I'll commit suicide if I don't get my way... I swear I will.

 

Hi Mark,

I downloaded your e-book last night, read the whole book and the first week's part twice, and I'm ready to implement these techniques.

Right now, I hope it's not too late, because my daughter and I are in a crisis situation. I desperately need the help you're offering via OPS!

Here's the situation (it's complicated). She just turned 15 year and, up until recently, she has been a good kid. She makes straight A's in school (and she takes gifted level and one AP class) except for math; however, I should have seen trouble coming when she became increasingly disrespectful and defiant - up till recently, her defiance has involved not going to bed when she should and refusing to get off the internet. She is sometimes up till 1 or 2 am, including on school nights.

It's hard to say what my toughest parenting challenge is. Between her suicide threats, defiance, and yelling and cursing and recent drinking and sexual activity I don't know what to do.

She has been threatening suicide. Yesterday in the car, she threatened to jump out in front of traffic because I told her I would not let her see her boyfriend without my direct supervision.

How this developed is that a senior asked her to the prom, and I made the mistake of letting her go (so far, she had not given me any reason to mistrust her; she had gone with him and a group to an amusement park and a baseball game and they returned on time). They were supposed to go to an after-prom (a school-sponsored, chaperoned event), but instead they went to a wild party where there was drinking, pot smoking, and sexual activity. This was the first time (as far as I know) that she was exposed to drinking (she said she did not smoke the pot, but admitted to drinking). When she did not come home by 7am (the after-prom ended at 5am) I called the police. (All I could think of was her dying of alcohol poisoning somewhere).

Now she says I "ruined her life" (the boyfriend ignored her until yesterday). She's blaming me because she says he is afraid because I could have pressed charges on him for carnal knowledge of a minor (he is 19).

She has done everything short of sexual intercourse with him. (At least she is being honest). I had made the mistake of letting her go to his house; supposedly the parents were present, but it seems that they provide little or no supervision. I've told her that if she continues to see him, it must be under my supervision. She can invite him over here (which she refuses to do), or she can meet him in a public place (I will drive her and pick her up. This boy drinks, and has a reckless driving conviction, so there are safety issues too). Am I being unreasonable?

She says I should not have called the police; I tell her that it was his and her choice to lie to me about where they were going and what they were doing. And she has to regain my trust.

She's grounded for two weeks (this is the last weekend of this grounding), and has announced that she is "through" with me and will go out whenever she wants to. She also says that I'm not her mother, and when she is 18 she will have nothing to do with me.

Another problem is that she is very one-sided - she is obsessed with joining the army right after high school (which I think would be a disaster; we've clashed about that constantly - I urge her to go to college first).

She met the boyfriend in JROTC. I did not want her to join, but made the mistake of going along with it, and I don't want her in that program next year, because it is through that class that she met these new "friends" who drink, drug, and have sex. She says that if I don't let her take it next year, she will fail all her classes. I'd like to forbid her from taking it.

Part of the problem is that I'm a single parent (the father is not in the picture at all) and we live with my mother, who can't stand the yelling and caves in to my daughter to buy a little temporary peace. For example, yesterday I wanted to take the computer away because she was on the internet until 1am, Grandma said "let her have it for an hour" and daughter would not get off the computer. And I want her to go to a 10-day summer pre-college program (she could earn 2 college credits, and I think a change of scene would do her a world of good). She says "I'm not going and you can't make me" and Grandma says not to force her.

Should I drop out of graduate school (I'm working part time), look for fulltime work, and get an apartment? Or could your techniques work even if there is an uncooperative adult in the house? I'm concerned because you mentioned that in the ebook, and this child is expert at driving mother and grandmother apart.

Right now, as I write this, daughter is crying, yelling, and screaming because I am refusing to let her see the boyfriend today. She's howling that she wants to go to foster care. And, as has become her custom, she is screaming that she hates me and that I destroyed her.

Grandma is saying to let her see the boyfriend today, but I am standing firm. Although coincidentally there was an article in yesterday's paper about an 18 year old who was charged with a felony for consensual carnal knowledge (not even sexual intercourse or oral sex) with a 14 year old, daughter does not understand that I could have chosen to press charges on the boyfriend but didn't. In this state, carnal knowledge of a 15 year old by a 18 year old is still a misdemeanor. I've told her that I won't press charges, but that I will do my utmost to prevent sexual activity when she is not physically or emotionally mature enough for it. And this is an infatuation, not a committed relationship. I've installed monitoring software, and found that she is planning to "finish what they started" with the boyfriend.

I don't want to condone sexual activity, or underage drinking, but Grandma says that in not letting her see him, I will drive her to suicide or run away. I respond that I am not forbidding the relationship, but imposing reasonable restrictions, and after prom night trust has to be (slowly) regained. She manipulates by yelling, knowing that Grandma will take her side to try to buy a little temporary peace, and then her demands escalate.

Next time she makes a suicide threat, should I call 911? She has been seeing a psychologist for an eating disorder (was anorexia, but she gained enough weight that she no longer meets the criteria) since October, but as her behavior has worsened, the therapy doesn't seem to be helping.

I look forward to any advice you have. It's at the point that I am seriously considering boarding school. She has a violent temper, sometimes throws herself on the floor and screams, has thrown things, and has shoved me when I tried to get her off the computer. I feel that I cannot handle this child. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

S.

 

 

 ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

 

 

Hi S.,

 

You’ve raised at least a dozen points here …I’m not sure where to start. My preference, per each email, is to go into depth on one or two topics rather than provide short responses to multiple problems, but we’ll have to do the later for now.

 

First of all, if you have only read the ebook -- and not listened to ALL the audio files – then you are missing at least 50% of the total information. So please be sure to listen as well as read.

 

Second, your daughter is spoiled rotten. She’s 15-years-old and acting like a 5-year-old. This doesn’t make her a bad kid, just a misguided one.

 

Re: refusing to get off the internet

What is she doing to EARN computer privileges? And how long are you withholding computer privileges when she violates a house rule?

 

Re: threatening suicide

This is pure manipulation. And everyone is falling for it. Should you keep an eye on her when she makes these threats? Of course! But you must also put on your ‘poker face’ and “act” as though you are not worried. Otherwise, she’ll continue to use suicide threats (a variation of a temper tantrum really) as a weapon to get her way.

 

Re: alcohol drinking / pot smoking

This is covered in the Emails From Exasperated Parents chapter of the eBook …so I won’t waste our time going over it again here.

 

Re: …This boy drinks, and has a reckless driving conviction, so there are safety issues too). Am I being unreasonable?

Absolutely NOT!

 

Re: joining the army right after high school

As you read in the eBook, self-reliance is key. In these situations, we as parents ask ourselves, “Will this [in this case, joining the Army] foster the development of self-reliance – or dependency?” It appears to me that you will be ‘fostering the development of self-reliance’ here.

 

Re: grandma not on the same page

Please don’t get upset with me here S. But, how old are YOU? And you’re still living at home?! These questions are rhetorical (i.e., questions to make a point rather than illicit an answer).

 

This doesn’t seem very self-reliant to me. Remember, this whole program is based on “self-reliance.” It will be very difficult for you to instill ‘self-reliance’ in your daughter while – at the same time -- you are ‘dependent’ on your mother.

 

Re: Should I drop out of graduate school (I'm working part time), look for fulltime work, and get an apartment? Or could your techniques work even if there is an uncooperative adult in the house? I'm concerned because you mentioned that in the ebook, and this child is expert at driving mother and grandmother apart.

I think for you to continue to live at home will be the “kiss of failure” on several fronts.

 

Re: Next time she makes a suicide threat, should I call 911?

Oh sure ...and have them bring the fire trucks too.

 

O.K. I’m being a smart-ass. But I want to make a point. The real answer in “NO, of course not.” Keep an eye on her following the threats, but do not provide any intensity during this temper tantrum.

 

Re: Counseling

As you are finding out, this is just another traditional parenting strategy that has little or no positive effect (too often it makes a bad problem worse).

 

Re: boarding school

Way to premature for that.

 

Here’s to a better home environment,

 

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

 ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Mom With a Grateful Attitude

Hi Mark,

I have to first of all let you know how much I'm blown away at not just what you do, but also because you are so attainable. To be able to E-mail you for help is one thing, but to be able to call you (I do better talking then e-mail about such important things from my heart) is so special, you are my hero, truly!!

I have, as a child, been through hell living in the south and west side of Chicago, just me and my mom, no brothers, sisters, or father. My mom is only 17 yrs older then me, and she was an alcoholic. I took care of her as a child ...lived in constant fear, by the grace of God I survived.

The thing is I see now all that Hell was a blessing, a sort of a necessary conditioning to be able to relate to the kids that come into my life, because they know I've been there, and because of that, they allow me in -- and I really listen. That was the purpose, I had to walk that road. The reason I'm telling you this is so you really understand me when I tell you YOU'RE MY HERO !!

From the bottom of my heart

Thank You

D.K.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

The "Art of Schmoozing"

>>>>>>>>> Hi T. I’ve commented below.

 

Mark, I think our 16 year old daughter is still playing mom and dad against each other when it comes to getting what she wants. C___ is still living with her dad. I have read your parenting strategies, and being her mother, I’ve been enacting the rules as best I can from a distance and I should say that I have seen some improvements in her. It’s difficult because I work 2 jobs, but I’ve managed to have dinner with her once a week, tell her I love her every night, encourage her by saying things like how I think she’s showing responsibility by doing her homework or how proud I am of her for this or that - for not lying today, for not skipping school, etc.

 

>>>>>>>>> This is so terribly important. This is a great of example of “catching your child in the act of NOT doing something wrong.” Most parents overlook this important ingredient to successful assertive-parenting.

 

I’m always asking her things about her day and giving her a chance to tell me what’s going on in her life. I think that’s very important. I advised her father to assign her chores, and I guess he’s done that, but I don’t think he’s assigned her an allowance because she still complains that she thinks she should be entitled to money if she asks for it. Instead, I think he gives her money which I know isn’t the way it should be done, but I can’t argue with him because that’s his house and we’re divorced. He and I don’t get along and he won’t get on the same page with me on parenting her so I’ve given up on trying. Instead, whenever he says something negative about her to think about – I just try to counter it with something positive to help show her that he’s not always right and he can make mistakes. I think it’s helped her become a better person recently. I think she’s begun to realize that parents can make mistakes, and I want to also thank you for that.

 

>>>>>>>>> Here you have demonstrated a great example of “picking you battles carefully” …you’ve realized that you cannot control your ex-husband’s parenting habits, and you are working around him rather than wasting time/energy trying to change him.

 

My concern, though, is whether or not the trust issue is going to be met. I’ve talked to C___ about the bond between us recently and how I said, ‘we need to mend this’. C___ says she wants to try and her father ALWAYS wants to give her the benefit of the doubt unless he sees or hears different where I’m always the suspicious one. It’s been a source of contention between her father and me. He is always ready to tell C___ that I don’t trust her and tear into our relationship.

 

>>>>>>>>> I regularly encourage parents to not believe anything their kid tells them (as in 0%) until it can be verified. Here’s why: You AND your ex-husband have been “punked” more than you’ll ever know (i.e., deceived, lied to, manipulated, etc.).

 

 ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

 

C___ has been a habitual liar with me so there is plenty of reason for distrust. But recently, after 4 months of being in her father’s care, she is now saying how she wants to turn over a new leaf and try to start off fresh. Me, I say, “Not so fast!” Her father says, “Sure, why not?”

All year this year, her grades have been nearly all F’s. But I took your advice and got out of the hand holding business. Instead, I said to C___ that if she would just bring home a completed weekly progress report (a written report from her teachers) - good or bad – she could go out that weekend.

 

>>>>>>>>>> You get another “A” for parenting, dear mom!

 

C___ has a job at McDonald’s and works every weekend so I wasn’t giving her but one night out with her friends. The other stipulation was she’d give a phone number from a “land” line to be reached, an address of the location she’s at, and a list of names of the people who would be with her. She agreed to everything. Her curfew, being she’s on probation, is 11 p.m., but Courtney wanted to stay overnight. That was the part I wasn’t sure about. Going out was all right, but I didn’t really think she had earned a privilege of staying out all night with her dishonesty, however, again this isn’t my home.

 

Her father said she’d have to finish all chores and I said she would have to do her homework before her departure, but I was still unsure if that was enough. Her progress report wasn’t that great, she actually could’ve brought home 2 books to study for upcoming tests next Tuesday that she had failing grades, but she didn’t, and her dad hadn’t said yes to her going out before she called me. So why was she calling me for this request? Because I was the one who had given her the progress report stipulation in the first place weeks ago?

 

Dad’s house should be dad’s rules, right? Wrong. He doesn’t enforce any rules and she knows it. Did he have a leg to stand on, now, by telling her no? What reason could he have given her by this time if he didn’t want her to go? She had out-smarted us both by getting me on the phone and trying to play my parenting skills against him. Do you see this? It happens all of the time. If I had tried to take a stand at this point and said she couldn’t go, he would have let her go just despite me. But what if he had wanted to do something with her that evening? Should he have said, “No you can’t go out because I have made plans to take you somewhere tonight with me…”? Then state a consequence if she rages? Does his plans become a priority over hers?

 

By the way, I should tell you that I do like your line, “I don’t want to argue.” It has worked for me when talking with both C___ and her father and it is a wonderful diffuser in fights as long as you can keep cool.

>>>>>>>>>> If I understand correctly, your ex-husband is not only on a different page than you -- he is actively working AGAINST you. Thus, it will be in YOUR best interest to ‘schmooze’ him. Let me explain (and this is all a ‘con job’ on your part):

• Objective of the schmooze: To get your ex on your team as much as possible.
• Goal of the schmooze: To diffuse your daughter’s ability to play one parent against the other.
• Method: Use some of the parenting strategies ON THE EX-HUSBAND (you’ve already been doing this with the “I’m not going to argue” line).

Thus, catch your husband in the act of ‘doing things right’ -- and catch him in the act of ‘not doing things wrong.’ Provide an appropriate quantity (not too much) of acknowledgment and praise (even though you will often get the impression that you are simply feeding him a line of ‘bullshit’). And give him the impression you are being authentic; convey that you really mean it. 

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

 

For example:

 

“I noticed that you didn’t allow C_____ to manipulate you when she told you ‘_______________________’. I appreciate you working with me on this.”

 

“Thanks for calling me back regarding ______________________. What’s your suggestion? I really need your help on this.”

 

Let me share an example of my recent schmooze. The following conversation was recorded and transcribed (I do this occasionally for training purposes for other therapists). This is a one-on-one session with a 15-year-old female client. She was very angry about many things (including being made to attend a brief counseling session with me).

 

====================================

 

Interview [23 minutes]

Transcription:

Therapist: What’s up?

Youth: -silence- [no eye contact; melancholic affect]

Therapist: [therapist begins quietly playing with his cell phone]

Youth: -silence-

Therapist: You look pissed. Who’s been hassling you?

Youth: [pause] Everybody.

Therapist: [pause] Who’s the worst?

Youth: My mom.

Therapist: She’s annoying?

Youth: Uh huh.

Therapist: [pause] She thinks you need counseling.

Youth: Yea, right!

Therapist: [long pause] I don’t think you need counseling. [pause] I just think you’re under a lot of stress.

Youth: -silence-

Therapist: How do you manage with all the stress you’re going through?

Youth: I don’t know.

Therapist: I don’t know how you get through life, but evidently you’re doing it.

Youth: [nods her head ‘yes’; begins to make eye contact]

Therapist: Got any tips for me? I’m having a stressful day myself.

Youth: Not really.

Therapist: [pause] Do you just tune people out when they get on your nerves?

Youth: Yea.

Therapist: Me too …but sometimes when I tune people out, they think I’m ignoring them and then they feel hurt.

Youth: -silence-

Therapist: [pause] You ever get mad at people just so they’ll leave you alone?

Youth: [nods her head ‘yes’]

Therapist: What’s the most annoying bullshit you have to put up with?

Youth: My mom telling me what to do. She doesn’t understand me, and she doesn’t know my friends. She trashes my friends, but she doesn’t even know them. It’s none of her business. It’s none of her business who I hang with.

Therapist: [pause] That’s one of those annoying things?

Youth: Uh huh!

Therapist: [pause] You know …you could have come in here today with an attitude …but you didn’t. You could have come in here and told me to ‘kiss off’ …but you didn’t. You could have refused to talk to me …but you talked anyway. That’s you being responsible. So, it’s not a question of whether you can or can’t be responsible – you ARE being responsible. So what can YOU do to take care of YOU? What can you do FOR YOU – not for the judge, the PO, your mom, or anybody else?

Youth: Finish school …take care of my dogs.

Therapist: You’ve got dogs?

Youth: Yea …Max and Casey.

Therapist: What kind are they?

Youth: Chihuahua puppies.

Therapist: Cool ...so you take good care of your dogs?

Youth: [nods head ‘yes’]

Therapist: [therapist asks a lot of questions about client’s dogs; client is very informative]

Therapist: [pause] Thanks for the tips on how to deal with annoying people. I need all the help I can get!

Youth: [nods head ‘yes’]

Therapist: [pause] Is there anything else we need to talk about?

Youth: [nods head ‘no’]

Therapist: I appreciate you making time for me today.

Youth: You’re welcome.

Therapist: Tell your mom she can call me if she needs to, O.K.?

Youth: O.K.

-END-

=================================

>>>>> So anyway, cultivate the “art of schmoozing” – not because your ex deserves it, but because your job will be far easier if he works WITH you instead of AGAINST you - even if it’s only 49% of the time. And it is very possible that you will get a significant level of cooperation if you schmooze just right.

 

Side note: One mother told me she would have the following thought right before she ‘put on the schmooze’ to her ex-husband: “I’m going to compliment the hell out of this bastard.”

 

Mark

 
==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

Depression Leads to Disrespect?

How do you deal with a kid that has been diagnosed with depression, they come home from school, something is clearly bothering them, they won't tell you what is going on, but then they are disrespectful and ugly to the parents. You know as parents that something else is going on, but at the same time can't allow complete disrespect.

```````````````````````````````````````

I would tell him/her exactly what you just wrote in this email:

"I know something is bothering you, and I know you don't want to talk about it. That's O.K. ...I still love you, but I can't allow you to _______________ [here describe exactly what his/her disrespect looks like to you] without any consequences."

...then simply use "The Art of Saying Yes" ..."The Art of Saying No" ...and the strategy "When You Want Something From Your Kid" ...all of which are outlined in the eBook.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Is She Bipolar?

Hello.

I have read some of the other e-mails from other parents going through similar problems that I am having with my daughter. I have to say it has helped me (along with this book) to cope a little more. Just to know that I am not alone and there is hope.

My story with my daughter began 5 days after I turned 19. I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I was not married and obviously she was not a planned pregnancy. Her dad and I were "together" but I wouldn't say it was what you'd call the ideal family. I was attending college and living with my sister. She was very helpful and her dad and I didn't get along very well so this was the best situation for her and I.

Like I said I was 19, a little selfish and very busy! I was going to school about 3/4 time and working nights as a waitress. When my daughter was old enough for preschool, I took a co-op job and continued with school. I finally (after 8 years in school) received my bachelor's degree and landed my first "real" job. This was full time with a great company. My daughter was then 7 years old and her dad and I were over. We had very rough years in there, living together off and on. There was some physical and mental abuse that went on and I believe a slight bit of neglect for her (sad to say). Me being busy with school, work and my social life. I did love my daughter and provided very well for her and worked hard FOR HER. I feel bad if I did neglect her feelings. I think I just thought she just knew that she was #1 with me, but I don’t' think I showed that all the time.

To move on now. My daughter was always somewhat "difficult". Now looking back I see that she would always seek out "negative" attention. I don’t think I dealt good with that then. When she would act out, I think my emotions escalated with her's until we were both arguing. When she was little this didn't seem like that big of a problem and we would just get through the hard days and things would be better tomorrow.

I met my husband shortly after graduating from college. I owned my own house at the time and it was just she and I. We dated for about a year and half, before getting engaged and decided to move in together. He lived in a city about 1/2 hour away from my house (which was the same city I worked in), so it made sense to live in his house and sell mine. He had full custody of his son, which was 4 at the time. We moved during the summer so that the school transition with my daughter was a little easier. She did see her dad on and off in during this time period (every other weekend type situation).

After we were married, things were ok. But like I said there was always problems with my daughter, acting out and seeking my "negative attention". Seems like she was never happy. She did not like doing things with my husband’s family (which were very accepting of both of us). I also believe that she felt like an outcast in her own home. I took her away from the city she grew up in, away from friends, and I took on a husband and a stepson, and she gained nothing and lost part of her mommy. Can you see the guilt I am trying to set up? I have a lot of it.

So now, she is 15 and angry as hell. My husband and I have made a good life for her, we moved into a bigger house (with her own bathroom), she is always provided for, she has everything all of her friends have, ipod, cell phone, tv etc………….. But she is always mad. Always making comments, complains about everything, even when we are on vacation. Seems like there is always something wrong or something to bitch about.

Her middle school years were a little rocky but she made it through with decent grades and very little trouble (not to say there was no trouble). She did not see her dad much through these years, mostly because she did not want to and he did not make her.

9th grade (this year) was the year it seeming to all fall apart. We have been in counseling off an on since she was 8 due to the problems I felt my daughter has been dealing with everything that has happened in her life. It is now May 9th, 2007 and there is 3 and 1/2 weeks of school left for her and looks like she may be a freshman again next year. To go over a little of the happenings in the past year:

Labor Day weekend, 2006: My husband and I went up north for ONE night, letting her stay with a friend. She broke into our house and had a party. There was destruction (minor) done to the house and things were stolen. We called the police and filed a report. We first thought someone broke in because she denied it all. But then later she admitted everything. She was grounded the whole 1st month of school. Her grades were actually good at this point. Then after getting ungrounded her grades started to plummet. She received several referrals for inappropriate behavior in the classroom and by mid year, she had failed two classes and was put on a behavior contract. During all of this she had been caught drinking several times, in a car accident with a drunk driver and being verbally and physically abusive with me when being punished. I called the cops on her one night for punching me in the arm (which her counselor advised us to do).

The beginning of the 3rd marking period seemed to start off good, she did not get any referrals for two months and grades were ok. The rages still continued at home when being punished or being told "no". She does not like the word ‘no’ AT ALL. She was caught in a car full of pot smoke and luckily only written a ticket for loitering since there was no evidence other than the smell. She was also getting more violent with me, leaving bumps and bruises on me, she even tried to pull the keys from my moving vehicle, and also did shove the car into park when I was moving. This is behavior I didn't understand nor knew how to deal with. I felt like an abused wife. I wouldn't tell anyone and would basically just let her get away with it. I felt like she didn't even care that she was hurting me. I know she did feel out of control and didn't like it. She knows it was wrong but couldn't help it.

After doing a lot of online research, I felt like she fit the criteria for bipolar disorder. It was scary to see all the similarities of this disorder with my daughter. I reluctantly requested if she could see a psychiatrist to be evaluated. In the interim waiting for the evaluation, she mouthed back to a substitute teacher, which put in with her last referral, this was it and she was kicked out of school, until we (her and I) met with the school board. During this time, she had another outburst in which I called the police. The policeman that came, really gave it to her good and lectured her for about an hour. He told her that he could take her to Juvi, she did not like that idea. By the end of the conversation with the cop, he basically told her that she was at the line in the sand, the last straw if there is a next time, she WILL be taken away. When the cop left, he still was not convinced she even gave a shit by her actions and facial expressions (defiance).

So getting to the end or I should say the present. We went to the psychiatrist, he suggested that she be put on two medications, a mood stabilizer (Amblify) and a medication for ADHD (Concerta). I did not see signs of ADHD before (or I guess thought about it), but the Dr. gave me some questionnaires to have her teachers fill out, and to my surprise she fell into a lot of the criteria that fit ADHD. And now thinking about I have always struggled with homework with her, staying focused. And now with her grades, it's like she just does not care. She is always saying "I forgot", even when she took the time to finish something, she would just not hand it in. Either she forgot that she had homework or a test to study for. She had completely disregarded the importance of school and her education.

Anyway, after hearing that you could not drink on the meds, she didn't want take them, and admitted that this was part of the reason. The Dr. did not give us the prescription. He said in order for the meds to work, she must understand and admit the need for them. And if she did drink on them, it may make things worse. We all decided to give it 2 months and see where things were and if things did not improve or got worse that she would go on the meds. She agreed with this. This was on May 1st. Since then, she seemed to be doing good, then we had an outburst about homework and I took away the computer, she yelled and screamed profanities, but did not destroy or hurt anything. She did punch the crap out of the couch thought, I guess is an improvement.

As you can tell and you may be feeling like me, I am in a state of very mixed emotions, frustrated, angry, guilty, depressed, denial, grieving over the loss of the child I thought my daughter would be. This is all very hard to deal with, not to mention my marriage is pretty much on hold for now, and that is if we make it though all of this. I am not sure how much more he can take, and I'm starting to totally agree that all this is not fair for him or his son.

I know all of this sounds like I am only telling the bad things about my daughter. She has a lot of good qualities in her too. She is a very strong-minded (which can be a good thing if used correctly). She is a good loyal friend to all of her friends. She is very respectful of herself (sex wise). She claims to still be a virgin and I (truly) do believe her. I do believe that she is proud of herself for that and that she wants a boy that will respect her. She is very fun loving and smart. She just needs to put a little effort forth. I don't know where her ambition went.

She no longer has a cell phone, and the CPU to our computer is in the trunk of my car. She is not taking drivers training this summer like all her friends. I just don't know what else to do!

I read your book on May 7th (two days ago). I used the technique in your book last night which kept the tantrum to a minimum, still not acceptable but it was a lower degree and lasted less time. I told her "no" to something and when she said why, I told her, then when she told me that was gay and not fair, I just said, "I am not going to argue with you". I said this repeatedly, just like you say to do. I made myself have the "poker face". After a little while she relented. I have to say, it was hard to do (not to get emotional), but I do see that it works and maybe that will make it easier in the future.

We are going back to see the counselor and she may be willing to try the meds. What do you think?

Thanks for listening and I hope that this will help anyone in a similar situation. I would love any advice or comments on my story. I'm starting not to feel so alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi R.,

First, thank you for sharing so deeply.

Re: She no longer has a cell phone, and the CPU to our computer is in the trunk of my car. She is not taking drivers training this summer like all her friends. I just don't know what else to do!

As you read, consequences should be short-term. Please review the Anger Management chapter in the Online Version of the eBook. Have you listened to ALL of the audio?


Re: We are going back to see the counselor and she may be willing to try the meds. What do you think?

If she is truly Bipolar, then meds are a “must have” …it will take her psychiatrist about one year of experimentation to get the right drug dosages and combinations.

Keep up the good work,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Mom Gets Punked - Again!

Mark,

Today is the last (4th) day of M___'s discipline.

>>>>>>>> 3 days works best.

No going out, no cell phone, no computer, only 15 minutes of supervised "land line" phone. He had Lacrosse practice after school today.

>>>>>>>> Is lacrosse a right or a privilege? I think it could go either way. It could be viewed as ‘part of school’ …but at the same time, it really is a privilege (I’m sure the coach would agree). Thus, you could warn him that the next time he abuses “lacrosse privileges” by staying longer at school for additional extracurricular activities that were not part of the original agenda – he will be grounded FROM lacrosse (no more than 3 days though).

He did call and inform me (from a friend's phone by the way) the team was to look at "game tapes" (they have never done this before) after practice today and then he would stay at school to watch the "powder puff" girls football game. I explained to him that he was still grounded until tomorrow and could not stay for it. He did acknowledge this. He then called later and said that the varsity coach wanted to talk to him and a few of the other jv players about moving them up to varsity for playoffs.

>>>>>>>>> You’ve just been punked – again.

(The powder puff game started at 7pm.) He called again at 8pm to pick him up. I HIGHLY suspect him going to the girl’s game (it was half-time when I picked him up) but can't prove it. I can e-mail the lacrosse coach but won't get an answer until tomorrow but he is supposed to have his phone back in the morning before I can verify. How do you handle a situation like this? Do I let him have his privileges back since I can't prove it? Please advise!!

>>>>>>>>>> I would simply issue the warning that I mentioned above.

He is also lately telling me he is not doing his homework, "forgot" his backpack in a friend's car today, and is getting 3 D's (he has had 2 A's, 3 B's and one C all year). He says as long as his ACT is good (not taken yet) he doesn't care and will still be accepted to a good college. I can easily ask his counselor for a progress report. I kept my poker face when he told me this--do I let the cards fall as they may or do I check this out?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I assume you read the eBook in its entirety. If so, then you know my recommendation on this. You can review it here.

Once again, thanks for the advice. I am trying very hard to follow your plan.

>>>>>>>>> You are doing a great job. Keep it up.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Pleased With The Prospects

[Re: Parent Support] "I'm very pleased with the prospects ...been through many suggested techniques ...this set shows the most promise thus far! I'm very impressed with Mark and how he makes himself & resources available." -- T.J.

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got.

How does going through the program change things as far as grades go? Your website mentioned how grade should improve by using this program. This is a particular issue in our house at this time because it is almost the end of another year with our daughter not applying herself to school. She is more than capable, but just doesn’t seem to try. She’ll constantly promise to do better, but it always turns out to be the same old same old. Obviously we have done the lecturing (“bitching”) thing in the past, but it does no good. And obviously when the bad grades come in we can’t just use the poker face and say “Oh” and act like it doesn’t matter. So how do we respond to the bad grades without appearing to lecture?

````````````````````

I guess you haven't gotten to the "Emails From Worried & Exasperated Parents" page yet ...located here ==> Click Here

Look for the email from the parent that reads:

"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.

This recommendation ONLY applies in those cases where:

(1) the child has a history of poor academic performance, AND

(2) poor academic performance has been an ongoing source of parent-child conflict in the home.

Parents who actually FOLLOW this recommendation find that their child's grades eventually come up. But unfortunately, most parents are not comfortable with this recommendation and therefore (a) do not follow it, (b) continue doing what they've always done to try to get their child's grades to improve, and (c) continue to see their child's grades go down.

You may be under the assumption that if you just try harder, issue stiffer consequences, set-up a better reward system, etc., then you will eventually "win the war" against your kids' bad grades. If so, let me ask, how's that been working for you. It might be much easier -- and less painful in the long run -- for you to go find a brick wall to beat your head against.

Click Here for the recommendation.

Mark

Short-term Mild Pain vs. Long-term Major Pain

Hi S. I’ve responded where you see these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>

Mr. Hutten,

Thank you for the excellent advice for assertive parenting. I like to think I employ a few of these techniques already, but definitely see room for improvement.

I have attempted to create an account so that I can join in chatroom discussions, but after entering the information and clicking "save", nothing happens. Any suggestions?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Just click on Sign Up …then type your email address, password x2, and a display name. If this doesn’t work for some reason, you can just click on “Chat Anonymously.”

Also, I have a question with regard to our 16 yr old. We have 4 boys ...two 10 yr olds, a 13 yr old, and a 16 yr old. So far, the younger ones have proven to be a piece of cake. The 16 yr old, however, has been a real challenge this year. He was hanging out with the wrong crowd and skipping school. We were trying to work on those issues (although, not in the most productive way, from what I've learned with
OPS).

In the process, we learned that he was using alcohol and marijuana (primarily in party or social settings). Last fall, he had an encounter with the law when he and his "pals" were caught loitering in the school parking lot and breaking/entering vehicles, stealing radios. Some of the other boys had multiple offenses and were given harsher punishment. Ours landed himself in the JDC for 21 days, missing
Thanksgiving, several community service hours, probation, expulsion from school, and placement in an alternative school for problematic teens.

He's threatened suicide, although, those appear to be more attention-seeking attempts. (We, of course, don't take the threats lightly but recognize them for what we believe them to be.) We've met with a mental-health counselor who felt we didn't have a problem that required therapy.

We tried removing him from the negative influences by moving him to a new school and letting him stay with his mother for a period of time (his choice). He came home with renewed promise to get back on track. It lasted for a short period but he's back to sneaking out, using marijuana, being verbally abusive and skipping school regularly (several classes or days per week). He's not made any effort to begin his community service and he's regularly defiant at home.

His world revolves around his girlfriend who is two years older. We've tried to control that situation as well, but it only induces more hostility so we try to encourage positive dating and family events including his date.

Needless to say, several of his acts violate his probation. His father is hurt, angry, and all those emotions you mentioned. I realize his need to take care of himself so that he's better prepared to take care of the problems with our son. We're working on that.

My question, is this...are we too late to employ these tactics?

>>>>>>>>>> No …BUT you MUST work WITH probation. Allow your son to make mistakes, then report these mistakes to his PO. This IS the learning process for him.

>>>>>>>>>> Here’s the formula:

(1) State the house rule and the consequence for breaking the house rule;
(2) Allow him to break the house rule – do not attempt to “save” him from breaking the rule;
(3) Follow through with the consequence – even if the consequence is reporting violations to his PO.

I realize, over time, there's significant hope for improvement, but being where we are right now, I don't know that we have that kind of time. We recognize that there's a very real potential for the judge to violate his probation anyway once his report card comes in, etc. Every time his father goes before the judge with him (monthly) he's torn on whether to be 100% truthful with the judge, which will automatically violate the probation...or to maintain that things are improving and continue working on the situation at home. Of course, no father wants to violate his son's probation and see him back in JDC.

>>>>>>>>>>> There should be no being “torn” – being “torn” and withholding information from the judge and PO is another form of over-indulgence, which IS the problem to start with.

He's emotionally drained and worried sick. With school nearly out and summer rapidly approaching, we (both working full time) are very concerned about the potential for more problems with even more free time on his hands.

>>>>>>>>>>> You will need to focus on taking care of yourselves in ways you wouldn’t have to if your son was not so intense.

I wish we had found your help earlier, and we're eager to employ the suggested parenting techniques, hoping for the best long-term outcome. In the interim, and with this judiciary issue pending, are we best to take this route and hope for the best or try to seek additional help from an outside resource with the hope of prompting more immediate change...and if, the latter would be your suggestion, where do we turn for that kind of assistance?

Your input is very much valued and your time appreciated. Thanks! S.B.

>>>>>>>>>>> If you’re referring to “counseling” – this is just another traditional parenting strategy that will have little or no positive outcome. You should allow him to experience uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices in the form of legal consequences – this is the ONLY way he will learn.

I would rather he experience some mild, short-term pain NOW rather than some major, long-term pain LATER in the form of adult prison. You do get my point, I’m sure.

Read the eBook – twice. Listen to ALL the audio in the Online Version of the eBook – twice. If you don’t have time to sit at your computer, get the CDs ==> CLICK HERE. And email me periodically over the next several months.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Creative Wife Gets Resistant Husband "On Board"

Mark,

I'm trying to implement the strategies in the eBook, but am getting NO support from my husband as he thinks my son should listen to him -- HAS to listen to him -- and I should severely punish him. I really have no one else to turn to at this point, and need some guidance.

`````````````

In those cases where the husband basically refuses to read any of the eBook and simply wants to keep parenting the way he always has, I would recommend doing what one creative member of Online Parent Support did.

She played the audio version of the eBook (on CD) in the car whenever she and her resistant husband drove somewhere together. He was a captive audience and either had to wear ear plugs or listen to the material (he reluctantly choose to listen). Sneaky, huh?

Did he immediately "jump on board"? No. But after listening to the CDs several times in the car alongside his wife, he did begin to adopt some of the really important ingredients that ultimately made mom's job much much easier.

Do yourself a BIG favor and get the CDs. They're only 17 bucks. If your husband refuses to listen to them -- or listens to them but does NOT find them helpful, simply send them back and I'll write you a check for a refund. You've got nothing to lose here.

==> ORDER THE CDs HERE

I've tried every form of punishment known to man...

{Email from brand new member of Online Parent Support:}

Mark,

Honestly my situation is in a hopeless state right now. I have 2 girls, E___, age 15, 10th grade and L___, age 15, 9th grade. I have full custody of E___ and she has lived with me for about 14 years. L___ is my stepdaughter from a 2-1/2 year marriage to my wife S___. E___ sees her real mom, D___, each week on Thurs and every other weekend. The relationship is currently good between D___ and S___ and myself. We try to work together for E___ as best we can.

I've always had issues with controlling E___'s attitude, anger and hostility towards me. I think I've tried every form of punishment known to man to no avail. One example of an episode occurred last night. I asked E___ to be off the computer by a certain time and gave her 10 min to do it. That time elapsed and she was still on. I went and asked again for her to get off and she huffed and said sternly, "OK, OK." I stood there waiting and noticed this was making her more agitated. I walked away for a minute or two and returned to see her still on Facebook. I then asked, "Why are you still on? I gave you plenty of notice..." She blurts out, "Aaaaggh, I'm getting OFF! Leave me alone." Keep in mind this was at the request of my wife, who wanted to get to bed earlier that night and the bed she sleeps on is in the same room as the computer. She had passed by and was aware of the conflict going on but did not join in.

E___ finally gets off, 15 min past the time I had asked her to. She storms off to her room. I asked her for her schedule book while she was on the way, as I needed it for some summer dates. She goes to her room upstairs and then flings it down the stairs. L___ is in the room and witnessed this. I had enough of this behavior and went up the stairs to talk with E___.

S___ is of the opinion that as long as I allow her to talk to me and act the way she does, it will continue. She thinks I need to be more strict. As I've mentioned before, talking, reasoning, punishment do not work, but yet I keep trying if only for S___'s approval. E___'s outbursts happen about every two weeks. She is rather moody most of the time.

I go in E___'s room and am immediately unwanted there. "GET OUT!!” she yells. I just wanted to calm her down and talk. She kept yelling and running around the room. " I DON"T WANT YOU IN HERE!!” I said, "Lower your voice, calm down and sit for a minute." "NO, GET OUT" The yelling and tantrum started. I said, "All right, the computer is off limits to you for two days." She yells, "GET OUT!" I say, "OK two weeks." This made things worse and I left.

E___ had just gotten off being grounded for about two months for a combination of poor grades, lying, breaking grounding rules, and talking back.

I go back downstairs and S___ and L___ are distraught, huddled up on our bed. I apologize for what had happened. L___ went to bed and S___ and I talked for a bit before she went to sleep. She doesn't have any hope of it getting any better. Her relationship with E___ is distant and this is not healthy. L___'s is the same. I don't think they are willing to go any further as far as trying to build that relationship.

We have been seeing a counselor as a group and individually for the past few months. He has been a great help, however S___ is becoming less willing to attend. He has requested only the two of us for upcoming sessions because he wants to try and start again building our commitment.

There are many other factors involved in this situation, but this is what I'm burdened with at the moment.

Thanks for any help you can give.

E.D.

```````````````````````````

Hi E.,

I think what I would like to do at this point (since you are just now starting to use the strategies outlined in the eBook) is to give you some time to digest the material. Most, if not all, of the problems you're currently experiencing will be covered in the eBook.

Be sure to listen to ALL the audio files as well. If you don't have time to sit at your computer to do this, you can get audio CDs and listen in your car ==> Audio CDs.

In a few weeks, please email me with some very specific questions, and we will tweak these strategies according to your specific parent-child problems.

Stay in touch,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

She is dealing with extreme aggression...

Hello Mark,

I want to thank you for your program. It has been very helpful. I work as Parent-Child Advocate in a Crisis Center here in _____, Texas and I am a new mother of a 10-month-old little girl.

Your book covers a multitude of topics and I trust that by putting the concepts into practice we will see significant improvements. Do you have any special suggestions for single moms who have been victims of domestic violence with 7 or more children who are also victims of domestic violence and are all very angry and out of control?

It is difficult for the moms to give each child individual attention, and they many times resort to "blanketed punishments" that also punish the children who are not acting out at the time... the child who acts up the most ends up getting the attention, and even if the mom tries to actively ignore the child(ren) who are acting out and continue paying attention to those who are not, the child's behavior escalates to the point of disrupting and hurting all of the other children and "punishing" those who are not acting out, and then those children also begin acting out, and so on.

Many times the child(ren)'s relationship with mom is very damaged because she has not been able to meet their needs because of her own problems... they do not trust her; they do not respect her... She wants to change and is seeking help but does not know where to start because she is dealing extreme aggression and she has so many to deal with.

Thanks again for everything. Your program is excellent!

J.S.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````


Hi J.,

You have multiple issues here …I wish I had time to address them all:

1. Mother is a victim of domestic violence
2. Children who are victims of domestic violence
3. Childhood anger management issues
4. Single mothers parenting a large family
5. Lack of parenting skills
6. Parent-child trust/bonding issues
7. Mother’s personal problems

Re: Do you have any special suggestions for single moms who have been victims of domestic violence with 7 or more children who are also victims of domestic violence and are all very angry and out of control?

Survivors of domestic violence recount stories of put-downs, public humiliation, name-calling, mind games and manipulations by the abuser. Psychological scars left by emotional and verbal abuse are often more difficult to recover from than physical injuries. They often have lasting effects even after the relationship has ended. The survivor’s self-esteem is trampled in the course of being told repeatedly that she is worthless, stupid, untrustworthy, ugly or despised.

The American Psychiatric Association has identified a specific type of mental distress common to survivors of trauma called posttraumatic stress disorder or PTSD. Common reactions to trauma include:

· Fear and anxiety — While normal responses to dangerous situations, fear and anxiety can become a permanent emotional state without professional help. Memories of the trauma can trigger intense anxiety and immobilize the survivor. Children may express their fears by becoming hyperactive, aggressive, develop phobias or revert to infantile behavior.

· Nightmares and flashbacks — Because the trauma is so shocking and different from normal everyday experiences, the mind cannot rid itself of unwanted and intrusive thoughts and images. Nightmares are especially common in children.

· Being in “danger mode” — Jitteriness, being easily startled or distracted, concentration problems, impatience and irritability are all common to being in a “heightened state of alert” and are part of one’s survival instinct. Children’s reactions tend to be expressed physically because they are less able to verbalize their feelings.

· Guilt, shame and blame — Survivors often blame themselves for allowing the abuse to occur and continue for as long as it did. Survivors feel guilty for allowing their children to be victimized. Sometimes others blame the survivors for allowing themselves to be victims. These emotions increase the survivor’s negative self-image and distrustful view of the world.

· Grief and depression — Feelings of loss, sadness and hopelessness are signs of depression. Crying spells, social withdrawal and suicidal thoughts are common when grieving over the loss and disappointment of a disastrous relationship.

To recover from domestic violence, the mother must stop blaming herself for what has happened, reconnect with people in order to build a support network, learn how to understand and express herself (with your help Jennifer), join a survivors’ support group (if you have one), and develop anger management skills so she does not repeat the cycle of abuse toward her children.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

How about a Big Sister?

My daughter has been on home detention/ISP for one month now and is going to continue for another/she was doing fairly well and cooperating, but now i think reality is setting in that she needs to drop old friends and will not be allowed back to school unless she passes the online charter school classes to the 9th grade-she has flunked 8th because of truancy and running away and got into a fight using a folding knife to pack her fist, it scratched the girl on the head.

We live 16 miles out of town so she is very secluded and coming around back to her old self (i have been using your book also, and it really works!) However i think we're moving into a depression issue over non-socialization out here …and her and i being together all the time, working on homework, chores, playing some games, exercising outdoors.

What could i look into out there, we do not belong to any church anymore as all the goody goodys and bullys seem to be there and the adults were only interested in building the new church and raising money all the time. That was when she was about 5 or 6. Thank you for your time.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````


In similar situations with my adolescent clients, I hook them up with a Big Brother or Big Sister. So, you may want to consider going to your nearest BB/BS Organization and see about procuring a mentor for your daughter

Research confirms what previously we had known only anecdotally or intuitively. That is, that mentoring works. A recent Research Brief found that youth who participate in mentoring relationships experience a number of positive benefits.

In terms of educational achievement, mentored youth have better attendance; a better chance of going on to higher education; and better attitudes towards school.

In terms of health and safety, mentoring appears to help prevent substance abuse and reduce some negative youth behaviors.

On the social and emotional development front, taking part in mentoring promotes positive social attitudes and relationships.

Mentored youth tend to trust their parents more and communicate better with them.

They also feel they get more emotional support from their friends than do youth who are not mentored.

Here are a few stats. Youth involved in the Big Brothers Big Sisters programs are:

· 46% less likely to use illegal drugs
· 27% less likely to begin using alcohol
· 52% less likely to skip school
· more confident of their performance in school
· one-third less likely to hit someone, and
· more trusting of their parents/guardians

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Daughter Problems

Grades started declining at the end of her 9th grade year. They got worse during her sophomore year. These 2 years she was always at practice a ballgame or home. We had no problems with her not doing what she should be doing.

We did constantly stay on her about her grades. She said she should not be in advances classes and that she felt stupid. She said it was just hard for her to understand. She told me not to put her into advanced classes since the 8th grade, however she was a straight ‘A’ student in middle school. She was a competitive gymnast and in the gym 20 hours a week and a straight A student.

She has always been difficult at home. She has always had meltdowns and I could tell you when she was going to have one and when just under the circumstances. They never happened at school. She has always just had one friend at a time. She is not a drama queen. She takes things very literally and if she is threatened, you had better follow through with the threat or it is all she wrote.

The angrier she got, she started skipping school. This was not until 11th grade. Around October she had a new friend that was trouble and I just stayed in contact with her mother and that soon ended. Her anger got worse and I threatened to call the police and she called them on herself. She had torn up the house, bitten her Dad, and pushed me numerous times. She was put in jail overnight and released to us on house arrest until her sentencing. Her chargers were perched and put into family court under a status offence. Her court conditions, were no violence, attend school, stay in counseling. While on house arrest she was not allowed to cheer. She quit.

In the mean time I had her evaluated by an outside source (this was in October or November) that said she had scotopic sensitivity and a learning disability. She was under evaluations at the high school for special education. After the night in jail she went to school for a week then has refused since. However the county school administration has been working with me on evaluations and Plato (computer school) and just whatever we think might work. They have not given her special education because they cannot get behavior evaluations because she will not attend school. I got her home bound.

In the mean time the school system (the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing) turned her in for truancy. We, the administration and myself had taken her out of the regular classroom. Her social worker was kept abreast of all that was happening. We had made some progress on behavior. We go to court and the judge is mad because we are already in the system and give us back to the other Judge. Fayette County schools wanted to dismiss the truancy charges but could not do after it was already on the docket. So now we have to go to court early for our other problem with the truancy issue and we are home bound. I think Fayette County will write a letter to the judge.

But we are still having problems with her as for as behavior. I think she is just getting lower and lower self-esteem and stating to medicate herself. She did test positive for low amounts of pot and then tested clean. I think she will test positive for pot again this Wednesday if they test her.

She had separation anxiety when she was little until she was around 7 years old. All of her teachers gave her rave reviews, and said she was extremely shy. Even her high school teachers the most recent said she was very good in class. She just did not do her work or hand it in and was absent quit a bit. She was always anxiety ridden over homework or projects. She always needed a lot of guidance. I talked to her sixth grade teacher the other day because I subbed for her and I asked her if M___ was as shy as this little girl in her class that I used to teach gymnastics to and she said oh on M___ was much shyer. I said how can you be shyer that, and she said that if M--- was called on and did not know the answer she even got shyer. She had to be perfect.

She never missed a cheerleading practice even if she was ineligible due to grades. Grades are what we fought about and what started most of the arguments.

She talks real loud and you just want to cringe when she opens her mouth. This is just with family and those that are close.

She is beautiful and athletic. Every therapist, police officer, or anyone she meets says she just does not fit the mold that we are used to seeing.

She was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD by a Psychiatrist that the school sent her to. I was going to stay with them but they did not take our insurance. I tried to get the school to take care of a short treatment time with him but they would not. They just paid for the initial diagnosis.

She is the 2nd child of 4. I have 4 kids aged 13 thru 18. Yes they are close in age. M___ (girl) 8-8-88, M___ (girl) 4-22-90. T___ (boy) 8-26-92, T___ (girl) 5-6-94.

They are all very athletic. They have all done well in school. T___ is a baseball player with a probable future in Baseball we have been told. We did the right things growing up as far as time spent, reading, fun etc.....

We were not perfect, but we are a family that cares.

Help!!!!!!

T.G.

````````````````````````````

Hi T.,

I know you’re in a state of desperation right now …and I’m sure you could use a “magic bullet.” But let me tell you that “change” is going to take some time.
When any of my adolescent clients experience school difficulties similar to your daughter, we pull them out of regular school and plug them into alternative school, or they simply work on their GED.

I wish I had gotten to you earlier. I can see that poor academic performance was a major source of parent-child conflict. And as you read in my eBook, I have a specific recommendation in this case – a recommendation that would have spared you and her a lot of agony (plus her grades probably would have come up a bit).

In any event, just continue to learn and implement the strategies in the eBook -- and for God’s sake, plug her into some form of education other than regular school.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I just want to know if there is hope...

>>>>>>>>>> Hi J. …I’ve responded where you see these arrows.

My son recently got suspended from school and is going back on Tuesday after 9 days. They are not going to put him in the general population because "in anger" he said to a friend "I could find her house and rape her if I wanted to." He is 13 and really had no idea what that meant but heard it on America's Most Wanted so he figured saying that would get her to stay away from him. This of course happened right after the VT shooting so that didn't help matters.

Luckily, I had just changed him from an LD IEP to and ED IEP to address his ODD and severe depressive disorder and social communication disorder that was diagnosed by his psychiatrist. They opted to not expel him but we got him into intensive individual counseling right away so we can maybe head off any other incidents.

>>>>>>>>>> Counseling is a traditional parenting strategy, which will have little or no benefit.

This is the first time he did something like this in school, so my husband and I have been wondering if this is a reaction to hearing the IEP accommodations listed out for him and then unconsciously testing his boundaries? We are also concerned that his obsession with girls (which is natural for most 13 y.o. but extreme in him) is going to get him in further trouble because he just does not understand social quos or personal and verbal boundaries when it comes to peers. He has only been openly defiant with a teacher once and that happened two weeks before this incident.

I am venting as you can probably tell. I just want to know if there is hope that with continued medical and psychological intervention we can turn this kid around, or is this a sign that his behavior is only going to get worse?

>>>>>>>>>> It will get worse if you don’t hunker down and implement the strategies in the eBook. If you are diligent with these strategies, his behavior is likely to improve.

He is on meds and for the most part does well at home but anytime there is a significant shift in the family dynamic, such as my husband and I going on vacation for 5 days without the kids or my older son getting a job and a car, we have a significant outburst with him.

I forgot to say that he got suspended from the bus for a belligerent comment, in the bus driver’s presence, in February the day before we left on our first vacation alone in 3 years. Has he just become a master at manipulating his environment to focus the attention on him or is he incapable of doing this on purpose?

>>>>>>>>>>> Yes …he is doing this on purpose – to get your intensity (I talk about ‘intensity-seeking’ a lot in the eBook).

Do we forgive some of this because he truly can't help it or do we just continue to be persistent with the discipline, consequences, and choosing our battles, then just hope and pray we win the war without losing our minds?

>>>>>>>>>> Be persistent. He’s not going to work for what YOU want, but he’ll work for what HE wants (this too is covered heavily in the eBook).

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com