I have already received more for my money than the year of counseling sessions we attended...

I signed up last night. I am glad I did. I have already learned that my parenting style is not what I thought it was and I am looking forward to learning new techniques.

I have already referred this program to two other families, at this point, I have already received more for my money than the year of counseling sessions we attended.

Thank you and God Bless!

S.

Online Parent Support

Should I give in...?

Hi Mark

Need quick help with a situation. My son is 17 and has been pushing at all our rules and boundaries. We have settled into a situation where we allow him to stay out overnight, just so long as he is always back by a certain time at college nights ready to go to college next morning.

Last night when he had missed the deadline by half an hour, we called him and he said he had no intention of coming back or going to college the next day. We said if you choose not to then you choose the consequence, which was his phone being switched off remotely at the service provider. He insisted he had more important things to do. I switched his phone off.

This morning I checked his room and found he had come back (about an hour and a half late). It was time to get up for college and when I told him I needed him to get up he swore at me and told me he wasn't going to college. He was extremely disrespectful. However he eventually got up and went to college, but I told him that because he had chosen to miss the deadline to come back and been disrespectful to us his phone was still off for three days. I then emphasised that if he chose to repeat this behaviour the three days would reset and start again.

When he came back from college he apologised and asked for his phone to be turned back on. I felt we should stick to the three days, but his point was he did go after all so he had done nothing wrong (apart from all the rude disrespect and missing the agreed deadline).

He then began yelling and threatening again and saying he would buy his own phone so we can't turn this one off etc. I wondered if we had missed a stage - I had warned him of the behaviour and told him to 'respect' our limits, but I hadn't specifically defined that a lot of grief and swearing counts as disrespect enough to turn the phone off for three days even if he does then choose to go eventually. I wondered should I give in and turn the phone back on this once, but make it clear that if he chose this form of disrespect in future it would also qualify for the full consequence?

Or should I absolutely under no circumstances compromise the three day condition? Even if he then finds a way of getting a new phone that I can't touch? (I can't just 'steal' his phone - he would get physically aggressive if I tried).

Cheers

M.

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Hi,

He missed the deadline, which was articulated to him from the very beginning as evidence by your statement: “We have settled into a situation where we allow him to stay out overnight, just so long as he is always back by a certain time at college nights ready to go to college next morning.” Thus, you should stick to the original time line of 3 days. Plus, it would be a good idea for him to get his own phone.

When undecided about what course of action to take, ask yourself is the decision I am about to make going to foster dependency or self-reliance? If the outcome is likely to cultivate self-reliance in your son, then it is a good decision. Paying for his own phone would be a movement toward self-reliance.

Mark

Online Parent Support

What do you do if your child is expelled for the rest of the year...

What do you do if your child is expelled for the rest of the year …what activities should he do besides giving chores and groundings …how does he get educated in the meantime?

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This is a real hot topic: what to do with kids who are expelled. Unfortunately, short of home schooling or alternative school – not much can be done given the current system that pervades most U.S. schools.

The debate seems to go as follows:

Reasons To Agree With Expulsion—

I don't believe school is the right place for many of these students. Children without these massive problems have a right to learn, and are often harmed by the violent and disruptive behavior of these students. We need to protect other students and still having them onsite does not do this. But more places are needed which cater for these kids, throwing them out is not to answer. But a non-school based place is needed.

I believe school is there for learning and if the student is intent on disruption then it is not the place for them. Expelling is fine by me as ultimately the parents have a responsibility to do something for the failing child by seeking external help. The school teacher has 20 or 25 others to teach and this should be the teacher's role - disruptive / bad behaved kids should be expelled. There are counselors/private tuition/psychologists in the community where the difficult pupil can get help.

Education is a privilege, treat it as such, unruly and badly behaved children affect all other children at the school. They should be removed. If you are worried about denying them an education, why don't you change their perception of its value

Cause and effect:

Children with extreme "special needs" should be channeled OUT of schools into an appropriate environment where they will not impede the learning of more fortunate children.

Schools should be allowed to expel students. At work if you are repeatedly late or show up drunk or stoned etc then you'd get fired! Instant dismissal in my job... why not school... why should teachers waste their time teaching people who don't want to learn.

Reasons To Disagree With Expulsion—

I don't think we should be able to expel students. Shunting them out of the school system or onto other schools passes the buck and does not examine or deal with the problems the student has. Difficult children have their reasons (whether they know it or not). Sometimes the fault lies with the school and not the child at all. Sometimes it is the child's family. I was a difficult child myself once, but went on to get several degrees and post-graduate degrees. I KNOW the importance of having faith that difficult children can grow up to be interesting, contributing adults.

Outside of the main cities, many towns do not have a second high school within a 15 minute drive. What are you to do with the expelled students, send them to another school who doesn't want them either? Or just forget about them completely? Schools in many towns are the only local government institution. If you expel a child, then the government and society is giving up their responsibility for that child. No wonder expelled children end up unemployed and in jail within a few years. Society needs to fix the problems it has, it's cheaper to deal with it earlier than building more prisons.

I think they need to look at things the student is struggling to do and work round them it is known that we all learn differently and have different interest, some things shouldn't be compulsory.

Naughty kids need an education too, it will help them become a meaningful part of their community one day.

Reasons for Remain Neutral—

No child left behind means all children fall behind. if individuals choose not to engage in the school system, then they should choose another school (changes required) or go to a special school that suits their interests. The problem here is mandating that students attend the school that is most convenient for the government to fund.

Here’s an email from parents whose child was expelled:

Our story is posted on this blog to open the eyes of the community of what is going on in our schools. We have experienced what school expulsion has done to our family. As parents, you hurt when you child hurts. You want to protect your child. You teach them respect for authority. You teach them right from wrong. To know the loss he has experienced over this is unimaginable unless you have been through it yourself. To know that the school that you had so much faith and pride in turned there back to you and essentially fired you for doing what you believed was the right thing is devastating. There is no compensation for that. We have felt the support of relatives, friend’s co-workers and even our son’s teacher. Those who know our son know he didn’t do this. What we don’t know is why he is going through this? Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

As we have been on this journey we wondered if there have been any studies done on the students that have been through expulsions. What happens to these students that are expelled? Indiana unlike other states does not offer alternative schools for expelled kids. Kids that are at high risk may lose the only structured environment they have. Students feel more frustrated when isolated from others and gradually develop a sense of hostility towards the society, because to be expelled means a situation of being abandoned and segregated. Expulsion removes students from school and reduces their instruction and learning time. Additionally, it forces the student to have to catch up on missing work, and this is very difficult to do when a student has missed more than a few days of school. Naturally, expulsion disrupts the learning process. According to the Commission for Positive Change of Oakland, California, students who are expelled are more likely to suffer from lowered sense of self-esteem, feelings of being unwanted at school, and alienation from peers, which results in a higher chance of receiving failing grades because many times, and expulsions on records hurt the student’s ability to get a job or get into college, which may increase the risk of juvenile delinquency among these students. Altogether, these factors contribute to a much higher chance that the expelled student will drop out of school entirely, or will be pushed out of school. How does this help the student? Well, it doesn’t. A senior high school principal in Oakland, California says of expulsions, “There are no benefits to the kids. They get nothing. It’s for the school. Suspension is a short-term release valve for the school. Imagine what may happen if a student with special needs gets expelled. Students with disabilities, especially if it is a learning or behavior disability, need extra time and need to put in extra effort to do there work as it is, and if they are expelled, then all of the above factors can be multiplied and will only hurt the student even more.

Best of luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

JOIN Online Parent Support

I know that there are a lot of rubbish being sold on the internet...

Dear Mark,

Having been inspired by yourself I decided to take the plunge and write my own book on successful modern parenting. The book itself is quite substantial and includes topics which I hope will answer many parenting concerns. It also covers a broad spectrum of parenting issues, i.e., your child s health, mental and physical development, single parenting and education to name but a few.

I have spent the last 4 months researching and writing this book. I want to ensure that I only provide parents with quality information. I highly respect your views and opinions as I know you're an expert in this field. This is why I was hoping you could review my product as I value any feedback you may have on it. From my own personal experience, I know that there are a lot of rubbish being sold on the internet. I want to provide a book which I believe will be good value for money.

I have attached a copy of the book for you to view it yourself. It is still in its draft phase and I am yet to arrange everything accordingly, however in regards to the writing material it is complete. I would change everything if you believed that it was necessary to do so.

Thank you ever so much and I'll look forward to hearing back from you.

Warm regards,

Gareth Williams

Online Parent Support

He was quite humbled and apologized to us all after the policeman talked to him...

Thanks for your reply Mark. My kids do not do well with change and we have implemented up to and including everything in session 3 and am starting session 4. One week of each was going too fast for them and then tend to think I won't continue to be consistent if I try to do to much changing at once. You know they think "oh she'll forget about it next week" so I've had to go slower. However my children are doing much better at communicating their needs and finding alternatives to hand outs and freebies from me. My son has a deep seated resentment towards his alcoholic father and until he deals with that (if he ever does) he will never "drop the rock" of his anger completely. However it does not justify the rage. He was quite humbled and apologized to us all after the policeman talked to him. I hope he takes it as a second chance. Because the NEXT time he is going away, one way or the other. I will continue to refine as I go along. I realize it's a process and I do see some growth in my children's own self-reliance. That is really my goal here. To undo the over indulging I've done and equip them to be able to handle life on life's terms when they leave home.

Thanks so much and I'll keep you posted,

D.

Online Parent Support

He did not come home...

Hi Mark, we have been implementing your program since Jan 1st. I have done everything by the book and consistently as possible. I have taken it slow and worked one session a month. Maybe too slow. Implementing session 3 now. My son's rages have decreased to at least no more physical violence so far and have been further between incidents. However this last blow up started on the 26th ( with the grounding/ no cell) and he had made so many infractions of the discipline ( computer and TV were then taken away) that by the 28th he had flown into a rage, punched knuckle marks in my steel door, broke my cordless phone because I wouldn't let him use it and tore up "The Rules" off the frig and spit on them on my dining room floor. What set him off was his Grandmother stopping over and giving him a little lecture about his disrespectful language towards me (her daughter). Well he blew up and feels that his transgressions are between him and I only. I may not talk to his father or anyone for that matter about "his business" per him. I told him that I cannot control what his Grandmother or Father does. I told the truth and if he didn't like the truth then maybe he should change it. Because he is the only one who can. I need someone to vent to and I had no idea that his father or Grandmother would bring up the subject. Is his request reasonable? I am so confused. He got so violent that I called 911( first time ever and the real reason he took off so fast) because I also have 2 daughters 13 and 15 and he could (and has) gotten physically violent with them. I feel sorry for the girls having to live like this. Well he took off walking which is what he is supposed to do when he feels this way. I have had to use the broken record technique and tell him I will not argue and please take a walk. This time though he did not come home and I still do not know where he is almost 19 hours later. His phone was shut off on thursday. So here I sit with a broken TV tray in my living room, paper and spit on my dining room floor and a broken cordless in the hallway. Waiting for him to come home. Not a good feeling. I do not know if I want him to come home. Will he be repentant and where do I start the discipline again. I have written several "to deal with later things". Our rules are simple- no swearing, no violence, do homework, do chores. Then the rest of the day is yours. That leaves about 8 hours after he gets out of school. Time enough I think and he still has teachers e-mailing me about missing assignments and bad grades. The privacy thing though has me stumped. Any suggestions?

Thanks, D.

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Hi D.,

Please refer to “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [session #3 - online version of eBook] under “Ask The Parent Coach” [right hand column].

Other things to consider when your son returns home include the following:

• Be happy that your child is back home. Many teens fear the initial meeting with their parents. Remain calm. Express relief and tell your child you love him/her and that together you will solve any problems

• Make follow-up phone calls. Let all your contacts, including the police, know your child has returned home. Police may need to speak or meet with your child.

• Allow time to settle in. Your child may need a shower, a meal, clean clothes, or sleep.

• Get medical attention. Visit your family doctor to address any medical concerns.

• Talk with your teen. Discuss how you can work together to prevent him/her from leaving again. Acknowledge some problems take time and effort to solve. Be sure you resolve the problems safely and reasonably.

• Look for assistance and support. People and organizations in your community can help counsel your family. Asking for help is a sign of strength and shows you are taking the issue seriously.

Good Luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Out Of Control Teen on Probation

Hi L.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Hello, We are using your instruction for our out of control teen. We have a 16 yr old son, who over the last year (on & off) has been drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana

Please refer to "Read These Emails From Exasperated Parents" [session #4 - online version of eBook] for recommendations on pot and alcohol.

and hanging out with the wrong group of kids.

Please refer to "Hangin' with the wrong crowd..." below for recommendations on negative peer influence:

click==> http://www.onlineparentingcoach.com/2008/09/hangin-with-wrong-crowd.html

He was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia in his car (misdemeanor in Idaho) and a positive urine for marijuana on 2/6. This is his first encounter with the law but not with his parents. We meet with the probation officer next week to discuss sentencing. My question to you is should we ask for him to spend time in juvenile detention (a weekend) to get a taste of what could become if he continues down this path, or is that something we should leave for the probation officer to hold over his head while on probation.

Fear-based motivation has no longevity. And most out-of-control teens are not intimidated by the prospect of detention. In fact, a tour or visit will actually increase the intrigue.

It is not the norm to send them to JD on the first offence unless the parents request it.

No. And the PO will not detain because you requested it.

He will also get counseling for anger management, family communication, drug and alcohol class, community service, probation for 6 month, monthly drug testing, & evaluation for depression. I want to approach him with tough love but a counselor told us we could also go to far in the discipline process. What are your thoughts?

If you follow the program, you will not be "going to far."

I must say that you will benefit from going back through the online version of the eBook a second time. You have asked me questions that are already addressed there, which tells me you have missed some important pieces.

Mark

Online Parent Support