yet.

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Re: negative peer influence—

You may not be comfortable about your daughter's choice of friends or peer group. This may be because of their image, negative attitudes, or serious behaviors.

Here are some suggestions:

· Check whether your concerns about their friends are real and important.

· Do not attack your child's friends. Remember that criticizing your teen's choice of friends is like a personal attack.

· Encourage reflective thinking by helping your teen think about his or her actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.

· Encourage your teen's independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.

· Get to know the friends of your teen. Learn their names, invite them into your home so you can talk and listen to them, and introduce yourself to their parents.

· Help your teen understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he or she is).

· If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behavior and choices -- not the friends.

· Keep the lines of communication open and find out why these friends are important to your teenager.

· Let your teen know of your concerns and feelings.

· Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, she must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

Re: Do I take everything away from her?

No. She received (or will receive) a natural consequence (i.e., via the Reach Program).

Don’t pull the plug on her. Allow her to these mistakes – this is the only way she’ll learn anything. Trust that she will make better choices based on her learning.

That’s right. She should keep her car and should be allowed to continue her education. If she had not received legal consequences, the recommendation would be different.

Remember: As parents, our #1 goal is to foster the development of self-reliance in our children. Taking away her car and education will have the opposite effect – that is, it will foster more dependency.

Simply allow her to fully experience the uncomfortable emotions associated with her poor choices (in this case, to shoplift, which resulted in getting busted).

Mark

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S___ urinated in the corner of the restroom...

Good morning.

My mother had purchased your CD’s to help aid in the raising of my nephew (8) S and my niece (17) P. They were taken from their home due to neglect. It was in deplorable condition. Simply unfit to live. They were in foster care for 2 years, and now they are with me. I am their legal guardian.

S has attachment disorder, oppositional defiant, been diagnosed with ADHD. I am trying to implement your ideas & strategies for some successes. The Dr, teachers, principal and I finally decided to try some medicine. At first, 10 mg medadate (sp), did not seem to change anything. We now have him on 20 mg Adderall RX.

All at school seem to see an improvement. S does not want to be on medication and I prefer no medication as well.

His newest report from school yesterday, his teacher wrote:

“S urinated in the corner of the restroom. He told the truth and admitted it. (It could not have been an accident. It was far back in the corner and the stool was dry).”

Whoa, just when I thought things are on the upswing!

I am planning on getting him into a psychiatrist next. (one that will take Medicaid, as I simply cannot afford all of this)

I thought being with family would be better than another foster home or someone adopting. I am a career woman and this changed my world dramatically. I am very grateful God gives us a new day every day, because some of these days are very long and the feeling of hopelessness comes over me. But as the morning sun comes up, I feel refreshed, energized and seek more wisdom from God and other resources to “do the best parenting I can for these two children”.

Anything you might be able to share about this “recent urination episode?”

Thanks in advance…I’m going to review some of your CD’s again.

Sincerely,

L.

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Hi L.,

When a child does little weird things like peeing in the corner, it is usually because he feels he has no control in other areas of his life. So by doing something like peeing in an appropriate location gives him a sense of control.

As human beings, we all want to feel we have some control over our lives -- and if we don't, we'll find a way to get it. People of all ages have the same basic needs.

Offering a child a choice is powerful! When they're very young, say two or three years old we can show them two plastic cups; a blue one and a green one and ask: "Do you want the blue one or the green one?" Or you can say: "Do you want to sit in this chair or that chair?" or "Do you want to wear your green pajamas or your blue pajamas?" It makes them feel they have some power and control and consequently are less likely to gain it in inappropriate ways. It also tells them their likes and dislikes matter to you. As well, children who are given choices learn to start thinking for themselves. They become less reliant on other people to make decisions for them.

As children get older we can start offering them more than two choices, keeping in mind that all the options you're presenting must be acceptable to you. You can say: "Here are some choices for lunch; vegetable soup, peanut butter sandwich or grilled cheese sandwich." Or you might say, "Do you want to play a game tonight? We could play this, or this, or this. Choose one." If you're having a difficult time getting your child to do something, you can say: "I need you to clear your plate away. Do you want to put it on the counter or in the dishwasher?"

As children approach their middle and teen years you can continue to use choices. You can say: "I'd like your homework done before 8pm. Do you want to do it at the kitchen table or in your room?" Or you might say: "I need some help in the kitchen. Would you like to empty the dishwasher, sweep the floor or fill the dishwasher?" Offering a choice significantly reduces arguments around tasks that need to be done around the house.

One of the problems parents might encounter with choices is that their kids don't want either or any of the choices you're offering. If that's the case, the next choice becomes: "Do you want to choose or would you like me to choose?" The majority of the time, kids will make a choice and that will be the end of it. Using this simple tool you'll find you can eliminate many power struggles and arguments.

Children are as human as the rest of us and need to feel they have some control over their lives. We want to give it to them in appropriate ways so they don't try and gain it in inappropriate ways – like peeing all over the place.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child

This action showed us he seems to have no ability to process sound judgment ...

Mr. Hutten,

I appreciate your time this afternoon. Our “child” will be 18 end of May… has very good grades and has been accepted to attend the University of MD this fall. However, recently we have discovered him drinking… followed by an episode of being dismissed from an overnight school function for sneaking a girl into his room… followed by reports of him cutting classes at school… and reports of missing assignments endangering him from graduating… all within the past couple of months. A recent report card shows a sharp drop in several grades.

Last weekend my wife and I went away… leaving our son at home unattended. In retrospect, we regret having done that… but we did it because we wanted to give him a chance to build our trust… we explicitly told him many things like “NO ONE is to come to the house”…and… ”of all weekends to use poor judgment this would certainly be the one NOT to mess up,” etc. We also asked him for his direct assurance he would not violate our trust and he told us he would not. We also told him that if he stepped out of line while we were away, that he would not be allowed to go to “Beach Week” after graduation (a week of vacation after graduation unattended by adults at a beach house). 

With him being in so much recent trouble, and knowing we were fully suspicious and watchful, and with the important threat of not going to Beach Week on the line, we truly thought he would not be foolish enough to try anything. HOWEVER… sure enough he went right ahead and had a big party while we were gone… it was very easy for us to see the botched efforts to cover up 30-40 people having been in our home, including simply going into our own trash and finding empty alcohol containers, marijuana remnants, and used condoms. This action showed us he seems to have no ability to process sound judgment and has no regard for consequences of his behavior. We believe this constitutes a danger to his well being.

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We are now doing our best to impart the consequences… including no Beach Week as promised, removal of his access to money (took away a debit card), and grounding indefinitely.

In response he is distraught and rebellious. We are concerned with what he may do based on his reactions to our efforts of imparting consequences. He seems to truly BELIEVE things he says like “it’s no big deal to have some people over” and “unfair” to impart such harsh consequences. We are flabbergasted that he seems impervious to the magnitude of his actions and seems to want to do nothing more than to somehow have this all go away so he can “hang out” with friends, rely on us to resolve his grades and attendance issues, and in general be totally disengaged. He cannot seem to do simple tasks like laundry, remember to take out trash, clean up after himself, or contribute to the household.

He has expressed thoughts such as “half of me understands, but half of me says ‘screw you,’ what else can you do to me, so I may as well just go out and do what I please.” We are frightened that we are losing him and quickly losing control… and don’t know the immediate next steps for intervention.

We would appreciate your feedback ASAP.

Thank you,

E.

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Hi E.,

First of all, the problems you’ve listed are covered in the eBook. I don’t have time to do a re-write, but I would like to make a few comments in the time I have.

While hormones, the struggle for independence, peer pressure, and an emerging identity wreak havoc in the soul of the adolescent, issues of how much autonomy to grant, how much "attitude" to take, what kind of discipline is effective, which issues are worth fighting about, and how to talk to offspring-turned-alien challenge parental creativity, patience, and courage.

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To guide a child to adulthood, to ingrain values, to help negotiate social relationships, and to see new ideas, ideals, goals, and independence emerge in a child can be the adventure of a lifetime. Like any adventure, the thrill is in the journey.

Challenges conquered sweeten success, and while failure is in part unavoidable, no parent can know how the balance of success and failure measures out until the journey is complete. As long as the journey continues, there is hope: a chance to turn failures into success, weaknesses to strengths.

Like any adventure, the challenges are unique to each traveler. Even the same parent will experience different challenges as each child is guided through adolescence. Because each journey is unique, there is no way to smooth all the bumps, anticipate all the challenges, or detonate all the land mines beforehand. However, there are aspects of the journey that appear to be universal.

Although teenagers will make their own choices, a good home life can increase the odds that kids will avoid many of the pitfalls of adolescence. Particularly, a kind, warm, solid relationship with parents who demonstrate respect for their children, an interest in their children's activities, and set firm boundaries for those activities may directly or indirectly deter criminal activity, illegal drug and alcohol use, negative peer pressure, delinquency, sexual promiscuity, and low self-esteem.

Parents who give their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves may find that they actually enjoy their children's adventure through adolescence.

As they watch their sons and daughters grow in independence, make decisions, and develop into young adults, they may find that the child they have reared is -- like the breathtaking view of the newborn they held for the first time -- even better than they could have imagined.

I’m out of time for now. I hope this helps. The eBook will go into much greater detail as to how to correct the child issues you’ve listed.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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