Daughter's First Experiment With Drugs

Mark-

I have a 16-year-old daughter whom I have always spoken honestly to about sex, drugs, and the dangers that exist in the outside world. I feel that I have always done as I should to be a responsible parent. Recently, she told me she and her friends tried pot. I explained that this was not acceptable but assured her that we understand that peer pressure can be a horrible thing. We again discussed ways to avoid drugs and reinforced our love and devotion to her, but made it quite clear that this behavior is not in any way acceptable to us. To my surprise she started to cry.

I explained that I was thankful she was honest and glad that she felt she could talk to us. I knew she felt bad and told her there was no punishment because I knew she was feeling worse than she has in her life. I also explained that this is her first try and last - that punishment would be swift and stern if she ever thought of doing this again. My question is - what should my next move be, and how can I stop feeling as if I let her down in some way since she seemed to lack the will power to say No?

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A very straightforward way to help her is to restrict her interaction with peers who use drugs. Steer her towards an alternative group of peers who are more involved in activities that require sharpness and aptitude. Tell her that she can blame the restriction on you (this will help her save face with peers), but that she absolutely may not be out with drug using friends.

It is not a moral failing that your daughter lacked the will power to say no. But it tells you that she may be at risk for addiction because she wanted to say no and couldn't. You will need to stay on this issue until you are sure that the two of you (or better yet, the whole family) have put enough structure in place for your 16-year-old to be safe.

It will take both of you (and maybe the whole family) to make a partnership so that she can say "no." Ask her how you can help her with his will power.

Let go of your guilt! It is healthy to feel guilt if you intentionally did something wrong, but it seems that you did the best you could at the time to prepare your daughter to refuse drugs. If you are busy soul-searching and self-blaming, you will miss a very important step, which is to continue developing your alliance with your daughter.

Make sure that adults supervise her whenever she goes out. This will require you to call the parents of her friends. It will give you a chance to network and to find other parents who are like-minded.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Signs of a Pot Head

Mark-

I think my daughter still smokes a bit of pot, nothing like before, but she has been losing about 37 pounds in the last month, suffering anxiety attacks, back pain, etc. What should I be looking for?

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Marijuana is usually smoked using cigarette rolling papers, a purchased water bong, or a makeshift bong that can be made from a variety of items. Hash can be smoked or eaten, and is sometimes cooked into baked goods.


What to look for:

· Bloodshot eyes
· Cigarette rolling papers
· Dilated (large) pupils
· Pipes, bongs, homemade smoking devices (you may see sticky residue from burned marijuana)
· Reduced motivation
· Seeds that have been cleaned from marijuana
· Sleepy appearance
· Smell on clothing, in room, or in car

Generally it can be difficult to recognize marijuana use if you don't see your child after smoking when she is still experiencing the effects of the drug.

Mark

Online Parent Support

There are way too many out of control kids out here...

Hello Mark,

I wrote to you a few weeks ago regarding my grandson that we had guardianship of. My grandson was in the hall since Sept. 18 and we went to court yesterday. His mother agreed to take him back to Los Angeles. The judge obviously did not read anything about his past history. He shocked us by telling the court audience that we "failed" Logan and terminated our guardianship. The judge reduced his 3 misdemeanors to 2; 21 days served in the hall is done and 6 months probation and his case is being transferred to Riverside County and said that Logan is now their problem. I guarantee that Logan and his mother will have a big argument within one week or sooner, because he has not learned a thing except to bully adults.

What I've seen the public defenders do is plea bargain serious offenses (felonies) down to misdemeanors so the kids do not have to spend time in the hall due to overcrowding. There is no offer of classes like you have or counseling for either parents or children. The deputies do not like dealing with juvenile probation; public defenders do not like dealing with parents and keep us in the dark and the kids get to make their own decisions regarding their pleas.

My question to you is--what is the recidivism of children returning to the system after the parents have taken your course at Superior Court? Are the parents required to take your course when the child first gets in trouble? Is your program in other states juvenile systems?

Our biggest problems here in central California is drugs and gangs. A 12 year old boy just shot and killed his 76 year old grandmother. He was probably expelled from school because he had "problems" in school and was being home schooled by grandma. They got into an altercation and he shot her. If there could be an intervention when teachers see the ODD behavior, parents could take your course early enough to turn the kid around. Logan has been acting out since kindergarten. By 6th grade, his teacher wanted to kick him out of class, so I took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with ADD and was put on Concerta which helped some. I don't agree now that kids need to be put on drugs to control behavior. It's too late for us and Logan?

There are way too many out of control kids out here. I really feel sorry for teachers, because they have to deal with a lot of students acting out. What can I do to get your message out there to wake up the authorities and parents about your program?

Thanks for listening.

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: My question to you is--what is the recidivism of children returning to the system after the parents have taken your course at Superior Court?

Most parents (90% +) are able to avoid involving their child in the system at all. Those who attend the live group – or join OPS – after their juvenile is already on probation greatly cut down on the length of time he/she is on probation. Plus the juvenile whose parent is using these strategies tends to violate probation much less than those in the control group.

Re: Are the parents required to take your course when the child first gets in trouble?

Some are court-ordered – most are not.

Re: Is your program in other states juvenile systems?

Only Indiana currently. But I hope to branch out as my Higher Power leads me to do so.

Re: It's too late for us and Logan?

It’s never too late.

Re: What can I do to get your message out there to wake up the authorities and parents about your program?

Tell them to Google for www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com …then they can see for themselves whether or not the program is of any value to them.

Mark