ONLINE PARENTING COACH

Mark, Would you have any information for teachers and how they can deal with out of control students? Thanks in advance, Ms. Margy ```````````````````````````````````````` Hi Ms. Margy, Yes. Here’s a “Guide for Teachers”: Guide for Teachers-- I. Brief Overview A. Present main points from: Behavior Problems: What's a School to Do? - Excerpted from Addressing Barriers to Learning Newlsetter. 1. Refer to the outline entitled Intervention Focus in Dealing with Misbehavior for a concise description of strategies for managing misbehavior before, during and after its occurrence. 2. Utilize the Logical Consequences section to discuss the nature and rationale for implementing consequences, as well as a review of appropriate guidelines for using discipline in the cla...

Hi Mark, I have a son, N____, who is 6yrs and has been a great challenge for us as parents particularly from around the age of 1. He had very wild tantrums through the years quite often. Jumping to the present time I am grateful for the insight my friend and psychologist has given me about him. He informed me about ODD – oppositional defiant disorder and gave me website to check out. This brought me to you and I purchased your e-book and have been working my way through it. But I find it seems to be referring to older children, which may be connected as to why he is not responding to my attempts. He is extremely strong willed and determined to be in control. He is very defiant and rebellious and breaks the discipline. I admit I have not been so good at keeping emotion out of my responses to him or not arguing with him. But we are at crisis point and don’t know what to do. We changed track with him the other night when my husband put him to bed early without dinner! He hated t...

Mark: We just signed up for your program today and wonder where you have been for these past two turbulent years. Our son is a 14 year old freshman. He is very gifted academically (has tested in 90thpercentile on all standardized tests and qualified for honors classes). He is also gifted in the arts and music. For most of his 14 years we have not had major problems. Matthew was adopted at birth and diagnosed with ADD in 4th grade. He has been seeing therapists for the past two years, because he began displaying depression, self-cutting, and defiance. He takes Adderall and Lexapro. Matthew's new defiance is to refuse to do his homework. We have tried bribing, threatening, ignoring, and begging. We have attached his requests for a privilege (ie: going to a friends) to completion of his homework. He chooses not to socialize with friends as oppose to doing homework. We have sat and watched an "A" student turn into a "C-D" student and this semester is carryi...

Podcast Segment on ODD, Mark Hutten, M.A. Parenting Children with ODD

Mr. Hutten, I am a Preschool Teacher that has a 4 year old student that has been diagnosed with ODD. I was wondering if you could help me with any suggestions in helping this child. I use the Parenting with Love and Logic on this child and believe in giving him choices so that he feels he is still in control, of course I am happy with the two choices that I give him, but would appreciate any other suggestions in helping this child. Thank you, Penny ```````````````````````````````` Hi Penny, Here is an e-Book on Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Conduct Disorder (CD), and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) by my colleague Jim Chandler, MD. He works on the pharmaceutical side of intervention, whereas I work on the behavioral modification side. ==> CLICK HERE to go to the e-Book.

I have a question about grounding. Lets say I ground Dylan from his ps2 for 3 days for being sent to alternative school. So I take the controllers and he continues to act out and mouth off (because its BS he cant use his ps2 cause he did NOTHING wrong-naturally). I can restart the 3 days for each time he acts out but truly we would be up to 45days of no ps2 before the first 3 days is even up. Dylan accepts no punishment generally. Because well he has never done anything wrong and everyone is out to get him. So in reference to earning his way out do I say well you re up to 45 days of no ps2 because of your actions and your mouthing off but if you will talk to me and your teachers with respect for the next 3 days you will earn your ps2 back in 3 days? I dont get it but I want to. Because "I" could never survive the 45 days of grounded and he knows it. Its not realistic and I feel like the lesson of you cant yell and cuss at the teacher is so far off from where it started and ...

“I have a stepchild who is 13 years old and has tantrums that can last for hours. There are 6 other siblings in the house and this can be exhausting. Last night, his tantrum or fit lasted 3 hours. His father sent him outside and we told him he could come back in and finish his homework when he finished his fit. The yelling and screaming and pushing the doorbell and the horn in the truck was just part of it.” It is much easier to prevent temper tantrums than it is to manage them once they have erupted. Here are some tips for preventing temper tantrums and some things you can say: Avoid boredom. Say, “You have been working for a long time. Let’s take a break and do something fun.” Change environments, thus removing the child from the source of the temper tantrum. Say, “Let’s go for a walk.” Choose your battles. Teach children how to make a request without a temper tantrum and then honor the request. Say, “Try asking for that toy nicely and I’ll get it for you.” Create a safe env...

Dear Mark: I'm sure you must be told this often, but I have to say thank you. I have been listening to and reading the material provided in your out-of-control child site and feel a very heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Last evening I literally cried my eyes out, not knowing what to do in regard to my daughter. She is 15, has an IQ of 144, is very intelligent and thinks I am a poor excuse for a parent. My rules are stupid, my choices are insane ... and all I'm trying to do is help her see that balance is an issue in her life and am trying to influence her so that she might choose not to run herself into the ground as she does everything for everyone around her but completely discounts her family. She transmits and receives over 6000 text messages a month, yet couldn't tell you two things about the weekly lives of her younger brother, her stepfather or her mother. My approach to her has not worked. I am a textbook example of everything I have read to...

Hi Mark First off I would like to explain a little about the home life...I am a single mom. We are living with my mom, to help her out as she has Parkinson's. I am suffering from nerve damage in my neck & am having lots of issues with pain...& being a mom right now is challenging without having a difficult child. We live in a small town, my daughter A__ (15), was being seen by the only child psychologist around here... it didn't work out. The psych was trying to turn A___ into a V___ & A___ wouldn't open up to her, instead the counselor would answer questions for her. So we are w/o counseling except for the school psych who sees her once a week. Anyways, I am on some pretty heavy pain medicine, which is not making any of this easier. I am trying my hardest. My concern is this....last night I had a really bad night & had to leave my 18 year old up & in charge...I had to go to bed. When I got up this morning, we had found that A___ had been looking up Wicc...

Dear Mark, I've been reading your e-book, My Out-of-Control Teen, and I've gotten some good ideas already. One thing that I'm not sure how to handle is taking away things as a discipline. Our 16-year-old son has a computer and video games that he bought himself with money that he earned at his part-time job. When we threaten to take these away from him, he says we can't because he paid for them. How should we handle this? Thank you for your help. S.D. ``````````````````````````````````` Hi S., First of all, here's the link to the page of the eBook that most applies: Look for the section entitled ==> When You Want Something From Your Kid Secondly, if he EARNED his computer and games, then you shouldn't take those items away as part of discipline; however, he does live in your house ...and you pay for the electricity. So, in using the strategy in the section listed above, you can add one caveat: Issue a warning by saying to him, "If you choose to __...

Dear Mark- I purchased your program and at the part that is basically saying, eat dinner with them and tell them good night. The program says not to skip and to read it step by step -which is fine but in the meantime things are not good! Truly at home my son is pretty good (now that I have a boyfriend that will not take his crap) but at school he is a TERROR. I get calls from the office daily. Today he stole a drink in the cafeteria then when caught shoved it across the table getting it all over another student, threatened to beat up the kid that told on him and cussed out the Principal. Well he is expelled from school for 10 days now. But this type stuff goes on *every single day*. I take away his ps2, ground him from tv- which makes him all sad and but it is not helping the behavior at school- he acts DEVASTATED every time he gets in trouble that he just cant believe it all happened and knows he is going to be in trouble and is very upset about being in trouble - yet the behavior c...

I have one question for you, if you could help me out on this: right now, my 16-yr old daughter was given an ultimatum (from me) that she had to live with her dad for a cooling off period of two weeks, without a cellphone, because she was destroying some internal house property, as well as becoming threatening to me, totally disregarding curfew, swearing at me, etc. I notice in your book you recommend a 3-day punishment period only. My daughter’s deal was that at the end of the 2-wk cooling off period, assuming she could agree to a basic contract of respectful behaviour, we’d try it again (ie. I have her at home). It’s only been in effect since Monday. Do you think my 2-week period for her is too long? (assuming she agrees to the contract earlier? What if she doesn’t agree?). With all her behavioural problems, she has still gotten decent marks at school (despite a number of absences), as well as she holds down a good little part-time job (which unfortunately I think enables her to ...

Mark-- I'm a mom, high school teacher, and foster mom. I love working with "out of control" kids, which is why I bought your ebook. While my house is perfectly peaceful, I wanted to know what to tell my students' parents when they ask me what to do. I had to read the book before I could recommend it. I've read only a part of it, but I know already that I will be assigning your book for parent homework! My question, though, is more self-serving. I've been in education for 14 years and am certified in 5 areas including special education. I am led to work with more troubled kids. I want to work in juvenile justice, and although I've applied week after week for the past 2 years, I've received no acknowledgment of my application. Having read the job qualifications and preferred candidate profiles, I know I would be an asset. Further, I've read news paper articles discussing the shortage in this field. Can you give me some idea how to "b...

"I'm a mother of a teenager son. He seems to have developed an aggressive attitude as of late. Also, he seems hyper and agitated most of the time. Is that a sign of smoking marijuana?" A pot smoker usually behaves just the opposite of what you're describing. Marijuana has the opposite effect. It's an anti-aggressive kind of a drug. I can tell you that once testosterone hits at puberty, teens can become aggressive.    Also, other drugs on the market trigger aggression. Chronic marijuana abusers may get testy in between highs, but aggression is not the most common symptom. The change you're most likely to see (if he is smoking pot) is that your son will appear slowed down and dull. The change is subtle, though, so it's really only noticeable because you're familiar with what's normal for your son. Also, a pot smoker may or may not have wet, red eyes, but the real giveaway is his breath. The smell will clue you in every time. I don'...

Dear Mr. Hutten, Thank you for saving my family. When my 13 year old daughter turned into an angry out of control person last spring I had no idea of how to handle her. Nor did the therapists I consulted. I thought I might have to put her into a residential treatment program. I found your website and downloaded your book. I refer to it as "the Bible." My daughter's behavior turned around the instant I stood up to her and gave her limits. The change was amazing and all for the good. It has helped me to be clear, less reactive, calmer and more loving. And a lot firmer. If a situation arises I feel that I know what to do. What action to take. (Usually: Ground her!) In other words, you are a genius! I am deeply grateful. J. B. Online Parent Support

Thank you for your telephone conversation with me today on Sunday and helping me with getting the online version; somehow just hearing from the real person who began this program was a sense of hope that this may be my first successful door to help my troubled 15 year old teenager. I have contemplated and contacted twice The Boys Ranch for troubled teens in the last 2 years; due to mixed reasons such as unsupport of my husband (doesn't want to send our child away), the on / off times of my child with seemingly better behavior only to get in trouble again, and myself torn between to send him or not are all reasons I have not sent him their for help. But things have only escalated with him; this place is a free facility, as I do not have the finances otherwise for somewhere else. I can't remember if there is a minimal time that your child has to be there once enrolled or not; I just felt this would be a very controlled environment with one on one adult supervision and counseling...

Hi Mark, Well, just to catch you up...M got out of the JJS on 1/3 and is in the intensive probation program. His PO has seen him 2x @ school and 1 home visit. He is supposed to go back to work and pay for the program ($90). He has called his manager (with MUCH arm twisting) but so far has not gone back. He has been to court last Thursday for his chewing tobacco possession and had a $55 fine imposed (Has yet to work this off also). He was re-instated on the wrestling team, and the DAY he found out he was back on he was a totally changed person. He was happy, interacting, talking about new semester classes/teachers, working out, etc. He has his first meet on Thursday and did excellent. We really thought he turned the corner. He has had his ADHD rx increased (new Dx 12/06), and the psychiatrist (and his counselor and the JSS counselor) all think he has depression and want him on antidepressants also. He thus far is not agreeable to taking them. Friday I get a call fro...

We adopted 3 siblings in March 2006. They are 2 twins boys 4 yrs. old and their sister 5 yrs. old. They are very bright, smart and intelligent kids and make us very happy. We haven't experience any educational problems with them. They go to daycare and have learned numbers and letters, shapes and colors at the same rate as the other kids in their school. I purchased and have read your e-book "My out of control child" and have found it very useful. You explain to me in your e-mail the behavioral problems that adopted children usually have because of the unknown medical history of their birth parents. I have tried your techniques and procedures explained in your book, but our daughter is still giving her teachers a lot of trouble at school to the point that they don't know what else to do. When she is with us, she controls herself or at least follows directions, but we have to be with our eyes or her at all times. We praise them (4:1), caught them doing go...

Hi Mark, the last time I spoke with you was on the 20th of November last year (titled "Desperate"). At that stage my son had left home and I was frustrated. Your words were of great comfort to me and I must admit at my lowest points, I referred back to that email for strength. Thank you for that. During my sons three and a half months of living away from home, I have practiced your techniques whenever he was around. My son has now decided to come back home and live under our rules. I am excited about this and a little apprehensive. What I would like to know is how to slowly and inconspicuously get him away from the bad crowd he is now involved with. I do not want to scare him off as soon as he gets home and I know that I have to tread very lightly. The other area of concern is the body piercing which neither I nor my husband can stand. Should I just continue the "POKER FACE" and let him find his way or should I set the rules immediately? To date, your co...

Hi Mark, My 16-year old granddaughter (who lives with her father) runs away from home fairly regularly ...usually 3-4 days at a time. And we never know where she stays during these stints. What can her father do to prevent this? What should he do if she does take off again? It's starting to become a real problem. And I worry about her safety. Thanks, A. Click here for my answer...

Hello, Well I started Phase 1 and set the boundaries of curfew and homework requirements. All was going fine, to my surprise. Now the weekend, and Nicole wanted a friend to stay over. I thought well she has been home on time all week and has cleaned her room and done her homework, so alright. Saturday, she decides to go out with her boyfriend. She calls me at 11:50 pm to see if she can stay the night at his house. I said absolutely not! She is to come home by curfew. Well she still is not home and it is now 9:30 am. What do I do with this? 3 days grounded? What? Please help. ```````````````````````` Hi D., Assuming she has returned home by now, issue the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., grounded for one evening with no phone privileges). If she refuses to accept the least restrictive consequence, then withhold all privileges and ground her for 3 days. Most importantly, however, issue the following warning and be prepared to back-up your words with action: “If you ...

Mark- What are your views on teens having sex with condoms? I'm not sure where to go with this one as my 17-year-old daughter is wanting to have sex with her 18-year-old boyfriend (and probably already is) but does not want to go on birth control. Thanks in advance, J.C. ``````````````` Hi J., I'd like to share some data with you rather than give my personal opinion on the matter. One of our goals at Online Parent Support is ongoing research. Our recent project tried a number of recruitment strategies with varying degrees of success. Fliers were distributed by project staff in a few high schools and at a weekly summer street fair in downtown Indianapolis that attracts large numbers of teens, and by community agencies to their clients. The street fair recruiting, community service agency referrals, and focus group participant referrals (snowball method) were quite successful. In the summer of 2007, the OPS HIV Prevention Studies Group conducted: ·10 individual interviews with pa...

A new member of Online Parent Support writes: "I've found your website out of sheer desperation (bet you've heard that a time or two). I'm the step parent of an 18 year old boy who has been diagnosed in the past six months as being bipolar. He is abusing alcohol (no drugs as far as I can tell) and most days he has no respect for authority of any kind. Curfews are non existent and he can't hold a job. He was recently kicked out of a private catholic school ...and attempted suicide in October by overdosing on his meds. The dilemma, number one he lives with his mom ...and she is demanding that his father and I ...take him. He is taking his meds, but not going to the weekly counseling that was recommended. His mother doesn't enforce any rules because she is afraid of him (he's been known to knock holes in the walls with baseball bats but has never injured anyone). Number two, his father travels out of state most of the time and I would be the primar...

Hi Mark! I just downloaded your book and plan on start reading it this afternoon. I do have a couple of questions. I have a 14 year old son. He is ADHD. I guess he is really just a typical teenager-back talk, not doing what he is told, slacking on his homework, etc. He isn't "out-of-control" in the sense of drugs, alcohol, etc. His father died as a result of a car accident right before he turned three. I remarried two years later. My husband treats and loves him as if he was his own. We have a daughter who is six. There is a lot of jealous there (mostly from our son). We try to treat them equally but, it doesn't seem to matter what we do. Also, I honestly don't know what kind of punishment to give him if he does misbehave. During the school year he doesn't have t.v. or video games during the week and he isn't too social so I really feel that there isn't anything to "take away" from him or ground him from doing. Do you have any suggestions...

I read the comments about children not doing well in school. The understanding I get from that is not to push and nag them to do homework. Let them suffer the consequences. So does that mean that if he has a test to study for, or an assignment due that I should let him do whatever he wants and other than the schoolwork? He would rather sit in front of the game cube and play all night long if I let him. Do I take the gamecube away from him for 3 days? Could you please reply back to me by e-mail. Thanks. G.  ``````````````  Hi G., If poor academic performance is an ongoing source of parent-child conflict - AND if your son has a history of poor academic performance, then you will do well to follow the advice in the eBook. Should you let him do whatever he wants? No. Set aside a 1-hour block of time (e.g., 7:00 PM to 8:00 PM five days a week) for him to do homework. He can choose to do homework, or he can choose to NOT be able to play his Game Cube. Let him decide. If h...

Dear Mark, Many thanks for all the information you have sent to me this has been extremely helpful to both my colleague and myself as we have recently set up our own company dealing with early intervention. This is a relatively new concept in the U.K. and we have found your perspective on this matter to be more advanced and if you have any more information you feel would be of relevance to ourselves we would appreciate your input. We look forward to hearing from you in the near future. Best Regards, for Elite Family Specialists CIC Dee Bracken Director Tel. 0191 516 0167 Mob. 07721619818 E-Mail d.bracken@sky.com

Hi N., Please look for these arrows below: ====> On Jan 9, 2008 2:28 PM, N. wrote: Good afternoon, I purchased your e-book last night, and as I am reading it, it seems to be more appropriate for teens. (I just started looking thru). ===> There are some age-specific parenting strategies, but as long as your child is living in your home, 98% of the techniques will apply regardless of age. 2 yrs ago our dream of becoming parents became true through adoption when we were match up with 3 adorable siblings. Our daughter is 5yrs and her twin brothers are 4. We are blessed, they are adorable children, but we are having behavioral problems with our daughter. She seems to be able to control herself when we are at home or when ever I'm around (I 'm very firm with them and one way or another she seem to listen to me) but the minute I leave her side she becomes in a little devil. At school she is driving everyone crazy. And the worst is that the twins are starting ...

Mark: I need help. We (my ex-wife and myself) cannot get our daughter to go to school. When she lived with me she missed nearly all of her freshmen year. She is a sophomore at Anderson High School. She has missed most of this year. She claims that she is sick all the time. However, it seems funny to me that she is never sick on the weekends nor was she sick during Christmas vacation. It is apparent to me that she just doesn't want to go to school. She has been to the Anderson Center. We have went to court where the Judge awarded my ex-wife temporary physical custody of my daughter. Now that she lives with her, my ex has the same issues that I had with our daughter. She just will not go to school on a regular basis. Please advise what can we do to resolve this issue. All I want is for my daughter to be in school to get her education. Sincerely, T. ``````````````````````` Hi T., Going to school usually is an exciting, enjoyable event for children. For some it brings in...

Dear Mark, Well, my daughter turned 18 and she did move out with her boyfriend and his mother. I heard she did not go to school today. I am wondering what responsibility do I have with her still in school? Maybe this is the wrong question to ask, but I am trying to make sense of this. I want you know that I did say they could date, but she would still have to obey our guidelines in our home. She didn't think she could do this, so she wanted out. Thank you, M. `````````````````` Hi M., I think it's good that she's out - that's o.k. for everybody. She doesn't have to attend school at her age - it's optional. She'll eventually realize she needs to at least get a GED. She won't want to work at McDonald's her whole life. Look at her as more like an adult friend now (rather than your "pain-in-the-ass" daughter). Mark Online Parent Support

Hi L., Please look for my comments where you see these arrows: =======> Dear Mark, I'm writing again about my adopted girl now 14 years old. As you know we have been having problems with her since she was around 10. We have been through the whole counseling routine, where she manipulates and all, but now are involved in a so called family counseling service and for the most part I think they have been very good at not letting her call the shots and call her on things they see, instead of everything being the parents fault. I not saying we haven't made mistakes, the main one being as parents we do disagree on some of the accepted behaviors.   Since we cannot agree on how to discipline even when we agree on the rules, this has left her open to manipulate one of us, usually my husband. She basically knows what I will accept and since I have tried to remove the emotion from my statements and have tried to put the ball in her court as far as relationship goes, she has...