How To Be A "Bad" Parent

Have you ever been to a friend's house, the Mall, or a restaurant and witnessed a very disturbing parent-child interaction that caused you to have the thought, “Oh my God …that parent should be arrested!” or something similar? Unfortunately, there are a lot of good people out there who are just plain “bad” parents. And here’s how they do it…

12 ways to be the best “bad” parent out there:

Bad Parenting Method #1: Don’t build strong bonds.

Corrective Measures: If you want your youngster to be more cooperative, change your focus from improving him to improving your relationship. When you dwell on the ways he's misbehaving, it just discourages both of you (you feel like a bad parent, and he feels as if he can't do anything right). Besides, all that energy you're using to correct him could be channeled into something more uplifting and effective. So try to give him positive feedback several times a day (i.e., a specific compliment on something you see him doing).

Bad Parenting Method #2: Don’t change your “parenting practices” as the son or daughter grows older.

Corrective Measures: When discipline doesn't seem to be working for your family, you want to step back and look again at the problem. The first step is to learn “what is normal behavior” for your youngster's age and stage of development. Some misbehavior is an expression of transitions in the school-age child’s rapid development. Parental expectations may be beyond what the youngster is able to achieve on a consistent basis.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Bad Parenting Method #3: Don’t change yourself first.

Corrective Measures: When your youngster misbehaves, ask yourself, “What is it that I need to know?” “How am I contributing to this behavior?” “What could I do differently that would help my youngster?” Seek first to understand the situation, the contributing factors, and how you can change yourself. You may discover that you need to add a few tools to your parenting tool box.

Bad Parenting Method #4: Avoid having good family communication.

Corrective Measures: Giving instructions and consequences, planning for good behavior, listening to your youngster, holding family meetings, and resolving conflict are just a few of the opportunities moms and dads have to encourage self-discipline and maintain good family relationships. When confronting a problem, your style of communication will help or hinder a successful resolution.

Bad Parenting Method #5: Don’t increase the number of tools in your parenting tool box.

Corrective Measures: When you develop a well-stocked parenting tool box, you increase the likelihood that you will match the most effective tool with the appropriate situation. The more you learn the more options you have when a difficult behavior arises.

Bad Parenting Method #6: Don’t learn what best fits your kids.

Corrective Measures: Some kids are visual learners, some are auditory learners, and some are more tactile in their learning. When your youngster behaves in a way that calls for your correction and guidance, stop to ask yourself what would be the best way to deliver the guidance. Choose the method that fits their learning style and the odds that your youngster will learn more efficiently increases

Bad Parenting Method #7: Avoid reinventing yourself and learning from others.

Corrective Measures: Take parenting classes. Read parenting books. Consult parenting experts. Actively seek information and ideas from the many ways it is provided today. One can find parenting techniques on YouTube, in books stores, or by attending workshops in your community.

Bad Parenting Method #8: Punish and shame rather than teach and guide.

Corrective Measures: Your role as a mother or father is to help your kids learn how to manage their own behavior. When you shame, threaten and punish your kids, ask yourself, “What is my behavior teaching my kids?” Consider that the main lesson you are teaching them is that shame, threatening or physical force is an appropriate way to get what you want in this world. Is that the lesson you want your kids to learn?

Bad Parenting Method #9: Show disrespect for the youngster.

Corrective Measures: Discipline techniques that belittle or shame a youngster are truly harmful. If your relationship with your youngster has become a power struggle, then control – not discipline – has become your goal. Defuse this toxic relationship with good listening skills. Show respect for your youngster's feelings and thoughts, while standing firm on your expectations for good behavior. Respect for moms and dads and other authorities is crucial to self-discipline and healthy development. Help your youngster learn respect for authority by making your own words and actions as a parent worthy of respect.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Bad Parenting Method #10: Parent the way you were parented.

Corrective Measures: Most moms and dads use similar techniques and strategies to those their moms and dads used with them. “Well my parents did it this way with me – and I’m fine,” some parents offer as an excuse to keep from learning alternate ways of managing kid’s behavior. Much has changed in our world from when we were growing up as kids. Be open to seeing new ways to approach your important role as a mother or father.

Bad Parenting Method #11: Parent your children the way you wanted to be parented as a child.

Corrective Measures: Many parents did not get the love and acceptance they wanted - and needed - as children. As a result, they make the mistake of parenting the opposite way they were parented. For example, “My parents were just plain mean, so I am going to try to be my child’s best friend.” …or… “We were always poor as dirt, so I’m going to see to it that my child has everything he needs!” You may have been parented poorly by your parents, but that doesn’t mean they did everything wrong. Take the good parts – and keep them. Trade-in the not-so-good parts for something better.

Bad Parenting Method #12: Forget about using "I" statements.

Corrective Measures: Children learn early on to tune-out their moms and dads' endless "no's" and nagging. So if your requests and commands aren't producing results, avoid using them. Using "I" statements, tell your child what his actions do to you: "I get upset when I see you throwing food because I have to clean up the mess" (try not to whine when you say this!). When you give a warning, continue to emphasize what you'll do: "You’ll go to your room without dinner if you throw your food again," and then follow through so it's not an idle threat. As you focus on your own actions instead of harping on your youngster's behavior, you'll feel more in control, and so will he. He'll begin to see the connection between his actions and their consequences. Of course, no discipline strategy can make children behave perfectly all the time. But if you and your youngster are caught in a bad cycle, sometimes all it takes is a change in your behavior to bring out the best in his.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Why Teens Make Poor Decisions and How Parents Can Help

Teenagers smoke, take drugs, have unprotected sex and ride with drunk drivers, not because they think they are invulnerable or haven't thought about the risks. In fact, they are more likely to ponder the risks, take longer weighing the pros and cons of engaging in high-risk behavior than grown-ups, and actually overestimate the risks. It's just that they often decide the benefits (e.g., the immediate gratification, peer acceptance, etc.) outweigh the risks.

While grown-ups scarcely think about engaging in many high-risk behaviors because they intuitively grasp the risks, teenagers take the time to mull-over the risks and benefits. In other words, more experienced decision-makers tend to rely more on fuzzy reasoning, processing situations and problems as a “general idea” rather than weighing multiple factors. On the other hand, emergency room doctors (for example) make better decisions by processing less information and making sharper black-and-white distinctions among decision-making options. This leads to better decisions, not only in everyday life, but also in places like emergency rooms where the speed and quality of risky decisions are critical.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Interventions that use risk data regarding smoking or unprotected sex, for example, may actually backfire if teens overestimate their risks anyway. Instead, interventions should help them develop "general-idea-based" thinking in which dangerous risks are categorically avoided rather than weighed in a rational, deliberative way.

Decision-making is the process of choosing what to do by considering the possible consequences of different choices. Reasoning skills are utilized in the decision-making process and refer to specific cognitive abilities, some of which include assessing probability and thinking systematically or abstractly. The basic process that decision-makers use when confronted with a decision involves:

• listing relevant choices
• identifying potential consequences of each choice
• assessing the likelihood of each consequence actually occurring
• determining the importance of these consequences
• combining this information to decide which choice is the most appealing

Many different factors influence how teens make decisions. These may include cognitive, psychological, social, cultural, and societal factors. Cognitive factors refer to the mental processes of reasoning and perception. These decision-making processes mature with age and experience and are influenced by a teen’s brain development and acquisition of knowledge. Social and psychological factors refer to those influences from within a teen’s family, peer group, or self (e.g., self-esteem, locus of control, etc.). Some cultural and societal factors which influence a teen’s decisions include religious beliefs, socioeconomic conditions, and ethnicity.

Teenagers face a number of challenges in making healthy decisions due to the following:

• they may be influenced by their emotions and fail to use decision-making processes
• they may favor their own experience over probabilistic evidence when determining the likelihood of the consequences of their actions
• they may focus more on the social reactions of their friends when deciding to engage in or avoid risky behaviors
• they may have a hard time interpreting the meaning or credibility of information when making decisions
• they may lack the experience, knowledge or feeling of control over their lives to come up with alternative choices
• they may misperceive certain behaviors as less risky
• they may be overly optimistic about their ability to recognize and avoid threatening situations
• they may not be able to accurately estimate the probability of negative consequences
• they may see only either-or choices rather than a variety of options

The issue of decision-making becomes increasingly important during the teenage years because adolescents are developing greater autonomy and encountering more choices independent of adults. The choices adolescents make may drastically affect not only their own lives, but the lives of others as well. Some of these choices may include which career to pursue, whether or not to have sex or use contraceptives, whether or not to use alcohol, cigarettes, or other drugs, or whether or not to engage in violent or risky behaviors. Concern about these "risk behaviors" has led to the development of prevention and intervention programs that strive to help adolescents better protect themselves with effective decision-making skills.

Research has repeatedly demonstrated that youth development programs are successful in promoting positive behavior and preventing problem behavior when these programs help teenagers learn the following:

• coping strategies
• decision-making
• problem solving
• refusal strategies
• resistance strategies
• social and self-regulation skills

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Programs that incorporate decision-making skills have been found to delay the onset of sexual activity, reduce the frequency of sexual activity, and increase safer-sex behaviors. Research has also shown that teens armed with sound decision-making skills are better able to refuse alcohol and other drugs. Moreover, teens who perceive themselves as having better problem-solving skills are less likely to be depressed and have fewer suicidal thoughts.

Adolescents also need strong decision-making skills because the U.S. economy requires workers that are capable of thinking and making decisions at higher levels of sophistication than preceding generations. Furthermore, a successful democracy relies on citizens who can think critically about diverse issues and intelligently decide how society should address these issues.

Research has not yet answered how best to teach decision-making skills to teenagers, but some concrete methods include:

• assisting them to recognize their own biases
• encouraging them to search for new information when making decisions and helping them to avoid overestimating their knowledge and capabilities
• having teens work in pairs or small groups on relevant decision problems
• helping teens understand how their choices affect others
• providing accurate information to teenagers about the actual number of other teens engaging in risky behaviors to counteract media messages
• providing teens with opportunities to practice and rehearse decision-making skills
• teaching them about how their emotions may influence their thinking and behavior
• using a general heuristic framework to help teens learn how to think critically about decision problems
• utilizing concrete situations and decision problems that reflect the teens’ interests and have relevance to their lives

When teenagers are unsure of themselves, they are more likely to give in to peer-pressure. When a teenager feels good about herself, it improves the odds that she will make good decisions. Moms and dads can build teenagers’ self-confidence by teaching them to think for themselves. Ask your teenager for her opinion, even about small issues. Urge her to make decisions. Praise her for positive choices, and let her know that you appreciate her – and her achievements. Expose her to activities, people, places, and ideas, because doing so will broaden her outlook and help to limit the influence of negative peers. The likely result is a teenager that doesn’t worry about what others say, thinks things through, and chooses wisely.

The teen needs to know her “self.” This calls for a set of rules about what she is willing - or not willing - to do. If her rules apply to a situation, then the decision will be automatic. Moms and dads can show the way to good conduct through example and by promoting values, explaining those values, and showing how they fit specific choices. Starting early ensures that standards have deep roots, but it is never too late to lay out a guide for conduct.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


Comment: 

For the past two years our lives have been nonstop drama and this past Sunday I made him leave. I had a complete and total melt down and said things to him that I have never ever said to him and which I now deeply regret. I sent him two text messages with heartfelt apologies, but he did not respond. I took him a change of clothes yesterday and he looked very tired, but I did not stay and I did not try to get him to come home, because I just do not think I can stand to be lied to or treated so disrespectfully anymore. So now he is staying with his adult brother, who allows him to smoke pot and has encouraged my teen to quit school and come work with him at his automotive shop. This has been going on for months now and my son has quit school because of his older brothers influence and has even overdosed on something my adults son's wife gave my teen last August. I have tried to keep him away from my teen because he is a horrible role model and influence, but his shop is 4 blocks from our home and every time my teen and I have a disagreement, he runs to my adult son who confirms to him that I am a horrible mother. I raised both of them on my own, their fathers were pretty much no shows, and we had little family support, so I did the best I could. It just never seemed to be enough. 

 The oldest got in a lot of trouble when he was younger too, and after helping him get out of it all, I allowed him to live with me until he was 25 and he and my teen bonded very tightly, so breaking that bond is impossible, but I feel like the oldest is jealous of his baby brother and is deliberately giving him poor advice hoping he will fail and continuously undermines me as a parent and does things to deliberately sabotage any progress my teen and I might make ~ such as being the one to keep him out after curfew and then act like I am being ridiculous by telling him it is time for him to come home. My adult son is very passive aggressive and will smile in your face while stabbing you in the heart and pretend that he is doing you a favor. My mom and dad do not even have anything to do with him because he has dealt so deceitfully with them in the past. Right now my teen has two court dates, one for paraphernalia and another for forgery and submitting fraudulent documents to the court. And like I said, last Sunday night I made my teen leave after he broke curfew again and stayed out until 1 a.m. while being on probation. He had been sneaking out his bedroom window just three days prior to that and I had told him that if he broke the house rules again, that there would be dire consequences. But he does not care. He didn't even TRY to call me to tell me he would be late and refused to respond to my texts messages until I threatened to turn his "friend" in that helped him forge his community service records. We have to be in court on the 19th of June and I was going to ask the judge to put him in a treatment center for 30 days instead of Juvie or a fine. I have already written her a letter as such, but the courts tell me that they are a municipal court and do not really have that "kind" of jurisdiction. So I have nowhere to turn for help with him. 

We have been in counseling for months now with a family crisis counselor but she says that my son is master manipulator and she is wasting her time with him because he won’t "do the work" that’s required for us to resolve all his problems. So right now, he is truant, on probation, not at home but with an adult sibling that lives in the back of his automotive shop in an office cubicle, with the same woman that gave my teen drugs that he overdosed on. And I am lost as to knowing what to do. My teen seems so sweet and loving and polite to my face, but is very sneaky, deceitful and disrespectful behind my back, He has stolen from me, lied to my face and allowed kids to come in my home and use drugs and trash my home when I was gone. He did not even make them leave before I got home even though he knew I was on my way. When I had a meltdown after walking in to the damage, he responded that it was not "that bad" and that I "over reacted". His behavior reminds me of his father who is extremely bi-polar and most of this erratic behavior began after the overdose episode where he smoked something called "Purple Chronic". So I think he needs to be evaluated by someone, but he refuses to get treatment. So I am lost here and wonder if it might be too late for us.