ONLINE PARENTING COACH

The best way to diagnose a behavioral problem in a young defiant child (ages 3 to 6) is by consistent observation over several weeks – or even months. By observing your defiant youngster over a lengthy period of time, it becomes easier to identify patterns of behavior, and therefore discern potential triggers for problem behaviors. Observing and recording your youngster's problematic behavior can provide clues about his or her strengths and weaknesses, and help you gain valuable information about how your youngster thinks, feels, learns and reacts in a variety of situations and environments.  Here’s how to conduct an investigation: Develop some investigation questions. What are you trying to discover about your youngster? Write down some questions that you hope to answer through observation (e.g., "Why does my son get very angry, agitated, and sometimes physically aggressive when playing board games with his siblings?"). Divide a piece of paper into 3 section...

"Discipline” means to teach, and positive discipline helps teens learn to effectively solve problems and manage conflicts. A parent who is angry with the child should calm down before deciding a consequence, and if applicable, should consult with the other parent before doing so. Parents should regularly discuss the effectiveness of consequences for the specific child, and should always support each other in the positive discipline process of their defiant teens.   CLICK HERE for the full article...

Some behaviors of defiant teenagers are bids for attention, while others are expressions of frustration at not feeling understood. Moms and dads will be able to reduce problem behaviors when the adolescent feels genuinely cared about, understood, and paid attention to. The best way to accomplish this is through “active listening” – a simple, yet highly under-rated parenting strategy. Active listening is hard work, and takes energy and practice. This is why most parents don’t do it (a BIG parenting mistake!). It can’t be done when thinking about - or attending to - other things, or when distractions occur. Active listening doesn’t have to last a long time, but attention must be focused completely on the adolescent, and the message must be communicated back to the adolescent in the parent’s own words in a way that lets the adolescent know he or she was really heard. Tone of voice, respect for personal space, facial expressions, eye contact, choices of words, and body language are ...

Researchers have known for a long time that the use of positive reinforcement for appropriate behaviors is a key element in effective interventions for defiant behavior in kids and teens. If the majority of parent-child interactions are focused around correcting misbehavior, a cycle of negative interactions is created where the youngster expects attention after misbehaving. On the other hand, positive reinforcement not only builds a youngster's self-esteem, but also serves to strengthen the parent-child bond. To accomplish this, positive reinforcement should occur immediately after the youngster has exhibited an appropriate behavior. There are many different types of reinforcers that can be used to increase desired behaviors, but the type of reinforcer used depends on the child’s personality, age, and the particular circumstance (e.g., while tokens might be very effective reinforcement for a 6-year-old child, they are not going to have the same effect with a teenager): T...

You made the wrong comment, asked the wrong question, or said something you weren't supposed to. The response you get says it all: the cold shoulder! A teenager may use the cold shoulder as a way to shut her parents out, to get them to leave her alone, and to push her parents’ buttons. What most moms and dads don’t realize is that under the surface, something else is going on: the cold shoulder is giving your youngster a feeling of control over you. The cold shoulder (also referred to as “the silent treatment”) is a common punishment used by teens. It is manifested by a child who completely ignores his parents, going through his typical day as if his parents were invisible or absent, even if the parents are standing right in front of him or talking to him. What parents need to understand is that the cold shoulder is frequently utilized as a lever to gain control in the power struggles of the parent-child relationship – and it works because most parents react in a way that ...

Parental stress can often cause changes in parenting behavior, for example: being more reactive and less proactive, decreased monitoring and/or supervision, engaging in increasingly harsh disciplinary behaviors, inconsistency, increased negative communication, and setting vague rules or limits on behavior. In this post, we’re going to look at “how to be a bad parent.” Bad Parenting Style #1: The Dictator— Dictatorial parenting is characterized by high expectations of compliance to rules and directions, while allowing little open dialogue between parent and youngster. Dictatorial parenting is a punitive parenting style in which moms and dads make their kids follow their directions and respect their effort. Dictatorial moms and dads expect much of their youngster, but generally do not explain the reasoning for the rules. The "dictator" is less receptive to his youngster’s needs, and is more likely to ground his youngster rather than discuss the problem.  Dic...

Do you hear from other moms and dads, educators, or other kids that your youngster disrupts activities and deliberately annoys others? It can be a tough pill to swallow, but the best solution is to help your youngster develop better social skills. When someone says your youngster is intentionally bothering others, it’s common for parents to feel defensive or even angry. However, once you’re done reacting, step back and work on ways to help your youngster correct his/her behavior and improve social skills . Here are some tips to help your child stop his or her annoying behaviors: 1. When your youngster frequently annoys other children or grown-ups, it can be a frustrating, puzzling circumstance. Some kids do it for attention, while others aren’t aware that they are being a pest. As a mother or father, you may not have all the answers, and that’s OK. Reach out to your youngster’s educators and guidance counselor. In some cases, your youngster may benefit from an evaluation wi...

Doing chores is a tradition in most families. Chores help children learn responsibility. We all need to feel needed and to know that we're making a contribution – especially children! So how do you get your children on board?   Here are a few tips: 1. Be precise with instructions. “Clean your room” is vague and can be interpreted in any number of ways. Instead, be specific by saying something like, “Put your clean clothes in the dresser, dirty clothes in the hamper, games in the closet, and dirty dishes in the kitchen sink.” 2. Be consistent. If your children aren't expected to regularly follow through, they might start putting a chore off in the hope that someone else will do it for them. 3. Praise, praise, and praise. Get that praise up and running right away! Don't wait until the chore is done. Praise and encourage the youngster while the chore is in progress. You want to build positive momentum, especially with younger children. 4. Start giving ch...

Anger in teens takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of anger (i.e., the behavior) that parents see. Some adolescents may repress their anger and withdraw, while others may be more defiant and destroy property. Anger is an emotion – not a behavior, and it is usually caused by something going on in the adolescent's life. Treating uncontrollable anger in teens generally involves several types of psychotherapy and training for your teen – as well as for you. Treatment often lasts several months or longer. If your son or daughter has co-existing conditions (e.g., ADHD), medications may help significantly improve symptoms. However, medications alone generally aren't used for anger-related issues unless another disorder co-exists. Here are 17 crucial tips for dealing with uncontrollable anger in your teenager: 1. At first, your teen probably won't be cooperative or appreciate your changed response to...

Research suggests that over 50% of moms and dads fight with their teenagers every night over homework, and over 70% of teens regularly refuse to do their homework. Guess who’s winning this war? You guessed it! If you’re like most moms and dads, you feel overly-responsible for getting your teenagers to take education seriously, and you get worried and angry when they refuse to do their homework. This can easily turn into a power struggle if you feel this is a “war” you have to “win.” It’s very easy to react to your own anxiety about this dilemma rather than acting in a well-planned way that will get your youngster where he or she needs to be academically. Below are 30 strategies (some of which may be controversial) for parents who want to “influence” (rather than “control”) their defiant teenagers to do their homework. Some of these techniques will work – some won’t. But pick a few that seem relevant and give them a try. You can always come up with “Plan B” if “Plan A” isn’t wo...

When families "blend" to create step-families, things rarely progress effortlessly. Some kids may resist changes, while moms and dads can become perturbed when the new family doesn't function like their previous family. While changes to family structure require “adjustment time” for everyone involved, the following tips will help blended families work out their growing pains and live together successfully: 1. Address conflict positively. In other words, view each "trouble spot" as an opportunity to learn and grow together. "Conflict" is a good thing when it is used constructively ...don't view it as something that "shouldn't happen." 2. Agree with your new spouse how you intend to parent together, and then make any necessary adjustments to your parenting styles “before” you remarry. It’ll make for a smoother transition, and your children won’t become angry at your new partner for initiating changes. 3. All siblings have con...

Most parents hate having arguments with their defiant teenagers. Arguing is exhausting and time-consuming, especially after a hectic day at work. Are you wondering how to stop it? Follow these tips, and they will help you: 1. The first thing to do is to listen to EVERYTHING your teen has to say. Don’t interrupt, even if she is going on and on. Let her finish, and while she is speaking, make eye contact and let her know you hear her. It’s amazing that even after a long, drawn-out argument, neither person feels really heard, so listen intently. This is the first step to ending arguments before they grow into something unmanageable. 2. As often as possible, try to avoid topics about which you know your teen is passionate about. If you know which buttons to push to get her started, don't push them. 3. Empathize with your teen while she is venting. Say something like, “I’m sorry that things are this way, but hopefully we can settle it once we’ve both calmed down.” Being e...