Reducing Parent-Child Conflict

Parent-child conflict occurs for many reasons. When it does occur, the entire family can be thrown into emotional turmoil. Resolving a parent-child conflict requires the participation of everyone involved.

Communication is a very beneficial tool in resolving conflict. When parenting, we need to listen to our kids and consider their input. Understanding why parent-child conflict occurs and how to resolve it can help bring harmony back to the entire family.

An important feature of parent-child relationships that affects the negativity of conflicts is that the relationships are not voluntary (i.e., kids do not pick their moms and dads). Like marriage partners, moms and dads and their children develop considerable intimacy. More so than spouses, however, moms and dads and their kids are "bound" in a family relationship, which can serve to intensify serious conflicts between them. Family disputes often represent underlying relational struggles regarding power or intimacy.

Regardless of the "involuntary" nature of parent-child relationships, family conflict has the potential to positively impact kids in the long-run. Childhood conflict interactions can contribute positively to personal and social development because the child is learning conflict resolution skills (assuming the parent is modeling such skills during and after conflict arises).

In addition, moms and dads can develop their negotiation skills in conflicts with their kids. To garner such positive rewards from conflict interactions, family members need two basic skills for conflict management: (a) flexibility versus rigidity and (b) the ability to manage conflict without escalating the severity of the problem.

I am often asked, “What is the best way to reduce conflict with my children?” The #1 thing parents can do to reduce conflict is to teach “self-reliance.” How? By giving them age-appropriate amounts of freedom.

Honor your kid’s need for freedom and exploration while teaching him/her to be safe. After all, you want your son or daughter to develop the ability to survive and thrive without you someday. You are not going to be around forever. You should want your youngster to safely and responsibly handle ever-increasing freedom. Thus, slowly increase the freedom you give your youngster while you teach her/him how to handle that additional freedom.

Your parenting job is to teach your kids to satisfy their need for freedom while you satisfy your need for keeping them safe. This is the process that helps moms and dads and kids handle their inherent conflict. (As an important side-note, safety always comes before freedom, which means that children will not always be able to do what they want if the parent views it as unsafe).

So the next time you get into an argument with your adolescent who wants permission to attend a birthday party that you are worried about, or your 10-year-old wants to go a movie with a friend without adult supervision, or your 3-year-old wants to wander further away from the front porch than you feel comfortable with, take a moment to remember the inherent conflict between you and your youngster.

Is it possible for you to teach your youngster how to handle a little more freedom safely? Can you stretch the limit of what feels safe and comfortable for you, just a little? Take a chance of granting a little more freedom for your kids so that they can stretch their wings and learn to be safe with more freedom. This is fostering the development of self-reliance!

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Best Comment:

First of all, I am not a parent, I am just shy of my 21st birthday but I am at my wits end with my younger 17-year-old sister and with my parents' ineffective attempts to deal with her.

The trickiest part about my family's situation is that virtually nobody outside of my immediate family experiences my sister's childish behavior. In some ways, I feel that this is somewhat my fault. When I was younger I was NEVER out of line, since I was in 6th grade I would come home by myself and get all my homework done immediately. The issue is that under these relaxed conditions, I never created any major problems but for my sister there have been disastrous consequences.

At home, my sister spends all of her time of facebook or watching junk television (a la Maury or Jerry Springer), NEVER does any homework and takes no responsibility for herself whatsoever. My parents come home to find messes everywhere such as dishes with old food left everywhere, food packages left out of the refrigerator, bathrooms that look booby-trapped smelling of hairspray with puddles everywhere and somehow she uses all the family shampoo in one shower and it ends up on the bathtub floor where I have slipped, her room looks like something out of A&E's Hoarders and she expects special treatment at the drop of a hat. If I do not get out of the living room to let her watch her show, I get tantrums and non-sequitor responses like "oh yeah, well we aren't going on vacation this year because your summer class cost too much money!", which is essentially her way of saying "well you're not perfect either so you can't tell me what to do so fuck off!"

Thing is, if I tell her to do anything she gets mad at me since I am an older brother, not a parent so I can't tell her what to do, but I'm really trying to avoid hearing a drawn out argument between her and my mother later which I cannot stand anymore. My mother is a lawyer and my father is an engineer and both work full time, they are two of the smartest and most diligent people I know so it drives me up the wall to see them come home every day to a nasty daughter who takes no responsibility for herself. She never cleans up after herself because she assumes she can get away with it and she's right, my parents would rather clean up the kitchen then argue with her about it which she will never do. She sees/saw a therapist and a tutor to help her with various school and home issues and organization respectively. Eventually she made appointments herself due to her complicated tennis schedule which interfered with her former times and she has essentially stopped making them. She did not see either of these expensive professionals as people to aide her to better herself but as a burden my parents placed upon her.

She sees any attempts of advice or direction such as "clean up after yourself" or "do your homework" as a violation of her privacy and the messes that she leaves for my parents to clean up again and again solidify to me that she does not give a shit about anybody else. No one she knows would believe any of this as far as I know; she puts on a facade outside. Perhaps worst of all, I feel like my dog is getting more and more unhealthy whenever I come back from school. In high school I my dog every day with a friend and his dog and would play fetch with a tennis ball every day for close to an hour. Now I am afraid that she gets walked twice a day at most for 15 minutes each. Once at around 7am and the other at around 9pm. She no longer gets any exercise and cannot run like she used to and it pains me to see that whenever I come home.

In short, my sister is utterly sloppy, rude and disrespectful to (seemingly) only my parents and I, my father is quite lame when it comes to giving and enforcing orders (he has issues with depression) and my mother comes home late from work, exhausted and finds my sister's messes to clean up. I am afraid that neither of them is around enough to discipline her and I am afraid she has had too much autonomy at home alone and is too old for discipline to work. The act of working constantly and appeasing my sister's requests and spending money on specialists that make no short-term progress is costly and harmful. I feel as though my parents appease her constantly just to give themselves a break and the stress that we all feel is through the roof. I myself suffer from depression and have gone through several slumps at school which my sister uses (loudly) against me.

It pains me to see my sister get away with so much and my parents under so much stress. Whenever I suggest anything, they dismiss it immediately and don't take my advice seriously because of my age and because they believe that our situation at home is not that bad.

Pick Your Battles Carefully

Hi Mark,

Its been quite a while since I emailed in crisis! The good news is that I’m not emailing in crisis just thought I’d update you & ask for a steer on a couple of things!

So update:

After Danielle was away from home for 6 weeks, she asked to return home (she’s now been home for 2 months) & as guided by you we welcomed her back on the proviso that she sign up to a really clear home rules contract – she did & the benefits & consequences are crystal clear!

She’s got herself a job which is great & is paying $25 rent a week, she hasn’t missed a curfew & when we say no she seems to accept it much quicker than she has in the passed – plus the yelling & screaming matches have stopped. She’s dropped out of mainstream school but is doing an alternative school program and hasn’t missed a day – its not what we wanted for her but we are fully supporting this as a respectful, self reliant young adult is preferred – when & if she realises she needs a higher grade of education she can do that in her time.

I am waiting for it to all go south but fingers crossed we are seeing a turn around, we did notice a difference when she started seeing a boy but we had a conversation about the changes we were seeing in a calm way & she seems to have responded well.

We have a happier a much happier home at the moment – my question is around family participation – pretty much there is none – Danielle spends 100% of her time with her friends (they are not really our choice of friends!!) she is pleasant at home & is doing the chores she’s been allocated – we do invite her to do things with the rest of the family but 9 out of 10 times we get a no. This upsets my husband.

My view is that she’s turning 16 in a month, she’s following the rules, the fighting between us & her in negligible & she’s a teenager who wants to spend time with her friends – this is normal behaviour & we should just keep on inviting her to participate in family life & accept that 9/10 times the answer will be no! Correct?

I know I’ve said it before but thank God for you & your program, we’ve had a hellish year (I’ve lost many pounds!!!) but we are at a status quo – one that I hope will last & we are prepared with a strategy that if God forbid it all goes wrong again (fingers crossed that doesn’t happen).

Again many, many thanks – we’ve just got to tackle her just turned 5 & 7 year old brothers now!

Rach

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Hi Rach,

Re: My view is that she’s turning 16 in a month, she’s following the rules, the fighting between us & her in negligible & she’s a teenager who wants to spend time with her friends – this is normal behaviour & we should just keep on inviting her to participate in family life & accept that 9/10 times the answer will be no! Correct?

You are 100% correct. Pick your battles carefully. If her participation is such a big issue - then give her some incentive (e.g., "If you'll come to the cookout, we'll go to the Mall and get you a new shirt afterwards"). Her presence in these family get-togethers is your privilege - not your right! If she is doing well in all (or most) other areas, then a reward for family participation is justified.

Mark

Parenting Teens: Tips for Single Moms

Raising teens is a challenge no matter how many parents are living in the home. Particularly challenging are the ages between 12 and 16, which are marked by mood swings, defiant attitudes and attempts to push limits set by parents. During this time, teenagers try their hardest to gain independence and self-autonomy. In addition, teenagers are often masters at pitting married parents against one another, so when parents are divorced and living in different households, it can be extra difficult to co-parent with effectiveness.

So, what can a single mom do to make the adolescent years sail as smoothly as possible? Here are 20 important tips:

1. Ask others for help when necessary. The single mother frequently feels overwhelmed by the responsibility, tasks, and emotional overload associated with raising kids alone. It is extremely important to manage time wisely and to ask for help when necessary. Assign kids appropriate chores and tasks. Arrange car pools when possible, and ask other moms and dads for help when needed. My kids would not have been able to continue in club soccer were it not for the kindness of other moms and dads providing rides to practices and games.

2. Create an inviting environment. Make your home a safe haven for not only your own youngster, but for your youngster's friends as well. This means being approachable and available, even if the adolescents don't have much to say. Talk about your favorite TV show or other non-threatening topics. Have sit-down dinners whenever possible and encourage your children' friends to eat with you, even if it's pizza or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Declare your home a peace zone, keeping arguments at a minimum and humor at a maximum. Adolescents love to laugh, and they love to tease. Learn to laugh at yourself and with them. If you handle setting boundaries, you will spend a lot less time revisiting familiar battles and will have more opportunities to enjoy living together. This inviting attitude will keep your children and their friends closer to home and out of trouble -- and will mean less stress for you!

3. Don't treat your youngster like a peer. Do not confide in your youngster as though he/she is your peer, regardless of how mature the youngster appears to be. This is a common mistake made unintentionally by many single moms who turn to their youngster for emotional support and don't realize they are hurting the youngster until after the tact. Allow kids to be kids, and find other grown-ups for companionship and support.

4. Establish firm, clear boundaries that leave no doubt that you are the boss in the home. Single moms often make the mistake of allowing kids to become equal partners or peers, and too many kids are running the show. This loads to serious individual and family problems. Kids need limits. Use consistent discipline that provides clear expectations and guidelines for behavior, and rely on natural and logical consequences. Learn to say, "I love you enough to say 'NO' to you."

5. Establish schedules and predictable routines. Part of creating stability and security in the home involves establishing predictable schedules and routines for your kids. Of course, we must not be rigid and inflexible, because kids need to learn that life is not always predictable. Find a healthy balance.

6. Give yourself credit for a job well done. No matter how loving and competent you are, you are still only one person and you are doing a job most agree is meant for two people. Do not allow your kids to manipulate you by making you feel guilty about the situation. Remind kids that you are a team and have to work together. You may have to wait until your children are grown before you get any credit from them. This is where a sense of humor comes in handy!

7. Have a support system. Develop a wide network of people who can provide you with emotional support, companionship, help in emergencies, child-care, reality checks, etc. Be selective and choose caring, reliable, trustworthy people who will be there for you In times of need. Single moms with healthy support systems usually feel better mentally and physically and demonstrate to their kids that it is OK to ask for help. Support groups for single moms offer an excellent opportunity to socialize and share with others in similar circumstances.

8. Have realistic expectations. Focus on success and not on failure. Set realistic goals as a family and work together to accomplish these goals. Decide what is important and prioritize accordingly. Have family meetings on a regular basis and allow kids to have input. Learn to effectively communicate and solve family problems together while still demonstrating that you are the boss. Give your children credit and give yourself credit.

9. Have some non-negotiable house rules. When it comes to alcohol, drugs, smoking and other obvious health risks, there should be no negotiation, and your adolescent needs to know this every time you sit down to have your six-month meeting. Let her know she is responsible for her own behavior and should take herself out of situations that could lead to trouble. Other items you can discuss are your rules about body piercing, tattoos, driving with a seatbelt, etc. When your adolescent sees that you are serious about health and safety issues, and you have a set of firm consequences to address violations, she may whine and moan -- but she'll get the message that you care and will most likely 'walk the line.'

10. Have some rules regarding dress codes and hairstyles. This is a good place for negotiating. The job of the adolescent is to shock her mom or dad! Most of the time, her desires to wear extreme clothing or hairstyles is directly correlated to the parent's vulnerability to the shock value. If you are horrified that your son wants to wear 36-inch wide bell bottom jeans, you might want to compromise and allow 24-inch wide. If your daughter wants to dye her hair purple, don't freak out. Encourage her to buy non-permanent dye and allow her to do it for a weekend. Compromise a little, and don't let your shock show. The motivation for the extreme will probably wane.

11. Have the right attitude about single-parenting. Grown-ups and kids do better when single parenthood is perceived as a viable option and not as a pathological situation. Start with a positive attitude and focus on the benefits of single parenting (e.g., less conflict and tension in the home). Many single moms treasure their newfound autonomy and independence and feel hopeful about the future.

12. If you are feeling overwhelmed, depressed, anxious or stressed, get professional help. A competent therapist can help you find the light at the end of the tunnel. A great support system will contribute to your ability to be a good parent and raise good children!

13. Let your adolescents know that they are always welcome to talk to you anytime no matter what time day or night. Adolescents needs their moms and dads during the difficult years despite the bad attitudes.

14. Make sure that you keep communication with your adolescents. Be concerned when they stop talking to you for long periods of time. You want them to be open with you and able to talk to you about boys or even girls and any other issues going on.

15. Set tough consequences for dishonesty and lateness without a phone call. Setting blanket curfews based on age can be pointless because if there is no reason for a adolescent to be out until 11 p.m., then the curfew for that night should be earlier. "Cruising" and hanging out until curfew provides more time to look for trouble. Find out where your adolescent is going, who she will be with, and what she will be doing. Base curfew times on what she has planned. If she's going to a 7:30 p.m. movie, then set the curfew for 10 p.m. Let her know you expect a phone call 30 minutes before she expects to be late, not five minutes.

16. Show respect for the other parent (assuming you are divorced). A week before your six-month meeting with your adolescent, call the other parent and talk about how things have been going in each household. Find out about any new rules and issues that have come up. Talk about how you might help reinforce the rules in the other household. Even though you may have different rules, respect the other parent's opinion and explain to your adolescent that you are each entitled to make different rules for your separate homes. Don't try to change the rules in the other home, but do show support if you can for the other parenting style. If you think a style is extreme or hurtful, consult with an adolescent counselor to make sure the other parent isn't engaging in harmful discipline. Most of the time, though, there is a wide range of healthy variations in parenting styles that will not adversely affect your adolescent's emotional welfare. Explain to your adolescent that when she enters the workforce, she will be forced to work within varying guidelines in different companies and with different supervisors, so operating under moderately different household guidelines should be respected and will be good training for her future.

17. Take care of yourself. It is critical for your kid's well being for you to take care of yourself. There are times when you feel like you need a break. Ask other single moms and dads to trade babysitting or hire a mother's helper. Pay special attention to diet, exercise, stress management, and getting a good night's sleep. Learn relaxation, yoga, meditation, visualization, or whatever healthy coping skill allows you to relieve stress and tension. Take a walk, read a book, call a friend, take a nap (my personal favorite). A stressed out parent results in stressed out children.

18. Talk to your adolescents about sex, divorce, and drugs. You can even talk to them about birth control if they are willing to listen. This is important that your adolescents are informed about important issues regarding sex and drugs.

19. They need encouragement to do well in school. Adolescents usually want the approval of their moms and dads. They want to know that you are very happy when they get good grades in school.

20. Create realistic and enforceable boundaries. The earlier this is done the better. Let your adolescent know that you will negotiate boundaries every six months, in January and June, for instance. This means that twice a year, you will sit down with her and discuss important rules and appropriate consequences for her age. Let her come up with ideas so that she will be more apt to comply. Topics to discuss should include:

• Appropriate places for hanging out with friends. If R-rated movies are against your rules, make that clear. If your adolescent is driving, make specific rules about when and how often she can use the car and who will pay for expenses.
• Household chores, job expectations and church and/or social responsibilities.
• How time is spent after school and on school nights.
• How time is spent at home during summer break and on weekends.
• What your expectations are for completing homework and chores before talking on the phone or visiting with friends, and when she should be in bed with the lights out.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents of Defiant Teens