Hi Mark,
I wanted to thank you for the programme that you have set out and the positive results we are having. I am finding that the "make them earn everything" is working very well. In the assignment for session 4 you recommend ignoring bad behaviours etc. Our child has always been one to want attention any way he can get it. I guess he has been getting it for negative reasons in the past. We have been ignoring these behaviours - the annoying, the disrespect, the swearing etc etc. Can you help me understand how long we have to ignore these behaviours before they start to die - the desire for the child to keep doing these behaviours lessons? We have been ignoring behavours for 5 weeks now and still he persists!!! It is like he realises he is not getting the attention he so much wants and so tries even harder to get our attention!! Some days it is very difficult to keep ignoring it!!
Our teenager also loves forming habits, which are not positive. He forms these habits very quickly and they are very hard to break. Last week he decided to start using every swear word he could think of as often as possible. It got to the point where I grounded him for a day with items removed because I could see how quickly these words would have become a habit. It's seems to have worked so far. The swearing has certainly lessened. He has this habit of making movements with his face. I took him to hypnotherapy and it did nothing to break the habit. Do you have any suggestions? We have been completely ignoring it. Apart from that he has only had 3 groundings in 5 weeks and we are noticing that his behaviour has improved in many areas. Thanks so much and I look forward to hearing from you.
J.
`````````````````````````
Hi J.,
Re: Can you help me understand how long we have to ignore these behaviours before they start to die…
As I mentioned in the audio portion of the eBook, “ignoring misbehavior” is an over-rated parenting strategy, but when it comes to siblings bickering back and forth, it is probably the best strategy. I don’t suggest ignoring disrespect or swearing however. These behaviors need a consequence as outlined in the eBook.
Re: He has this habit of making movements with his face. I took him to hypnotherapy and it did nothing to break the habit. Do you have any suggestions?
You are describing motor tics (i.e., quick, uncontrollable movements or vocal outbursts, but not both). About 1 to 2% of the population has chronic motor tic disorder. The condition is more common than Tourette syndrome. However, it is not as common as transient tic disorder. All types of chronic tics are believed to be forms of Tourette syndrome (e.g., excessive blinking, grimaces of the face, quick movements of the arms, legs, or other areas, sounds: grunts, throat clearing, contractions of the abdomen or diaphragm).
People can hold off these symptoms for a short period of time, but they feel a sense of relief when they carry out these movements.
The doctor can usually diagnose a tic during a physical examination. Tests are generally not needed. To be diagnosed with the disorder, one must have had the tics nearly every day for more than a year, and one has not had a tic-free period longer than 3 months
Treatment depends on how bad the tics are and how the condition affects you. Medicines and psychotherapy are used only when the tics have a major impact on daily activities, such as school and job performance.
Drugs used to treat tics include dopamine blockers, such as pimozide and risperidone. However, these drugs are not always successful and can cause side effects.
Children who develop this disorder between ages 6 and 8 do very well. Symptoms may last 4 to 6 years, and then stop without treatment in early adolescence.
When the disorder begins in older children and continues into the 20s, it may become a life-long condition.
There is usually no need to see the health care provider for a tic unless it is severe or disrupts your life.
Bottom line: I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s just your son’s weird way of dealing with stress.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
Poor Academic Performance Is A Different Animal
Dear Mark................my wife and I continue to refer to your notes over and over again. We are making progress with our 14 year old son. He has been more compliant lately. My wife and I are being transformed in the process as well. We hardly ever nag about chores or homework, etc. We are less confrontational. We have been encouraging each other as well as our son. We are more graceful and listen better.
Our struggle is not yet over. Our son is in the 8th grade and his grades have dropped significantly. He received (2) Ds and (1) F on the last report card a few weeks ago. The consequences were loss of his cell phone privilege Monday - Friday afternoon and loss of privilege to have friends over or go out with friends on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings. He can participate in our church teen midweek service which is mostly a fellowship activity.
Our son has accepted these consequences; however, there has been no noticeable improvement in his grades and we are holding him totally accountable. We have made it clear that we are available to help. We have told him that his poor grades are hurting him and no one else.
Yesterday, he started using the Instant Messenger feature on the internet to stay connected with his friends. I had blocked his access to the AOL instant messenger but he is now accessing it via Internet Explorer. I can remove the wireless adapter on his computer and he will not be able to access the internet if I choose to take this step. I can use the security password feature on the two other computers in the home to prevent him from accessing them if I choose to do so.
Question: We are expecting a progress report in the next few days and we do not expect much improvement. What should we do to help our son realize that his poor academic performance will only hurt him in the long run? Apparently the consequences are not changing his behavior or attitude? Apparently his ODD tendencies have created a technology contest that I prefer not to engage in.
Many thanks in advance.
J.
```````````````````
Hi J.,
Grades are kind of a different animal (as if we didn't have enough twists and turns).
Please refer to the page entitled Emails From Exasperated Parents [Online Version of the eBook -- Session #4].
On that page, scroll near the bottom and look for where it reads:
"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.
NOTE: If your teen has a history of poor academic performance, and if poor academic performance is an ongoing source of conflict, then follow the recommendation.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Our struggle is not yet over. Our son is in the 8th grade and his grades have dropped significantly. He received (2) Ds and (1) F on the last report card a few weeks ago. The consequences were loss of his cell phone privilege Monday - Friday afternoon and loss of privilege to have friends over or go out with friends on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings. He can participate in our church teen midweek service which is mostly a fellowship activity.
Our son has accepted these consequences; however, there has been no noticeable improvement in his grades and we are holding him totally accountable. We have made it clear that we are available to help. We have told him that his poor grades are hurting him and no one else.
Yesterday, he started using the Instant Messenger feature on the internet to stay connected with his friends. I had blocked his access to the AOL instant messenger but he is now accessing it via Internet Explorer. I can remove the wireless adapter on his computer and he will not be able to access the internet if I choose to take this step. I can use the security password feature on the two other computers in the home to prevent him from accessing them if I choose to do so.
Question: We are expecting a progress report in the next few days and we do not expect much improvement. What should we do to help our son realize that his poor academic performance will only hurt him in the long run? Apparently the consequences are not changing his behavior or attitude? Apparently his ODD tendencies have created a technology contest that I prefer not to engage in.
Many thanks in advance.
J.
```````````````````
Hi J.,
Grades are kind of a different animal (as if we didn't have enough twists and turns).
Please refer to the page entitled Emails From Exasperated Parents [Online Version of the eBook -- Session #4].
On that page, scroll near the bottom and look for where it reads:
"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.
NOTE: If your teen has a history of poor academic performance, and if poor academic performance is an ongoing source of conflict, then follow the recommendation.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Child abuse rises when dad is away at war—
Mothers are twice as likely to physically hurt kids, government study finds.
Children in some Army families are vulnerable to abuse and neglect by their mothers when their fathers are away at war in Iraq and Afghanistan, a large Pentagon-funded study finds.
Mothers were three times more likely to have a substantiated report of child mistreatment when their soldier husbands were deployed than when the fathers were home, according to the research. Mothers at home were nearly four times as likely to neglect their children and nearly twice as likely to physically abuse them during deployment periods.
Army officials said the study confirms what they’ve seen at large military bases for nearly two years, overwhelmed and depressed mothers neglecting their children.
This is another recognition of the stress that families are experiencing with multiple deployments, and that shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.
Army to hire more people to support families—
The Army recently announced it will hire more than 1,000 additional “family readiness support assistants” to help families of deployed active-duty, Army Reserve and National Guard units. The Army also recently added $8 million to its respite child care program and increased home visits to parents of young children at 13 bases with the highest rates of neglect, said Delores Johnson, the Army’s director of family programs.
The study appears in Wednesday’s Journal of the American Medical Association. Army staff reviewed the manuscript before its submission to the medical journal.
The researchers analyzed information from two large Army databases from 2001 through 2004. Since then, the pace of deployments has increased, making the findings even more important.
Only families with at least one report of child mistreatment were part of the analysis, so the findings apply only to families with some underlying risk.
The researchers found reports of abuse and neglect for nearly 3,000 individual children. The mistreatment included neglect, abandonment, physical abuse, emotional abuse and sexual abuse.
Dads at home may be more likely to get help—
Women accounted for about nine out of 10 incidents by civilian parents during deployments. For fathers at home while their soldier wives were at war, the effect of deployment on the likelihood of abuse or neglect was insignificant, suggesting men may be more likely to get help from extended family or other resources.
Overall, the study of almost 1,800 Army families worldwide found that reports of child abuse and neglect were 42 percent higher during times when the soldier-parent, regardless of gender, was deployed.
Experts cautioned that situations not generally considered neglect by most city child welfare workers would be called neglect by Army social workers. Robichaux, a former Houston child welfare worker, said Army families tend to get help sooner than civilian families.
Two previous studies have found increasing rates of child neglect in Army families between 2001 and 2004, and increasing rates of child mistreatment in Texas military families during a time of large-scale deployments.
The new study was hailed by a researcher involved in the Texas study. It is important, especially given the current military and political situation in which deployment occurs more frequently and deployments can be longer.
Stacy Bannerman, a member of the anti-war group Military Families Speak Out and the wife of a National Guardsman who fought in Iraq, said she’s seen mothers neglect their children while their husbands are in Iraq.
Online Parent Support
It has helped reduced our level of "freak-out"...
Mark -
We are studying your web presence and it has helped reduced our level of "freak-out" with our 16 year-old, "out-of-house," but still near-by daughter.
Carla
Online Parent Support
We are studying your web presence and it has helped reduced our level of "freak-out" with our 16 year-old, "out-of-house," but still near-by daughter.
Carla
Online Parent Support
Fear Of Going To The Bathroom
Thank you, your book is great and it's helping us with our 10 year old son. One thing I need to know. Our son holds on to his number 2 for weeks because he's afraid of going to the bathroom. How do we handle that?
A.
````````````````````
Hi A.,
Children fear elimination for a variety of reasons. For example:
Some kids don’t like the splash...
Some see the toilet as a trap and they are afraid they will fall in or that something will pop out of there and get the... get them a smaller seat to go on top of the adult seat
It’s scary to be sitting on a throne in the middle of a room doing something so private...
Some kids say it’s like a part of them is falling off...
Sometimes it’s because their feet can't rest on the floor (ever try to poop with your feet off the floor?)... get them a stool
Some kids don’t like the bathroom because the toilet seat is cold... get seat liners / covers
In some cases, they simply have stage fright (you're staring at him, waiting, waiting, "you can do it", "come on big boy", etc.)...
A lot of times children hold it in because it's a form of control for them. They feel the rest of their lives are controlled by their parents - or other outside influences - but they can hold it in and control that one thing.
We may want to investigate the possibility that your son has Obsessive Compulsive tendencies (OCD):
OCD is characterized by recurrent intense obsessions and/or compulsions that cause severe discomfort and interfere with day-to-day functioning.
Obsessions are recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images that are unwanted and cause marked anxiety or distress. Frequently, they are unrealistic or irrational. They are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems or preoccupations.
Compulsions are repetitive behaviors or rituals (like hand washing, hoarding, keeping things in order, checking something over and over) or mental acts (like counting, repeating words silently, avoiding).
In OCD, the obsessions or compulsions cause significant anxiety or distress, or they interfere with the child's normal routine, academic functioning, social activities, or relationships.
A younger child with OCD may have persistent thoughts that harm will occur to himself or a family member, for example an intruder entering an unlocked door or window. The child may compulsively check all the doors and windows of his home after his parents are asleep in an attempt to relieve anxiety. The child may then fear that he may have accidentally unlocked a door or window while last checking and locking, and then must compulsively check over and over again.
An older child or a teenager with OCD may fear that he will become ill with germs, AIDS, or contaminated food. To cope with his/her feelings, a child may develop "rituals" (a behavior or activity that gets repeated). Sometimes the obsession and compulsion are linked; "I fear this bad thing will happen if I stop checking or hand washing, so I can't stop even if it doesn't make any sense."
If you need more info on OCD and its treatment, just let me know. I’m out of time for now.
Mark
Online Parent Support
A.
````````````````````
Hi A.,
Children fear elimination for a variety of reasons. For example:
Some kids don’t like the splash...
Some see the toilet as a trap and they are afraid they will fall in or that something will pop out of there and get the... get them a smaller seat to go on top of the adult seat
It’s scary to be sitting on a throne in the middle of a room doing something so private...
Some kids say it’s like a part of them is falling off...
Sometimes it’s because their feet can't rest on the floor (ever try to poop with your feet off the floor?)... get them a stool
Some kids don’t like the bathroom because the toilet seat is cold... get seat liners / covers
In some cases, they simply have stage fright (you're staring at him, waiting, waiting, "you can do it", "come on big boy", etc.)...
A lot of times children hold it in because it's a form of control for them. They feel the rest of their lives are controlled by their parents - or other outside influences - but they can hold it in and control that one thing.
We may want to investigate the possibility that your son has Obsessive Compulsive tendencies (OCD):
OCD is characterized by recurrent intense obsessions and/or compulsions that cause severe discomfort and interfere with day-to-day functioning.
Obsessions are recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images that are unwanted and cause marked anxiety or distress. Frequently, they are unrealistic or irrational. They are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems or preoccupations.
Compulsions are repetitive behaviors or rituals (like hand washing, hoarding, keeping things in order, checking something over and over) or mental acts (like counting, repeating words silently, avoiding).
In OCD, the obsessions or compulsions cause significant anxiety or distress, or they interfere with the child's normal routine, academic functioning, social activities, or relationships.
A younger child with OCD may have persistent thoughts that harm will occur to himself or a family member, for example an intruder entering an unlocked door or window. The child may compulsively check all the doors and windows of his home after his parents are asleep in an attempt to relieve anxiety. The child may then fear that he may have accidentally unlocked a door or window while last checking and locking, and then must compulsively check over and over again.
An older child or a teenager with OCD may fear that he will become ill with germs, AIDS, or contaminated food. To cope with his/her feelings, a child may develop "rituals" (a behavior or activity that gets repeated). Sometimes the obsession and compulsion are linked; "I fear this bad thing will happen if I stop checking or hand washing, so I can't stop even if it doesn't make any sense."
If you need more info on OCD and its treatment, just let me know. I’m out of time for now.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Is he depressed or extremely manipulative or a combination of both?
"My 14 (almost 15) yr. old son is dating a 17 yr. girl. Just about the time he started seeing her, my almost 17 yr. son came to me because he felt his brother was showing signs of depression. The oldest son is very mature, kind, very religious, and sensitive towards others, particularly his brothers. He showed me how to access his brother's instant messaging e-mails. I was then able to get into my son's head (he's not very talkative) and find out what is going on with his girlfriend because I had some concerns about their relationship. Also in his e-mails, he told his friends that he was very sad but didn't know why and that he doesn't believe in God. I kept on eye on it and didn't see anything more in the e-mail about him being sad nor did I notice him looking down until I grounded him. The younger one has had his moments of bad moods over the years, and with the combination of hormones and having a girlfriend in the picture, I decided to monitor it....."
==> Continue...
My son gets straight F's across the board...
Hi Mark,
The things that I’ve read about kids and school are great when the kids are trying or want to try, what if they refuse to do anything in school? My son gets straight F's across the board. No matter how hard the school seems to try he just won't do traditional schoolwork. Do you have any ideas?
Thanks,
D.
````````````````
Hi D.,
Please refer to the section of the eBook entitled Emails Form Exasperated Parents [Session #4 – Online Version].
When you get to that page, look for where it reads:
"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Should you discipline a defiant teen who is also suffering from depression?
"Thanks…finally hope at the end of the tunnel, but need some help
on dealing with a son who is also depressed. Should I change anything
about the program, or just try to follow the first week and see what happens?"
Click here for my response...
Click here for my response...
The adults are back in Charge!
Hi Mark,
Thanks again for your speedy reply, sorry I did not get back to you yesterday. Things have been moving fast around here in a most unexpected way.
Thank you for the advise for both our Sons.
J___, the angry child, is responding wonderfully to our new methods. No arguments, very loving and receptive. He will be thrilled with our Plans to move into the driving phase. He won't hear about them until he finishes his Project, which will end his grounding. At this point we will start anew. He has accepted our terms of use on the computer with the understanding that any abuse will result in a 3-day ban. He came home from school yesterday in a pissy mood, I would normally try to find out what was bothering him, but I just asked about his day and went on like nothing was wrong and he pulled himself out of the mood and the rest of the evening was great.
P___ on the other hand is the one not adjusting too well. Of course he is the one who after our apology, felt no apology was needed.... He was just fine with everything staying status Quo :) Sorry... Things are changing and we don't know exactly what his reactions to that are going to be. We realize we have held him back with our past parenting and that is all about to change.
We always felt that as long as they went with the flow of the family they were welcome to stay at home... We have had a change of Heart and Mind :) It is time for him to be out on his own. This talk will be coming asap and his reaction is going to provide a growing season for us all. Mike and I both are prepared for some hurt feelings that may take awhile to get passed but we now know it is for his and our benefit.
Thank you again and again...... The adults are back in Charge!
A. & M.
Online Parent Support
Thanks again for your speedy reply, sorry I did not get back to you yesterday. Things have been moving fast around here in a most unexpected way.
Thank you for the advise for both our Sons.
J___, the angry child, is responding wonderfully to our new methods. No arguments, very loving and receptive. He will be thrilled with our Plans to move into the driving phase. He won't hear about them until he finishes his Project, which will end his grounding. At this point we will start anew. He has accepted our terms of use on the computer with the understanding that any abuse will result in a 3-day ban. He came home from school yesterday in a pissy mood, I would normally try to find out what was bothering him, but I just asked about his day and went on like nothing was wrong and he pulled himself out of the mood and the rest of the evening was great.
P___ on the other hand is the one not adjusting too well. Of course he is the one who after our apology, felt no apology was needed.... He was just fine with everything staying status Quo :) Sorry... Things are changing and we don't know exactly what his reactions to that are going to be. We realize we have held him back with our past parenting and that is all about to change.
We always felt that as long as they went with the flow of the family they were welcome to stay at home... We have had a change of Heart and Mind :) It is time for him to be out on his own. This talk will be coming asap and his reaction is going to provide a growing season for us all. Mike and I both are prepared for some hurt feelings that may take awhile to get passed but we now know it is for his and our benefit.
Thank you again and again...... The adults are back in Charge!
A. & M.
Online Parent Support
Gang Problem Hits Home
Elwood, Indiana—
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
From a very disturbed parent:
What’s with 9 people being killed in a week up there? Doesn’t sound like the safest place to be.
I wondered if that would make state or national news. NO, it is very crazy around here right now. Some of the shootings have been gang-related…others drug-related. There were actually six shootings in just two days last week…several of which occurred right during the day not far from my office! We have a HUGE gang problem here. A gang unit was established with the police dept last summer and just recently our probation dept. started a gang program where the court is identifying dangerous kids (gang) and putting them in this intensive program. There were about 200 threats received in the past week that some of the local schools are going to be targeted today. I’ve already had calls from parents saying they are not sending their kids to school today. The newspapers say none of the shootings are related, but there definitely were several related and have been rival gangs in retaliation for other shootings….
Any suggestions?
````````````````````
Many communities have serious problems with gangs. There are many kinds of gangs, but whatever kind you community is dealing with, gangs spell trouble. They cause fear, destroy property, threaten or hurt peaceable residents, and drive out businesses.
Parents can do a lot to prevent gang problems or top reduce gag problems already in place. Most important, there’s a lot that parents like you can do to keep your own children from joining gangs:
· Join with others to make or keep your neighborhood gang free.
· Learn about gangs and signs of gang activity.
· Sharpen your skills as a parent and use them.
Young people (as young as nine or ten) join gangs for reasons that makes sense to them, if not to adults. They give reasons like these:
· for excitement
· to be with friends
· to belong to a group
· to earn money
· to get protection
Gangs leave signs of their presence. Your child may adopt some of those signs as either a gang member or an imitator:
· gang symbols on walls as graffiti or on books or clothing
· major and negative behavior changes, such as worse grades, staying out without good reason, "hanging" with known or suspected gang members, carrying weapons, wearing certain kinds and colors of clothing in very specific ways, and possessing unexplained relatively large sums of money
· special hand signals
· specific colors or emblems
Many gang members say they joined because the gang offered them support, caring, and a sense of order and purpose - al the things that most parents try to give their kids. The odds are that the better you meet these needs, the less need you children will see for gangs.
Here are some parenting skills that are especially important:
·Do everything possible to involve your children in supervised, positive group activities
·Do everything possible to prevent dropping out
·Help your kids identify positive role models and heroes - especially people right in your community
·Know what your children are doing and whom they are with. Know about their friends and their friends’ families
·Praise them for doing well and encourage them to do their very best - to stretch their skills to the utmost
·Put a high value on education and help your child to do his or her best in school
·Talk with listen to your child. Spend some special time with each child
Don’t forget to talk about gangs. The best time is before there’s a major problem.
Tell your child that:
· family members don’t keep secrets from each other
· you an other parents are working together against gangs
· you disapprove of gangs
· you don’t want to see your child hurt or arrested
· you see your child as special, and worth protecting
· you want to help your child with problems
Everyone (except gang members) wants a gang-free community. Parents stand to lose the most -- the well-being or even the life of a child -- if gangs take or keep hold. But gangs are often violent and intimidating.
What can you do in the face of this?
· Develop positive alternatives. Are there after-school and weekend activities kids can enjoy? Can the school offer its facilities? Can parents organize clubs or sports? Can older kids tutor or mentor younger ones? Can the kids themselves help with ideas?
· Get organized against the gang organization. Use your neighborhood association or a new group. Get help from a variety of sources right in you community. Try these kinds of people in addition to the police, priest or minister, family counselor, community association, school counselor or principal, athletic coach, Boys & Girls Clubs, YMCA / YWCA, Scouts, drug abuse prevention groups, youth-serving agencies, and community centers - just to name a few.
· Talk with other parents. For one thing, you’ll find out what everyone else’s parent really said. For another, you can support each other and share knowledge that will help spot problems sooner than you can on your own.
· Work with police and other agencies. Report suspicious activity, set up a Neighborhood Watch or a community patrol; let the police know about gang graffiti, get (and share with other parents) the facts on the gang problem in your community, find out what local services - nonprofit as well as government - will work with communities against gangs.
Online Parent Support
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
From a very disturbed parent:
What’s with 9 people being killed in a week up there? Doesn’t sound like the safest place to be.
I wondered if that would make state or national news. NO, it is very crazy around here right now. Some of the shootings have been gang-related…others drug-related. There were actually six shootings in just two days last week…several of which occurred right during the day not far from my office! We have a HUGE gang problem here. A gang unit was established with the police dept last summer and just recently our probation dept. started a gang program where the court is identifying dangerous kids (gang) and putting them in this intensive program. There were about 200 threats received in the past week that some of the local schools are going to be targeted today. I’ve already had calls from parents saying they are not sending their kids to school today. The newspapers say none of the shootings are related, but there definitely were several related and have been rival gangs in retaliation for other shootings….
Any suggestions?
````````````````````
Many communities have serious problems with gangs. There are many kinds of gangs, but whatever kind you community is dealing with, gangs spell trouble. They cause fear, destroy property, threaten or hurt peaceable residents, and drive out businesses.
Parents can do a lot to prevent gang problems or top reduce gag problems already in place. Most important, there’s a lot that parents like you can do to keep your own children from joining gangs:
· Join with others to make or keep your neighborhood gang free.
· Learn about gangs and signs of gang activity.
· Sharpen your skills as a parent and use them.
Young people (as young as nine or ten) join gangs for reasons that makes sense to them, if not to adults. They give reasons like these:
· for excitement
· to be with friends
· to belong to a group
· to earn money
· to get protection
Gangs leave signs of their presence. Your child may adopt some of those signs as either a gang member or an imitator:
· gang symbols on walls as graffiti or on books or clothing
· major and negative behavior changes, such as worse grades, staying out without good reason, "hanging" with known or suspected gang members, carrying weapons, wearing certain kinds and colors of clothing in very specific ways, and possessing unexplained relatively large sums of money
· special hand signals
· specific colors or emblems
Many gang members say they joined because the gang offered them support, caring, and a sense of order and purpose - al the things that most parents try to give their kids. The odds are that the better you meet these needs, the less need you children will see for gangs.
Here are some parenting skills that are especially important:
·Do everything possible to involve your children in supervised, positive group activities
·Do everything possible to prevent dropping out
·Help your kids identify positive role models and heroes - especially people right in your community
·Know what your children are doing and whom they are with. Know about their friends and their friends’ families
·Praise them for doing well and encourage them to do their very best - to stretch their skills to the utmost
·Put a high value on education and help your child to do his or her best in school
·Talk with listen to your child. Spend some special time with each child
Don’t forget to talk about gangs. The best time is before there’s a major problem.
Tell your child that:
· family members don’t keep secrets from each other
· you an other parents are working together against gangs
· you disapprove of gangs
· you don’t want to see your child hurt or arrested
· you see your child as special, and worth protecting
· you want to help your child with problems
Everyone (except gang members) wants a gang-free community. Parents stand to lose the most -- the well-being or even the life of a child -- if gangs take or keep hold. But gangs are often violent and intimidating.
What can you do in the face of this?
· Develop positive alternatives. Are there after-school and weekend activities kids can enjoy? Can the school offer its facilities? Can parents organize clubs or sports? Can older kids tutor or mentor younger ones? Can the kids themselves help with ideas?
· Get organized against the gang organization. Use your neighborhood association or a new group. Get help from a variety of sources right in you community. Try these kinds of people in addition to the police, priest or minister, family counselor, community association, school counselor or principal, athletic coach, Boys & Girls Clubs, YMCA / YWCA, Scouts, drug abuse prevention groups, youth-serving agencies, and community centers - just to name a few.
· Talk with other parents. For one thing, you’ll find out what everyone else’s parent really said. For another, you can support each other and share knowledge that will help spot problems sooner than you can on your own.
· Work with police and other agencies. Report suspicious activity, set up a Neighborhood Watch or a community patrol; let the police know about gang graffiti, get (and share with other parents) the facts on the gang problem in your community, find out what local services - nonprofit as well as government - will work with communities against gangs.
Online Parent Support
Behavior Problems at School
Recently my husband and I started your program. We started the
program because of the problem of constant In School Suspension for my
13 yr old son. He is defiant. His last time in ISS was because of
chewing gum in Music class. He was told to spit it out and then was
later seen with gum again. He spent 3 days in ISS. Yesterday he somehow
exploded his milk at lunch and wet himself and his food. This resulted
in him loosing lunch, it was not replaced at school, and the school
gave him one week in the back of the lunchroom by himself. 2-3 hours
later my husband was able to take him dry clothes. I try very hard to
support the school in order to show my son my support for their
decisions. However, I find some of the consequences from the school as
excessive. Am I wrong and just being over protective? What sort of
punishment should I do at home for his trouble in school? The school is
threatening to send him to a behavior school that even they think may do
more harm than good. He was in 1/2 day ISS today for arguing with his
teacher about a complete sentence. What can I do? ~ J.
Click here for my response...
Wilderness Programs?
Mark,
I've been browsing through your website in particular "Help for Struggling Teens".
I have in the past looked at wilderness camps in Canada and also a military academy in Canada (with him having a juvenile record would prevent him from traveling to the U.S). I'm not sure if these would be options for Jordan after he is released from the young offenders centre. He does receive help there as well. Would a private facility or a government run residential or wilderness be beneficial to him after he is released (which is May 30). A government run facility would be accessed through Children and Family Services (this was something the judge had ordered they be involved prior to his release for further assessment and treatment). When I contacted them a month ago I got the impression they aren't too willing to be involved.
We did speak to J___ about this possibly happening this weekend when we saw him. We told him his behaviours have to change. Do you know of any reputable programs in Canada? We had sent J___ to a boarding school when he was in grade 7 and he was expelled after 4 months and we ended with non-refunded tuition, which was expensive, so I'm apprehensive about this.
There are 2 wilderness programs I've researched some - one is private and is about a 2 hour flight away – it’s on Vancouver Island. The other one has to be accessed through Child and Family Services or AADAC and is a 2 hour drive from our place. Both are in the mountains. The website for Vancouver Island is www.canadventure.ca and the other is Enviros Wilderness School Association - Base Camp. I'm not sure if these should be alternatives to follow-up after his custody part. Your opinion would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
E.
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Hi E.,
I’m not a big fan of Wilderness Programs, Boot Camps, or Brat Camps. Research suggests they are not very effective in the long term. Boarding schools, however, do have a much better track record. The ones I’m familiar with in Canada are:
· Brentwood College School
· Bronte College of Canada
· Havergal College
· Ridley College
· Rosseau Lake College
· Sedbergh School
· Shawnigan Lake School
· St. Andrew's College
· St. Michaels University School
· Stanstead College
· The Bishop Strachan School
I cannot comfortably recommend any other alternatives.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I've been browsing through your website in particular "Help for Struggling Teens".
I have in the past looked at wilderness camps in Canada and also a military academy in Canada (with him having a juvenile record would prevent him from traveling to the U.S). I'm not sure if these would be options for Jordan after he is released from the young offenders centre. He does receive help there as well. Would a private facility or a government run residential or wilderness be beneficial to him after he is released (which is May 30). A government run facility would be accessed through Children and Family Services (this was something the judge had ordered they be involved prior to his release for further assessment and treatment). When I contacted them a month ago I got the impression they aren't too willing to be involved.
We did speak to J___ about this possibly happening this weekend when we saw him. We told him his behaviours have to change. Do you know of any reputable programs in Canada? We had sent J___ to a boarding school when he was in grade 7 and he was expelled after 4 months and we ended with non-refunded tuition, which was expensive, so I'm apprehensive about this.
There are 2 wilderness programs I've researched some - one is private and is about a 2 hour flight away – it’s on Vancouver Island. The other one has to be accessed through Child and Family Services or AADAC and is a 2 hour drive from our place. Both are in the mountains. The website for Vancouver Island is www.canadventure.ca and the other is Enviros Wilderness School Association - Base Camp. I'm not sure if these should be alternatives to follow-up after his custody part. Your opinion would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
E.
``````````````````````
Hi E.,
I’m not a big fan of Wilderness Programs, Boot Camps, or Brat Camps. Research suggests they are not very effective in the long term. Boarding schools, however, do have a much better track record. The ones I’m familiar with in Canada are:
· Brentwood College School
· Bronte College of Canada
· Havergal College
· Ridley College
· Rosseau Lake College
· Sedbergh School
· Shawnigan Lake School
· St. Andrew's College
· St. Michaels University School
· Stanstead College
· The Bishop Strachan School
I cannot comfortably recommend any other alternatives.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Boarding Schools?
We are considering boarding schools. Do you know or can you recommend a school that could help and may be able to work with me concerning finances? My financial situation does not allow me to apply for loans or credit cards. Thank you.
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Here are some important considerations when looking at the boarding school option:
You can eliminate some of the hundreds of choices by determining the factors that are most important to you and your child. Your child should be an integral part of this decision making process. Some of those factors are:
· Climate and environment? Just must have a beach? Horses? Skiing? Summer year around? Four seasons? A place of solitude or urban sites and sounds?
· Co-ed or single sex?
· Cost? Your allowance may not cover all the expenses. Most expenses will be paid if you are eligible for an away from post (boarding) education allowance, however, if the school of choice exceeds the average boarding school, or the school has many additional expenses not included in the basic cost, you may find yourself with lots of out of pocket expenses. Distance from the post may also add airfare costs if further than the distances priced. (See FAQ's for more information on how the allowance is calculated.) You can find the current away from post education allowance in the table of allowances (section 920).
· How many of the students are international? You will discover that the child who grew up in an international environment will often seek out contact with other children who feel not entirely comfortable with the American culture. Whether they are American children brought up overseas or not even American at all; these TCKs (Third Culture Kids) are a unique culture. Not quite American, not quite anything else!
· Level of support for boarders? How accessible are counselors and staff? How does the communication system work to parents? Who notices that a student needs assistance?
· Level of technology provided? Many boarding schools are very much a part of the technology age and wired for computers and email. Others are not.
· Mostly a day school or mostly boarding? It can make a difference to a child if most of the students are day students or five-day boarders and leave for most weekends. Full-time boarders could be left with few activities and no where to go. If you will not have relatives or friends committed to being available for weekends, be sure you choose a school with lots of weekend activities. Some schools have Saturday morning classes and few weekends or holidays on which they are closed. Some schools have few boarders while others are 100 percent boarding.
· Range of academics? Every type of school is available, from the most competitive college prep to the more average or supportive environments.
· Size? Some schools are intimate, less than 100 students, while others can be 500-1,000, or more.
· Special offerings for the arts? Performance or enjoyment level?
· Specialties? Military? Religious preference? Special needs?
· Sports available? Somewhere, everything is available but the level of play will vary. Are you hoping for an athletic scholarship to a college or pure enjoyment of a lifetime sport?
· Uniforms or special codes of conduct? Dress codes, honor codes, drug testing. Under which guidelines will you and your child be comfortable?
· When to make the move? There are a few schools in the U.S. which offer junior boarding (eighth grade and lower) but that is more common in the UK or Europe. Schools in the northeastern U.S. often have the largest influx of students at tenth grade (children attend private day schools through grade nine) while others generally have most students entering at ninth grade. Some schools do not admit seniors. Some schools will accept new mid-year students at any level. One can always ask.
· Where? Though it is always important to be near a source of support, either close friends or relatives, consideration should also be given to connections to airports. Many boarding schools will help with transportation to and from the airport. Do you want your child to be in the U.S. or in Europe or some other location in closer proximity to where you are?
The Application Process— The application process for a boarding school can be similar to college. There are forms to fill out, fees to pay, tests to take, transcripts to send, and letters of references required. An interview may not be required or you may be able to do it over the phone. A visit to the school is certainly recommended so you know if the school is a good fit.
The SSAT, an SAT for secondary school admission, is often required. You can receive information from their web site: http://www.ssat.org. Flexible (flex) test sites and times can be arranged, if necessary, in addition to the regularly scheduled dates and locations. Ask your CLO or the FLO for more information on this.
Many schools will offer some level of financial aid but this too must be competed for at an early point in the application process. Most schools have limited funds for tuition assistance. If you find your circumstances have changed, such as if you no longer qualify for an education allowance when you return to the States for an assignment but would like your teen to continue at the boarding school, let the school know. They might be able to assist with more financial aid.
Ask the schools or FLO for student referrals at a particular boarding school so your child can begin an email communication with someone there to ask those questions that the admissions people might not answer as easily.
The same advice holds true for boarding school visits as you might have for colleges, if you know a boarding school is in the future try to visit a few. The visits will give you a baseline to compare others. It will help you prioritize the various factors and choices that are important to you and to your child. You can see if that dorm room or cafeteria or mountaintop setting will be as important a factor as it seemed at first.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Parents' Tips for "Sibling Bullying"
Dear Mark. My daughter is using your advice and is very happy and has gained a new confidence already. It is a great relief for all of us. My daughter J___ today called me down (she lives close by) because of a problem associated with her daughter (my grand-daughter). The grand-daughter refused to do as she was told and so J___, as a punishment, took her computer from her. Which was OK but then the problem-daughter B___ started bullying her little sister, taking her venom out on her. That's when J___ called me down because some violence erupted as a result of J___ trying to keep the younger sister out of it all. B___ is 13 years old. She is adopted and her step-father will have nothing to do with her. In fact the step-father is prepared to show hatred if the opportunity arises. So B___ has had a bad time in her youth and we have all been trying to help her because our sympathy is with her. Still, she cannot keep getting out of control. What do you suggest about B___ bullying her younger sister when she is being punished herself. My compliments. ~ A.
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Hi A.,
Bullying should only be verbal. Physical aggression or real meanness between siblings is a sign of displaced angry feelings.
Although the child being victimized appears to get your sympathy, that child needs to learn an effective defense, which you can teach.
==> JOIN Online Parent Support
Implementing what is known as the Talk-Walk-Squawk rule in your household can be effective, especially in empowering younger children who are being bullied.
Talk - The child being bullied should be taught to use words of empowerment to their siblings such as “stop” and “I’m not afraid of you.”
Walk - The bullied child should then walk away from the scene.
Squawk - The bullied child should tell a parent or a trusted adult about the incident. It’s important to make sure they know this is not “tattling” but a way to work on a solution to their problem.
Countering the bullying-behavior includes:
· Help each child learn skills for handling their emotions – They may not understand or know a better way to express their disappointment, hurt or anger.
· Making sure each child adheres to the rules – There must be clear consequences when breaking the rules and you must be consistent in your enforcement of these consequences.
· Making sure each child knows the household rules – There should not be any hitting or pushing.
Here are a few questions that may help in that process of understanding the bullying behavior:
· How is the child’s home life? Children do learn by example and even though it may be difficult for some parents, an honest assessment of their home environment is necessary.
· Have your child’s circle of friends changed? Any new friend in the picture? Never under estimate the influence of other children. Your child may now be newly exposed to the power of bullying – on the giving end or receiving end. This includes cyber-bullying.
· Has your child had any major lifestyle changes such as moving to a new neighborhood/school, death of close relative, parental divorce or remarriage? Your child may be acting out his frustration and difficulty dealing with their emotions on anyone they can.
· Does the bullying sibling focus on only one child? This may be sibling rivalry gone awry and it could have more to do with you (getting your attention) than with the child he/she bullies.
Given the normal amount of teasing and bickering in any family, it can be difficult for parents to know where to draw the line. Ideally, we want our children to learn to work out disagreements among themselves. But when is adult intervention necessary?
Here’s a good rule of thumb:
Behavior that would be unacceptable between two unrelated children is unacceptable between two siblings. When one child intentionally and consistently hurts or frightens a smaller or less powerful sibling, that’s bullying — and it needs to stop.
Refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management Chapter – Online Version of the eBook] for specific steps.
Mark Hutten, M.A.
==> JOIN Online Parent Support
More articles.....
During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?
Click here for full article...
------------------------------
Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a
battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected.
After all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be
so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is
occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.
Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
Click here for the full article...
Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
Click here for the full article...
------------------------------
The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical”
teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with
serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages,
self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with
the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of
the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to
control.
Does your material work on kids who don't live with you...?
Hi Mark,
I found your website in my search for guidance on handling rage-filled, rebellious teens. I am sure I'm not in a unique situation, (though it feels like it) and wondered if your information would help when it's a divided home setting.
To make a long story somewhat shorter, my husband got custody of his 4 children when his youngest was 3. Their mother walked out on them. I married him when she was 5, and was mother to all of the kids. The 2 oldest refused to see their bio mom (at about ages 13 and 14 - she mentally and physically abused them, alcoholic, addicted to prescriptions due to a back injury, you get the picture). The middle child saw bio-mom about 40 days a year (per parenting agreement) until she was 13 then refused to see her (drunk, bringing strange men over, etc.). Our youngest, out of all the children though, has steadfastly seen bio-mom, and 2 years ago wanted to start living there 1/2 time and with us 1/2 time when she was 11. She is now 13.
She has been struggling with her sexuality, and has had major upheavals with her friends. She is full of anger and if anyone (family or friend) does something she doesn't like, or agree with, she explodes. A "girlfriend" apparently liked another girl, and that set her off and she downed 10 Tylenol, then told us, so she was taken to the ER and then to a psychiatric hospital for a few days. During that stay, she announced she wanted her mother to be her legal guardian and to live there full time. This was at the end of November of last year.
During this whole timeframe, and months previously, she's been in therapy for counseling. It's not doing any good. The therapist will say she won't accept responsibility for any of her behaviors or any of her actions. And if she doesn't want to get better, she won't.
About 10 days after she got out of the psychiatric hospital, she was at our house. And she lied one lie too many. My husband and she had a major blow-up and he was tired of the disrespect. She threatened to run away, and he thought "take her to her mother's or have to call the police". So he took her to her mother's. And though we've tried repeatedly to have sessions with her, with the counselor, trying to arrange family dinners (she has siblings that she is also not seeing and rarely talking to as well), all she does is blame us. We kicked her out. We don't love her. Yadda. But we also know that she is at her mother's because there is no discipline at all. She hangs with the wrong crowd over there, her mother is on morphine and about 4 other "prescribed" meds so is in zombie land most of the time, her grades are the worst they've ever been (currently flunking 4 classes), and of course, we're to blame because we kicked her out of the house. She's getting into in school suspensions, being disrespectful to her teachers, etc.
The therapist says for my husband (as our daughter's rage is directed at him personally) to continue reaching out to her as it takes away her excuse -- if we are trying to see her and she's the one refusing, then she can't blame us. I guess that is the theory anyway.
My dilemma is this: Does your material work on kids who don't live with you, and who are being (I think brainwashed) by the ex-spouse who is just as angry and bitter at being divorced, and having 3 of her children do to her what this last one is doing to us? To me, our youngest daughter is a possession for her. A prize. A way to get additional monies from us each month. The bio mom wants to be the cool mom. The friend. The come hang at our house mom. The mom who lets high school kids take her child in their car and our daughter doesn't even know them -- but hey, they are a ride to a school event because zombie mom can't drive her. Sorry, I digress.
Can one-sided attempts by us using your information somehow get through to our daughter? All we can do is email or text her, and she doesn't respond. She is sinking fast, is on medication herself for depression, and I'm just at my wits end. Therapy is a joke and she's heading for disaster. Her sisters say she's a punk and they are tired of her b.s. and don't want to even talk to her. And if they do, it's all about safe subjects.
If you have any ideas, or even direction you can point me to for help, I'd SURE appreciate it.
Thanks so much in advance for your time and help,
B.
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Hi Beth,
Re: Does your material work on kids who don't live with you...
If your child does not live with you, but is dependent on you financially, partially or fully -- the program will work. Otherwise, it probably won't.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I found your website in my search for guidance on handling rage-filled, rebellious teens. I am sure I'm not in a unique situation, (though it feels like it) and wondered if your information would help when it's a divided home setting.
To make a long story somewhat shorter, my husband got custody of his 4 children when his youngest was 3. Their mother walked out on them. I married him when she was 5, and was mother to all of the kids. The 2 oldest refused to see their bio mom (at about ages 13 and 14 - she mentally and physically abused them, alcoholic, addicted to prescriptions due to a back injury, you get the picture). The middle child saw bio-mom about 40 days a year (per parenting agreement) until she was 13 then refused to see her (drunk, bringing strange men over, etc.). Our youngest, out of all the children though, has steadfastly seen bio-mom, and 2 years ago wanted to start living there 1/2 time and with us 1/2 time when she was 11. She is now 13.
She has been struggling with her sexuality, and has had major upheavals with her friends. She is full of anger and if anyone (family or friend) does something she doesn't like, or agree with, she explodes. A "girlfriend" apparently liked another girl, and that set her off and she downed 10 Tylenol, then told us, so she was taken to the ER and then to a psychiatric hospital for a few days. During that stay, she announced she wanted her mother to be her legal guardian and to live there full time. This was at the end of November of last year.
During this whole timeframe, and months previously, she's been in therapy for counseling. It's not doing any good. The therapist will say she won't accept responsibility for any of her behaviors or any of her actions. And if she doesn't want to get better, she won't.
About 10 days after she got out of the psychiatric hospital, she was at our house. And she lied one lie too many. My husband and she had a major blow-up and he was tired of the disrespect. She threatened to run away, and he thought "take her to her mother's or have to call the police". So he took her to her mother's. And though we've tried repeatedly to have sessions with her, with the counselor, trying to arrange family dinners (she has siblings that she is also not seeing and rarely talking to as well), all she does is blame us. We kicked her out. We don't love her. Yadda. But we also know that she is at her mother's because there is no discipline at all. She hangs with the wrong crowd over there, her mother is on morphine and about 4 other "prescribed" meds so is in zombie land most of the time, her grades are the worst they've ever been (currently flunking 4 classes), and of course, we're to blame because we kicked her out of the house. She's getting into in school suspensions, being disrespectful to her teachers, etc.
The therapist says for my husband (as our daughter's rage is directed at him personally) to continue reaching out to her as it takes away her excuse -- if we are trying to see her and she's the one refusing, then she can't blame us. I guess that is the theory anyway.
My dilemma is this: Does your material work on kids who don't live with you, and who are being (I think brainwashed) by the ex-spouse who is just as angry and bitter at being divorced, and having 3 of her children do to her what this last one is doing to us? To me, our youngest daughter is a possession for her. A prize. A way to get additional monies from us each month. The bio mom wants to be the cool mom. The friend. The come hang at our house mom. The mom who lets high school kids take her child in their car and our daughter doesn't even know them -- but hey, they are a ride to a school event because zombie mom can't drive her. Sorry, I digress.
Can one-sided attempts by us using your information somehow get through to our daughter? All we can do is email or text her, and she doesn't respond. She is sinking fast, is on medication herself for depression, and I'm just at my wits end. Therapy is a joke and she's heading for disaster. Her sisters say she's a punk and they are tired of her b.s. and don't want to even talk to her. And if they do, it's all about safe subjects.
If you have any ideas, or even direction you can point me to for help, I'd SURE appreciate it.
Thanks so much in advance for your time and help,
B.
``````````````````````````
Hi Beth,
Re: Does your material work on kids who don't live with you...
If your child does not live with you, but is dependent on you financially, partially or fully -- the program will work. Otherwise, it probably won't.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Is this a hard and fast rule we should stick to or is this not reasonable?
Hi Mark, Thank you so much for your reply and suggestions. They all sound very reasonable and sound. We have been very happy about J___'s attitude and although still skeptical, as he can sweet talk us at time, it is looking good. Our initial 1st assignment talk went well with both our Sons. We did it seperately due to a surprising incident with our 21 year old son. We planned to sit down with both of them on Sunday where schedules permit a time when we can all gather.
Friday night, P___ announced his plan to get a tatoo at the same time his girlfriend is getting one (on her 18th birthday, her parents don't like it but did not forbid it) Our ban on tatoos and piercings while they live under our roof, has always been all very open and steadfast. So we were confronted with this situation. When I stood my ground, our calm ever respectful son erupted! His reaction was just like we would expect from J___. He was shocked and we were as well. We kept our poker faces on. He managed to end the conversation with a very respectful " I understand where you are coming from and I will take it into consideration" Then he walked away and barely spoke to us until we had our talk with him today. Saturday he did tell his Dad that he was not getting the tatoo but did not know if he could live here any longer. Today he said, when we started with the apology.. that he had no complaints about our parenting VS J___ who thanked us for our apolgy. He said he liked living with us, so guess My husband does not get his office right away :)
P___ is had been making plans to move out this Summer. Our next step with him in our new parenting program... Rent and Home duties. For J___, we are taking issues as they come. He has been grounded for a while for his grades, tardies, lying et (old rules). He now has a home project (painting our well house) and when completed his grounding will be done. We have not mentioned or nagged about when he is going to do it... it's all in his control and although not finished yet.....it will be when he decides. His time on the computer has been limited and we bought software to monitor his use. He will gain more time as he proves he can stay within the current rules of the Computer.
I know this is getting long but wanted to share with you our experience thus far. I do have one more question at this time. We had set for P___ and now for J___ that they had to attain & maintain a B average to drive. P___ no problem... J___ another story. J___ just turned 16 on March 17th and currently does not have the grades to qualify. He has his permit and gets some driving each week. Is this a hard and fast rule we should stick to or is this not reasonable? Again, Thank You Thank You... We feel we are moving at a better pace than hoped for. At the moment... J___ is sweet and P___ is talking to us again. .... Happy Days.. I'll take'm! A.
Friday night, P___ announced his plan to get a tatoo at the same time his girlfriend is getting one (on her 18th birthday, her parents don't like it but did not forbid it) Our ban on tatoos and piercings while they live under our roof, has always been all very open and steadfast. So we were confronted with this situation. When I stood my ground, our calm ever respectful son erupted! His reaction was just like we would expect from J___. He was shocked and we were as well. We kept our poker faces on. He managed to end the conversation with a very respectful " I understand where you are coming from and I will take it into consideration" Then he walked away and barely spoke to us until we had our talk with him today. Saturday he did tell his Dad that he was not getting the tatoo but did not know if he could live here any longer. Today he said, when we started with the apology.. that he had no complaints about our parenting VS J___ who thanked us for our apolgy. He said he liked living with us, so guess My husband does not get his office right away :)
P___ is had been making plans to move out this Summer. Our next step with him in our new parenting program... Rent and Home duties. For J___, we are taking issues as they come. He has been grounded for a while for his grades, tardies, lying et (old rules). He now has a home project (painting our well house) and when completed his grounding will be done. We have not mentioned or nagged about when he is going to do it... it's all in his control and although not finished yet.....it will be when he decides. His time on the computer has been limited and we bought software to monitor his use. He will gain more time as he proves he can stay within the current rules of the Computer.
I know this is getting long but wanted to share with you our experience thus far. I do have one more question at this time. We had set for P___ and now for J___ that they had to attain & maintain a B average to drive. P___ no problem... J___ another story. J___ just turned 16 on March 17th and currently does not have the grades to qualify. He has his permit and gets some driving each week. Is this a hard and fast rule we should stick to or is this not reasonable? Again, Thank You Thank You... We feel we are moving at a better pace than hoped for. At the moment... J___ is sweet and P___ is talking to us again. .... Happy Days.. I'll take'm! A.
---------------------------------
Hi A.,
Two points:
1) Your 21-year-old really should be out on his own by now.
2) Re: driving. Self-reliance is key. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, always ask yourself the following question:
“Will this action that I'm about to take promote the development of self-reliance in my child, or will it inhibit such development?”
If what you are about to say or do is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don’t!
Having the ability to drive oneself to and from school, work, etc, is a form of self-reliance, and withholding such ability promotes dependency (you have to take him places).
“Will this action that I'm about to take promote the development of self-reliance in my child, or will it inhibit such development?”
If what you are about to say or do is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don’t!
Having the ability to drive oneself to and from school, work, etc, is a form of self-reliance, and withholding such ability promotes dependency (you have to take him places).
Therefore, he should be able to drive until he abuses the privilege, in which case he loses the privilege for 1 – 3 days depending on the seriousness of the violation.
How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?
Hi Mark,
First let me say that my husband and I feel that finding your website and ordering your ebook have been heaven sent. We will have our sit down discussion with our two boys, P___ 21 and J___ 16. We have already started the poker face and requesting a task or chore when they request a privilege. It has shown great results already and I hope paved the way a bit into our family talk.
J (16) was the one we were having anger issues with, P has always been very sweet...we realize now.... both were used to manipulate us. I would have never considered myself indulgent until I read your definition… oh boy am I!
I know I will have more questions for you as we go along but I have one now that I could really use some suggestions on.
J has a friend who has dropped out of school, no job and we feel not a good influence at all. He is from a broken family and just went to live with Dad, but that fell apart very quickly and he is back.... We thought our prayers were answered with him leaving the state. How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?
Thank you in advance for taking the time to reply and thank you so much for the wonderful counseling you are offering to help us Desperate Parents,
A. and M.
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Hi A.,
You may not be comfortable about your son's choice of friend. This may be because of his image, negative attitude, or serious behavior (e.g., alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors, etc.).
Here are some suggestions:
- Check whether your concern about his friend is real and important.
- Do not attack your son's friend. Remember that criticizing his choice of friends is like a personal attack.
- Encourage reflective thinking by helping him think about his actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
- Encourage his independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
- Get to know this friend if possible. Invite him into your home so you can talk and listen to him, and introduce yourself to his parents.
- Help your son understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he really is).
- If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your son about his behavior and choices -- not the friend.
- Keep the lines of communication open and find out why this friend is so important to your son.
- Let your son know of your concerns and feelings.
- Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.
No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, he must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).
And you must ensure that your teen knows that he is loved and valued as an individual at home.
Mark
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More articles:
During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?
Click here for full article...
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Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a
battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected.
After all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be
so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is
occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.
Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
Click here for the full article...
Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
Click here for the full article...
------------------------------
The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical”
teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with
serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages,
self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with
the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of
the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to
control.
What To Do When Your Teenager Comes Home Drunk
"Hello, we have just started to work through your book and it seems to be going well so far. However we need help about what to do if an incident happens again like last week - this has happened once before.
Be sure to clearly state your expectations regarding your daughter’s drinking and establish consequences for breaking rules. Your values and attitudes count, even though she may not always show it.
If one or more members of your immediate or extended family has suffered from alcoholism, your daughter may be more vulnerable to developing a drinking problem. She needs to know that for her, drinking may carry special risks.
Should your daughter come home under the influence, make sure she is in no immediate danger due to her alcohol use, but wait until she is sober to address the problem. When she sobers up, say/do the following:
1. Say (with your best poker face), "I noticed you came in intoxicated last night. I felt shocked and worried."
2. Next, Listen. Give your daughter a chance to speak (although all you're going to hear is a line of bullshit; she will be angry with you for confronting her and will want you to get off her back; she will probably deny that she drank any alcohol; even if she admits to drinking, she will most likely blame someone else for the drinking episode).
3. Then say, "The house rule is no drinking before the age of 21. If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and you will be charged with minor consumption."
4. End on a positive note by saying, "To help you be successful with following this house rule, I will provide discipline, structure, added supervision, and spot checks. I know you are more than capable of following this house rule - I have faith in you - I know you can do this!"
If your daughter has another drinking episode, follow through with the consequence you stated in step 3.
So here's the formula:
I noticed...
I felt...
--Listen--
The house rule is...
If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence, which is...
End on a positive note
If one or more members of your immediate or extended family has suffered from alcoholism, your daughter may be more vulnerable to developing a drinking problem. She needs to know that for her, drinking may carry special risks.
Should your daughter come home under the influence, make sure she is in no immediate danger due to her alcohol use, but wait until she is sober to address the problem. When she sobers up, say/do the following:
1. Say (with your best poker face), "I noticed you came in intoxicated last night. I felt shocked and worried."
2. Next, Listen. Give your daughter a chance to speak (although all you're going to hear is a line of bullshit; she will be angry with you for confronting her and will want you to get off her back; she will probably deny that she drank any alcohol; even if she admits to drinking, she will most likely blame someone else for the drinking episode).
3. Then say, "The house rule is no drinking before the age of 21. If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and you will be charged with minor consumption."
4. End on a positive note by saying, "To help you be successful with following this house rule, I will provide discipline, structure, added supervision, and spot checks. I know you are more than capable of following this house rule - I have faith in you - I know you can do this!"
If your daughter has another drinking episode, follow through with the consequence you stated in step 3.
So here's the formula:
I noticed...
I felt...
--Listen--
The house rule is...
If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence, which is...
End on a positive note
He can sense the weakness in me...
Hi Mark,
I have finally realised that I'm in a situation of the tail wagging the dog! I need my son to go back to school – and to the school he was originally at, not to a new school.
I shall tell him that he will be going back to school after the holidays. But I am not sure what to say will be an appropriate consequence if he refuses to go back to school. Do I go say there will be negative consequences – no computer, no tv etc? Or do I offer positive consequences – bribery – eg new computer game?
I am worried because I know he can sense the weakness in me like a horse can sense a nervous rider. So I know I have to be firm, calm and confident when I speak to him.
Your thoughts would be appreciated,
Thanks,
S.
```````````````````````
Hi S.,
A good combination of both negative and positive reinforcers would be best. Example: The positive reinforcer (the carrot) would be that if he chooses to go to school, he will be allowed to have a friend spend the night on weekends. The negative reinforcer (the stick) would be that if he chooses to refuse to go to school, you will involve authorities (this assumes that school attendance is mandatory in Great Britain).
Mark
My Out-of-Control Child
I have finally realised that I'm in a situation of the tail wagging the dog! I need my son to go back to school – and to the school he was originally at, not to a new school.
I shall tell him that he will be going back to school after the holidays. But I am not sure what to say will be an appropriate consequence if he refuses to go back to school. Do I go say there will be negative consequences – no computer, no tv etc? Or do I offer positive consequences – bribery – eg new computer game?
I am worried because I know he can sense the weakness in me like a horse can sense a nervous rider. So I know I have to be firm, calm and confident when I speak to him.
Your thoughts would be appreciated,
Thanks,
S.
```````````````````````
Hi S.,
A good combination of both negative and positive reinforcers would be best. Example: The positive reinforcer (the carrot) would be that if he chooses to go to school, he will be allowed to have a friend spend the night on weekends. The negative reinforcer (the stick) would be that if he chooses to refuse to go to school, you will involve authorities (this assumes that school attendance is mandatory in Great Britain).
Mark
My Out-of-Control Child
My daughter has been caught stealing lately...
"My daughter has been caught stealing lately. What do you suggest in the way of a consequence?"
Kids of all ages - from preschoolers to teenagers - can be tempted to steal for different reasons:
· Elementary school kids usually know they're not supposed to take something without paying, but they may take it anyway because they lack enough self-control.
· Preteenagers and teenagers know they're not supposed to steal, but they may steal for the thrill of it or because their friends are doing it. Some might believe they can get away with it. As they're given more control over their lives, some teenagers may steal as a way of rebelling.
· Very young kids sometimes take things they want without understanding that things cost money and that it's wrong to take something without paying for it.
And there may be more complex reasons why some kids and teenagers steal. They may be angry or want attention. Their behavior may reflect stressful problems they're having at home, at school, or with friends. Some may steal as a cry for help because of emotional or physical abuse they're enduring at home.
In other cases, kids and teenagers might steal because they can't afford to pay for what they need or want - for example, they may steal to get popular name-brand items. In some cases, they may take things to support drug habits.
Whatever the reason for stealing, parents need to find out the root of the behavior and address other underlying problems, like drug abuse, that may surface.
When a kid has been caught stealing, a parent's reaction should depend on whether it's the first time or there's a pattern of stealing.
With very young kids, parents need to help them understand that stealing is wrong - that when you take something without asking or paying for it, it hurts someone else. If a preschooler takes a piece of candy, for instance, parents can help the kid return the item. If the kid has already eaten the candy, parents can take the kid back to the store to apologize and pay for it.
With school-age kids, too, it's important to return the stolen item. By the first and second grades, kids should know stealing is wrong. But they may need a better understanding of the consequences.
Here's an example: If a kid comes home with a friend's bracelet and it's clear the kid took it without the friend's permission, the parent should talk to the kid about how it would feel if a friend took something without asking first. The parent should encourage the kid to call the friend to apologize, explain what happened, and promise to return it.
When teenagers steal, it's recommended that parents follow through with stricter consequences. For example, when a teen is caught stealing, the parent can take the kid back to the store and meet with the security department to explain and apologize for what happened.
The kid's embarrassment at facing up to what he or she did by having to return a stolen item makes for an everlasting lesson on why stealing is wrong. Further punishment, particularly physical punishment, of the kid is unnecessary and may make the kid angry and more likely to engage in even worse behavior. If it's a first-time offense, some stores and businesses may accept a kid's or teen's apology and may not necessarily press charges. However, some stores may press charges the first time around. And there's often little sympathy for repeat offenders.
Kids of all ages need to know that shoplifting isn't just about taking things from a store - it's taking money from the people who run the businesses. Plus, shoplifting makes prices higher for other customers. They should also know that stealing is a crime and can lead to consequences far worse than being grounded, including juvenile detention centers and even prison.
If a kid steals money from a parent, the kid should be offered options for paying back the money, like doing extra chores around the house. It's important, however, that a parent doesn't bait the kid by leaving out money, in the hopes of catching the kid in the act. That could damage the sense of trust between a parent and kid.
If your kid has stolen on more than one occasion, you may consider getting professional help. Repeat offenses may indicate a bigger problem.
One third of juveniles who've been caught shoplifting say it's difficult for them to quit. So, it's important to help kids and teenagers understand why stealing is wrong and that they may face serious consequences if they continue to steal.
Others who may be able to talk to you and/or your kid about the problem and help you address it include a:
- family doctor (who may be able to refer you to a family therapist or counselor)
- family therapist or counselor
- minister, priest, or rabbi
- school counselor (especially if your kid is stealing from the school)
- support group, such as the National Association for Shoplifting Prevention, and Shoplifters Anonymous, which may be able to provide information or help (look in your phone book for groups in your area)
Although ordinary acts of theft or shoplifting can be deliberate, motivated by a need, a desire, peer pressure, or rebellion, in extremely rare cases, a person who steals may have kleptomania. With this disorder, which makes up a very small portion of all shoplifting cases, a person repeatedly fails to resist impulses to steal, even though the stolen object is of little value. Individuals with kleptomania often discard the objects after stealing them and also have other personality or eating disorders.
Whatever the underlying cause, if stealing is becoming a habit with your kid or teen, you may want to speak with a doctor or therapist to get to the cause of the behavior.
It is time for a new day...
Well, I like making long stories short. At first, when we discussed household chores I met with resistance. It was during this time, that I was able to ask my son...
What have your father and I ever done to make you think that we are out to get you? (That is that "friend"'s way of thinking.) I also asked him how he would feel if I said bad things about him, in front of his friends. How could he call me psychotic and embarrass me like that. Why? I have always been in your corner? Haven't I.
At the time, there was an opportunity to discuss these issues, so I did. And regardless of what happened in the past, it is time for a new day, and changes in both of us, all of us.
I thought you would like to hear some good news, and affirmation that your concepts/ideas work. Thanks again.
C.
Online Parent Support
What have your father and I ever done to make you think that we are out to get you? (That is that "friend"'s way of thinking.) I also asked him how he would feel if I said bad things about him, in front of his friends. How could he call me psychotic and embarrass me like that. Why? I have always been in your corner? Haven't I.
At the time, there was an opportunity to discuss these issues, so I did. And regardless of what happened in the past, it is time for a new day, and changes in both of us, all of us.
I thought you would like to hear some good news, and affirmation that your concepts/ideas work. Thanks again.
C.
Online Parent Support
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