Whose Problem Is It?

Hi Mark,

A million thanks!!! I had a thought/question. I know that I asked about R___'s responsibility for owning his acne regimen. Think your counsel was to leave it up to him 100% ...the work and the obvious natural consequences of not complying. Now here is a case where he DOES have a vested interest in the outcome and to date has done NOTHING.

A thought?

I think he is ADD and very easily discouraged. To date the various acne regimens have either not worked or temporarily made things worse …so my fear is that he has just given up. I KNOW this plays a BIG role in his self-esteem and mood as there is a DIRECT and understandable correlation between when this flares up and his poor attitude. Given all of this what would you think of this?

Create a chart for HIM and leave it with HIM in his room. The steps (there are a few?!) and a place for him to record observations and goals. That way he can say ...ok ...I did all of this and it got worse for 2 weeks ...but I did not expect to see improvement until week 4 ...so I have to stay the course and then re-evaluate? Then we would tell him that he needs to have this filled-in before he sees the doctor again?

I have an appt scheduled that I will cancel ...as it is so wasteful to go and have him tell them he did nothing or he lies and says he did? But I hate to see him in so much emotional pain needlessly?! So this way he can EARN the next doc visit and hopefully ultimately success?

Let me know if I am starting to get this?

Thanks SO much!!!

______________

You are definitely “starting to get this” (i.e., you’re thinking like I want you to think). But I still believe you’re taking on too much responsibility for HIS acne. If you want to throw this acne problem into the “chores” category, then I like your ideas. But I’m not sure that this is a ‘chore’ in the fullest sense of the term (we got some gray area here).

You said “he DOES have a vested interest in the outcome.” -- I’m not sure about this.

If I had a toothache and wanted to get rid of the pain, I don’t think I would just hope for it to go away. I’d go to the dentist, take the antibiotic he prescribed to get the abscessed tooth (i.e., infection) under control, then I would go back to have the tooth extracted. It’s my problem, my pain – and my solution.

Also, you said “this [acne problem] plays a BIG role in his self-esteem and mood.”

This sounds a bit too much like trying to find an excuse for his disrespect/poor choices (assuming some of that is going on). Does it [acne] really affect his self-esteem? Of course. But low self-esteem is no justification for any behavior problems he may be exhibiting.

I’d give your idea about the charts a try. If it is just another failed attempt (i.e., traditional parenting strategy) at addressing HIS problem, then “let go” of it (like we talked about in the last email).

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I made a new online friend...

Thanks Mark,

And I want to thank you for taking the time to talk with me last week.
It's been a rough week in the sense that my son is not the happiest camper, but I truly felt empowered, especially after talking with you.

I think we've made some headway and I think he's realizing that he's becoming an adult and has a responsibility to me and our household.

Oh and by the way, I made a new online friend later that day on your site. I chatted with a parent of a soon to be 18 year old, her name is Vicki and she's in Arizona. She and I have been chatting since that day and she's helped me out with a few suggestions on how to cope.

For you and her, I'll forever be grateful to have you both in my life during this trying time.

Thanks again and I'll be in touch!

~R.

Parent of a now 17-year-old young man

Join Online Parent Support

Can I Get a Certificate?

Hi S.

I've answered each of your questions below:

1) Is the e-book set up so that I must listen/observe 90 minute sessions on the computer at one sitting, or is it self-paced?

==> You go at your own pace.

2) Are all 4 sessions available to me at one time once I pay.

==> Yes.

3) Is there a certificate that you provide to parents or others who have worked through the workshops either on or offline?

==> Yes. When you feel you are ready to take a short easy quiz, just email and tell me you want to take the quiz so you can receive the certificate (it's an open ebook quiz by the way). Then I'll give you the quiz (via email), grade it, and send you your certificate (via email).

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

PC Tattletail

Also I am looking for some software to monitor my children's activity on the internet.
Any suggestions???

I am also thinking of disabling my daughters myspace account, as she has even had horrible arguments with friends on this site, which resulted in her taking off...
I do attempt to stand for a moment to monitor what they are doing, and get SCREAMED at as well as cursed at "you are so stupid, LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Horrible to have your child screaming at you and to have the tail wag the dog...

Thanks

K.

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Hi K.

Here's what I use in my house: PC-Tattletale Parental Control Software

Aspergers + Borderline Personality Disorder + Alcoholism = Big Challenge for Mom

Hi Mark,

I am half way through reading the ebook. As I have read many books of this nature, it is always a good reminder. While being an assertive parent already {although I realise I can brush up on my skills}, my latest challenge comes with many complexities.

My 15 year old daughter has had many different diagnosies from mild aspergers to borderline personality disorder, the latter being the most appropriate.

While I have been relatively successful with my power of influence I am having great difficulty in keeping her in at night as alcohol is her latest passion. She was involved or maybe I should say instigated an alcohol-induced decision to have a party at my parent’s house. This involved a lot of damage to the house and my fathers brand new Jaguar.

So as you can imagine this did not go over too well. She has suffered the consequences, which was an apology, loss of her allowance for 10 weeks and no internet access.

I know she felt very remorseful but her guilt led her to further involve herself in wrong doings. I knew I should have supported her but I just couldn't. I thought I was doing the right thing by telling her this. My exact words to her were "I know you need my support right now but I am hurting to much and I need some time." This basically resulted in a tail spin of aggression and bad behavior, which is now on the decline and hopefully in time she will earn back my respect.

Grounding has never worked for my daughter but up until Christmas she was allowed out one night of the weekend and was always home by 11:30 pm. I felt this was appropriate behavior. Now she goes out 2 nights over the weekend and sometimes won't come home till midday the next day. If I tell her she is grounded she throws a few obscenities at me and just leaves the house without my knowledge. When things get very tough for her she uses the power of manipulation to win me over, which entails asking me for help whether it be a detox program or a stay in private psychiatric clinic. Because she does have real problems I cannot deny her of this.

She is very mature for her age [most people think she is at least 18]. She is on medication for anxiety and depression. She has been hospitalised twice for overdosing and once long term for her depression. Do you have any helpful hints!

Should I ground here from youth group?

My daughter is 15 and very mean to me in the home. I am the disciplinarian, single parent. She is involved in youth group and very spiritual outside the home. We went to counseling with our paster but she still behaves badly with me. (I was just called an idiot by the way because I am typing to loud.) Is it "ok" to ground her for periods of time from youth group? It is her only activity.

B.

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Absolutely! Youth group attendance is a privilege, not a right.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Teens & Alcohol Drinking

Hi Ann,

>>>>>>>>>>>>> I’ve commented below.

Our 15 (almost 16 year old) son went to a friend’s house last night for a party.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Did he “earn” this privilege? If so, how?

The parents were home ...the grandmother was there ...they assured me that they would have a close eye on the kids and when I picked him up this morning them other assured me that they were all good. I know the boy whose house the party was at is wild and know that he bragged about having alcohol there. I picked my son up and he seemed fine.

I have software that allows me to monitor his conversations online. Others are typing him about his "condition" last night and he is bragging about not knowing what he was doing and typed that he was "hoaking" (may be a typo but wondering if this slang word means anything to you?!!?!)

I don’t know now what to do?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Hoaking? Who knows?

* 7.2 million adolescents drank at least once in the past year
* 2.7 million teens drank alcohol about once a month or more in the past year
* 1 million youths drank at least once a week or more in the past year
* Girls were as likely as boys their age to drink alcohol

Short of keeping him in the house 365 days a year, do the following:

Be sure to clearly state your expectations regarding his drinking and establish consequences for breaking rules. Your values and attitudes count, even though he may not always show it.

If one or more members of your immediate or extended family has suffered from alcoholism, your son may be more vulnerable to developing a drinking problem. He needs to know that for him, drinking may carry special risks.

Should he come home under the influence, make sure he is in no immediate danger due to alcohol abuse, but wait until he is sober to address the problem. When he sobers up, do the following:

Say (with your best poker face), "I’m concerned that you consumed alcohol the other night. I feel worried."

Next, Listen. Give your him a chance to speak (although all you're going to hear is a line of bullshit; he will be angry with you for confronting him and will want you to get off his back; he will probably deny that he drank any alcohol; even if he admits to drinking, he will most likely blame someone else for the drinking episode).

Then say, "The house rule is no drinking before the age of 21. If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and you will be charged with minor consumption."

End on a positive note by saying, "To help you be successful with following this house rule, I will provide discipline, structure, added supervision, and spot checks. I know you are more than capable of following this house rule - I have faith in you - I know you can do this!"

If your son has another drinking episode, follow through with the consequence you stated.


1. I have asked him and of course he denies anything went on.

2. Before when we have suspected foul play we have bluffed and he has confessed about being somewhere he should not be or having a SIP of booze...

I know that we have come down VERY hard on him for ANY of these events and as such he has been depressed and house bound ...as virtually all of the parties/houses he gets invited to I KNOW have alcohol and I think he has avoided all contact with kids because of this fear that he will get caught and it's not worth going out at all? That was why we let him go to this SUPERVISED party?! Let me know...

Thanks,

A.M.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com