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Dear Brother,

Greetings in Jesus Name From India.

I am Manoj from Kerala (South India) working as an Evangelist for 12 years in Northern Part of India properly called Greater Noida. I am working among the children in a school. I am married recently and doing the ministry.

I am greatly in need of some help …then I have seen your site. I could know that you help the family too. Can I have more details about it?

Looking forward hopefully to hear from you.

Manoj

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Hi Manoj,

When parents have finally had enough disrespect and behavior problems with their child, they come to my office to file an incorrigibility charge (i.e., a legal complaint due to the child being unruly and delinquent in the home).

At this point, I ask the parent, "Would you be willing to try something else first before we consider filing the charge." And most parents agree they would rather not involve their child in the "juvenile justice system" unless they absolutely have to.

So I get the parent involved in my parent-program called Parent-Teen Support Group. In this group, which meets 90 minutes each session for 4 sessions, we look at a set of highly effective unconventional parenting strategies to use with their strong-willed, out-of-control unconventional child.

I follow up with these parents weeks and months after they complete programming, and 85% to 95% of parents:

(a) are able to avoid involving their child in the court system

(b) report that problems in the home and school have reduced in frequency and severity

(c) report that the few remaining problems are manageable

Now the Parent-Teen Support Group is available to the public. And they don't even have to leave their homes to participate.

The online version of this group is called Online Parent Support. You can access all 4 sessions at anytime ...you can go at your own pace ...and there is no time limit. (We recommend you only do one session per week.)

Online Parent Support (OPS) is a program designed specifically for parents of strong-willed or out-of-control adolescent children. OPS provides the practical and emotional support parents need to change destructive adolescent behavior.

The straightforward, step-by-step action plans presented in the curriculum allow parents to take immediate steps toward preventing or intervening in their children’s negative choices. Parents involved with OPS have the opportunity to experience success at home within the first week.

The curriculum teaches concrete prevention, identification, and intervention strategies for the most destructive of adolescent behaviors. Parents cycle through programming quickly, thus reducing the length of time that (a) effective solutions in parenting are implemented and (b) resultant positive change in adolescent behavior is experienced.

Join OPS

Undiagnosed ADHD & CD?

HI Mark,

I'm sure you must be sick of me by now but believe me when I say, you are the only person I have found in nearly 7 years who knows how to handle CD and ODD. Your advice is practical and sound, and it WORKS. I can’t thank you enough for your advice and guidance …it has changed the whole dynamic of our home.

Yes, I know what your answer would be and I am proud to say we stuck to our guns, and C___ chose to go. Well, the door is open if he changes his mind. Yes, he chose to leave rather than face the rather lenient (compared to previous restrictions), 3 day discipline. And it is a lot easier to let him go now. I know this sounds cold, but my younger boys need a peaceful, stable home and I know that C___ is resourceful. He will never starve or go dirty. He has been raised with the finer things, believe me, if he wasn’t able to wash/condition his lovely hair he would be home quick smart.

I have been reading the other posts and I thought you may be interested that my younger son, 9 yrs, has been diagnosed with ADHD but we went through a rather long process of ruling out autism and aspergers syndrome. With a few years of intensive therapy, both occupational and speech, he has finally begun to catch up with his reading etc. His behaviour is no problem, (although around 3-4 yrs he was very difficult). His ADHD is inattentive type ...Might I say we have fought several pediatricians and refused medication, and with a lot of effort and therapy he has caught up with his age in reading.

Would I be right in assuming that C___ may have undiagnosed ADHD, as well as CD? I have thought this a lot over the past year at least …he just never had the learning difficulties that alerted everyone to my younger son's condition. His education is now severely behind due to the CD. His behaviour however has been of major concern since 8-9 yr old. I just put this down to his dad dying at the time. Thinking back, he was always a challenge, from toddler on. Is it genetic, biological? (I was a VERY difficult child/teenager, despite my current occupation and beliefs).

I apologise for sounding like a nut, but as with most parents who have luckily found this site, I have been struggling for years with questions etc.

CLICK HERE for a free report on ADHD, ODD & CD.

I hate labels...

Mark-

My son L___ who is twelve is challenging at home but I have learnt many coping strategies over the years. L___ has been put on the gifted register by his geography teacher but there are not many of his teachers that can cope with his 'behaviour and attitude'. I have read your reports on disorders and I have considered L___ could have ODD long before now. I had never considered ADHD, but after reading up on it tonight, he displays many of these traits. What do I do with a gifted child whom I am already struggling to get teachers to understand his needs, if it is possible that this is being compromised by possibly ODD and ADHD. I also worry because I feel it is to easy these days to label a child with some kind of deficit disorder. I hate labels as they tend to stick.

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Hi L.,

Several quick points here:

1st - ODD rarely travels alone. ODD usually occurs alongside another disorder (usually ADHD).

2nd - Parent Education Training (PET) is the standard, recommended treatment for ODD/ADHD. You will get this education in my eBook.

3rd - You will not be able to do it alone (i.e., get your son's behavior back on a good track). Some parents think they can do it themselves. The result however is years of trial and error with no improvement. Please seek my assistance or the assistance of someone in your local area.

Mark

'My Out-of-Control Teen' eBook

Right or Privilege?

Mark,

One quick question: With the 3-day-discipline, what if the things they love (i.e., tv, playstation, etc.) are things they have purchased for themselves. Do we still take them away?

>>>>>>>>>> No. If it is their stuff, then it is also their "right" (not privilege) to use the stuff.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Have you ever heard of a case like mine...

hi mark,

i was wondering if you have ever heard of a case like mine. I divorced my bi-polar husband 9 years ago. our youngest son was 8 at the time with 12 and 13 year old sisters. i didn't have problems for several years with my ex interfering. he basically didn't want the kids when they were younger. he couldn't handle the responsibility and often forgot to pick them up on his weekends. when my middle wild child was 15, she was caught drinking at the county fair, i grounded her from the next night of the fair, and told her she would be on a very short leash until further notice. she ran away and was missing for a week. she made it appear that she jumped out of a window high enough to break her ankles or whatever. this was a ploy, i found out later.

anyway, needless to say i was frantic, and spent days calling around until i found out where she was. i asked her father to go with me to get her, he said to just let her go and she’d call me. he called to say she was with him and was too afraid to come home (i have never hit my children by the way). he used this situation to let her live with him. she loved it because there are no rules at his house, he lets her openly sleep with her boyfriend at his house.

I would make "sweeps" of the house and find a bag of pot or multiple bottles of cough syrup in her drawers etc. i tried to talk to her dad about it and he said she needed that cough syrup for her allergies or other ridiculous comments or he would say i was "making things up."

Her grades declined, the whole 9 yards. My ex cooperated loosely with the terms of our divorce initially because he thought we would reunite. he acted like he had made many of the changes i requested, but i found out he didn't and that he didn't want ME back, but his assets (didn't think me or the kids were assets). He started going out with a woman right after i told him there was no chance for us to get back together.

She had a daughter the same age as my middle girl, and a 13 year old boy who was immature enough to hang with my 9 or 10 year old son. this woman told my kids they could choose who to live with once they were 13. my oldest didn't want to live there because of the chaos but mostly because she and her younger sister hate each other. He stopped returning my youngest around this time. i tried everything to get him to cooperate. his doorbell didn't work, he didn't have an answering machine and this make communication with him and my children difficult.

i started going over to check on them every day and make sure they were okay. my ex was rarely there and didn't care if i did this at first. i kept requesting that he return them and he said it was "their choice and they preferred to be with me." i didn't want to get the courts involved so i visited my lawyer and just asked that he send my ex a nasty letter telling him to follow the visitation schedule or we would take him to court. He didn't, so i waited another 6 months and he filed a petition to change custody. he lost, appealed, lost, appealed to the appellate court in springfield and lost again. i requested that he pay some or all of the legal expenses, but the judge said i appeared to be capable of paying them even though he was (these are my words) using the courts to harass me.

I still owe money and have spent $10,000 on attorneys fees to find out that they couldn't MAKE him follow the visitation schedule, only put my children in a foster placement if they wouldn't come home. they would come home if he told them they had to. in the meantime, the court never made him abide by the visitation schedule and all this dragged on until my daughter turned 18 and then the court said she could stay with her dad (even though i pay for all her medical, dental, and eye) which means she is not an emancipated minor.

the judge actually said he couldn't really make an 18 year old live where she didn't want to live. do you believe that, i followed all the court orders and my kids and ex don't have to! anyway, that daughter and I get along well now and she has admitted that the lack of rules coupled with her dad buying her whatever she wanted was all she was thinking about when she was younger, and she regretted how she treated me.

i requested sanctions (punishment) against my ex. i didn't want my children's father jailed, so asked that he be fined for each day he violates visitation or that they let my son live with me until he is 18 as this would amount to about how much time was taken from me. instead the court said we all had to see a counselor separately and i would have to pay for half of that. i didn't think my ex would do it, but he did. the counselor's conclusion was that my son was a "pig" who had a narcissistic personality and would do or say anything to get his way. this might be because he has been living with his dad who fits this description perfectly.

do you have any suggestions for me? i feel like if i let him go, he will become more and more like his dad who doesn't respect anyone or anything, doesn't appreciate all he has since he's been given too much, doesn't know how to love and is the most unhappy man i have ever met! i'm quite worried about how he will feel about and treat women in his life. finally, are all family courts designed like the one here, to make money for the attorneys?

K.

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Hi K.,

I’m sorry you got the short end of the stick in the courts. What you described seems terribly unjust.

A child’s preference to live with the noncustodial parent can be a basis for modifying custody, but the child’s reasons must be well based and NOT appear to be the result of coaching or bribery. In one case, a father who was trying to gain custody of his 13-year-old had given his son a horse, two TVs, a minibike, a shotgun, and a private phone line the week before going to court. The father did not gain custody.

In addition to showing a change in circumstances, the parent seeking a change of custody must show that he or she can provide a better environment for the child than the child’s current environment.

A parent seeking to change custody through the court usually must show that the conditions have changed substantially since the last custody order. The change of circumstance usually involves something negative in the child’s current environment—such as improper supervision or harmful conflicts with the custodial parent or stepparent.

In order to discourage parents from constantly litigating custody, some states apply a special standard for custody modifications sought within the first year or two after a prior custody order. In those states, the parent must show not only a change of circumstances, but also that the child is endangered by the child’s current environment. After expiration of the one- or two-year period, the courts apply normal standards for modification (without having to show endangerment).

The most common standard for modification of child support is a substantial change in circumstances, which usually refers to a change in income of the parent who is paying support. If the parent suffers a loss of income, that could be a basis for reducing support; conversely, if the parent’s income increases, that could be a basis for increasing support.

Changes in the child’s circumstances can be a reason for modifying support. If the child has significant new expenses such as orthodonture, special classes, or health needs that are not covered by insurance, that too can be a reason for increasing support.

Significant changes in the income of the parent seeking support also can be a basis for modification. If the custodial parent’s income drops (particularly through no fault of the custodial parent), that might be a basis for increasing support. If the custodial parent’s income increases, that might be basis for reducing support from the noncustodial parent.

When a parent experiences a financial setback, one of the last things the parent may want to do is incur more expenses by hiring an attorney to try to reduce support. But if the parent has a good reason to reduce support, the money is well spent. If the local court is user-friendly, the parent seeking to change support might try to represent himself or herself.

If parents voluntarily wish to change custody, they may do so without having to prove special factors such as endangerment or a change in circumstances. Parents may change custody without obtaining a court order, but if the parent receiving custody wants to make the modification “official”—thus making it more difficult for the other parent to regain custody—it is best to obtain a court order modifying custody.

In addition, an informal change of custody will not necessarily stop a parent’s support obligation—only a court order can provide certainty of that.

In any event, it sounds like the court did not really do its job.

You asked if I had any suggestions: I would strongly encourage you to move on with your life. Time is ticking away …your kids are getting older. As they become more mature by virtue of time, you and they will have a greatly improved relationship. The best is yet to come. Put all the legal wrangling to rest. You take care of you. Be good to yourself. Start today!

Mark

"Professionals" are still talking about 'time-outs'...

I downloaded your ebook a while ago, and it is great. I have spoken to you for help along the way. My children's names are E____ (who has ASD), M____ (she's 11), and J____ (he's 13 with some ASD difficulties).

I am a Qualified Primary schoolteacher and have been specialising in helping parents and students in the area of 'challenging behaviour'. Recently I changed my job and am now working with a lot of schools around creating safer emotional and physical environments. This means working with teachers, students, parents and the communities. I was wondering if you have anything in New Zealand as far as training is concerned, as a lot of the difficulties that the parents are coming across would be massively helped with your teachings.

They are surrounded by professionals who are still talking about time-out consequences and behaviour reinforcements. Many of these parents have had years of this, and as you say have 'dipped in and out' often depending on how much they could cope with at the time. Many of them are at the stage of having pre teens with all the new emotional stresses and behaviours. Many of these parents could not afford to buy your ebook because of the exchange rate -- and they get me for free if it is through the school. Although I have done some private trainings around explosive behaviours, anxiety, stress and visual learning.

I am a qualified N.L.P. trainer and practitioner and was wondering if there was any way we could get this information over to NZ. Anyway, if you could think of any thing that might help please let me know. I would be happy to do some training if that was possible. Many thanks for your time.

L. A.

My Out-of-Control Teen eBook

My son has been coming home at 3 in the morning...

My son has been coming home at 3 in the morning but his curfew time is 10 pm. I have been asking him to come home on time but he's starting to come later and later. This is stressing me out and I can go to sleep until he comes home. What can I do? Please help.

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If your child is not home by curfew, you should treat the situation as though he is a 'runaway'. You may need to go to your local Juvenile Probation department and file an incorrigibility complaint. Please refer to the Q & A page for recommendations regarding "running away."

James Craig, Online Parent Support Staff

==> To get full access to www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com along with ongoing Parent Coaching from Mark Hutten, M.A., join Online Parent Support.