"I know there are lots of changes going on and my daughter is going to react, but I need some support on another issue. She asked this morning if her friend could come over after school (chores had been done) so I said yes, but asked her to please call me and let me know if her friend was coming or not this afternoon (it was kinda up in the air awaiting approval from the other child's parents). My daughter called, as I requested, but left a vm on my work phone saying this: "Hi Mom, Mallory is coming over, I hate you, Goodbye." This for some reason annoys me to no end. I have no idea why, but I'm both infuriated and want to cry. Do I address it or not ... and if so, how?"
When your daughter says, “I hate you,” what she means is “I hate some of the things you say and do.”
Your daughter obviously knows that she can get a reaction out of you when she pushes your “I hate you” button (which is, in reality, a “rejection” button). Ignoring misbehavior is an over-rated parenting strategy, but in this case, I would totally ignore it.
As long as she knows you will react strongly to her sarcasm, she will continue to use it as a way to get your energy and intensity. If you ignore her sarcasm (i.e., “act as if” it doesn’t bother you), then she will no longer get any kind of “payoff” and will eventually stop saying these things.
If she were saying “F___ you”, or calling you a “B____”, or any other more inappropriate comments, that would need a consequence.
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