You Are Not Your Teenager's "Buddy"

Mark …I have a simple question: I try to be my daughter’s friend, because her father is not involved at all in her life. Is this good or bad? Signed, Single Mom
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I regularly see a lot of evidence that today’s teens are trying to act older while today’s parents are trying to act younger. So you've got kids trying to be adults, and adults trying to be kids. It makes for a weird dynamic – and confuses the teenager as to who's the role model.

In those cases where the parent is a ‘buddy,’ the parent-child relationship tends to be a love-hate relationship.

I understand that the family unit itself has changed (e.g., more single parents, gay parents, parents who are dating, etc.). And I also know it’s hard for the single parent to be both a “friend” and a “disciplinarian.” But you have to pick one or the other – and your pick should be the one who employs “tough love.”

“Tough love” has 2 components though: (1) the tough part and (2) the nurturing part. It’s very possible to provide a steady diet of ‘tough’ and still have plenty of moments for ‘love’ (i.e., moments where you and your teenager are emotionally close, united and bonded).

In any event, you are not a buddy! She has other buddies, but she has only one parent – you. If she really needs an “adult” buddy, hook her up with an aunt, a Big Sister (from Big Brothers/Big Sisters Org.), or one of your trusted female adult friends.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Need more help with your troubled teen? We have many more strategies right here... 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter Refuses to Take Meds for Depression

"How do you get a teen to go back to the dr and stay on meds for depression? She is 18 and we went to the psychiatrist one time and she refuses to go back. He won't prescribe without seeing her again. All she does is cry and then tell me she hates me. I am her punching bag. I get called every name in the book. Her dad used to abuse her so I know she has baggage but I can't live this way anymore :(   ...I took away her car last night because she blew curfew by 3 hours. Then she tells me she won't be able to get to school. I almost made my life worse by punishing her!"

Unfortunately, you can't get her to take her meds! Do yourself a big favor and get out of the business of playing psychiatrist. The more you take responsibility for your daughter's mental health, the less responsibility she will take.

The problem is an ownership problem. Let go of ownership of your daughter's mental health. No more nagging about taking meds. No more asking her to make and keep a doctor’s appointment. This problem belongs to your daughter.

When you give up ownership, your daughter will have to make a choice - she'll have to decide if she will or will not accept ownership of her treatment for depression. And she'll lose the power of pushing your mental health buttons, to frustrate and worry you.

Out-of-control teens intentionally refuse to take their meds (for ADHD, Bipolar, depression, etc.) to push their parents’ buttons. Often parents are in a never-ending cycle of their teen’s sabotage. Since parents are continuously telling their kids how important it is to get to the doctor, to get on some form of medication, and take it regularly - their teens use this information to anger them.

The more parents try, the less out-of-control teens comply. When you take less responsibility for this issue, you put the ball back in her court.

Get rid of the fear that your daughter is going to end up killing herself due to depression. I’m not saying you should take ‘threats of suicide’ with a grain of salt however.

==> Is your teenager chronically angry, depressed, and moody? Then here are a bunch of parenting strategies to assist you, the parent...

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents