He's called me every colourful 'F' word name in existence...

Mark,

I have just downloaded the ebook and I feel like a kid at Christmas time! Thank God someone somewhere in the world knows what Conduct Disorder actually is for a start and has some strategies to cope. A diagnosis is one thing, at least there is a name for it, but to be left hanging by schools and health services, or worse still, stared at blankly in ignorance is much harder to handle. We live in Australia, so far I have not found much in the way of help for my son or our family.

My son was diagnosed last year in what I thought was the height of his behaviour meltdown. Little did I know the worst was yet to come. He is just 15, currently reported missing from home since Sat (because I told him he couldn’t go out Fri. night as a consequence of him calling me every colourful F word name in existence for the previous 4 days). Sadly, this is common in our home, and has at times been accompanied by throwing furniture, bricks on glass door etc...(I have 2 other younger sons this behaviour effects also) It is more frustrating (dare I say embarrassing?) because I am a Police Officer myself....my child is out of control, has been expelled from school for a lengthy history of things, including drugs and violence and is currently enrolled in a behaviour modification school, and he has a drug and alcohol problem. (It seems very bad when I type it down, somehow I believe it's not that bad in my head sometimes.)

Well I could write a novel here but I am sure you have an idea how it would read. I look forward to working though the book.

Thank you for caring enough to try and save these kids,

B.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

A Parent's Spiritual Principle

Dear Members of Online Parent Support,

In case you don't know, I am a very spiritual person -- and I consider Online Parent Support to be a very spiritual place. I don't mean to sound "preachy," but I would have never made it without a deep faith in God.

God has truly blessed our website. And I believe he blesses members of Online Parent Support -- on a daily basis.

I want to share an important spiritual principle with you: What You Think About Expands. Let me help you wrap your brain around this concept.

If you believe, for example, that people cannot be trusted and that they are generally self-serving -- you will find a lot of untrustworthy, selfish individuals showing up in your life.

If you believe that your family will never experience any joy or peace -- you will find a lot of sadness and discontent arriving at your door step, not to mention living day-to-day in a near-constant state of depression and helplessness.

If you believe that your son or daughter is destined for a lifetime of failure and misery -- you're right!

Conversely, if you believe that people tend to want to live up to your trust and that they CAN be influenced to change unwanted behavior -- then you will attract numerous individuals who are trustworthy and capable of change.

If you believe that your family and children are a "work-in-progress" and that the best is yet to come -- then you will have patience with the parenting process and will see a constant, loving source of hope and reassurance for the future.

This is not hype I'm referring to here. Rather, this is a natural "law of the universe" ==> what you think about becomes your reality. We don't know why it works this way, but we have much evidence that it DOES work this way.

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

She actually bit me, like a two year old...

Mark, Thank you so much for the phone consultation on Memorial Day - it helped a great deal. We had a few relatively calm days (the usual yelling and cursing but no major outbursts), and over the weekend, another storm. I knew that my daughter was planning to go off with a group of the older "friends" that I don't know and she doesn't want me to meet. I had told her that she could only go to a Girl Scout meeting. Well, she tried to go off with the older "friends" - when I wasn't there and she thought that Grandma would let her get away with it. I'd asked my mother to call the troop leader, who happens to be a policewoman, if she tried anything, and she did call her. She was there in minutes and gave daughter a good talking to. I feel better about doing the AP grading now that she's involved. I am worried because my daughter is getting even more out of control. She was physically violent towards me again - said I provoked her. After she went over her two-hour computer time limit, I unplugged it from the phone line (we have dial up) and she actually bit me, like a two year old.  

 

>>>>>>>>>> I routinely recommend that the maximum time limit for computer use is 1 hour. Also, you and I had talked about your daughter not having internet access at all since it is a constant source of parent-child conflict (remember). 

 

She's also been talking about suicide, and I found out (been snooping again) that she's done searches on the internet about methods of suicide. She says she will be buried in her prom dress, and says things like "when you have a dead daughter you will be sorry for the way you treated me". She has also been cutting - I read the section in your ebook on that. She keeps yelling and cursing and the "I hate you's" are constant. Today I responded with "you're acting like a two year old who keeps saying no over and over." Because of her behavior, I took her iPod and she will have no computer time.  

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

 

>>>>>>>> I think we’ve covered this one in previous emails as well. This is a guilt trip that your daughter is going fishing for – I hope you’re not biting. 

 

 I know some of her threats to run away or kill herself are manipulation and just being a teenage drama queen, but worry about the suicide threats because, like I said on the phone, there's a history of bipolar on her father's side and depression on mine. She also talks about wanting to get drunk (there's alcoholism on both sides). When she threatened suicide again today, I came very close to calling crisis intervention but didn't, because I didn't want to give her the intensity she craves. 

 

 >>>>>>>> Great move! You’re working the program. Just keep on eye on her when she attempts to push your “suicide buttons.” 

 

I did say "most teenage suicide attempts do not work, can leave permanent disabilities, and if you try that it will go on your record and you will never be able to join the army" (she says that joining the army is her only reason for living – which I think is sick, but that's another topic...) Question - I know you said it's way too premature for boarding school, but when do you think residential placement is justified? 

 

 >>>>>>>>>> You may want to consider a brief residential placement for her now -- or maybe a short Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). This will give her a taste of treatment for mental illness (she may decide she doesn’t want to be sick), and it will give you a break from her.  

 

>>>>>>>>>>So I’m saying some people choose to be sick? Not exactly. For example, nobody chooses to be Bipolar, but they often choose to use their illness (a) as an excuse for poor choices and (b) as a crutch to avoid taking personal responsibility. 

 

 I'm worried about her safety - she tried to lock the door to her room, and I told her if she chose to do that, she was choosing to have the doorknob removed, and so far that worked, but I can't watch her 24/7. And I have to admit that I'd really like a break from her. I feel like my daughter is gone and I have to cope with this angry, disturbed stranger, her eyes empty and her face distorted with what seems like real hatred for me. It's extremely difficult to get my own work done because I'm constantly exhausted, emotionally and physically, from her.  

 

>>>>>>>>>> You should be concerned for her safety, but don’t let her know it. You may want to simply say, “If you choose to threaten suicide, you will choose being assessed at a mental health facility and risk being placed there for a while.” Then, if she threatens again, you need to take her in for an assessment and possibly have her committed for a brief period of time. 

 

Another question - I tried giving her a chore (just feeding the cat, and she responded with "in a bit") and didn't do it. What to do when she simply refuses to do a chore?

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

 

 >>>>>>>>>>> Then she loses a privilege (e.g., no use of the phone this evening). 

 

And, you said to give the teenager a hug. At the end of the day, I tell her I love her, but about half the time she refuses to let me hug her. She screams "get away from me" and "if you touch me I will fight you." Occasionally she tolerates a hug from me, but stands stiffly, arms at her side. Should I be doing anything differently?  

 

>>>>>>>>>> As long as you are giving her some form of physical touch, then you’re doing enough. It doesn’t have to be something as bold as a hug. A pat on the back, for example, will suffice.  

 

Thanks so much for all your help! S.  

 

>>>>>>>> You are a great student S.. I am very proud of you. Keep it rollin’.  

 

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

She needs to leave, and the sooner the better...

Hello Mark,

I sent you an email the other day about our daughter having a party in our house while we were gone and that she said she didn’t. Well we found beer in our fridge, etc. And lots of other stuff, and she sort of admitted to something going on in the house.

I spoke with her about my feelings and I am not okay with it, but I was able to say how I felt. My husband on the other hand is so upset about it that he isn’t speaking to her. This is often how he handles things with her and they just don’t talk.

I have to agree with my husband that she is very disrespectful to him and to me when she does talk about how she feels. He often has to leave the room, because she isn’t respectful. His stand on things is that she needs to leave and the sooner the better. I agree she needs to move out, but I don’t agree that he should not be speaking to her. They don’t even acknowledge each other in the same room. Her graduation is coming up and he doesn’t want to go. I feel in the middle all the time... Any suggestions? Is it right for him not to talk to her?

P.

````````````````

I would suggest staying out of it all together. Here’s why:

The more responsibility you take for the relationship between father and daughter – the less responsibility they will take. This is their problem to work out on their own terms. It’s not your problem unless you choose to make it so.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I'll Break Every Window In The House!

I have a 17-year-old son that has become increasingly defiant and angry with me (his mom), although I don't understand why because I've always been his number 1 supporter. Well, he skipped a couple of classes yesterday at school, so I gave him three days of grounding. He said he couldn't be grounded, because he had plans already established with his friends. I told him he would have to change them, that I expected him home after school. He said "no" - and he didn't come home after school.

He called me and told me if I decided to call the police to go find him, that "I" would face his wrath of him breaking every window in my house (he's never exhibited violence before). He has recently began saying "F__ you” to me, like it's normal behavior. I turned off his cell phone because of it, but it has made him even angrier.

I've read through the ebook, but either missed it, or didn't understand - how do you even begin to start putting the online plan into place when the teen isn't in the mindset to work with the parent? He has no fear, and could care less about the consequences - because he just does what he wants to do anyway.

`````````````````

In the case where the teenager refuses to accept any consequences, we issue one warning and then follow through with the consequence if the warning if it is ignored.

Say to your son, “If you choose not to accept my consequence for your poor choices, then you will choose to accept someone else’s consequence – the police and juvenile probation.”

Then if he refuses to accept your consequence, go to your local Juvenile Probation Department and file either a runaway or incorrigibility complaint.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

What should I do?

I do not know what to do anymore besides turn my 17-year-old son out of the home. His dad and myself have been divorced for quite some time (he was an alcoholic and after we divorced he pretty much abandoned my son and daughter). I met a man 5 years ago who has been an active part of my son’s life, but since we have been together my son has displayed constant negative behaviour (delinquent).

In December we got a call from the school principal who suspected my son was selling pot. When he came home my fiancé found it so we did what we thought was best and turned him in to the police. He was recommended to youth diversion. He is currently doing this program and just last night I came home from work to find a note left. My son said he had gotten a call from a friend to say her boyfriend was abusing her. He took my fiancés car keys (he wasn’t home at the time, he works offshore) and my son hit a concrete barricade and beat up his car. He doesn’t have a license or insurance. What should I do? If I turn him in to the police again, he will be charged.

Please help.

````````````````````````

As you may know from reading “My Out-of-Control Teen” eBook, over-indulgence is the main contributing factor to children’s behavior problems.

To save your son from painful emotions associated with his poor choice to drive without a license would be a form of over-indulgence. Thus, the recommendation would be to file an accident report with the police. Additionally, your son should be working to earn money to help pay for the damages.

Hold him accountable,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Things have gradually become a lot worse...

Dear Mark,

I would be grateful for any advice you could give me regarding my daughter, E___:

E___ is just 18 and has a younger brother (M___) age 15, she lives at home with both parents (myself & my husband) - we are both doctors and I have worked during their childhood.

She has always been very bright & done well academically at school but has found it hard to make friends. This is in contrast to her brother who finds schoolwork hard going but is very popular and easy-going. This led to problems in their childhoods, as various nannies & carers have found M___ much easier.

We have had a turbulent few teenage years but things have gradually become a lot worse with a number of problems -

Driving: she has the use of a car and has had 2 serious accidents - both her fault; and around 6 minor bumps all of which she refuses to take responsibility for. She has been on an advanced driving course and her car use restricted.

>>>>>>>>>> What does she do to earn car privileges? What is she doing to earn some money to help pay for damages to vehicles? How long is her use of the car restricted (should go no more than 7 days)?

Stealing: strongly suspect she has taken cash from me, husband & brother, also I am worried she has taken trinkets etc from shops - I have no proof and she vehemently denies it though.

>>>>>>>>>>> No proof = no consequence.

School: she has always wanted to be a vet and has an offer from the Royal Vet College (which means she has to get prescribed results in her A levels, which start on Monday) - she started to get fed up with the continual exams we now have in the UK education system about 18 months ago, which has led to a gradual decline in her work to such an extent that we don't think she will get the grades she needs.

>>>>>>>>>> If poor academic performance is a source of parent-child conflict, then please see the recommendation outlined in “Emails From Exasperated Parents” (online version of the eBook).

Her 18th birthday (May 2) was lovely - we had a celebration with relatives and then she went out with her friends, but since then she has become very angry and resentful - she often tells me what a bad mother I was, always tired from work and shouting at her - which unfortunately may be partly true. She makes hurtful personal remarks to all of us. She over-reacts in response to trivial comments and swears at all of us. She has become intractable over house rules. She now says she no longer wants to be a vet & doesn't care about her exams.

>>>>>>>>>> Re: hurtful, personal remarks— Use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (Anger Management chapter of the online version of the eBook).

We did have some success with your methods, but we are very worried now - she is 18, & supposedly an adult, so we feel we have to give her some leeway, but how do we draw the line - can we put a lot of this down to exam pressure?

>>>>>>>>>> As long as she is living in your house, she should abide by your house rules. So in this sense, there is no “leeway.” Leeway = over-indulgence. How is she preparing to launch (i.e., to leave the nest)? What is the deadline for her to be out on her own? Remember, we want to promote the development of self-reliance – not dependency.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com