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Question:  I have a 14 year old son, and we always seem to be angry with each other. I try to be patient, but whatever I do seems to annoy him and vice versa. My husband takes a different approach than me, and this also causes conflict between us as he lets our son get away with bad behaviour by ignoring it. If our son is rude to me, he doesn't say anything, he just says that I should deal with it. What can I do? Click here for my response...

"This morning I've discovered that our situation with our granddaughter is more troubled than my original thought of disrespect and disobedience….Lying has increased to almost a way of daily life for her. I discovered a flask containing alcohol under her mattress and a notebook with entries outlining making out with boys, sneaking out, smoking and the fact that she hates my husband and myself. She is nearly 14 and has lived with us for the past 8 years. Her parents divorced before she was a year with her Dad as custodian care taker. Once he remarried there was real trouble with step mother and step sisters. At age 5, she lived with her Mom & step-dad til she came to us at age 6…her mother is not in a position morally or financially to have her with her so we made the commitment to raise her. She has strong feelings of rejection from both parents which is only natural. She struggles with keeping more than one friend at a time. My question is that upon discovering ...

Hello Mark, I know I have not been very diligent in corresponding. I will tell you ever since I made the statement to my son, "As a parent, I know I've made some mistakes in my parenting decisions. And I realize, as a parent, I have an obligation to you to make some changes." With that, I included: "...although I don't know what those changes are, completely, I can tell you that as they come up I will discuss them openly with you and we can come to agreements together, something we both can live with." I've completely stepped back from 'hounding' him about grades and his bedroom...both of which he has taken responsibility, for that I am so grateful! I said to him that I can't do it for him when it comes to school and that he is solely responsible for whether he wants to successfully graduate high school and move on to college. That said, it's been hard to take this back seat, but it's paying off and he's becomin...

I have a 15-year-old who is driving me crazy. He talks back. He is always fussing on the phone with his girlfriend. Its his way or no way, and I am going out of my mind. I sometimes wish he was at boarding school. My nerves are out of control. What will your program teach me, and why should I buy it? ________________________ Hi P., >>>>>>>>>> Why should you join my program? Because I have the best offer on the internet. If you don't believe me, try to find a better deal -- you won't! My website is ranked #1 in MSN and #2 in Yahoo for parenting out-of-control kids. When you download "My ODD Child" eBook, you will automatically become a member of Online Parent Support. As a member you will have access to the following: 1) Your online parent coach - me 2) The online version of "My ODD Child" eBook 3) The printable version of "My ODD Child" eBook 4) Over 3 hours of audio from the ODD seminar 5) 7 Power P...

Question: Do you have a tried and true discipline for a teenage daughter who is caught smoking? Answer: Sorry. You're not going to like my advice, but here goes: You will not be able to stop her from smoking. Pick your battles carefully - and this is not a battle you should fight. In fact, the more you worry about it or lecture her, the more she will smoke! In fact, she will enjoy turning this into a game (i.e., I'll play "sneaking a smoke without mom knowing"). But you can stop her from smoking on YOUR property. Here's what you can say to your daughter: "I can't keep you from damaging your health by smoking. But it's your health - not mine! However, I don't want you smoking in my house or anywhere on my property. If you choose to smoke on my property, you'll choose the consequence, which is grounding for 3 days without privileges (e.g., use of phone, T.V., computer, etc.)." If your daughter smokes on the ...

What if you haven't been the greatest role model for your kid in the past and are just starting out to become one? What can I do to help my kid not follow in my footsteps??! ______________________ Hi M., Simply think about what you say and how you act in front of your child. Your child learns social skills and how to deal with stress by listening to and watching you. Do not take part in illegal, unhealthy, or dangerous practices related to alcohol, tobacco, or illegal drugs or he may believe that, no matter what you say, these practices are OK. Perhaps most importantly, know that you are a good mother in spite of some bad choices you may have made in the past. The past is NOT the present, and no one should be held hostage by their past. Mark

My son is ADHD, but I don't like the idea of him being on strong medication for it. Is there any natural way to treat ADHD? _____________________ Hi A., There are many natural treatments for ADHD, but few of them have ever been compared to a placebo, so it is hard to know if they really work. The only natural treatments worth considering for ADHD are those based on increasing certain fatty acids in the brain. There are abnormalities in these fatty acids in the brains of people who have ADHD. Omega-3 fatty acids may work best. Sources of Omega-3 are fish, flax seed oil, and some greens. Of these three, fish oils may work best and are worth trying -- not because they work so well -- but because they have few side effects. But there's no hard evidence that they work at all. Sorry I don't have better news for you, Mark

My son is 6-years-old and was diagnosed with ODD last year. I am currently having a problem with him soiling his pants. I am at "whits end" ...don't know what to do. ______________________________ Hi J., Some of the reasons for soiling are: ---problems during toilet training ---physical disabilities, which make it hard for the child to clean him/herself ---physical condition (e.g., chronic constipation, Hirschprung's Disease) ---family or emotional problems Soiling which is NOT caused by a physical illness or disability is called encopresis . Children with encopresis may have other problems, such as short attention span, low frustration tolerance, hyperactivity and poor coordination. Occasionally, this problem with soiling starts with a stressful change in the child's life, such as the birth of a sibling, separation/divorce of parents, family problems, or a move to a new home or school. Encopresis is more common in ...

How do I deal with my child? He has all the symptoms of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). ------------------ Hi T., Actually it will take the whole eBook to answer this question adequately. But in brief, parents typically use the same parenting strategies with their ODD kid that they used with their other kids -- why not? They are basically all the same -- right? Wrong! Traditional kids respond well to traditional parenting strategies. However, ODD kids use traditional parenting strategies against the parent. Parents of ODD kids are in a never ending cycle of sabotage with their ODD kid. If you are in a power struggle with your ODD kid -- he's winning! In my eBook, I'm going to show you a set of "non-traditional" parenting strategies that will work -- and they will work almost immediately. If your situation is like that of the other parents I work with, things are not getting better -- they're getting worse. So please don't ...

Mark, My 12-year-old ODD daughter is at a school where groups of kids get dropped off at the mall to go to the movies, or just roam around, and then picked up by a parent a few hours later. My husband does not want her to be able to go and do this with friends, and I am unsure as to whether to let her do this. It seems that many parents are letting their kids do this, and in this day and age I'm not sure how safe/unsafe this is. My daughter feels very frustrated and "micromanaged" by her father and I, and is feeling that our over protectiveness is prohibiting her from having a normal social life with her friends. What do you think? B. ___________________ Great question B., As you may know from reading my eBook, “self-reliance” is key. So, whenever you and/or your husband are undecided about what to do, you should ask yourself the question: “Will the decision I’m about to make promote or inhibit the development of self-reliance.” If...

Tonight I have been reading in your e-book about discipline vs. punishment. Do you have any more material on both of these? As I understand your idea, if I give my son a consequence for his action and he does it anyway, I then enforce the stated consequence - that seems like punishment to me. What am I not understanding? Thanks, D. ______________ Great question D., --> Punishment is what parents do when they are angry with their child and want some form of revenge. --> Discipline is what parents do when they help their child learn to make better choices. --> Punishment is about parents trying to win a power struggle with their child. --> Discipline is refusing to engage in a power struggle by calmly issuing a consequence as a learning tool with no ulterior motives. --> Punishment is based on pride and ego. --> Discipline is based on love and caring. --> Punishment is NOT instructive. --> Discipline is instructive. ...

Mark- Thank you for your contact. I would like to run a couple of items by someone- here goes. D____ (16) has apparently had alcohol and drug problems since he was 12 - we only noticed when he was 14. He has come home high many times - he also went into a residential substance abuse program voluntarily for 6 months - completed, and was great at home for about 6 weeks - same friends, same problems came back. He got into some light trouble, crashed a motorized skateboard into a car (DUI), got a delay on license eligibility, went back to residential (court said to this time) for 45 days, administratively released without completion by residential as "dual diagnosis", and therefore not their type. He is now in contempt of court waiting for a court date. The residential part time Psychiatrist came up with the ODD - diagnosis during his second stay. Not that I deny it - I just want to verify it. His behaviors certainly match ODD, but I'd like a real evalua...

On Monday night when I got home from work, my 17-year-old son had broken my glass dining table top into pieces. He also burned papers in the kitchen. I called the police (of course), but they could only talk to him because he lives there. Here is the problem: I told him that I would not cook in the kitchen nor would I purchase food from outside until he cleans the kitchen. This is the third day and the kitchen has not been cleaned, as far as the glass and burnt paper. This morning when I got up, I noticed that he has punched another pane out of his bedroom window. What do I do? Do I continue to stick to my ground about not cooking or not purchasing food (McDonald's, Chili's, etc.), thus allowing him to feed himself? There is a lot of food in the kitchen that he can easily prepare. Thanks, T. ____________________ 1st -- Do you live in the states? If so, what state? You should go to your local Juvenile Probation Department and file a complaint. No one should ha...

"My 18 year old has finally got a job & is doing well, but we are experiencing terrible problems getting him up in the morning in order to get to work on time. He won't take any responsibility for this himself, but shouts abuse at us when we try to motivate him. What advice do you have?" Unfortunately, you can't motivate him! Do yourself a big favor and get out of the business of playing “alarm clock” – “waking up” is your son's job. The more you take responsibility for your son “waking up,” the less responsibility he will take. The problem is an ownership problem. Let go of ownership of your son’s employment. No more nagging him to get up. This problem belongs to your son. When you give up ownership, your son will have to make a choice - he'll have to decide if he will or will not accept ownership of his employment. And he'll lose the power of pushing your “employment buttons,” to frustrate and worry you. Out-of-control teens intenti...

I need some advice on how to handle my ODD 16-year-old son. He's out of contol! He's been in and out of the mental wards -- and the latest is he assulted me. _____________________ Hi J., He sounds like a handful, just like all the other oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) teens and pre-teens I work with. Just last night (Monday), two of the mothers in attendance at my 'ODD Seminar' were in tears regarding problems at home. It's the same story I hear again and again: "My son... ...calls me a "bitch" ...uses the "F" word in nearly every sentence ...comes home when he wants ...leaves when he wants ...is failing at school ...is about to get kicked out of school ...has no appreciation for anything I do for him ...has threatened me ...refuses to follow any rules or do any chores ...steals, lies ...and so on." Rather than work with parents, I used to just work with the ODD kids who had recently been discharged from pla...

Hi Mark, We have had a major improvement at home for now. My Hubby went on a work training course about managing change in the workplace, and one thing he learnt regarding change in the workplace was not to just say, "this is what’s happening, now go do it." He was told to keep in regular contact with his employees. This made him/us realise what we said to our 11-year-old: "Don't like your attitude, don't like your behaviour, change it." But that would be it, we wouldn't do anything or say anything else -- then 3 weeks later we'd be saying the same thing. It was like a big circle that NEVER changed. So for the last 3 weeks we have been having a nightly meeting with our son. We bring a talking object (only the holder of the object may speak, and we put Josh in charge of what it was to be, so it changes daily), and we discuss the day. We have found this has had a huge impact with Joshua. He likes attention. So our meetings are when our littl...

Mark, I am still working on instilling assignment 1 into myself. I have caught myself many times arguing with my kids, but quickly caught myself. My fiancé (to be honest) is not the support network I was hoping for. We live together, and he is here with the kids while I am at work and he hasn't even picked up the your book that I printed out. I am unsure as to what to do. I have only really begun this today. I had to read it between working full time, a 19-month-old baby, 3 teenage boys, and a teenage daughter that isn't living at home any longer. I guess I am behind schedule. I apologize. I kept waiting for my fiancé to take the time to go over it with me. I wanted to make sure I could count on his support. I don't believe that I can count on him to support me or even take this new approach seriously. Can I make this work even though he is still living here and not taking this too seriously? C. _______________ Hi C., There have been instances where my wife...

"My son feels offended because I went to the school and got a drug test to be performed on him. What I can do to ease the hate he now feels toward me? How can I make him talk to me again without giving him the edge?" I don't think your son hates you. He probably doesn't like you, though. Sit down with your son and have the following conversation: Tell him that you love him so much that you are not willing to stand by and watch him make poor choices and engage in self-destructive behaviors that will hurt him -- and his family. This is why you are using "tough love." You're not out to make his life miserable, you are trying to help him grow. If you didn't love or care for him, you wouldn't bother with him. Resist your impulse to strive and struggle for your son's acceptance. Don't strain to get him to "like" you as you begin to set some limits with his behavior. Instead, enjoy the process of the good parenting yo...

Mark, Thanks for your concern. Well I have started reading the ebook, but have not yet completed. I thought I should first complete reading before implementing. I think its an excellent book and am looking forward to seriously using the advise given there. I just wanted a little clarity with respect to my case. Please bear with me. I have only one adopted child (adopted from the day she was born) who just turned thirteen. Since childhood we have found her to be a very difficult child. Though we have not got her diagnosed clinically as an ODD child, from what I have read in the past and also from your book she conforms to at least 90% of the criteria given for ODD. Since she had always been very hyper, impulsive, lacked concentration, easily distracted and used abusive language, I had her locally (in Pakistan) assessed when she was 8 and was told she is not ADHD just a high spirited child and needed a behavioural therapy program. In order to confirm this I had taken her to a ps...

Hi, some good news. The other night I had a really good chat with my son and went over the dependency cycle with him -- and also got him to tick which of the statements of behaviour was his, and which was the parents. He was very honest and laughed when we came to the parent’s bit on saying “no” to kids. When I asked him why he was laughing, he said, “Because it sounded just like his dad.” I have spoken to his dad and told him this and printed off some information for him including the dependency cycle. I have had a quick look at it with him, and he has said he will read it, but he wasn't sure if he could totally follow your program as he does find it so hard saying no. But he has said we can go over it together and adapt to what he thinks he can manage and take it from there -- small steps at a time. So I am making some progress. Kind regards, A. J. _______________ More information on the Dependency Cycle: www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Mark, Thank you for your help and for being available. We have not yet implemented anything but have read most of session 1. David does like to bully his brothers and I guess everyone he can when he gets angry or wants and outcome to be a certain way. Last night my son David asked me if he could go camping with his friend and his friend's father this weekend. He was doing better in school [before the virus came along and the schools closed]. I do see his efforts and don't want to discourage any positive even if it isn't what I would like to see completely. However, I was going to let him go and then in an argument that he swears he didn't start he pushed his younger brother in anger. This is not a new problem and we have handled it with appropriate consequences. David's stepfather told him immediately that he wasn't going on this trip. I am not sure that is the right thing to do because we haven't really prepared him or any of our children for thi...

Mark, My son starts fires. He recently decided to catch playing cards on fire and throw them under his bed. We could have had our house burnt to the ground. My husband wants to take him to a burn unit to show him what kind of damage can happen to the skin when burned. Does this sound like a good idea or not? ____________________ Not! Remember that defiant kids enjoy intensity. So a trip to the burn unit will not intimidate him, rather it will intrigue him. Often times parents will attempt to "scare" their children into behaving properly. For example, parents may want their child to: -- take a tour of juvenile detention -- take a tour of adult jail or prison -- go through the "scared straight" program (where kids go to an adult prison and get yelled at by a bunch of incarcerated convicts) -- go to the local morgue to view the deceased, mangled body of someone who was not wearing his seat belt or who drove drunk These are examples of "traditiona...

One of the members of Online Parent Support recently told me that her ex-husband is not on the same page with her regarding discipline. Sometimes he cooperates with her, other times he does his own thing -- which undermines her. Her oldest son lives with his father, but visits her a couple times a week. The son does not like visiting mom, because mom has rules and dad does not (not many anyway). So here was my response: ---------- Good to hear from you A., I think I detect a bit of cooperation from your ex, although he does not like to be the "bad guy" and does not like to be put in the middle (i.e., between you and your son). If you haven't already done so, please give you ex a copy of the ebook. Is he open to trying a few new things? If he will get on the same page with you, the two of you will have tremendous success with your eldest son. However, if your husband "does his own thing" as far as discipline (or lack thereof), then we...