Children and Lying: Crucial Tips for Parents

Honesty – and dishonesty – are learned in the home. Moms and dads are often concerned when their child or teenager lies.

Lying that is probably not a serious problem—

Young kids (ages 4-5) often make up stories and tell tall tales. This is normal activity because they enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun. These young kids may blur the distinction between reality and fantasy.

An older child or teenager may tell a lie to be self-serving (e.g. avoid doing something or deny responsibility for their actions). Moms and dads should respond to isolated instances of lying by talking with the youngster about the importance of truthfulness, honesty and trust.

Some adolescents discover that lying may be considered acceptable in certain situations such as not telling a boyfriend or girlfriend the real reasons for breaking up because they don't want to hurt their feelings. Other adolescents may lie to protect their privacy or to help them feel psychologically separate and independent from their parents (e.g. denying they sneaked out late at night with friends).

Lying that may indicate emotional problems—

Some kids, who know the difference between truthfulness and lying, tell elaborate stories which appear believable. Kids or adolescents usually relate these stories with enthusiasm because they receive a lot of attention as they tell the lie.

Other kids or adolescents, who otherwise seem responsible, fall into a pattern of repetitive lying. They often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents, educators and friends. These kids are usually not trying to be bad or malicious but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit.

There are also some kids and adolescents who are not bothered by lying or taking advantage of others. Other adolescents may frequently use lying to cover up another serious problem. For example, an adolescent with a serious drug or alcohol problem will lie repeatedly to hide the truth about where they have been, who they were with, what they were doing, and where the money went.

What to do if your child or teenager lies—

Moms and dads are the most important role models for their kids. When a child or teenager lies, parents should take some time to have a serious talk and discuss:

• alternatives to lying
• the difference between make believe and reality, lying and telling the truth
• the importance of honesty at home and in the community

If a child or teenager develops a pattern of lying which is serious and repetitive, then professional help may be indicated. Evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist would help the child and parents understand the lying behavior and would also provide recommendations for the future.

Lies come out of kid's mouths for a variety of reasons:

• Because she is imaginative and the truth is boring.
• By mistake. Sometimes lies seem almost involuntary, and a lie just slips out, especially if your child gets caught in a misdeed. (“Who broke the antique chair? “I didn't!”) Then, soon enough, it's Sir Walter Scott: “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive!”
• Fear. When kids are scared of the consequences of their actions, they often lie to cover up. (Are the rules too strict? Are the limits too tight? Does your child feel free to talk with you?)
• For love, for approval, and because kids like to impress people quickly and effectively.
• To avoid an unpleasant task. (“Did you brush your teeth?” “Yes, Dad!”)
• To protect somebody else.

Lie Prevention Techniques—

No, you can't keep your kids from lying, but you can make lying a less rewarding activity. Many lies come from self-protection, and you can help by not creating a situation where your kid feels pressured to lie or suffer the consequences. Here are a few suggestions:

• Before you talk with your kid about a lie he's told, make sure that he did lie. A false accusation, or not believing a child when he is telling the truth, can devastate.
• Don't cross-examine (“After you left school, which route did you take home? And this was at precisely 3:10 p.m.?”), forget the fierce white lights and the sleep deprivation techniques. Remember that the object of talking with your child is to communicate. Grilling will make him close down, not open up, to you.
• Don't reprimand your child for telling the truth.
• Keep the conversation focused on what happened or what the problem is, rather than casting blame.
• Lies are easy to slip into, and even easier to compound themselves, lie upon lie. Many kids slip into lying as painlessly as sliding into warm, tropical ocean water. It's more painful getting out (shiver, shiver).
• Looking for the positive intent? Lies are a misguided survival technique.
• The truth is hard to tell. It's risky to confess (and risk is always hard). If your child confesses a misdeed to you, you need to 1) thank him for the truth, and give him positive reinforcement for his bravery and his sense of ethics, and then 2) deal with the misdeed by applying appropriate consequences. Doing step 2 but not step 1 is as bad a mistake as doing step 1 without step 2. He needs to have positive feedback for telling the truth and he needs consistent consequences. The positive feedback will make the consequence easier to take, and help build his ethical sense.
• When your kid has misbehaved, don't trap him into a lie, or set him up in a no-win situation. Confronting him with leading questions is more likely to elicit a lie than talking calmly with him about what happened. If Tony comes home with a black eye and you scream at him, “I swear I will kill you if you got into a fight! Did you fight today?” you are putting Tony into a situation where he's either got to lie (“Oh no, I walked into a wall.” “Oh honey, get an ice pack for that”) or face your wrath. A better approach would be, “Oh my! What happened? Let's sit down.”

Seven Quick Steps to Dealing with a Lie—

Discovering your youngster has lied can be quite distressing. Lies are often an additional layer of misbehavior (the child misbehaves, and then lies about it) and it's this layer that often makes moms and dads go ballistic. (“I'm furious that you stole my silver coin collection and bought candy with it, but the fact that you lied to me about it, too, well, I can't stand it!”) If you've discovered a lie (“layered” or simple), try this:

1. Breathe, run around the block, take 10, calm down. Take as long as you need to take in order to deal with the situation, not the lie, or the fact that your youngster wasn't honest with you.
2. Focus on the misbehavior, not the lie your youngster used to cover it up.
3. Give her the benefit of the doubt (she may be caught in a compound lie).
4. If you don't want a youngster who lies, don't label her a liar. Kids tend to internalize the labels we give them.
5. Once the situation she lied about is resolved, talk with her about the problems lying can cause. Knowledge (and your obvious disapproval) will help her avoid lying in the future.
6. Talk about values, and let her know that you don't value lying.
7. Talk with your youngster. Let her know that you aware of the truth. (Be as calm and level-voiced as possible.)

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Parenting Children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Help Your Teen Quit Smoking

Parents are the single biggest influence in their kid’s lives. Use your voice and let your kids know that smoking is bad news. Your adolescents may seem to be tuning you out and accuse you of lecturing, but they are listening. Discuss the dangers of adolescent smoking with them early and often.

The smoking facts in this article have been compiled with adolescents in mind. Arm yourself with knowledge and information that will get your youngster’s attention.

The ingredients and additives in cigarettes when burned, create toxic, harmful chemical compounds. There are over 4000 chemicals in cigarette smoke, and more than 40 of them are known carcinogens.

Smokers inhale some pretty disgusting things with every puff:

• Acetone It’s in nail polish remover and it’s in cigarettes.

• Ammonia We use this chemical to clean our houses.

• Benzene This chemical is used in manufacturing gasoline.

• Carbon Monoxide It’s in car exhaust, and it’s in cigarette smoke.

• Formaldehyde This is what they use to preserve dead bodies. It’s also used as an industrial fungicide, is a disinfectant, and is used in glues and adhesives.

• Hydrogen Cyanide This chemical is used to kill rats and it was used during WWII as a genocidal agent. Smokers inhale it with every puff.

• Tar Yes, the same thing they use to pave streets and driveways. Ever notice how smoker’s teeth are yellow? Tar is responsible for that.

And of course, there is Nicotine, the drug responsible for an addiction that smokers spend years and years trying to break.

Secondhand Smoke Facts—

Cigarette smoke is full of harmful chemicals. Breathing in secondhand smoke is harmful for smokers and nonsmokers alike. Smokers suffer a double dose though, increasing the destructive effects of secondhand smoke.

• Secondhand smoke can produce six times the pollution of a busy highway when in a crowded restaurant.

• Secondhand smoke causes 30 times as many lung cancer deaths as all regulated pollutants combined.

• Secondhand smoke causes up to 300,000 lung infections (such as pneumonia and bronchitis) in infants and young kids each year.

• Secondhand smoke causes wheezing, coughing, colds, earaches, and asthma attacks.

• Secondhand smoke fills the air with many of the same poisons found in the air around toxic waste dumps.

• Secondhand smoke kills about 3,000 nonsmokers each year from lung cancer.

Other facts about smoking:

• Addicted smokers tend to use more nicotine over time. The habit usually grows. What starts out as 5 or 10 cigarettes a day usually becomes a pack or two a day habit eventually.

• Every day 1,200 Americans die from smoking-related illnesses.

• Every day in the United States alone, approximately 3,000 kids under the age of 18 start smoking.

• It is estimated that approximately 4.5 million adolescents in the United States are smokers.

• People who smoke a pack a day die on average 7 years earlier than people who have never smoked.

• Smoking is the single most preventable cause of premature death in the United States.

• Smoking-related illnesses claim more American lives than alcohol, car accidents, suicide, AIDS, homicide and illegal drugs combined.

• Spit tobacco, pipes and cigars are not safe alternatives to cigarettes. “Light” or “low-tar” cigarettes aren’t safe either.

• Adolescent smokers are more likely to use alcohol and other drugs.

• Adolescent smokers get sick more often than adolescents who don’t smoke.

• Adolescent smokers have smaller lungs and weaker hearts than adolescents who don’t smoke.

• Those who start smoking young are more likely to have a long-term addiction to nicotine than people who start smoking later in life.

Be proactive! Give your kids a solid anti-smoking foundation that will help them resist outside influences encouraging them to smoke as they go through their formative years. It’s up to us as parents to do all that we can to protect our kids from the dangers that tobacco use presents. Education about nicotine addiction is the best place to start.

Adolescent smoking is a big deal. After all, adolescents who smoke are likely to turn into adults who smoke. If you find your adolescent smoking, take it seriously. Stopping adolescent smoking in its tracks is the best way to promote a lifetime of good health.

Start talking—

You could simply tell your adolescent to stop smoking. It's an important message. But commands, threats and ultimatums aren't likely to work. Instead of getting angry, be curious and supportive. Ask your adolescent what made him or her start smoking. Perhaps your adolescent is trying to fit in at school, or maybe your adolescent thinks that smoking will help relieve stress or pressure. Sometimes adolescent smoking is an attempt to feel cool or more grown-up.

Once you understand why your adolescent is smoking, you'll be better equipped to address smoking as a potential problem — as well as help your adolescent eventually stop smoking.

Encourage your adolescent to share his or her concerns—

Although the consequences of smoking — such as cancer, heart attack and stroke — are real, they're probably beyond the realm of your adolescent's concern. Rather than lecturing your adolescent on the long-term dangers of smoking, you might ask your adolescent what he or she considers the negative aspects of smoking. Once your adolescent has had his or her say, offer your own list of negatives.

Consider appealing to your adolescent's vanity:

• Smoking causes wrinkles.

• Smoking gives you bad breath.

• Smoking leaves you with a hacking cough and phlegm.

• Smoking makes you look pale and unhealthy.

• Smoking makes your clothes and hair smell.

• Smoking turns your teeth and fingernails yellow.

• Smoking zaps your energy for sports and other favorite activities.

Of course, smoking is also expensive. Prompt your adolescent to calculate the weekly, monthly or yearly cost of smoking. You might compare the cost of smoking with electronic gadgets, clothes or other items your adolescent considers important.

Set a good example—

As a parent, you're one of the most powerful influences in your adolescent's life — and your actions speak much louder than your words. If you smoke, don't expect your adolescent to stop smoking. Your adolescent may interpret your smoking as an endorsement for the behavior. Instead, ask your doctor about stop-smoking products and other resources to help you stop smoking. In the meantime, don't smoke in the house, in the car or in front of your adolescent, and don't leave cigarettes where your adolescent might find them. Explain how unhappy you are with your smoking, and why it's so important to you to quit.

Help your adolescent make a plan—

Adolescents may become addicted to nicotine surprisingly quickly — sometimes within just a few weeks. And many adolescents who smoke think they can stop anytime, but research shows this isn't usually true.

When you talk to your adolescent about quitting smoking, ask if any of his or her friends have tried to stop smoking. Consider why they were — or weren't — successful. Then ask your adolescent which stop-smoking strategies he or she thinks might be most helpful.

You might offer your own suggestions as well:

• Be prepared for cravings. Remind your adolescent that if he or she can hold out long enough — usually just a few minutes — the nicotine craving will pass. Suggest taking a few deep breaths. Offer sugarless gum, cinnamon sticks, toothpicks or straws to help your adolescent keep his or her mouth busy.

• Consider stop-smoking products. Although nicotine replacement products — such as nicotine gums, patches, inhalers or nasal sprays — weren't designed for adolescents, they may be helpful in some cases. The same goes for medications such as bupropion (Zyban) and varenicline (Chantix). Ask your adolescent's doctor which options might be best for your adolescent.

• Contact a tobacco-cessation specialist. A tobacco-cessation specialist may give your adolescent the tools and support he or she needs to stop smoking.

• Hang out with friends who don't smoke. Ask your adolescent to think about his or her friends. Would they support your adolescent's stop-smoking plan? Would they try to stop smoking, too? If your adolescent feels pressured to smoke, encourage him or her to get involved in new activities. Making new friends who don't smoke could make it easier to avoid old friends who aren't willing to stop smoking.

• Join a support group. Some hospitals and local organizations offer stop-smoking groups just for adolescents. You might look for adolescent groups online, too.

• Learn from mistakes. If your adolescent slips, remain supportive. Congratulate your adolescent on the progress he or she has made so far, and encourage your adolescent not to give up. Help your adolescent identify what went wrong and what to do differently next time.

• Practice saying no. Peer pressure to smoke may be inevitable, but your adolescent doesn't need to give in. Help your adolescent practice saying, "No thanks, I don't smoke."

• Put it on paper. Encourage your adolescent to write down all the reasons he or she wants to stop smoking. The list can help your adolescent stay motivated when the temptation to smoke arises.

• Set a quit date. Help your adolescent choose a date to stop smoking. Avoid placing the stop date during a stressful time, such as final exams.

Above all, celebrate your adolescent's success. You might offer a favorite meal for a smoke-free day, a new shirt for a smoke-free week or a party with nonsmoking friends for a smoke-free month. Small rewards and plenty of positive reinforcement can help your adolescent maintain the motivation to stop smoking for good.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Preventing Teen Runaway Behavior

Runaway behavior for teens is usually not the result of a wish to have a Huckleberry Finn experience. It is often their dramatic way of dealing with longstanding problems or conflicts with family.

It is believed that between 1 and 1.3 million teens in the United States live in emergency shelters or on the streets. Research indicates that the problem is more prevalent for adolescent girls. Homeless teens tended to be younger, female, and white. Further, these girls engaged in problematic behaviors, such as vagrancy, sexual promiscuity, prostitution, suicide attempts, and becoming pregnant.

The types of runaway behavior were initially viewed dichotomously as "running from" or "running to" something. These include three categories:

1. the youngster who runs away from family strain caused by a crisis;
2. the youngster who runs away from excessive parental expectations and control;
3. the youngster who runs away from a physically or sexually abusive situation.

The "running to" teens may have experienced some problems with family or in school or the community, but is often searching for excitement. This type of runaway usually comes from a more normal family situation and runs away for existential reasons.

The "running from" teen is unhappy about one or more major areas of life (e.g., conflict with, or alienation from, family). The family situation is often pathological, such as that involving an alcoholic parent, physical or sexual abuse, or extreme financial difficulties. Running away in these instances can be viewed as a rational decision to escape harm.

The "thrown out" teen may have been forced to leave home, because of extreme family alienation or premature dissolution caused by chronic poverty, family conflict, substance abuse, or the death of caretakers.

In North America, runaway teens are widely regarded as a chronic and serious social problem. It is estimated that each year there are between 1.3 and 1.5 million runaway and homeless teens in the United States. This problem also exists in the United Kingdom, with runaway teens often congregating in London.

Current studies suggest that the primary cause of teen homelessness is family dysfunction in the form of parental neglect, physical or sexual abuse, family substance abuse, and family violence. Family conflict can also be caused by sudden and or drastic changes in the family composition (i.e. a divorce, re-marriage, death of a parent), parental substance abuse, teen's substance abuse, and teen's sexual activity. They may have difficulty obtaining affordable housing, due to landlords being reluctant to rent to young adults. Since most homeless teens drop-out of school, they also have difficulty competing successfully in the job market.

A related term used for runaways is "throwaway teen". Normally a throwaway teen is someone who has been "locked out" or forced to leave home by his/her moms and dads or caregivers. However, the distinction between runaways and throwaways is not clear as in many cases it depends on who provides the information. When the moms and dads are asked they say the teen ran away, while the teen would say he or she was forced to leave, either directly or by circumstances. In most cases, teens run away because the situation at home is seen as unbearable and not because they are looking for excitement or fun.

Running away from home is considered a crime in some jurisdictions, but it is usually a status offense punished with probation, or not punished at all. Giving aid or assistance to a runaway instead of turning them in to the police is a more serious crime called "harboring a runaway", and is typically a misdemeanor. The law can vary considerably from one jurisdiction to another; in the United States there is a different law in every state. A 2003 FBI study showed that there were 123,581 arrests for runaway teens in the United States.

Motivations of a Runaway—

• avoid an emotional experience or consequence that they are expecting in some future encounter or situation
• avoid the loss of activities, relationships or friendships that are considered important or worthwhile
• be with others or in places that are distractions from other problems in their life
• be with others people who are supportive, encouraging and active
• change or stop what they are doing or about to do
• escape a recurrent or ongoing unpleasant, painful or difficult experience in their life

Problems that Increase the Risk of a Runaway—

• alcohol or other drug use
• child abuse or neglect
• death in the family that is not handled appropriately
• divorce or separations that are not handled appropriately
• oppositional and defiant behavior combined with inappropriate romantic or involvement with an antisocial peer group

Warning Signs of a Potential Runaway—

• an increasing pattern of impulsive, irrational and emotionally abusive behavior by either the parent(s) or teenager
• attempts to communicate result in arguments, raised voices, interruptions, name calling, hurt feelings and failure to reach an acceptable agreement
• the youngster has a network of friends who are largely unsupervised, oppositional, defiant, involved with drugs and other antisocial behaviors.

Communication that Helps Prevent Runaways—

The following is a brief list of suggestions that can help reduce the risk of a runaway:

• Get professional advice from a qualified mental health professional if your youngster is demanding, threatening or acting as if they should be allowed to do whatever they want.
• If you get overwhelmed or upset tell your youngster, "I'm overwhelmed and a little upset. I need a break and a chance to calm down and think about this." Then tell them you want a 20 minute (or so) break and then you will talk to them again. Be sure to take a break.
• Never call your teenager names or label them with words like liar, a thief, a brat, a punk, childish, immature, untrustworthy, selfish, cruel, unkind, stupid, etc... These words will not help. Your youngster will only begin to think of you in negative terms and may even start calling you worse names.
• Never dare your youngster to run away because you think they may not.
• Never explain yourself or argue if your youngster expects you to justify the fact that you do not agree.
• Never interrupt your teenager when they are talking or trying to explain something - even if you disagree. Waite until they are done.
• Never raise your voice or yell - especially when your teenager is raising their voice or yelling.
• Never use sarcasm or a negative attitude that demonstrates that you do not respect your teenager.
• Remember you can also agree with your youngster, but you don't have to let them do whatever they want. For instance, you might agree that there is be no significant difference between some teenagers who are 17 years old and some people who are 21 years old, but that does not mean you will allow teenagers to consume alcohol at a party at your house.
• Remind yourself that simply listening and that telling your youngster that you understand does not mean you will agree when they are finished, nor does it mean you will do what they seem to want.
• Stay calm and quiet, make eye contact, and don't respond if your youngster is angry, shouting or in a rage. Waite until they are calm.
• Talk less and use fewer words than your teenagers.
• Tell your teenager that you understand what they are saying. Say "I understand." And if you don't understand, say "I'm not sure I understand ...tell me again."
• When two moms and dads are speaking with a teenager, it is important to take turns, but be careful to let your teenagers speak as much as BOTH moms and dads speak. Both moms and dads should talk equally and use less words than their youngster.
• When you don't agree and you are certain that you understand your teenager's point of view (and your teenager believes you understand) tell your teenager. "I think I understand, but I don't agree with you. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."
• When your teenager stops talking, ask "Is there anything else you want to tell me."

Steps You Can Take that Will Help Reduce the Risk of a Runaway—

1. Develop a Crisis Intervention plan for your teenager if the situation involves a crisis or recurrent crises.
2. Develop a plan that will minimize and limit all communication that usually leads to conflict, aggression or violence and take steps to resolve problems calmly. Establish a plan that supports communication.
3. Encourage a medical evaluation and treatment for any mental illness or other medical condition requiring medication or medical treatment.
4. Evaluate any alcohol and other drug use and treat as recommended by a qualified professional.
5. If appropriate, consider enrolling and participating in an educational or skills training group that will improve communication and interpersonal skills (e.g. parenting skills, communication, divorce adjustment, assertiveness training, conflict resolution, or strategies to diffuse angry, aggressive and violent behavior).
6. If there is abuse or neglect, seek advice and further investigation from a qualified mental health profession, law enforcement or an attorney who has experience dealing with abuse and neglect issues. An attorney can provide absolute confidentiality. Law enforcement and some mental health professionals cannot.
7. Review and familiarize yourself with the material on this web site that pertain to Crisis Intervention.
8. Seek an evaluation and advice from a qualified mental health professional or crisis intervention specialist if your youngster may be self-harming, suicidal, destructive or violent.
9. Seek counseling or therapy for any emotional problems or difficulties associated with any angry, violent or suicidal behavior from a qualified mental health professional.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents of Defiant Teens