This morning I've discovered that our situation with our granddaughter is more troubled than my original thought of disrespect and disobedience….
Lying has increased to almost a way of daily life for her. I discovered a flask containing alcohol under her mattress and a notebook with entries outlining making out with boys, sneaking out, smoking and the fact that she hates my husband and myself.
She is nearly 14 and has lived with us for the past 8 years. Her parents divorced before she was a year with her Dad as custodian care taker. Once he remarried there was real trouble with step mother and step sisters. At age 5, she lived with her Mom & step-dad til she came to us at age 6…her mother is not in a position morally or financially to have her with her so we made the commitment to raise her. She has strong feelings of rejection from both parents which is only natural. She struggles with keeping more than one friend at a time.
My question is that upon discovering this evidence which confirms our suspicions, should we confront her with our findings? Should her absentee parents be contacted before we confront her? Should we be contacting some outside intervention for her as well?
Any advice you might offer would be appreciated. Our concern was not to 'corner' her into doing something drastic but to let her know that we know the truth and offer to help with solutions.
Let's take each of your questions in turn:
...upon discovering this evidence which confirms our suspicions, should we confront her with our findings?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Yes ...the strategy you may want to use to go about this is in the Online Version of the eBook: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a
Should her absentee parents be contacted before we confront her?
>>>>>>>>>> Not necessarily, but it might be the polite thing to do to keep them in the loop. Maybe wait until after you confront your granddaughter to update them. Also, I think it would be better NOT to invite the absentee parents to the confrontation.
Should we be contacting some outside intervention for her as well?
>>>>>>>>>>>>> Not yet.
1. Re: possession of alcohol: use the strategy in the link above
2. Re: lying: this is covered here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/lying
3. Re: sneaking out: refer to the section "What to do when you want something from your kid" in this chapter: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/am
4. Re: smoking: this is covered here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a
under this headline --"I'm pretty sure my daughter is smoking cigarettes. I hate the thought that she is doing this to herself, especially at such a young age. Any ideas?"
5. Re: hates my husband & myself: She doesn't hate you, rather she loves you but is angry with you -- and this anger (which is really about her parents) gets misdirected toward you. Thus be patient with her and let her have her anger -- she will not be talked out of it. (Notice I said "be patient" rather than "you should feel sorry for her and over-indulge her to compensate for the bad cards she has been dealt").
Keep me posted.
Here's to a better home environment,