Daughter is smoking anywhere between 3-5 joints a day...

Hi Mark. My daughter has now moved back home - about 1 1/2 weeks ago - having been gone for about 1 month in total. The work at the factory that she had been doing has now more or less dried up or is very sporadic. I have told her that as she is still refusing to attend school for the last couple of months she will have to go out and get another job as I do not want her staying at home all day doing nothing whilst I am at full time work. Also I do not trust her in the house on her own as she has people round without my permission.

>>>>>>>>> To allow her to just hang out at your house with no job and no effort to pursue an education is a gross form of over-indulgence. This cannot continue …period!

Trying to persuade Lauren to get another job yesterday turned into quite a heated discussion with her storming off and more or less ending in her threatening me with verbal and physical abuse and threatening to leave home again. Already today she has had her boyfriend round for a short while even though he is effectively 'banned' from our house.

>>>>>>>>>> Don’t waste time “persuading” …state that she has “X” number of days to either procure employment and/or get busy with her GED -- or she has to find somewhere else to live (14 days would be my time limit).

I do not feel I can chuck her out during the day as there is nowhere else she can go but don’t think she should be allowed to stay at home doing nothing if she is not prepared to go to school either.

>>>>>>>> Whose problem is it? The more responsibility you take for HER problem, the less responsibility she will take.

I cannot physically drag her out of her bed and to find something but do not want to keep going through this worry every day for the next 4/5 months before we find out if she has been accepted a place in college. She is also running up quite high debts with other people where she is living beyond her means and with no way of paying people back currently.

The whole situation is making me extremely upset and anxious and I feel powerless. I do not feel that she is trying to make any effort at all to compromise, its all take, take, take from her side and angry mood swings when things don’t go her way.

>>>>>>>>> “Compromising” is a traditional parenting strategy that doesn’t work.

The only time she is calm otherwise is when she is smoking weed - which obviously also really concerns me as she is smoking anywhere between 3-5 joints a day @ 16 years of age and I feel that this is very habit forming. She recently said, 'I don’t believe the cops should harass you for smoking weed .... They should be concerned about why people are trying to kill us ... rather than about me sitting here smoking on a joint.'

>>>>>>>>>> To allow her to live in your home and abuse illicit drugs is yet another gross form of over-indulgence. You should “turn her in.”

Please could you offer me some advice as to how best to motivate her into doing something more positive and respecting our house rules?

>>>>>>>>> As long as the over-indulgence persists – I'm afraid you’re stuck!

==> Online Parent Support: Help for Parents

Mother Pushes Her Teenage Son After Being Pushed Herself

>>>>>>>>>> Hi …I’ve answered below:

If R___ physically pushes me (albeit not very hard) how do I handle?

>>>>>>>>>> As I hope you read in the Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook, you have reached the 6th and final level of the anger ladder:

6th - Physical violence enters the picture here. This violence may be partially controlled because the kid knows what he is doing, even though later he might claim it was an accident. The kid plans to stop when he gets his way …if the parent gives in, he’ll back off.

Some of the things that may occur in this last stage:

· destruction of property
· domestic battery
· cops are called – sometimes by the kid
· parent files incorrigibility charge
· kid may not be conscious of his actions
· kid may become suicidal
· he may physically hurt the parent

>>>>>>>>>> I don’t think you realize how serious this is.

>>>>>>>>>> I would tell your son that the next time he pushes you, the police will be called and battery charges will be filed. And you, dear mom, cannot push back. If he were smart enough to pull it off, HE could call the cops ON YOU during these risky episodes in which pushing and shoving is going on. I see it happen – ALL THE TIME (i.e., the kid calling the cops of the parent and alleging abuse).

>>>>>>>>>> I’m telling you that you are treading on dangerous ground here. You DO NOT want Child Protective Services breathing down your back.

As a human being...I could not help myself...no one likes to be bullied...I pushed back (I know WRONG). Then it happened later with him dismissing my requests with a hand wave, an annoyed..."just stop talking" and a shove out of his way.

I am trying so hard to be calm but this came after he THREW his sibling on the ground.

Tried to follow the program protocol. Got out of the situation fast. Calmly said...you chose your consequence. Went to his room and took away his phone and laptop. But I am still seething. Let me know any other ideas. Taking away things has not seemed to work very well. We both think he is trying to get grounded to avoid peer pressure situations with alcohol and drugs but he refuses to open up as we ask him and try to engage him in ANY normal conversations. Know you say if something is not working try something different.

>>>>>>>>>> Don’t believe it when your son seems unaffected by discipline. Children often pretend discipline doesn’t bother them. Continue to be persistent with your planned discipline, and consider yourself successful by keeping your parenting plan in place. When children pretend a discipline doesn’t bother them, parents often give up on a discipline, which reinforces the child’s disobedience. Remember, you can only control your actions, not your children’s re-actions.

P.S. Parents must have a ‘zero-tolerance policy’ for children’s use of physical altercations to get their way (i.e., pushing, shoving, smacking. hitting, spitting, etc.).

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Behavior Problems to Put in the "Deal-With-It-Later" File

"Mark, What do I do when I’ve issued the 3-day-discipline (e.g., for violating curfew), but then my son creates a new problem before completing the discipline (e.g., calls me a bitch, then breaks a plate by throwing it in the sink too hard)? Do I start the 3 days over even though the “broken plate episode” is unrelated to the curfew violation, or does this new problem get a different consequence?"

---------------------

You only restart the 3-day-discipline if the original crime is re-committed (in this case, if your son violates curfew again).

When parents issue a 3-day-discipline, it is very common for kids to introduce additional behavioral problems (temper tantrums, threats, etc.) as a way to (a) get the parent side-tracked from the original consequence and (b) get the focus off of them and onto the parent’s anger.

If the parent falls for this, she ends up issuing additional consequences on top of existing consequences …restrictions against the kid begin to pile up …and before long, the kid is grounded for 3 months with no privileges …and both the parent and the kid have forgotten what the original problem was.

Don’t let this happen to you. Do not let your son get you distracted from the original problem and the associated consequence for that problem. Here’s how you do this:

If your son commits another crime (figuratively speaking) during a 3-day-discipline, put this new crime in the “Deal-With-It-Later” file. You literally write the problem down on a piece of paper (e.g., ‘son called me a bad name and broke a plate’) and put this note-to-yourself somewhere where you can find it after the original 3-day-discipline is completed.

After the original 3-day-discipline is completed, you then confront your son regarding the second problem he introduced by saying, “Just for your information, in the future, if you choose to ____________ (in this case, “call me a bitch and break my dishes”), then you’ll choose the consequence which is ________________ (here you just follow the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” in the Anger Management Chapter of the Online Version of the eBook).

So, does your son get “off the hook” for calling you a name and breaking a plate? In a way, yes …but only for the time being. He will have to answer to you if the name-calling and plate-breaking occur again in the future.

Pick your battles carefully – but perhaps more importantly, pick them one-at-a-time. Do not try to fight 14 battles at once. You’ll just blow a blood vessel in your brain …and your kid will be successful at getting you to chase your tail.

Use your “Deal-With-It-Later” file frequently. You’ll save yourself a lot of time and energy that would otherwise be spent in chronic power struggles.

Q: How do you eat an elephant?

A: One bite at a time.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


----------

P.S. Speaking of mistakes you don’t want to make—

I sometimes get emails like this:

“O.K. I purchased and read your eBook today. Now …I have the following problems with my teenager...”

Then the parent goes on to list about 6 – 10 problems that she is facing currently.

This is a mistake. DO NOT read the entire eBook in one sitting and then attempt to implement all the recommended parenting strategies at once.

When I conduct my parent group live (the same thing you have online), we take 4 weeks to digest the material – one session a week, each session lasting about 90 minutes. You should do the same. Your agenda will look like this:

Week #1: Read/listen to session #1 and implement session #1 assignments.

Week #2: Read/listen to session #2 and implement session #2 assignments.

Week #3: Read/listen to session #3 and implement session #3 assignments.

Week #4: Read/listen to session #4 and implement session #4 assignments.

Otherwise, you’ll be biting off much more than you can chew -- which will result in a “mac-daddy”case of parenting-heartburn.