re: "She'd been telling me to shut-up..."

PARENT: "Hi Mark-me again from Australia. I have a question about consequences. Anna has been particularly difficult of late and has received two consequences for disrespect and rudeness. I took her favourite toy away for 3 days and then her portable DVD player for 3 days. The rudeness has continued and after giving her another warning yesterday (she'd been telling me to shut-up when I was talking to her). I told her if she continued, she couldn't go and stay at her Nanna's for the weekend as had been planned. She became very upset (sobbing and yelling) and asked me to change the consequence but I said no. The problem I have is that I feel like her Nanna will miss out on seeing her and perhaps I should have thought of something else. My husband wasn't home and he is cross 'cause it's his mother! Can she earn back the right to go or do I have to carry this through? Thanks L."

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Great question. 

Answer: You must carry this through. Let me say this again, you must carry this through. When parents issue a discipline, and then later retract it, the child’s misbehavior is reinforced, thus he/she will continue to push the parent the same way again in the future. You found a wonderful consequence by the way …your daughter really values seeing her Nanna. 

Now does Nanna suffer as a result of this consequence? Well, "suffer" is a big word. All family members have a responsibility to a solution to the problems. Better that all family members, including Nanna and your husband, experience some short-term, minor pain now rather than long-term, major pain later. 

Mark 

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PARENT: "Thanks Mark, I've spoken to A___'s Nanna and she is fine with no visit and carrying through the consequence. Thank you for telling me I'd done the right thing-it gets very hard as a parent and your support and non-judgmental attitude are much appreciated by me. L."

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Son Refusing To Attend School

"We are at a loss as to what to do with our son. He refused to go to school in 8th grade. Too much to that story to even begin to tell. Now at the end of 10th grade he is doing the same thing. He is passing right now. He wants expensive things …says things like if you lease an expensive car I'll go to school. Embarrassed by us, we don't have enough money, big screen tv and such. We froze his cell phone and took away the computer hoping to motivate him. He said he was going to go to school tomorrow, but now that we did that … forget it. He says he hates us and is going to get a full time job and never go back to school. We explained there is not a big job market for newly 16 year old high school drop outs. Please help ASAP the last days of school are ticking away, with the first final tomorrow. The rest of the finals to start June 12. Thank You, S.N."

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Hi S.,

Sometimes teens who were previously able to attend school regularly will suddenly become anxious and fearful. A recent crisis in the community or the family (such as a death, divorce, financial problems, move, etc.) may cause a teen to become fearful or anxious. Some teens fear that something terrible will happen at home while they are at school. 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

 

Teens who are struggling in school with academic or social problems may also refuse to attend school. Many teens have social concerns and may have been teased or bullied at school or on the way to school. Some neighborhoods or schools are unsafe or chaotic.

Still other teens prefer to stay home because they can watch TV, have parental attention, and play rather than work in school. Teens who are transitioning (e.g., from middle school to high school) may feel very stressed. All of these factors may lead to the development of school refusal/avoidance.

If complaints of illness are the excuse for not attending school, have your son checked by your doctor. If there is no medical reason to be absent, your son should be at school.

Attempt to discover if there is a specific problem causing the refusal. Sometimes the teen feels relief just by expressing concerns about friends or school expectations. If your son is able to pinpoint a specific concern (such as worry about tests, teasing, etc.), then immediately talk to his teacher about developing an appropriate plan to solve the problem.

Some common sense strategies to try include having another family member bring him to school, or if he does stay home - then rewards such as snacking, TV, toys or parental attention should be eliminated. A school schedule may be duplicated at home.

However, if he is extremely upset, if he needs to be forced to attend school, if there is significant family stress, or if the refusal to attend school is becoming habitual, don’t hesitate in asking for assistance from the school psychologist, school counselor or other mental health professionals.

Treatment depends upon the causes, which can be difficult to determine. Many children may have started to avoid school for one reason (e.g., fear of being disciplined by a teacher, feeling socially inadequate) but are now staying home for another reason (e.g., access to video games, lack of academic pressure, etc.). 

 

Several treatment plans may need to be tried. Helping your son to relax, develop better coping skills, improve social skills, using a contract and getting help with parenting or family issues are all examples of possible treatments.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

My daughter stole my car! What to do?

Recently I became the recipient of a $720 phone bill, courtesy of my 15 year old daughter, A___. After confronting A___ about her phone usage I asked her to give me her phone. She refused and a short while later left the house, presumably to gather her wits. A short while later my wife noticed my car was missing. My daughter had taken my car! My daughter does not have a driver's permit or insurance. A short time later my daughter called us from her friend's house, about 5 miles away. She was safe, and so was the car. In the meantime we had called the police. We knew she had to face consequences for her actions. The police officer explained that we had several choices on how to proceed with a juvenile (after bringing her home):

1. Do nothing (leaving the consequences up to us as parents)

2. Write her tickets for Driving Without a License, Driving without Insurance, Car Theft, and Breech of Trust. I would have to pay those tickets.

3. Write her tickets and set a court date in the Family Court. I would pay for the tickets and court costs.

4. Declare her an Incorrigible Child and give up our rights as parents.

5. Have the officers talk to A___ and then leave the consequences up to us as parents.

Click here for my response...

Son Returns From "Juvie"

Mark,

First of all, thank you for the phone conversation last week, regarding our son J___ coming home this Friday from "Juvie".

One question I meant to ask you was, do we implement one session per week or all at once? My thought is there needs to be strong expectations (which we did do with him last week in person) right from the start. How would be the best way to do this? We have let him know how consequences will work.

I am somewhat nervous or anxious about him coming home since it has been 4 months. Part of my anxiousness is that if he messes up and doesn't follow his conditions, there is no going to court and waiting - he would have a warrant and would go back immediately and then they would decide if he gets a second chance or serve out the rest of his time or more depending on what the breach of his condition is. (I know I need to separate myself somewhat emotionally and it’s hard.)

We have told him our home cannot be the way it was before and he doesn't want the "war zone" either. As I said to you last week, he's telling us he does want to make changes. We also have told him that we are making changes as well. However, he still wants to hang with some of the peers he had before - however not all of them. Still these ones are into pot smoking - how much control do I put on him.

[On another note:]

I'm not entirely sure how to handle this situation. I was talking to my son tonight by phone (he's only allowed a 10 minute phone call) and he's looking forward to coming home. In our conversation, he told me he has about $45 in his account (at the young offenders centre). We once in awhile would put money in his account for toiletries, snacks, haircut. When my husband and I visited him the weekend prior to this past weekend, we asked him if he had any money left in his account and he said no, he spent it on some toiletries and snacks. (Now I feel like an idiot… I guess we should have checked if he had any money left before we put more money in.)

At that time we offered to put in $15 to last the next 2 weeks. Now, he tells me he has $45 that's HIS when he gets out on Friday. I said to him "you told me you had nothing left and now you have $45". First he said - "if I would have told you, you wouldn't have left anymore money. I've been saving $5 a week from what you gave me". At first I thought - good job you were able to save $5 a week. And then I thought, I've been deceived and duped.

I said to him, "you never said anything about saving $5 a week". He insisted not so nicely that he did tell us. My husband and I both agree we don't ever recall him saying this to us, and if he had, we WOULDN"T have left anymore. I said to Jordan, "I feel you only told me half the truth and I'm disappointed you weren't honest." Of course, he started to get upset, but this time I never engaged, and repeated I'm disappointed you weren't honest with me. I said to him, "I don't know how to handle this right now, but I'll let you know what I'm going to do about it - I have to think about it." His reply to me was, "if you take my money, I'm taking something from you!" I replied to him "I'm not arguing about this, I'll let you know what I'm going to do". He then had to get off the phone, and told me "thanks, now I have to go to bed mad and you've made me mad for the whole night and I can't talk to you until I can call you tomorrow." (he did say "I love you").

To be honest, I'm not sure what to do about it. At least now I know not to let him suck me into an argument, although it almost worked, and I kept my calm! My first thought is, this was our money we put in, no you shouldn't have it, especially by being dishonest about it! My thinking is, this would be the best consequence?

So, my question to you is, when I do talk to him tomorrow night, how would be the best way to respond so that he starts to learn we can't be manipulated or lied to. I feel we've been manipulated.


E.

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Hi E.,

Keep it simple for now. Just implement Session #1 assignments this week …Session #2 next week …and so on.

Re: lying.

He clearly cannot keep the money because he did nothing to EARN it. Having said this, I would strongly suggest that you simply start with a clean slate. I think it will be a big mistake to start his arrival home with a consequence. You’ve told him all you needed to over the phone.

So does he get off the hook for lying? Yes, for now. But you have the tools to deal with this should it happen again.

Put this issue to bed. Start fresh when he gets home. You’ll have bigger fish to fry – I’m sure.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

How to Enforce Grounding as a Working Parent

"I've been following your program for a couple months, seeing steady improvement. But here are my problems we can't seem to get by ...my husband and I both work full time and there is about 3-4 hrs of time our 15 yo son is by himself, so if a grounding punishment is needed, how do we enforce it? Also do we punish for bad behavior at school when he is monitored already through the truancy system?"

Click here for the answer...

Should I believe him...

My son lives with me in Illinois …he is 16 yrs old. His dad lives in Indiana. T__ sees his dad about 4 times per year, but talks regularly on the phone with him. T__ recently saw his dad and has become depressed about not seeing him often and admitted to drinking alcohol and smoking pot to relieve his anxiety about school tests and missing his dad. I made an appt. for a counselor, but in the meantime his dad called the parents of T__'s friends and told them that T__ and probably their children were also abusing drugs and alcohol. Now those parents want to know if T__ is a drug dealer and don't want T__ around their kids. My question is, was this a reasonable course of action to take? And if T__ says he will not drink or smoke until he is 21 yrs. old, should I believe him and monitor his behavior closely?

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Hi G.,

Re: ...was this a reasonable course of action to take?

Since T__ admitted to marijuana and alcohol abuse, I would say yes.

Re: ...should I believe him and monitor his behavior closely?

This may sound harsh, but you should NOT believe him. I’m sure he’s pulled the wool over your eyes more than you’ll ever know (or would care to know). And yes, you should monitor his behavior very closely.

Please refer to “Emails From Exasperated Parents” [Session #4]. I address drug and alcohol abuse in more detail there.

Stay in touch,

Mark

Online Parent Support

Do these same principles apply to a 4 year old...

hi mark,

i came across your info online and purchased the ebook.

my question is this...do these same principles apply to a 4 year old (i am assuming yes, and they would ward off any potential poor parenting and child behavior as we grow/learn together)... And if so, then, here's my next question.

after finishing session one and reviewing the assignments, i am confused as to what to do w/ the poker face and fair fighting strategies. What i understood was that i am to implement the poker face immediately and not respond (feed) his intensity seeking and look for times when he is behaving great and turn on the intensity then w/ praise. Also, the fair fighting...."when xyz....i have a problem w/...etc. - crime /pos reframe, problem solve together" - is that also to go into effect now?

i did begin both this week (as soon as i read them) and now tonight i see only the "nurturing" assignments offered. Am i to do all the ones i stated above? Am i on the right track?

thanks kindly and God bless

d.

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Hi D.,

Re: ...do these principles apply to a 4 year old.

Yes. It is sort of a myth that parents are suppose to parent one way when a child is 4 ...then a different way when he is 10 ...then yet another way when he is 16 ...and so on.

Re: ...am I on the right track.

Yes. Begin using the "Fair Fighting" strategy as needed. Also, you may want to draft a parent-child contract (this is discussed in Session #1 assignments as well).

You're on a roll. Keep up the momentum.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child