Low-Frustration Tolerance in Defiant Teens

Hi Mark, I was wanting to ask you how we best handle A___'s outbursts of rage and verbal abuse when she is frustrated. She asks for help with a problem (i.e., wrapping a parcel to set up a shop for a game this morning, then refuses to listen to the help to get the parcel wrapped, then starts to scream and abuse us for offering "stupid" help then rips up the paper, throws the sticky tape on the floor and storms off screaming and slamming the doors as she goes). She is then not able to calm herself down for ages and sulks like a 2 year old and this scenario goes on almost every time she can't do something and asks for help. We encourage her and try to get her to do it herself and praise her (on the extremely rare occasion she listens and succeeds) but this just goes on and on and can ruin a whole weekend as it has done yesterday and today.

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I feel I am always nagging...

I would like some guidelines on setting up clear rules.

My 15 year old son constantly yells, belittles his younger brother and basically tries to defy or argue when I ask him to anything. He certainly sets the mood for the house. I found it harder to stay in control and feel I am at wits end.

He doesnt worry about his appearance and I constantly remind him of basic hygiene. He lacks motivation at school, football relationships at school always seem to be a drama. He seems to be closer to girls and does not seem to be able to form close relationships with boys.

Has quit his part time job. Doesnt seem to be passionate about anything. He often tells me how he wants to leave and live with anyone but me.

My husband has been ill with Leukaemia and suffers with the complications of the treatment. It has impacted our life for the past three years.

Upsets me that he is so angry and not happy.

I would like him be responsible for the cleanliness of his room, his appearance and speak nicely and want him to contribute to the family in a loving way.

I feel I am always nagging but where is the fine line between letting him just do what he wants. I seem to feed off his anger.

I just want to understand R___ and my behaviour and what I can do to help to make this situation better?

Appreciate any feed back? If anything, writing helps to clarify my thoughts.

kind regards

J.

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