Do we increase the consequence...

Hi Mark,

I have a question on consequences. Scenerio:

Older daughter (S__) with drivers permit is going to drive our family home from dinner. Younger child (B___ - 13) runs and jumps into the front seat refusing to allow her sister to drive home. If we handled it correctly here's our question.

First we would say, please get into the back seat (to B___). If she then does not and keeps yelling or refusing then we say, "If you don't get into the backseat then you will be choosing a consequence of not using your computer for one day." Then still refusing we say, "Your consequence does not begin until you sit quietly in the backseat."

Still refusing.....This is our question. Here we have said that her consequence doesn't begin until she gets in the backseat, but she hasn't budged. So, do we increase the consequence (length or taking away more things, i.e. changing the consequence) or do we continue to sit in the parking lot while she is screaming and wait?

Thank You,

Dr. M. & M.C.

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First, please review the section of the eBook entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [online version of the eBook].

Second, don’t say “please.” “I need you to _____” would be better. “Please” denotes that you may be up for compromise, which you’re not.

Third, rather than saying, “If you don’t _____” -- say, “If you choose not to ____”. This implies that your daughter is doing the choosing – not you.

Re: So, do we increase the consequence (length or taking away more things, i.e. changing the consequence) or do we continue to sit in the parking lot while she is screaming and wait?

No and no. Could you have had her sit in the back seat? Then whenever she stops screaming (as the family makes their way home), the one-day grounding with no computer privileges begins.

Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen

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Thanks for your answer. But, what did you mean by could we have had her sit in the back seat? That was our problem. We needed her to go into

the back seat and she wasn't moving.

Thanks,

M & M

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Would it have been possible to physically move her? If she was going to physically restrain your other daughter from driving, then the police would have been a big help to PUT her in the back seat.

Mark

There is no coming back...

Hi Mark,

Thank you very much for taking time and reading my story. The question that I have is if you think we did the right thing by telling her that if she made a choice to leave home then she has to live with that and there is no coming back at least for now. It feels right to me but I am getting hammered by my parents who scream and yell that it is all too harsh and I am a bad mother.

==> The first part is O.K. But I would let her know that your door is always open – as long as she is willing to abide by your house rules.

The other thing we told her that if she chose to use her biological father as a leverage to get all things her way, we wish her luck and we are not supporting her financially at all, that she is on her own.

==> This is on track!

The third question is what is your opinion based on your experience and what you read about our daughter on chances that she will change. The worst fear I have now that she is grown into person with very low moral principals, who can lie, betray and do other terrible things just to get what she wants.

==> I believe she will change very little UNTIL she becomes a mother herself. Then you are likely to see a different person.

Mark

Online Parent Support

If I encourage him I am damned and if I don't am damned...

Hi Mark

Thanks for the help and advice you gave me. I did go to the police after my son took that car when I was on holidays. The police would not lay charges because the kid had gone out for 5 mins. and the neighbour called him on the cell phone and told him to get the car right back now! The police told me because they did not have to look for the car they weren't going to do anything. I asked them to come and talk to him then, and they told me that scare tactics like that really don't work with kids any more. The system here sucks. My son is on drugs and he did come home higher then a kite and abusive to me, the one night he didn't come home at all and was at the mall at 2:00 a.m. in the morning and I called him and said that he was to get home and he said that he was not. He came home that morning and slept for 26 hours. The next night I told him that things were going to change etc. like the program talks about, that night he went out I told him to be back at curfew or I would be calling the police as he would be a runaway. He came home stoned, abusive but home before curfew. I took his things away, t.v., cell phone, computer and he was very abusive to me calling me everything in the book, I used the technique I am not going to argue etc. He phoned his friends mom then and asked her if she still had that room for him at her place and she said sure I will send my kid over to get you and your stuff right away and off he went.

He stayed at this home and 2 weeks ago at 3:30 a.m there is this banging and the doorbell ringing non stop we jumped out of bed and there was Chris at the door. Crying and telling us that he was in so much trouble he had taken 4 grams of mushrooms and he was scared that he was having trouble breathing. We called the Crisis Centre and they got a bed ready for him at the detox centre to monitor him and get him counselling for his drug problem. He started smoking up in March of this year and it was downhill from there. When we were on the phone with the Crisis Centre to get Chris help which he asked for the daughter of this mother that he was staying at called she was higher then a kite asking for her brother Andrew and she called twice until I told my husband that it must be the daughter at this house. I *69 on the phone to get the number and sure enough she got high with Chris that night and she was scared to. Chris stayed at the detox for 2 day and he told us when we went to visit that he was scared there and we prayed with him and we told him that this was the best placed for him to get better. The 2nd night after we left he called this mother to come and get him and she did. It is a voluntary programs here and the kid can sign themselves out and the parent has no rights. I called the 3rd day in the morning to see how he was and they told me he was gone. I phoned the mother and she said that he was scared there and that she was going to take him to NA meetings and go with him. That she loves him and wants to adopt him.

When I had gone over the day he was admitted to the detox to get some clothes at first she would not give me anything then she said she would only give me a few things 2 tshirts and a pair of underwear and that was all. She didn't even ask me how he was, just that I was not to say anything negative about him and that anything I said she was going right back and telling him and that she loves him and wants to adopt him, when I said we needed to get him help. When I called her that morning I found out that she picked him up and I told her she needed to wake up and that her own kids were on drugs and that I was on the phone with her on kid from 4:00 a.m .until 8:00 a.m. making sure she was okay.

Our family doctor got us an addiction counsellor and we have been going as a family. There is alcoholism on both sides of the family and it goes a couple of generations back. I do not drink and my husband has a beer now and then and that it is. Our family lives were a living hell.

Chris decided that he wanted to get his own townhouse with 2 friends (they do not do drugs) and a few days before he went on this 2 day binge and came to our door he had asked me to be the guarantee on this townhouse. I refused and I knew that something was going to happen. My dog was even sitting at the front door like something was about to happen. This mother signed for the townhouse for him. The morning I phoned her, I asked her why she took him out and she said he wanted to come home and I said what do you think you are doing that we are not doing, she said she is there for him. Well where was she at 3:30 in the morning when he was scared and need our help. What I can't get over is that Chris didn't like her kids and the older one was always bullying him at church youth group and my friends son went along to protect him.

Chris has moved into the townhouse now, he has told my husband that I never talk to him. When I see him, I just say Hi and wave and keep going. He has told me that when I talk to him like tonight for example we phoned to say hi and how are things going, I asked him if the things that counsellor was teaching him to do was working and he said that it is hard to stop. I said maybe he needs to hang with the kids that are not into this life style and that to keep busy maybe take a course to keep busy and that he has potential and he got mad at me and said we were having a nice conversation and now I was lecturing again and that when I do this it only makes him want to go out and get stoned again. He told me tonight doesn't want me to say he has potential or anything like that and I am not to talk about his friends. I did not cut up his friends, I am afraid to talk to him because he lays this guilt trip on me and I am afraid it will set him off on a binge. The other week he told me that I don't talk to him and it was like I had given up on him. If I encourage him I am damned and if I don't am damned. After counselling last week, he gave me a hug and said that he knows that it was the drugs that had come between us.

Do you have any words of advice on this?

Thanks, A.

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Keep your end of the conversation very short and simple. Tell him you love him …miss him …and hope he is doing well. That’s about it. If your side of the conversation goes more than 30 seconds – then you’ve gone too long. Less is better at this point. You’ll know when your son wants more words from you, but until then, keep it short and sweet.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I cannot find any instructional video...

G'day

I just joined/purchased and have commenced reading through. I find that each page says 'Instructional video #1" etc, but I cannot find any instructional video. Would you please let me know what I need to do to change in my settings.
Ta,
P.

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Hi P.,

You had me worried there for a minute. I checked ...and the videos are still there. Does your computer run slow perhaps?

Mark

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G'day Mark,

I have attached screen shots of the first page and the introduction page.

As you will see there is a big gap in the beginning of the introduction page that I am assuming is where the video is - this is the same for all the other pages as well.

Any suggestions?

Cheers, P. :o)

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Hi P.,

If you have a slow computer, the videos may take awhile to load. Here are some suggestions that may speed things up a bit:

1. First, try rebooting your computer (i.e., turn it off, then back on) before viewing the videos.

2. Use Mozilla Firefox 3 as your main web browser. It is much faster than Internet Explorer. Click here for a free download ==> http://www.mozilla.com/en-US/firefox/

3. Close all other browser windows other than the page with the video you want to view.

4. Free up disk space. By freeing disk space, you can improve the performance of your computer. The Disk Cleanup tool on your computer helps you free up space on your hard disk. The utility identifies files that you can safely delete, and then enables you to choose whether you want to delete some or all of the identified files. Use Disk Cleanup to:

•	Remove temporary Internet files.
•	Remove downloaded program files (such as Microsoft ActiveX controls and Java applets).
•	Empty the Recycle Bin.
•	Remove Windows temporary files.
•	Remove optional Windows components that you don't use.
•	Remove installed programs that you no longer use.

5. Your computer will also load many programs at startup you probably do not need. You can run the Microsoft Configuration utility to prevent these programs from loading into memory. To do so, go to Start>Run and type msconfig and hit OK. Under the Startup tab, uncheck any programs you know do not need to load.

6. The most common performance hit comes from viruses and spyware. Make sure you are running an antivirus program like AVG and a spyware program such as Spybot Search and Destroy.

7. You can click on the Google button (lower right corner of each video), which will
take you to Video.Google.com. The videos should run a bit faster when viewed directly from Google.

8. Once the above steps are taken, be sure your computer is in an open space where the fans are clean and working. Heat buildup in a PC will slow the processor and may even cause it to lockup or shutdown.

9. If none of the above works, then you can simply click on the play button, then go feed the cat. By the time you return to the computer, the video should be loaded and ready to view.

I hope this helps,

Mark

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G'day Mark,

Thank you so much for the info.

My husband has the same computer as me, so I tried it on his and his worked fine.

So, I got onto MS website and read up on their help files and did some downloads as a result.

After this was done I got your e-mail, so I also cleaned out my recycle bin - I keep forgetting about that bit and had over 4GB to get rid of!!

The videos on your pages are now coming up with no problems.

Thank you again.

I have already seen an improvement in my ODD/ADHD/Asperger's son after only reading a little bit of your information. My 'normal' daughter who has obviously been feeling neglected will be the type to get worse before better, but at least I now feel as if I can start living again :o)

Cheers, P.

Online Parent Support

Today is the day he kicked in his bedroom door...

Hi T. and T.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Mark,

You seem to be the person with the most sound advice, so we are writing to you again. Our 16 year old has continued to escalate his out of control behavior. We have removed the privilege of having a private bedroom, as recommended, and we have a space for him on a couch. We locked up his room, and we removed all of his attitude clothing and gadgets. He basically has an alarm clock, his school clothes, food, water, and normal household items. There is a posted note on his door telling him simply (and precisely) what he needs to do to get this stuff back. He needs to comply to a three day grounding and avoid swearing and profanity towards his parents. Pretty straight forward, and we even took the time to read it with our best poker faces.

== > O.K. So far …so good.

He has kicked in the door to his room to get some stuff (we didn't have most of his items there), he leaves and comes back after curfew (if at all), he attends school sporadically (he claims to like it), and he is constantly telling his mother to shut up or leave him alone (with profanity) whenever she tries to approach him about anything. We are filing reports (almost daily) with the police and with the juvenile court diversion program (he's currently in) for every rule/law he violates. We also filed a fourth degree misdemeanor domestic violence for pushing his mother around. We even have taken complaints straight to the juvenile court intake officer.

== > You are still greatly on track. I’m proud of you for doing the hard business of employing tough love (which is often tougher on the parent than the child).

They still have the same story - he's not doing anything bad enough. They told us straight out that his most likely outcome is a probation officer that will put him at the bottom of the list of priorities as he hasn't done anything really bad. We keep doing it anyway.

== > Re: They still have the same story - he's not doing anything bad enough.

I would disagree. “Battery” is certainly “bad enough.” Your filed complaint will have its day in court, which may also be the day that your son is placed on probation.

Perhaps no single incident is “bad enough” (other than the battery). However, as you are documenting the events and filing reports, a cumulative effect is taking place under probation’s nose (e.g., one bee sting is meaningless, but 25 bee stings are deadly). Probation will stall as long as they can (since they are super busy and do not want to take on any more cases than necessary). But eventually they will see the need to intervene.

Pick the battles carefully. Here are the battles you should fight:

• Whenever your son commits any act that is a crime for a juvenile (i.e., status offenses such as truancy, possession and consumption of alcohol, curfew violations, purchase of cigarettes, etc.
• Whenever he commits any act that would be a crime for an adult

Other than the above 2 points, let it go and focus on making plans for him to move out when he’s 18.

He is not following his counseling anymore, and we're running out of options.

== > Counseling is just another traditional parenting strategy that tends to make a bad problem worse (because the kid feels that the parents are blaming him for all the family’s problems, thus he becomes resentful and behaves accordingly).

T__ sat down today and told him that we still are his family, and that all he needs to do is follow family rules. Today is the day he kicked in his bedroom door while we were gone. Our other family member and friend placement options look grim as no one really wants to deal with him. He has disassociated himself with his grandparents and other family members as he believes we turned them against him.

== > If there was property damage, then call the cops again (if you haven’t done so already) so they can file yet another report.

I have a feeling that things may come to a head when the battery charge is addressed. If, for whatever reason, probation does not want to address that issue, then it’s time to get an attorney and have him talk to the prosecutor. Then you’ll have the cards stacked in your favor.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen