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Question My 17-year-old teenager is bigger and stronger than I am. He has threatened me physically on numerous occasions. I’m afraid to say or do anything wrong for fear of setting him off. What should I do? Answer There are times when your authority as a mother or father isn’t enough. If your teen has escalated to the point of physical abuse and destruction of property, or if he is engaging in dangerous behavior outside of the home, then calling the cops is definitely an option worth considering. You shouldn’t have to live in fear of your youngster, but you should be worried about how he will manage as an adult if he’s allowed to be “out of control” now. Do school officials allow your teen to assault teachers or other students, punch holes in the wall, speak in a verbally abusive way to others, etc.? Of course not! In fact, the schools usually call the cops if a teenager assaults someone, uses drugs or is destructive. School officials take action because they underst...

Teenage anger takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of teen anger -- the behavior -- that we as parents see. Some teenagers may repress their anger and withdraw while others may be more defiant and destroy property. In this post, we will look at what happens when “normal” teenage anger turns into resentment and aggression. Why such resentment and aggression in my child? 1. It’s important to make a distinction between resentment and aggression. When you’re resentful, you feel as if you’ve been wronged; you want to get back at someone. Aggression is about striking back, but resentment is more a sense of defensiveness and waiting for an attack. In other words, resentment is the attitude, and aggression is the action. So the attitude is, “I hate that you try to control me.” Aggression is the behavior you get. 2. Moms and dads may feel some “hatred” coming from their defiant teen, and they often overreact ...

"My son did so good in the 6th grade, but now in middle school, he can barely bring home anything better than a C. Any suggestions?!" Sound familiar? When your youngster brings home that report card showing grades that are less than great (and maybe downright pitiful), sometimes it's difficult to know what to do. Do you act like it doesn't matter, have a long discussion with your son or daughter about the importance of grades, or automatically discipline them for having bad grades? While all of these may seem to be tempting options, it's important that you actually work with your children to help them start improving their grades. If your child’s grades seem to be going down the toilet, here are 25 things you can do to “save the day”: 1. Bad grades can be a result of a variety of problems. So, the first thing to do is take stock of why you child is not getting the grades you think he/she should. Is it just because he/she is lazy or is there ano...

When you stop participating in an argument, you send your adolescent the message that you’re in control. Though she isn’t consciously aware of this, she feels the power shift from her to you. So if she can pull you back into the argument, she can regain that control she lost. When you walk away, you “win”—but your teenager doesn’t want that to happen, so she will try almost anything to keep it going (e.g., call you names, throw things, punch a hole in the wall, slam a door, etc.). If your teen can do something that gets you to react, she feels much better, and in many cases, she knows that if she pushes all the right buttons, you just might “give in” to get relief from the torture. How can parents break this cycle? Tips to channel conflict in a positive direction: 1. If the argument is over the phone or via text message, tell your adolescent that you’re done with the discussion and you will not reply anymore. Then, follow through. Turn the phone off, or unplug it if it...

Most moms and dads find it difficult to tolerate an adolescent who simply refuses to “try.” His refusal to do homework is often an indirect way of expressing anger and confusion. Under-achievement in teens can be caused by many things: Peer pressure, especially among adolescents: “If I do too well, my friends won't like me.” Overly high parental expectations. The father may be a doctor, but Michael may want to play in a rock band right now, and if the academic pressure is too strong, Michael may rebel. Mild learning disabilities or an unrecognized physical problem such as a vision or hearing difficulty. Emotional upset. The adolescent who has experienced a death in the family or whose parents are going through a divorce is very likely to go through a period of under-achievement. Under-achievement allows teens to postpone the responsibility associated with independence and thereby postpone independence itself. Here are some of the traits of under-achievers: Academi...

“Passive-aggression” is just that: aggression (i.e., anger) that is passive (i.e., hidden). If children are taught to suppress and deny their feelings, they will seek out ways of getting around that. They will find other channels to express themselves – ways that are “passively resistant.” This is how sabotage (e.g., covert behavior, forgetting, ambiguity, chaos creation, etc.) and retaliation (e.g., overt punishment, eye for an eye, “justified” abandonment or abuse, etc.) are learned. Most children have passive-aggressive tendencies, and can continue to live this way if moms and dads don't help curb this behavior. What comes with the territory? Children with passive-aggressive tendencies are usually unaware that their difficulties at home and school are a result of their own behaviors.  Passive-aggressive children are resistant to demands for adequate performance both in social circumstances and in the classroom.  Rather than take responsibility for their own...

Dropping out of school has become a serious problem for many teenagers today. Your son or daughter may think of dropping out for various reasons. If your teenager drops out, he/she is likely to be under-employed -- or unemployed -- in the future. Here are some helpful pointers to prevent your adolescent from dropping out before it is too late: 1. Concentrate on your teen's goals instead of focusing on why he/she is unsuccessful in school. Have your teen (a) identify goals, (b) develop a list of school, home, and personal barriers to reaching those goals, and (c) devise strategies to overcome the barriers. 2. Consider alternative school settings. Options include magnet schools, alternative schools, charter schools, work-based learning programs, career academies, and general educational development (GED) programs. Include your adolescent in all discussions with school personnel. 3. Encourage your adolescent to seek out extracurricular activities or employment to ...

A good portion of your daughter’s behavior during adolescence is part of a normal developmental process called “separation and individuation.”  A teenager’s need to identify with her peer group starts to take precedence over her sense of identification with parents and family. This usually concludes with complete separation and independence by age 18 or 20. You can make your daughter’s transition to adulthood smoother and more navigable if you keep the following suggestions in mind: 1. Though easier said than done, parents need to reassess their own motives. For example: Are you afraid of letting go and seeing her make mistakes on her own? Do you have a hidden emotional need that you’re expecting her to fulfill? Is it possible that you have selfish motives for wanting your daughter to stay close to you? If so, you need to realize that these are your problems, not hers. ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents 2. Find a way to embrace and affirm the shi...

Many moms and dads describe interactions with their children in which they promised all kinds of special privileges in exchange for good behavior.  Moms and dads end up feeling as though they are desperately bribing their kids to comply, and their children can come to expect something extra for simply doing a couple daily chores, which can in turn lead to a huge “sense of entitlement.” So, what’s the difference between a reward and a bribe, and which one is better? Rewards celebrate positive behavior. A promised treat for going beyond expectations or a surprise for excellent behavior is a reward. It should never become common, or your youngster will discover that withholding the positive behavior will generate promises of larger rewards. The goal is to reinforce the good to encourage positive behaviors even when there is no likelihood for reward. Rewards are positive responses to positive behavior to motivate future good behavior. ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for...