The Power of Descriptive Praise

In an effort to enhance their kid's self-esteem, moms and dads often use praise to recognize the efforts and accomplishments of their kids. Of course, recognizing your kid's positive behavior is more likely to build self-esteem than dwelling on problems. But praise is not always uplifting.

Praise like “you're impressive …brilliant …amazing” can be too much for a child to believe. It is hard to accept such exaggerated praise. Have you ever noticed how uneasy you feel whenever anyone evaluates you? When someone tells you that you're “attractive” or “clever” -- all you can think about are the times you felt unsightly or did something stupid.

Kids also become uncomfortable with praise that evaluates them. They often dismiss it. Sometimes they will deliberately misbehave to prove you wrong. Instead of evaluating what your youngster has done, it is usually better to describe it. Describe in detail exactly what your youngster did. Then your youngster, hearing the description, is likely to recognize the truth and credit himself/herself.

The kind of praise a youngster can “believe” and that truly builds self-esteem comes in two parts:

1. the parent describes what the youngster has done (e.g., “I see you are all ready for school. You picked up your toys, put on your jacket, and even turned off the light in your bedroom”)
2. the youngster, after hearing his accomplishment described, praises himself/herself (e.g., “I know how to be responsible”)

Descriptive praise is harder and takes longer, but the payoff is usually greater. Descriptive praise helps kids become independent, creative thinkers and doers. They do not look to others for approval. They trust themselves and their own judgment. They have enough confidence to say to themselves, "I'm happy with what I have done." They learn to make changes or improvements based on their own evaluations.

Evaluative praise is a way of making - and keeping - kids dependent on parents. It gets children to conform to the parent's wishes. It sustains a dependence on the parent's evaluations and decisions about what is good and bad rather than helping children to begin to form their own judgments. It leads kids to measure their worth in terms of what will make parents smile and offer the positive words they crave. It leads to a dependency on approval. The evaluative praise, “You are a very helpful person,” makes the youngster dependent on the judgment of the person doing the praising. But the descriptive praise, “When you saw that Sally dropped her books, you stopped what you were doing and helped her pick them up” gives a youngster a sense of his own abilities and accomplishments.

Descriptive praise lets a youngster evaluate himself. If you want your son to focus his attention more on the impact he had on Sally, you can say something like, “Look at Sally’s face! She looks very happy because you helped her pick up the books.” You can help your youngster see how his actions affect others.

Parents should ask themselves, “Does my praise make my kids more dependent on me and my approval, or do my words help them see their strong points and give them a clear picture of their skills and accomplishments?” The goal is to help your kids get in touch with their own abilities such that they can praise themselves. The person your youngster needs to please is himself/herself.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Descriptive praise, then, has two parts:

1. the adult expresses appreciation for some specific contribution or effort
2. the youngster draws conclusions about himself/herself based on this specific statement from the adult

For a father to tell her daughter, “You're so smart” is not as effective in building self-esteem as saying “Math can be hard, but I see that you completed all your Math homework pretty quickly.” This girl can then think to herself, “I must be really smart. Dad thinks Math is hard.” These internal conclusions will be much more believable to the youngster than a father’s general value judgment of the youngster as an individual.

Evaluative comments are often unnecessary. In the long run, moms and dads can become less judgmental and controlling, and help their kids become more independent and motivated simply by acknowledging what their kids do. For example, simply pointing out an aspect of a youngster's handwriting that seems interesting (without saying that it's nice or that you liked it) will probably be enough to encourage further efforts.

For example, if your first-grader makes you a home-made birthday card, instead of saying “It's lovely,” you can describe it: “I really like your drawing of a birthday cake and the red candles on top. This card makes me feel happy!”

It takes some effort to use descriptive praise rather than evaluative praise. It takes skill to encourage children in such a way that they remain interested in what they are doing – but don't feel controlled.

Remember descriptive praise has two parts:

1. describe what you see and hear

2. describe what you feel

Name three things your youngster does that you might want to praise:

1.   

2.   

3.   

Now, describe what your youngster does, and share your comments with him/her.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Effective Discipline for Unruly Teens

Some disciplinary techniques are more effective than others. Fortunately, today there's a great deal of scientific evidence to back up behavior modification strategies. In order for a consequence to be effective, it must be:

• Unpleasant for your teenager
• Not too long (teens will give up if the consequence lasts too long)
• Not negotiable after the rule has been broken
• Immediate
• Age-appropriate
• A good match for the misbehavior

Disciplinary techniques that are effective can largely be grouped into two categories: 1) taking away something that is pleasurable (e.g., your attention, an exciting environment, a fun activity, etc.), and 2) imposing something that causes discomfort (e.g., paying a fine, doing extra chores, etc.). The consequence should always fit the misbehavior.

Draft a list of “Most Important House Rules” and put an appropriate consequence next to each one. Because these are the most important rules in your house, the disciplinary techniques should be fairly stiff. Next, clearly number and write the rules and their respective consequences on a large sheet of paper. For example:

1. Bedtime is 11:00 P.M. Go to bed on time every night. If you don’t, you will skip your extracurricular activities the next day (or the next time you have one).
2. Complete and turn in homework every day. If you don’t, I will go with you to school to discuss the matter with your teacher.
3. Go to school every day. If you skip school or leave school, I will go with you to school to discuss the matter with the principal.
4. No putting holes in walls or windows. If you do, you will spend the next weekend fixing the holes instead of going to any social activities.
5. Drugs are not allowed in the house. If I think you have any, I will call the police and we will search your bedroom.

In a moment of downtime when you don't anticipate an immediate power struggle, approach your teenager and say, “I love you too much to let things go on like they have been, and it is my job to keep you safe and help you prepare for adulthood, so we are going to have some important rules. These are the basic rules in our house, and the consequences for not obeying them.”

Next, show your teenager your list.  Ask if there are any questions, or if there is anything that isn't clear. Tell your teenager that the new rules are in effect immediately. Then tell her you love her, and end the conversation. Post the rules in a conspicuous place, and expect her to begin testing them right away.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Now let’s look at what doesn’t work…

Here is a list of disciplinary techniques that should be avoided, either because they are ineffective, or because they cause more harm than good:

1. Yelling: When you're yelling, you're certainly not talking with your teen, and too much yelling, or yelling that is too fierce, may cause your teen to feel angry, intimidated, resentful, or shamed. Expect yelling, tears, withdrawal, or a teen who learns to ignore you until you calm down.

2. Withholding affection: Withholding affection ties your love to your teen's behavior, and is completely opposite from the concept of unconditional love. A mother or father who withholds affection becomes cold and distant until the behavior improves, forcing the teen to (a) suffer the lack of support, and (b) become an amateur psychologist as he tries to figure out what is making you so upset. Moms and dads who withhold affection believe it will make their teenager shape up-quick. In reality, the teen will retreat, and in anger and hurt, rebel against you.

3. Traps: Laying traps for teens, to see if they'll lie, lose control, or misbehave in a seductive situation, is unfair and disrespectful. Support your teen. Plan for him to succeed – not fail.

4. Threats: Warnings are an effective disciplinary approach, but threats are not. Threats have an element of coercion, and they make a teen obey through fear or by threatening harm. The teen whose parents use threats will feel uneasy in the one place he should feel secure: his family. Teens who are threatened often get into lying or deceptive behavior. Since most threats are “empty,” they also learn not to trust what the parent says.

5. Shutting down: Shutting down and not talking to your teen about what is bothering you or him, or about his behavior, is not effective in addressing misbehavior or avoiding it in the future. Confrontation is hard. But if you talk about it, everyone feels better afterwards.

6. Shaming: These are verbal forms of humiliation, like mocking or making fun of a teen in public. Teens will live up to your expectation – good or bad – and they'll internalize your opinions of them. Keep your reinforcements positive.

7. Sarcasm: Sarcasm is a way of putting distance between you and your teen. It puts teens down, builds resentment, and it hurts. Consider what audience you are being sarcastic for. Often parents are at their most sarcastic when other parents are around—they're not really talking WITH their teenager, their talking ABOUT her. This isn't right.

8. Physical abuse: However you feel about physical discipline, there is no doubt that punching, shaking, slapping on the face or hands, beating, whipping, hair-pulling, burning, binding, or any other physical attacks on teenagers are never acceptable, no matter what the teen's misdeed or attitude, no matter how frustrated or angry you are. Teens who have suffered physical abuse spend years fighting against lowered self-respect, mental health issues, and behavioral problems. They often become part of a cycle of violence as they, too, begin to suffer from delinquency, crime, and violent patterns as both abusers and victims. If you or anybody else in your teen's life is resorting to physical abuse to handle your teen, you need to change these patterns, and to do this, you need help and support.

9. Nagging: Nagging is continuous harping about a task, a habit, or a personality trait. Nagging is a completely ineffective technique of getting a message to your teen and, while it's not particularly damaging, it does tend to damage the communication pathways between parents and teens. Say it once, then say it again strongly, and then be done with it and move on to action. 

10. Humiliation: Humiliation wears down a teen's self-image and self-respect. Humiliation teaches a teen that you don't value him. Respect your teen—his body, his mind, and his ego. Never underestimate the damage that can be done by humiliating a teen. One of the most common triggers of suicide in teens and adolescents is a humiliating experience.

11. Guilt trips: Guilt is especially destructive when imposed on teens, when they're already deeply self-conscious and self-disparaging.

12. Commanding and demanding: Commands and demands are sometimes necessary for safety reasons, but they should only be used in emergencies. Commands and demands are a power-play. Instead of, “Why? Because I say so!” …try using requests. They'll go a lot further in fostering mutual respect. For teens that tend to be willful and push buttons, commands and demands will often get you exactly what you don't want: resistance when you need something done immediately. Enlist the teen's help. In most cases, a gentle request will actually save you time.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents