Mark,
I am an Officer in the Canadian Forces Reserve (CIC) and my Branch of the CF deals with youth training (ages 12 to 19). I currently command my own unit. I am always dealing with youth who are either out-of-control, or have a tendency to get out-of-control. I also work with a Special Needs camp for teens with behavioral problems, and melt-downs are not uncommon. I have found your e-book and power point presentations an excellent source of information at opening up the line of communication with these kids.
My own children are 4 and 6. They are not out-of-control teens, but I feel that the information you have given me will allow me to set the ground rules to allow for a great "teen experience". I am fully aware of "inclusion," and I empower my kids now to behave well for me by allowing them to set the limits in a task, trip, or outing, so they feel like it's there work paying off. I know at age 6 the concept may be lost, but I feel what they learn from it will allow me to understand how to keep those lines of communication open down the road.
I would like to thank you for such great material. I hope I can change the lives of many more teens, as I have done much so far. However, it is only those who really want to change their lives that I have been able to help. They must make that decision as they under go their own journey.
T.T.
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
13-Year-Old Refuses To Go To Camp
Mark:
I have a 13-year-old who is refusing to go to a gifted and talented camp he registered for. He says he would not have if I hadn't pressured him to. I have explained he could have refused then as much as he is now. Our school spent over $500 on this. I do not have lots of money to pay it back and neither does he. I think he is afraid to do something alone and new. It is a week long and away from home. There are 2 others from his class of 10 that will be there, but both girls. He has gotten a little clingy at times--at others, he is willing to be gone for hours/overnight with no concern. Help!
J.
``````````````````````````
I wouldn’t force him to go. Is there anyone else who could take his place? We’re talking about separation anxiety here. Separation anxiety is excessive concern about separation from home or from those to whom the child is attached. The youngster may develop excessive worrying to the point of being reluctant or refusing to go to school, being alone, sleeping alone, going to camp, etc. Repeated nightmares and complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) may occur.
All children experience anxiety. Anxiety in children is expected and normal at specific times in development. For example, from approximately age 8 months through the preschool years, healthy youngsters may show intense distress (anxiety) at times of separation from their parents or other persons with whom they are close. Young children may have short-lived fears, (such as fear of the dark, storms, animals, or strangers). Anxious children are often overly tense or uptight. Some may seek a lot of reassurance, and their worries may interfere with activities. Parents should not discount a child’s fears. Because anxious children may also be quiet, compliant and eager to please, their difficulties may be missed. Parents should be alert to the signs of severe anxiety so they can intervene early to prevent complications.
Symptoms of separation anxiety include:
·constant thoughts and intense fears about the safety of parents and caretakers
·refusing to go to school
·frequent stomachaches and other physical complaints
·extreme worries about sleeping away from home
·being overly clingy
·panic or tantrums at times of separation from parents
·trouble sleeping or nightmares
Mark
I have a 13-year-old who is refusing to go to a gifted and talented camp he registered for. He says he would not have if I hadn't pressured him to. I have explained he could have refused then as much as he is now. Our school spent over $500 on this. I do not have lots of money to pay it back and neither does he. I think he is afraid to do something alone and new. It is a week long and away from home. There are 2 others from his class of 10 that will be there, but both girls. He has gotten a little clingy at times--at others, he is willing to be gone for hours/overnight with no concern. Help!
J.
``````````````````````````
I wouldn’t force him to go. Is there anyone else who could take his place? We’re talking about separation anxiety here. Separation anxiety is excessive concern about separation from home or from those to whom the child is attached. The youngster may develop excessive worrying to the point of being reluctant or refusing to go to school, being alone, sleeping alone, going to camp, etc. Repeated nightmares and complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) may occur.
All children experience anxiety. Anxiety in children is expected and normal at specific times in development. For example, from approximately age 8 months through the preschool years, healthy youngsters may show intense distress (anxiety) at times of separation from their parents or other persons with whom they are close. Young children may have short-lived fears, (such as fear of the dark, storms, animals, or strangers). Anxious children are often overly tense or uptight. Some may seek a lot of reassurance, and their worries may interfere with activities. Parents should not discount a child’s fears. Because anxious children may also be quiet, compliant and eager to please, their difficulties may be missed. Parents should be alert to the signs of severe anxiety so they can intervene early to prevent complications.
Symptoms of separation anxiety include:
·constant thoughts and intense fears about the safety of parents and caretakers
·refusing to go to school
·frequent stomachaches and other physical complaints
·extreme worries about sleeping away from home
·being overly clingy
·panic or tantrums at times of separation from parents
·trouble sleeping or nightmares
Mark
Prodigal Son Is Returning Home
I have however printed out the age appropriate behaviour/chore charts from the e-book and we are in the process of tailoring them to our household. I have one for our 9 yr old as well for fairness. I wanted to wait until C___ was home so that both S___ (his step dad) and I could talk to him together. I didn’t want to do it on the phone because C___ can, does and will play me at any given opportunity.
Before he left we told him that we would be changing the house around to accommodate for our growing family. C___ was previously staying in our sunroom, a huge room with access to the balcony. I know, I know.....he used it to full advantage....smoking outside....friends coming in the backdoor etc. We needed his old room for the baby because of its proximity to our room....anyway he will be going back to his old room.(and losing his teenage retreat!). In his absence we have converted the sunroom to a kids play/media room, with C___’s bed in there as a spare. We packed his things and they are in storage in the garage. I know that may sound harsh but we have been through this many times. It was cathartic for me to get in there and CLEAN IT OUT.
I guess what I'm asking is, was I wrong to store his things and convert his room? And do you think we are doomed to failure because I didn’t tell him immediately about our expectations of him, and wanted to show him a united front with his step dad. He has been very successful in the last 7 years at playing us off against each other, (well, playing me off against anyone that gets in his way really). Our plan was to tell him (together!) he is more than welcome to stay in the "spare" room initially and if he is willing to play by the rules, as setout in the above mentioned behaviour/chore chart, we will make up his old room for him.
I also am not allowing tv/games in bedrooms anymore, for the fact that he feels it is his right for the girlfriend to watch movies in there and they just happen to fall asleep. YEAH RIGHT. That will go down a treat. I am expecting loud vocal resistance to this, and many other things but as I said before, we are adamant to retain the peace in our home that has come about since he has gone, and I am prepared to tell him to go if he won’t tow the line.
I should have confidence in my decisions but I have never raised a teenager before, and especially one with Conduct Disorder. I guess I just need to know that our above decisions are ok? Or do you still think we will get punked?
```````````````````
Re: ...was I wrong to store his things and convert his room, and do you think we are doomed to failure because I didn’t tell him immediately about our expectations of him, and wanted to show him a united front with his step dad?
>>>>> No, you were not wrong ...and no, you are not doomed.
Re: ...do you still think we will get punked?
>>>>> I predict that, if you stick to your guns, things will get worse for a short period of time (10 - 30 days), then you will begin to see some significant and positive behavioral changes in your son.
I'm glad you have a united front ...this is terribly important.
State the expectations and the consequences for violating the expectations. If he chooses to violate a house rule, follow through with the consequence. If he refuses to accept the consequence and is adamant about operating under his own rules, then you should remove him from the home.
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
Before he left we told him that we would be changing the house around to accommodate for our growing family. C___ was previously staying in our sunroom, a huge room with access to the balcony. I know, I know.....he used it to full advantage....smoking outside....friends coming in the backdoor etc. We needed his old room for the baby because of its proximity to our room....anyway he will be going back to his old room.(and losing his teenage retreat!). In his absence we have converted the sunroom to a kids play/media room, with C___’s bed in there as a spare. We packed his things and they are in storage in the garage. I know that may sound harsh but we have been through this many times. It was cathartic for me to get in there and CLEAN IT OUT.
I guess what I'm asking is, was I wrong to store his things and convert his room? And do you think we are doomed to failure because I didn’t tell him immediately about our expectations of him, and wanted to show him a united front with his step dad. He has been very successful in the last 7 years at playing us off against each other, (well, playing me off against anyone that gets in his way really). Our plan was to tell him (together!) he is more than welcome to stay in the "spare" room initially and if he is willing to play by the rules, as setout in the above mentioned behaviour/chore chart, we will make up his old room for him.
I also am not allowing tv/games in bedrooms anymore, for the fact that he feels it is his right for the girlfriend to watch movies in there and they just happen to fall asleep. YEAH RIGHT. That will go down a treat. I am expecting loud vocal resistance to this, and many other things but as I said before, we are adamant to retain the peace in our home that has come about since he has gone, and I am prepared to tell him to go if he won’t tow the line.
I should have confidence in my decisions but I have never raised a teenager before, and especially one with Conduct Disorder. I guess I just need to know that our above decisions are ok? Or do you still think we will get punked?
```````````````````
Re: ...was I wrong to store his things and convert his room, and do you think we are doomed to failure because I didn’t tell him immediately about our expectations of him, and wanted to show him a united front with his step dad?
>>>>> No, you were not wrong ...and no, you are not doomed.
Re: ...do you still think we will get punked?
>>>>> I predict that, if you stick to your guns, things will get worse for a short period of time (10 - 30 days), then you will begin to see some significant and positive behavioral changes in your son.
I'm glad you have a united front ...this is terribly important.
State the expectations and the consequences for violating the expectations. If he chooses to violate a house rule, follow through with the consequence. If he refuses to accept the consequence and is adamant about operating under his own rules, then you should remove him from the home.
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
You Just Got Punked -- Again!
Hi Mark,
Good news (I hope). Just when I resigned myself to not having C___ back home with us in the near foreseeable future, he text messaged my phone requesting birth certificate and bank details because he has found a part time job. (Part time is good because it means he still intends to go to school). His own money is a worry because of his need to drink and smoke it. (And other drugs).
He came around home and visited briefly with his brothers, collected the above requested documents and left. I felt guarded and defensive, (and then guilty because being his mother I should've been more open and "loving"). He didn't know where he was going to be living, but he was clean and looked well, and was polite to myself and his brothers. He wanted to hold the baby and talk with my 9 yr old.
After he left I felt so bad I texted his phone and told him that I love him, even if I have trouble saying it at times. (And after a bit of self-discovery I realised I only have trouble saying it to him, not my other two sons??) He returned the message telling me that even though he hated me at times, and apologised for it, I was still his Mum an he loved me too. Thank God for modern technology because otherwise these sentiments would unsaid. Shame.
Anyway, as I was thinking of him today he texted me again and said he was thinking of coming home, if that was okay. I replied of course it was fine, but decided to leave the logistics until he returns. (The "rules", and if he doesn’t like them that he will have to go). Should I have told him then and there? This is the first time he has asked to come home of his own accord. We have physically dragged him home before.
He later messaged again asking for my help with work/tax related information so I called and he informed me that he would be returning in a few days. I still didn’t say anything about the rules. (Mind you, these rules are no different really to what we tried to enforce before.)
I am STILL afraid of upsetting him.
1. Why do I tread on eggshells around this child for fear of him getting upset?
2. So, why do I treat him differently? (His father died when he as 8 and I put his behaviour down to this earlier on, but then it escalated to the present day.)
3. Why has he managed to dictate the run of the house?
4. Why am I afraid to upset him? I am afraid it is too late for the rules and consequences because he has been away from home, and he has just done whatever he likes in the past. If I told him ‘no’ he would tell me to get f#$% … then go anyway?????
I am feeling some dread at his return... because I am not looking forward to his reaction when we tell him its our way or the highway, (because I don’t want him to leave again).
AGGGGHHH help....
B.
``````````````````````````````````
Hi B.,
I only have one phrase for you: You Just Got Punked! (i.e., fell for a manipulated again).
Here you go again -- round 25.
Expect a honeymoon phase where things go well for a few days or weeks, then you'll be right back to where you started (i.e., major parent-child conflict).
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
Good news (I hope). Just when I resigned myself to not having C___ back home with us in the near foreseeable future, he text messaged my phone requesting birth certificate and bank details because he has found a part time job. (Part time is good because it means he still intends to go to school). His own money is a worry because of his need to drink and smoke it. (And other drugs).
He came around home and visited briefly with his brothers, collected the above requested documents and left. I felt guarded and defensive, (and then guilty because being his mother I should've been more open and "loving"). He didn't know where he was going to be living, but he was clean and looked well, and was polite to myself and his brothers. He wanted to hold the baby and talk with my 9 yr old.
After he left I felt so bad I texted his phone and told him that I love him, even if I have trouble saying it at times. (And after a bit of self-discovery I realised I only have trouble saying it to him, not my other two sons??) He returned the message telling me that even though he hated me at times, and apologised for it, I was still his Mum an he loved me too. Thank God for modern technology because otherwise these sentiments would unsaid. Shame.
Anyway, as I was thinking of him today he texted me again and said he was thinking of coming home, if that was okay. I replied of course it was fine, but decided to leave the logistics until he returns. (The "rules", and if he doesn’t like them that he will have to go). Should I have told him then and there? This is the first time he has asked to come home of his own accord. We have physically dragged him home before.
He later messaged again asking for my help with work/tax related information so I called and he informed me that he would be returning in a few days. I still didn’t say anything about the rules. (Mind you, these rules are no different really to what we tried to enforce before.)
I am STILL afraid of upsetting him.
1. Why do I tread on eggshells around this child for fear of him getting upset?
2. So, why do I treat him differently? (His father died when he as 8 and I put his behaviour down to this earlier on, but then it escalated to the present day.)
3. Why has he managed to dictate the run of the house?
4. Why am I afraid to upset him? I am afraid it is too late for the rules and consequences because he has been away from home, and he has just done whatever he likes in the past. If I told him ‘no’ he would tell me to get f#$% … then go anyway?????
I am feeling some dread at his return... because I am not looking forward to his reaction when we tell him its our way or the highway, (because I don’t want him to leave again).
AGGGGHHH help....
B.
``````````````````````````````````
Hi B.,
I only have one phrase for you: You Just Got Punked! (i.e., fell for a manipulated again).
Here you go again -- round 25.
Expect a honeymoon phase where things go well for a few days or weeks, then you'll be right back to where you started (i.e., major parent-child conflict).
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
I am proud of myself -- I did it!
Dear Mark,
In reading your book, I realized that there are others out there that have exactly the same problems as I do, and who are making exactly the same mistakes as I was -- and that there are people like yourself that advocate what I believed in. This has helped me gain the strength I needed to tackle the onslaught. And let me tell you that this is exactly what it has been the last 3 weeks.
I put the expectations and responsibilities with the earning or loss of privileges on paper, and when I handed it to my son and wanted to discuss it with him – well, almighty hell broke loose! And this continued for a whole week – constant swearing and telling me he will not adhere to it and I will not control him.
Although battered and bruised by the emotional experience, I am proud of myself -- I did it! I put my poker face on and stuck to my guns. A week later, although he is still not earning any pocket money (as he refuses to do what I have put on the list), he did come to me and ask what he needed to do to get his computer back.
We are now at the un-grounding point (and the 'get the computer back' point) as he has managed to go a whole week without loosing his temper and swearing. He still does have the attitude that he will not do what is on the list, but I am watching him carefully -- and have been able to keep the discipline in place for the most relevant things I put on the list.
G.D.
Online Parent Support
In reading your book, I realized that there are others out there that have exactly the same problems as I do, and who are making exactly the same mistakes as I was -- and that there are people like yourself that advocate what I believed in. This has helped me gain the strength I needed to tackle the onslaught. And let me tell you that this is exactly what it has been the last 3 weeks.
I put the expectations and responsibilities with the earning or loss of privileges on paper, and when I handed it to my son and wanted to discuss it with him – well, almighty hell broke loose! And this continued for a whole week – constant swearing and telling me he will not adhere to it and I will not control him.
Although battered and bruised by the emotional experience, I am proud of myself -- I did it! I put my poker face on and stuck to my guns. A week later, although he is still not earning any pocket money (as he refuses to do what I have put on the list), he did come to me and ask what he needed to do to get his computer back.
We are now at the un-grounding point (and the 'get the computer back' point) as he has managed to go a whole week without loosing his temper and swearing. He still does have the attitude that he will not do what is on the list, but I am watching him carefully -- and have been able to keep the discipline in place for the most relevant things I put on the list.
G.D.
Online Parent Support
We've wasted hours in counseling...
Thanks Mark. After reading some of your ebook, it makes me realize areas we have to work on. Not ONE counselor we've ever seen has ever made more sense -- we've wasted hours in counseling. We are going to take some positive steps forward now.
E. & P.
Online Parent Support
E. & P.
Online Parent Support
How Do I Implement the 3-Day Grounding?
Hi Mark,
I am new to your ebook. I am really hoping that I can follow what you have to say. I will give you a little background.
I have a very difficult 15 year old son. He has always been difficult. He is ADHD, ODD and has anxiety issues. He has been on medication since age 8 and just recently went off of it and refuses to go back on it. Because his behavior has not been much worse since going off medication I haven't made that an issue. My son's father left us 6 years ago and moved to another state. He sees my 2 sons (my other is 12 and well behaved) once or twice a year and might call a couple times a month. My older son, J___, hates his father. He doesn't answer his phone calls and hates to go see him. This has made him a more angry kid.
I got remarried a year ago and things have gotten worse. My husband has a hard time hearing J___ treat me the way he does. He is very disrespectful and explodes when things don't go his way. My husband has tried to stay out of it but a few times has intervened which made things worse.
We are in counseling - and have been forever. My marriage is really on the rocks now. I feel like I have to choose between my husband and my son. I am afraid of my son at times and of his anger. I don't want him to end up doing something he is going to regret. I am actually looking at specialty boarding schools now but financially it will ruin us. Your program is kind of my last hope.
Your email to me about faith was very applicable. I am a Christian. But my faith is so small right now. I feel like I have been praying for my son for 15 years with no changes. And now with the problems in my marriage due to my son, my faith is at an all time low. I do tend to beat myself up and tell myself negative things. My counselor is trying to help me stop that. I will try to read your email often and follow it.
I do have a question. You state in the ebook that you ground your child and take away things for 3 days. I'm not quite sure what that means. Do I take away computer, cell phone and ipod (his 3 favorite) but let him do whatever else, like go outside? Or do I make him stay in his room for 3 days and take away the phone and ipod while he is in there (the computerr is in another room).
Also, I keep trying to watch the videos, but nothing happens when I click on them. What program do I need to view them?
Thanks for your help.
L.
`````````````````````
Hi L.,
First: click here to fix the video problem: Video Problem
Second: BE SURE to listen to ALL the audio files in the Online Version of the eBook. I go into detail about how to implement the 3-day grounding below:
==> Anger Management
==> How Do You Eat An Elephant?
==> Take Everything Away?
Good Luck ...stay in touch,
Mark
I am new to your ebook. I am really hoping that I can follow what you have to say. I will give you a little background.
I have a very difficult 15 year old son. He has always been difficult. He is ADHD, ODD and has anxiety issues. He has been on medication since age 8 and just recently went off of it and refuses to go back on it. Because his behavior has not been much worse since going off medication I haven't made that an issue. My son's father left us 6 years ago and moved to another state. He sees my 2 sons (my other is 12 and well behaved) once or twice a year and might call a couple times a month. My older son, J___, hates his father. He doesn't answer his phone calls and hates to go see him. This has made him a more angry kid.
I got remarried a year ago and things have gotten worse. My husband has a hard time hearing J___ treat me the way he does. He is very disrespectful and explodes when things don't go his way. My husband has tried to stay out of it but a few times has intervened which made things worse.
We are in counseling - and have been forever. My marriage is really on the rocks now. I feel like I have to choose between my husband and my son. I am afraid of my son at times and of his anger. I don't want him to end up doing something he is going to regret. I am actually looking at specialty boarding schools now but financially it will ruin us. Your program is kind of my last hope.
Your email to me about faith was very applicable. I am a Christian. But my faith is so small right now. I feel like I have been praying for my son for 15 years with no changes. And now with the problems in my marriage due to my son, my faith is at an all time low. I do tend to beat myself up and tell myself negative things. My counselor is trying to help me stop that. I will try to read your email often and follow it.
I do have a question. You state in the ebook that you ground your child and take away things for 3 days. I'm not quite sure what that means. Do I take away computer, cell phone and ipod (his 3 favorite) but let him do whatever else, like go outside? Or do I make him stay in his room for 3 days and take away the phone and ipod while he is in there (the computerr is in another room).
Also, I keep trying to watch the videos, but nothing happens when I click on them. What program do I need to view them?
Thanks for your help.
L.
`````````````````````
Hi L.,
First: click here to fix the video problem: Video Problem
Second: BE SURE to listen to ALL the audio files in the Online Version of the eBook. I go into detail about how to implement the 3-day grounding below:
==> Anger Management
==> How Do You Eat An Elephant?
==> Take Everything Away?
Good Luck ...stay in touch,
Mark
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