Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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He did not come home...

Hi Mark, we have been implementing your program since Jan 1st. I have done everything by the book and consistently as possible. I have taken it slow and worked one session a month. Maybe too slow. Implementing session 3 now. My son's rages have decreased to at least no more physical violence so far and have been further between incidents. However this last blow up started on the 26th ( with the grounding/ no cell) and he had made so many infractions of the discipline ( computer and TV were then taken away) that by the 28th he had flown into a rage, punched knuckle marks in my steel door, broke my cordless phone because I wouldn't let him use it and tore up "The Rules" off the frig and spit on them on my dining room floor. What set him off was his Grandmother stopping over and giving him a little lecture about his disrespectful language towards me (her daughter). Well he blew up and feels that his transgressions are between him and I only. I may not talk to his father or anyone for that matter about "his business" per him. I told him that I cannot control what his Grandmother or Father does. I told the truth and if he didn't like the truth then maybe he should change it. Because he is the only one who can. I need someone to vent to and I had no idea that his father or Grandmother would bring up the subject. Is his request reasonable? I am so confused. He got so violent that I called 911( first time ever and the real reason he took off so fast) because I also have 2 daughters 13 and 15 and he could (and has) gotten physically violent with them. I feel sorry for the girls having to live like this. Well he took off walking which is what he is supposed to do when he feels this way. I have had to use the broken record technique and tell him I will not argue and please take a walk. This time though he did not come home and I still do not know where he is almost 19 hours later. His phone was shut off on thursday. So here I sit with a broken TV tray in my living room, paper and spit on my dining room floor and a broken cordless in the hallway. Waiting for him to come home. Not a good feeling. I do not know if I want him to come home. Will he be repentant and where do I start the discipline again. I have written several "to deal with later things". Our rules are simple- no swearing, no violence, do homework, do chores. Then the rest of the day is yours. That leaves about 8 hours after he gets out of school. Time enough I think and he still has teachers e-mailing me about missing assignments and bad grades. The privacy thing though has me stumped. Any suggestions?

Thanks, D.


Hi D.,

Please refer to “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [session #3 - online version of eBook] under “Ask The Parent Coach” [right hand column].

Other things to consider when your son returns home include the following:

• Be happy that your child is back home. Many teens fear the initial meeting with their parents. Remain calm. Express relief and tell your child you love him/her and that together you will solve any problems

• Make follow-up phone calls. Let all your contacts, including the police, know your child has returned home. Police may need to speak or meet with your child.

• Allow time to settle in. Your child may need a shower, a meal, clean clothes, or sleep.

• Get medical attention. Visit your family doctor to address any medical concerns.

• Talk with your teen. Discuss how you can work together to prevent him/her from leaving again. Acknowledge some problems take time and effort to solve. Be sure you resolve the problems safely and reasonably.

• Look for assistance and support. People and organizations in your community can help counsel your family. Asking for help is a sign of strength and shows you are taking the issue seriously.

Good Luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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